Following is an essay I wrote for my blog. When it ran, I was surprised how many had the same experiences. These triggers, this theory about myself, was not something I read. It is what I felt and through reflection, what I began to understand about myself. I thought I'd share it here.
Prior to my self-acceptance, as I now look back, there were three definite triggers that fueled my CD desires. Now, something as simple as it being Wednesday may set me off!
First let me explain, all of my life CDing was an impulse, nothing joyful or happy. It was never at all satisfying. I hated it and I hated myself when I succumbed. It was never, ever complete. It could be simply wearing a bra. It might have been getting completely dressed, covered with my then voluminous body hair, and dressed only from the neck down. I looked ridiculous and felt the same. Shame and guilt, always. I have now experienced more joy and happiness in one day dressed then I had in the previous, almost 50 years doing so.
There were three separate triggers. First, opportunity. Being alone for some period of time as well as having access to some article or articles of women’s clothing. That might have been a sick day when I was young or simply access to my wife’s lingerie drawer on a then rare afternoon home alone.
Secondly, an idle mind. When my mind is engaged in whatever, life, my career, the children, friends, sports, etc., the thought never entered. When the kids were small and I was building my career, I could go months and months without even a single CD thought. As I grew older and my career deteriorated (another story for another time, maybe), the kids became more self-sufficient, the mind wasn’t spinning 24/7. CDing always rushed in when there was mental downtime.
Finally, intense stress really fueled the fire. I went through a business failure earlier in this century and it created significant collateral damage to my life. Work days felt like a daily trudge to the electric chair and I often would have preferred the chair at those very dark times. Buying various items or articles of clothing, wearing them usually briefly and the headache-inducing guilt afterward at least distracted me from the misery I was living. Buy, wear, purge, sometimes that same afternoon. Hell on earth.
So we fast forward to that day of self-acceptance I discuss in the “About” section of my blog (https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/about/) and there is a convergence of all three. The nest is empty, the girls grown and gone. My absolutely mindless job has my mind as idle as it has ever been and idle for days. My wife’s work schedule varies, which means I was home alone quite a bit. I ate and drank too much. I’d run through a bottle of whiskey in a few days. I thought about these wretched urges all the time. Trapped inside my own head for hours at a time, I finally broke. I finally accepted who and what I am and the rest is history. Everything from that moment forward was a step in a positive direction, a step toward happiness. Go and look at my blog posts on days out. Look at those smiles. You cannot fake those. Those smiles come from the heart and they come from someone who stopped the fight and is blessed beyond words to have such a great family. Can you do it? I sure hope so and am happy to at least offer my support along that difficult path. Reach out through the “Contact” section of the blog (https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/contact/) as I am a very good listener. God bless anyone going through gender identity issues. They are very real and even more misunderstood, even by many going through them.
