Question for Married and out CDs

[sarah_hillcrest]

So you are married and your spouse knows, perhaps tolerates, perhaps more, but isn't comfortable dressing with you, going out and so forth. Is it possible to meet other dressers?

I was reading about the Southern Comfort Conference and thinking about how awesome that would be, but even if the dates worked out for me there's just no way I could do it. I would really enjoying meeting up with a another CD, or small group to just hang out, go shopping, whatever, but I don't think that it would work out. I'm not that good at lying and I don't really want to, but I'm certain my wife would freak out, she'd think it was a sexual driven fantasy and she couldn't stand me going out with someone else. In regards to the conference, there's no way she would be OK with me going to the beach somewhere without her, and she'd flip at the chance to go with me, except for the small fact that she doesn't want to see me dressed.

Ring a bell for anyone?

[Beverley Sims]

You have to convince your wife that it is a social gathering shared between wives, girlfriends and their other partners.

Then you should find life easier.

Show your wife some of the publicity or let her grow up with you as you are for a while.

She may then become accustomed to the situation and may become curious even.

[Cheryl T]

Try to find a support group in your area. Something like Tri-Ess or another that would accept couples.
Then discuss it with your spouse and see if she would be agreeable to going. The fact that other wives or significant others would be there and that she won't be the only female might encourage her to try it. That's what I did and once she saw that there were others like me and other women in the same situation it eased the stress. Now she's fully accepting and we go everywhere together.

[Teresa]

Sarah,
It is one fear you have to deal with my wife had the same thought , there was only one reason why I wanted to go out dressed and that to be with other guys . Not true ! It did help that my sociall group met up in a hotel , being in a public place will help her get over her fears . Most groups do offer cahnaging facilities , so if you wanted to give a try if you find one then you are going out to meet some friends in drab .

The first time is the hardest but once over that you'll just relax into it and wonder what all the fuss was about . I have no regrets , it does give some meaning to buying the outfits and somewhere to wear them . My wife didn't want to see me dressed but she was OK about me going out .

[Stephanie47]

I'm in the DADT crowd. Decades ago my wife let it be known that she does not appreciate my cross dressing. I think she has come to realize cross dressing is part of me. However, that does not change the fact she married a man, and, she does not any relationship with her husband dressing or emulating a woman. After the dust settled she told me if I wanted to join a support group that was alright with her. There was no discussion as to whether that included being en femme. So we never approached whether or not I would dress at home and drive to a support group. This was back in the mid 1980's. I tried to find a support group. There was no Internet back then. I did locate a telephone number for a group. I called. The reception was rude. I often thought and still do, if you put a telephone number in a newspaper for cross dressers to contact an organization, why would you not expect the caller to have a male voice????

Anyway, the luster of seeking out like minded individuals was lost. There is an annual meeting of cross dressers in May in Port Angeles, WA. I often think of going. However, the motivation is not there anymore. Maybe the aging process has gotten me to have my desires more under control.

With respect to finding someone or somewhere to go there are many social groups. Many have an on line presence. Perhaps, showing your wife reviews of what does happen she may change her mind.

[mykell]

hello sarah,
does ring a bell....have prticipated at keystone and it was pricey to attend all that is offeredand would recomend anyone to do something similar at least once.

my springboard into getting out into the wild was pflag....here they have a trans specific group that i liked attending.....after i started a meetup which i just cancelled.
i also volunteer at a LGBT club during winter, fall and spring.

here is a list of chapters in your area :
https://www.pflagillinois.org/wp-con...ageOutside.pdf

hope you find what you are looking for....

[Joyce Swindell]

Sounds like to me you have a DIYD/DIYD relationship ...Danged If You Do / Danged If You Don't relationship. So with that my 2 cents is that you need to decide what you want to do as far as meeting other CD's then discuss it with her.

I.E. " I want to go to this meeting for crossdressers, in ??town this Saturday at ??:00 pm. Here is the website I found the information on, please check it out. I would like for you to go....or...I'm good to go by myself."

In other words tell her the particulars of what you want to do and include her in the decision you have made. Be prepared for her answers in either direction. Work out the details/logistics of the outing ….I'll dress there, I'm renting a room where the meeting is...etc.


The conference is a big to do and I don't think I would want to go to it alone myself. But I've never been to one but it is on my bucket list.


Good luck

[Alice B]

Yes itis possible and not just toonce a year, away events. Find a local TG or accepting ay bar that you can go to. I have been able to dress and go out as much as I want without problems. Discuss it first

[Meghan4now]

Well, Y'all beat me to the punch!

