How to tell her?

[Kelli_cd]

Sisters, I need some advice.

Background - My wife and I have been married 32 years. Love abounds, but we are not "in love", per se, and sex is a thing of the far gone past. I can live with that. I wouldn't want to live without her. For better or for worse, right? Besides, she really is my best friend. The only person who has known me longer is my sister!

Well, I've never told her that I like to wear panties and bras. I'm so in the closet. I know her well enough that I really think she wouldn't be happy to know. I just picture an awful conversation about this. But, as I now have close to 150 panties and more than 20 bras, I have a not unrealistic fear of her finding something. Now, I've been wearing panties off and on for about 20 years, and I've managed to remain lucky and not leave anything visible. It's getting more difficult, though.
I probably missed the perfect opportunity to talk about this with her. I had 2 pedicures earlier this year, and managed, for the most part, to keep my painted nails hidden. But, here is where I've made my first mistake in 20 years. The first time was late at night. I came home from a function and my feet were really tired. I was sitting at my desk, about 8 feet from my wife. I totally forgot about the nail color. I took off my socks, and after about 5 minutes, my 24-year-old son remarked, Dad are your toenails black?! I was busted. I said, No, they're lilac.

So, I had to explain to my wife that during my unemployment, I had gone to have a pedicure. She rather sarcastically asked if I had enjoyed it, and I told her I did. A month or so later, after my second pedicure, I was headed out to get the mail, knowing my wife would soon be home from work. I figured I had just enough time to get the mail, and head back inside to put on socks. So, I slipped on my flip flops, opened the door, and there she was! This time my nails were pink. She was not happy, to say the least. And, she asked, rather timidly, Are you a crossdresser?

And in the heat of that moment, I knew I had a chance - and I bailed, and sheepishly replied, No. She asked me at that point to stop getting pedis, or at least, to stop getting color. And I figure, if I can't have color it won't be so enjoyable. So,
I haven't had a pedi in 4 months, and I really miss the color on my nails. I've still been able to under dress most days (she doesn't know).

I'm tired of living like this. I know I need to tell her. I don't know how.

She may surprise me, but I doubt it. She was quite accepting when our son told her he was gay. But, I think she had known and expected that for quite some time.

How do I start? Where do I start?

[Tracii G]

You know her better than we do so what do you think?
If you tell her what benefit is there for you or her?
Do you think its right to saddle her with your "secret" of all these years?
Plus you tell her and she may think you had been lying or hiding things from her all these years and lose trust in you.
If you lied about crossdressing she then may think what else have you possibly been lying about?
There is way more to "telling" her than you may realize because you are a guy and women think different than men so you have no way of knowing how she will react.
Sit and think about it do you want to risk what you have together over panties and bras ?

[Cassiek]

Don’t feel lonely there are many of us in the same situation. That being said no matter what any of us say only you will be able to make that dreaded decision to come out we’re not come out. My situation is not much different than yours I believe my wife knows that I dress but has no idea how much. We have been married 14 years and until recently or has been great. I guess the stresses of having two younger children her schedule and my schedule are now catching up to us. Like you I love my wife more than anything and would hate to lose her. I guess when the time is right And the conversation comes up I will be 100% honest with her until then I cowardly remain in the closet. Good luck with whatever decision you make happiness is a 2 Way St. and should apply to both of you

[Crissy 107]

Hi Kelli, First, it’s good to see you here. You did miss an opportunity when she saw your pretty toes but there are other opportunities ahead. You will know when just like you know you had a missed one but this time be ready in the back of your head. I, as you know, need to have another conversation with my wife (Kelli and I are friends) I have not found that moment but it will be soon. I have had acceptance to some degree for over 4 years but my wife recently slipped into the tolerant camp.
I think having the talk and explaining to her the way you feel and how this part of us will never go away will be a weight lifted off your shoulders. That said, only you know your wife and have to decide the how and when of this. Good luck!
Crissy

[Asew]

There are risks to telling her and risks to not telling her (and she finds your stash or another slip up). Is it worth the risk to tell her? Like Tracii said you know her better than us so we can only give you suggestions to ponder but ultimately it is you who best assess the situation.

[Shelly Preston]

If you decide to tell her you at least have an opening.

You can remind her of the pink nails conversation.

