Fear of urge to become a real woman

[phili]

Hi Yinlingyen,

I see you were writing answers to my post before I hit send!


It sounds like you may have already decided that you want to pursue your goal, but the advice here is still really good- waiting is going to allow you to let the initial excitement ripen into a more broad based evaluation of what you want.

I have experienced very similar things to you, and discovering my sexuality is feminine was quite a revelation. The feelings when my sexuality is being responded to accurately feels so right for me it is a very deep and compelling drive. It seems like the most important thing to me. Perhaps you are feeling this as well.

Having someone admire you and photograph you and make love to you is a drug like no other. But, this is transitory- being catered to and used for sex as a sex object, being felt up on a subway, etc, can feel great because it is the only way we get to feel femininely sexual, but they are not a way of life. Well, they can be a way of life, but it isn't much fun to be a sex kitten as you age, and you wonder what to do about men starting to look for younger women or CDs. You start to want to have someone who actually loves you in your life.

Many trans women of child bearing age who have fully transitioned do not find it easy to find men who love them and want them sexually. It doesn't happen simply from being more anatomically like a woman. Your attraction to the men you encounter may be exactly because you are a submissive male. In that sense, you may actually have more options and more guaranteed fun keeping on doing what you are doing!

If becoming an actual woman was easy and complete, and I could control all the details of how it worked out, I would have been very tempted when I was your age. But the details of what transition includes and requires, and how it works out, need to be explored, so head direct to the TS section!

I know anatomical transition does not appeal to me. When I am struggling to reconcile my male body with girlness, I don't feel at peace. But I am very content being what I am, after discovering the simple reality is that I am a male bodied girl. I feel at peace now.

[Jenny22]

Heed Phili's comments! If you were to 'go all the way' now, and life did not work out for you the way you imagined it would as a new female, your decisions , possibly made in haste for the sake of sex, cannot be undone. You've got a plateful to think about. Don't rush them!

[oh to be rachel]

Honestly, there's nothing scarier than not being about to resist our own desires.

[sometimes_miss]

In the last 6 months I have been feeling the urge to become a real woman.

That is impossible. The best you could manage, would to be a transgender woman. I'm not trying to insult post op MTF TS; it's just that you cannot go back in time and experience all of life as a female, which is what 'real' women have done, and is a big part of what 'real' women are.

This all started when I met this older gentleman and started a relationship with him.

^this suggests that something else is at the heart of your desire to be a female, or, perhaps to take the female role in a relationship. It may even just be a response to wanting to be loved/and or sexually attractive to someone else.
A general physician appointment will not help you. You need to see someone in the psychological field, a gender specialist.
Going forward, trying to do so in order to experience life as a real woman, could be disasterous if it turns out that is not what you are. Changing sex and gender in pursuit of something that you don't know what it is, might wind up leaving you without the joy of what you thought it was, and without being able to return to your present life. Changing to a MTF TS life is very different, yes, but it brings with it a whole new set of problems. While many TG/TS initially believe that they would be happy to accept those problems in order to escape the ones they currently have as a cis gender male, I'd wager that they don't get what they want out of becoming a presentable female. You don't see any CD'ers or TG people clamoring to become ugly, homely unattractive women permanently. Yet this is what awaits the vast majority of us, if we should pursue SRS.

How many of you are at this crossroad ?

More than would like to admit it, I'm sure. I've wanted to live the life I expected to, starting at about age 14 which was the deadline that I assumed would exist if god were going to fix my wrongly male body into a female one. Having lived that desire to be my 'real' self most of my childhood, apparently that feeling will never go away. That doesn't mean that it's correct. I'm not a female; I don't think like one, don't act like one, don't usually behave as one. I just want to be one. There are no indications that I am truly transgendered or transsexual.

I fear rejection. I fear pain. I fear what if it all goes wrong and I look like nothing I want to be.

^that is the most likely result. We strive to be beautiful. The percentage of MTF TS who are truly beautiful enough to be taken as an attractive GG are perhaps less than 1%. The best most achieve is passing. And those are able to do that consistantly are also just a little higher than 1%. Get a makeover from some professionals, and see just how good you can not only look in a picture, but how well you can emulate a woman's walk and other movements. How big are your hands? How big are your feet? Both can be dead giveaways.
If you're attracted to men, that might alleviate one of the big post SRS problems; who might date you. The percentage of women who are attracted to post op MTF females is so small that for all intentions and purposes, they simply don't exist. The number who are attracted to crossdressers is less than 1%; MTF TS? approaching zero.
If you really do like dating and having sex with men, OTOH, you have a chance of that happening. But LTR with one? Not likely. Most men who find MTF TS sexually appealing aren't interested in marrying one, and even those, want a stunningly beautiful one. At least in western culture. Perhaps in the far east you might find a different situation.