The support group thing is the best. Now, when I want to go out, I can just say "a crossport thing", and she knows. Since it's an organization thing, it gives her more reassurance. But I very often give her the reminder that she is always invited, but without expectation. Now if something comes up, especially with the kids, Meghan gets lowest billing and has canceled plans a number of times.

I don't know, and doubt, that she'll get to the point of going with me, but at least I've gotten to where I can pass her going in or out and not "hide"

[Jodi]

If you are looking for a good starter conference. Look into attending Lake Erie Gala in Erie, Pa. It is held the week prior to Thanksgiving. Significantly less expensive than SC, and smaller and more intimate. Also spouses are welcome

Jodi

[char GG]

Sarah H.
Just my opinion but I think the key for an SO to go out with their CDed BFF is to make sure it’s fun for her. Find an event where she can get dressed up too, eat out at some place fun, or see a show/concert. There is no incentive for her to go shopping with her CDed husband or stand around and take pictures of him. Once she gets used to being out, the mystique of being “with a CDer” may disappear.

There is absolutely no appeal for her to do the same things she can do with any girlfriend. Maybe later but not initially. The clothes and activities that seem to appeal so much to a CDer are mundane to GG’s. She most likely will not want to meet another bunch of CDers right away (too many variables in that). Spice it up and be creative.

Good luck.

[Teresa]

Char ,
I agree , there are about 25% of our social group members who are accompanied by wife/ partners , they do enjoy it and get to play a little dress up themselves . I had definite NO from my wife so i knew where I stood . It shouldn't be an obstacle to Sarah , all she needs to do is get one meeting safely under her belt , then her wife can decide if she wants to join in or not but at least she will know Sarah is safe and not chasing other guys .

[Asew]

Rings a bell definitely for me. My wife is understanding at home but not on me going out. And slowly my urge to go out is growing. But for now I wait since I want to be grateful for all the support she does give, and not focus on what she limits.

[Sophie Yang]

Sarah

When I started out I was working in San Francisco and just looked up LGBT friendly venues and went out regularly on Friday and/or Saturday nights. Depending on the venue, some places were slow until 9:00 or 10:00 PM before they got crowded. This gave me time to talk to the T-staff and out of town visitors. The venues ranged from restaurants to the full bar pick up scene.

I went to my one make over one evening during the summer. The owner decided to do a day evening make over. When we were done, she suggested I go downtown and meetup with a group of gals. During the three summer months, she hosts evening party which is an easy way to meet interesting CDers.

Another potential venue are college events. I have gone to some events that are open to the public, met many trans-individuals, but not any other CD'ers . These are always fun, especially if audience groups form to discuss different topics. I have also been on a college campus for two lectures. I skipped one and went to a student LGBT meeting, informal group discussion. This is a good way to see how wide and diverse the LGBT community is.

Yesterday I took my 85 year old mother to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. Afterwards, we went over to a Kaiser clinic to pick up some anti-biotics. I picked up one of their brochures and it had a section on the new gender services that they are offering. I was at another health organization a couple off years ago and they also had a gender services department. You might check to see if they have public talks.

[Kandi Robbins]

Sarah,

Every relationship is different. My wife 100% knows. She gives me total freedom. I go out about three times a week. It's a complete nonissue with us. A discussion about me going out is no different that talking about a trip to the grocery store. Now I am older than dirt and we've been married over 32 years, so we know each other pretty well.

I have zero desire to go out dressed with my wife. I am her husband, first and foremost. That has helped me be a better husband and have the freedoms that I do have.

There are no good answers as it all boils down to the relationship with between you and your wife.

We've all struggled with this, our spouses struggle with it too.

Good luck Sarah!

[sarah_hillcrest]

Thanks for all the advice and feedback, again I'm kind of out of the loop because of my location. Tri-Ess is a possibility, I've read about them somewhere, no pflag in my area.

Char GG your response is particularly valuable. One thing that makes us maybe a bit different is my wife has no close friends, she's not a witch or anything, she just isn't social. I asked her about our shopping trips together and she straight up told me she really enjoys shopping with me but wishes I could be more like a girlfriend and less like a clingy husband when we go. "Sometimes you just look and if you see something cool you show me, and sometimes you stand 6 inches behind me and look at everything I look at, and its so annoying." But you are right.