I suggest you read the link in my signature on "how to tell your partner"

Only you can really decide if its the right thing to do

[Marie-Jo]

Maybe you should have a pedi, nice color, and then show it to your wife and tell her that you like it and will do this now and then. That will be a nice test balloon and a good opportunity to move on the the topic of dressing and under dressing. I have a hard time to believe that she knows nothing if you have 200 fem under ware. I think that she acts as the three monkeys that each see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing but together knows everything. I think the comment about the pink nails was from one of those monkeys breaking the protocol.

[Bruce64]

Simple sit and tell her that this is a part of who I am and I have been doing this of for a longtime and I want you to understand that it comes and goes and I love wearing Women's Panties. That worked for me perfectly, my Wife understand every word I said and from then on I go about my own. I think your Wife would know that you wear Panties with that amount you have, or at least suspect that you do.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kelli , Be sure to see line #4 in my signature And I wish you LUCK. >Orchid .0..0.

[Teri Ray]

Kelli,

There is no right answer for everybody. Each relationship has its own dynamics. I find most people on this site,(myself included) tend not to tell others what or how to do anything (unless its a dressing tip). If you read the posts in the sticky above "Tips on SO acceptance" and read posts in the "Loved ones" forum I believe you will find information that will be useful to your decision. These threads have points of view from both spouses perspective. It sure can't hurt and could be beneficial. Best wishes on you decision for both you and your wife.

[kimdl93]

I think seems you have started, inadvertently. Don’t doubt tat your wife has been wondering about the pedis. And I would suggest that your hiring of an incredible number of panties and bras has not gone undiscovered. What does that tell you? It suggests to me that your wife would rather NOT know, even to the point of allowing a degree of mutual self deception. It’s not a great situation and it could get decidedly worse.

[Kimberly Adams]

Do you just wear panties and bras and get pedicures? No full dressing? Or maybe that's the direction you would like to take? I told my wife about two months ago and was prepared to shelve the dressing if she asked me to. I got lots of questions including whether I was gay, etc. and just was totally honest and transparent. Thankfully she has been very supportive so far and even helpful. I know I'm one of the lucky few. Best wishes and hope you have a good outcome.

Kimberly

[Angie G]

no one can really tell you how to tell your wife you want to dress. My wife knows I dress I got her to let me wear a skirt one very hat day and it went from there. My dad dressed a bit so my wife thinks it in my jeans hay it works for me.

Angie

[Beverley Sims]

With the pedi's I would do your own colour, at some time you probably need to broach the subject with your wife.

[Jenny22]

Kelli, your comment, "She may surprise me, but I doubt it. She was quite accepting when our son told her he was gay. But, I think she had known and expected that for quite some time." is interesting. I truly believe she strongly suspects you are a cross dresser even, if only bras and panties, due to the pink toes incident and her asking if you were a CDer. Now may be the time to reveal. Consider all of the advice given by your sisters here, and explore as many sources as you can find in this forum to help you. The ball will be in your court, if you reveal, but it will be in her's, if she finds any of your girly things. Good luck.

[Crissy 107]

Kelli, Some very good advice on this thread. Think it through and pick your time, hmmm, maybe I should do the same.
Crissy

[Stephanie47]

I as many others have stated really cannot give you advice as to when to tell your wife. Pedicures with added color by itself is not any where close to being labeled a cross dresser. I think most women, whether upset about it or not, would consider that to be more of a fetish. I don't know if your wife has zero thoughts as to whether you're a cross dresser or not unless she has found your wardrobe of panties and bras. It's really hard to not slip up once over so many years. I think many women would consider a man wearing panties also a fetish. Now, here comes the bras. That is something that will not fly as a fetish alone to a woman. I heard from my wife at the time of "The Talk" "Why would a man want to wear a bra when he has nothing to pack into it?" Good question.

Sooner or later this will all come out. How will she react? Only you will bear the consequences of your action or inaction, not us. When the time arrives be truthful. Don't make up a line of BS. Women are not stupid. Be prepared for a grilling. Tears. Screaming. I mulled over what to tell her. I told her the truth as it is known to me. "I don't know why I do what I do!" I could tell her how it makes me feel. It's relieves stress. Be careful of trying to equate what you do with what she may do as a woman. I may be at odds with others, but, my wife's retort to the bringing out the inner woman within me resulted in "When a man can have a baby, then tell me about being a woman."

When you do have "The Talk" be prepared. Don't just blurt it out and start fumbling for words to express feelings. And, give her plenty of time to digest this new complicated you.

[Aunt Kelly]

First off recognize and admit two things...
First, you have been hiding this from your spouse (probably) longer than you've been married, and you made that worse by lying when she asked. Getting past that will be as hard, if not harder than, the CD'ing.
Second, owning 150 pairs of panties qualifies you as having a genuine disorder. I'd look into getting that under control first. CD'ing is not a disorder per se, but the hoarding that is wound up in it is something you should get sorted.

[Karen's Secret]

How old are you and your wife? I ask because at some point, after such a long time, I wonder if it's worth the pain that might be caused. At a certain point in life I think we get to the point where we might need to let it ride. For example, if you're both in your early to mid 70's it might be best to leave it alone.

[Tracii G]

Unless you have the bras and panties in a safe or out in an abandon rusty old tool box I would say she knows about them but just hasn't said anything.
She may be too scared to face you because she doesn't want to know the answer.
If women suspect something they will snoop around in their man's stuff looking for evidence.
Its just the way women are so its best to let you know the truth because most guys think their wife would never do that.
I have been married twice and I know for a fact they do that. Girl friends are actually worse at this than wives about snooping.
I caught one GF snooping and I ended the relationship right there on the spot. Thats just me and I don't tolerate snooping.

[Mary Lawrence]

You lied to your spouse and, I presume, this has made you more than a bit unhappy because you don't like to lie, especially to her. I suggest that you bring this up, admitting that you lied to her and that has really been bothering you; you really want to tell the truth. You lied out of embarrassment, probably (at least, I did with my wife). Admit it and tell her the truth. Maybe the conversation will benefit you both.
Mary

[Becky Blue]

Kelli you have received a lot of really sensible advice here... no one knows the dynamic of your relationship nor your wife, so the best advice in my opinion is make sure you think it through very carefully, try and role play the possible questions she will raise and the possible reactions you could get and remember you can't untell her...

[phili]

People are like lawyers- they usually ask questions they know the answer to. In general terms, getting color on the toenails is enough to be legitimately called a crossdresser, anyway!

She has heard of cds, she figured you were showing them either deliberately or just forgot your defenses, and I would remember back the tone in her voice when she asked.


But she can see you were lying, and just doesn't know exactly how much. She probably went snooping to see if there was more evidence, but not finding any would not allay her fears.

Asking timidly may reflect what she feels is a power imbalance between you. So she asked you to stop, and this is her simple way to prove it.


That is where our weak spot is, of course- we can't stop. But the more important question is really about love- your son and wife really want and need you to be a real person and not lying to them. It ruins trust. So your instinct is right- just sit them down and say you love them and put trustworthiness as your highest value. Yes, you lied because you were scared, and you just don't want to lie anymore. You want them to trust you, and you do trust them to understand your own struggles.

[Kelli_cd]

You know her better than we do so what do you think?
If you tell her what benefit is there for you or her?

This isa a big part of it. I'm pretty sure she'll flip out. And, trust me, that wouldn't be a good thing.

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Thank you Shelly. I will read this later tonight.

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I'm not sure I would call it hoarding. Of course, I wouldn't! It's more like collecting - every time Soma releases a new color, I just have to have it. Okay, maybe obsession is more like it.

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I'm in my late 50s, she's early 50s.

[Tracy Irving]

Obsession is a much better word than what others have called it. There is no magical number that qualifies you as having a genuine panty disorder. We are all different and we all have different things we like to do or collect. Just because someone doesn't share your passion is not a reason to get it under a control number of their choosing.

There are people that collect stamps, others don't. If someone collected almost 150 stamps should those that don't consider him a hoarder? Heck no!!! You can have as many panties as make you comfortable (until you have one more pair than me, then you are out of control, lol).

Just for fun, check out some of the online videos of celebrity closets (see Jamie Chua).Some of these closets are just fantastic, a crossdressers dream come true! Do all of these people qualify for genuine closet disorders or maybe it is a money disorder? It is not my place to tell them how to live.