A support group sounds really nice, so I'll be on the lookout for something. Clubs and the like aren't really an option in our area, I think the closest would be around 3 hours away, plus we're not really into that scene I guess, hard to know if you've never been, we've never been to a bar or club together.

My wife is being so understanding about things that I'm sometimes afraid that she's actually plotting against me, but I think I've wore her down over time and I know from the discussions we've had that she really just wants me to be happy but has deep fears about being outed. I took a leap yesterday and put on a new dress we bought together this week and wore it around the house for several hours. It's not exactly the same without the makeup, wig, breasts, but it was nice and her only concern was that I make sure the doors were locked.

[Aunt Kelly]

Tri-Ess is the perfect venue for the situation you describe. It is a support group, aimed at cross-dressers and their significant others. I believe that there is an active chapter in the Chicago area, or maybe Rockford. If you can't find a useful contact, PM me. Our chapter president is hooked into what's going with all the other chapters, so she may be able to help. Failing that, our chapter is now accepting correspondence memberships. It's not much but better than nothing.

Another thought... Your wife should understand that most of these convention events are for socializing and support, nothing more. Just girlfriends getting together. Make sure that she understands the difference. At the get-together we arranged in Austin several months ago, we had planned on an evening of clubbing after dinner. Instead, we went back to the hotel and spent the rest of the evening just sitting and talking with each other, most of us remarking at one point that this was the best part of the event. Sure, ours was a much, much smaller group, but the motif was the same as any of the bigger events - doing girl stuff together.

Lastly, you are right. As understanding as she may be, every new step you take is, rationally or not, a cause for worry in her. Let her know that you understand and respect that, but that you are feeling a need for the kind of support and affirmation that comes from a group of like-minded friends.

[Brenda Freeman]

My first time to a Tgirl event was at Esprit, in Port Angeles a 4 hour plus drive from Portland. I did not know anyone in Portland but at Esprit ended meeting several and found a group. I still keep in touch with friends and meet every so often for dinner. It was also amazing to see so many girls in person a real eye opener in a good way. Several brought their wives who seemed to have fun too.

[Sidney]

Sarah, I love your post. I don't have any real suggestions for you. Three or four month ago I met a guy and we really hit it off. I normally don't have male friends but he was different. Weeellllll it turned out she is different and is a crossdresser. Coinsidence? We have never met dressed and may never. It doesn't matter, our friendship has grown and it's not just about crossdressing. Life can be grand.
Sidney

[Phoebe Reece]

Sarah, there is a Tri-Ess chapter based in central Illinois. I suggest you take a look at their website: http://www.cui-triess.org/ I have known the head of that group since 2001. I believe both you and your wife will be comfortable visiting and perhaps joining that chapter.

[sarah_hillcrest]

yeah, thats on my radar, thanks!

[Jessicajane]

A fair chunk of the people in my life know about Jessica ...and it has been a massive help for my sanity to merge her into my everyday life without actually announcing my feelings to the world...
I could not imagine not catching up with friends...going out and about ....socialising is great because you can talk how you feel to people who know what u r going through and in person is always better than online....
Understand that this is super hard on your wife....it really is....after years my wife still struggles but has found the way to live with it...and for that I am eternally grateful...take things as slow as you can ...if you relationship in a strong one you will grow together through this...but she needs to let you out to spread you wings Occassionally it will help the both of you xx

[DaisyLawrence]

So you are married and your spouse knows, perhaps tolerates, perhaps more, but isn't comfortable dressing with you, going out and so forth. Is it possible to meet other dressers?

This is one I just don't get. I suppose that if crossdressing was a 'hobby' for me then I may well want to meet other dressers in a similar way as I love to talk about sailing with other sailors. However, as my non-binary gender identity is just that, an identity and not a hobby, why would I want to meet other dressers anymore than meeting any other person, man or woman? That's just my two pence worth as it relates to me.

[Meghan4now]

Daisy,

I think for many people that are in various states of TG, meeting others isn't just a hobby. Getting support and belonging to a community of like minded people, or people with similar experiences or needs is actually the norm. Joining a church, or spending time with your family, or any group of friends is not really a hobby. And having a hobby when your TG could also include doing fun things with other friends TG or not.

[DaisyLawrence]

Meghan. I know what you mean, especially about support, but I guess I just don't need or want any support. People are people, I am me and I happen to be somewhat gender different. This does not affect who I want to socialise with, everyone is seen as a potential friend, man, woman, gender binary, non-binary or trans. Their gender identity has no relevance as to whether they may be worth spending time with.