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Thread: My Triggers

  1. #1
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    My Triggers

    Following is an essay I wrote for my blog. When it ran, I was surprised how many had the same experiences. These triggers, this theory about myself, was not something I read. It is what I felt and through reflection, what I began to understand about myself. I thought I'd share it here.

    Prior to my self-acceptance, as I now look back, there were three definite triggers that fueled my CD desires. Now, something as simple as it being Wednesday may set me off!

    First let me explain, all of my life CDing was an impulse, nothing joyful or happy. It was never at all satisfying. I hated it and I hated myself when I succumbed. It was never, ever complete. It could be simply wearing a bra. It might have been getting completely dressed, covered with my then voluminous body hair, and dressed only from the neck down. I looked ridiculous and felt the same. Shame and guilt, always. I have now experienced more joy and happiness in one day dressed then I had in the previous, almost 50 years doing so.

    There were three separate triggers. First, opportunity. Being alone for some period of time as well as having access to some article or articles of women’s clothing. That might have been a sick day when I was young or simply access to my wife’s lingerie drawer on a then rare afternoon home alone.

    Secondly, an idle mind. When my mind is engaged in whatever, life, my career, the children, friends, sports, etc., the thought never entered. When the kids were small and I was building my career, I could go months and months without even a single CD thought. As I grew older and my career deteriorated (another story for another time, maybe), the kids became more self-sufficient, the mind wasn’t spinning 24/7. CDing always rushed in when there was mental downtime.

    Finally, intense stress really fueled the fire. I went through a business failure earlier in this century and it created significant collateral damage to my life. Work days felt like a daily trudge to the electric chair and I often would have preferred the chair at those very dark times. Buying various items or articles of clothing, wearing them usually briefly and the headache-inducing guilt afterward at least distracted me from the misery I was living. Buy, wear, purge, sometimes that same afternoon. Hell on earth.

    So we fast forward to that day of self-acceptance I discuss in the “About” section of my blog (https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/about/) and there is a convergence of all three. The nest is empty, the girls grown and gone. My absolutely mindless job has my mind as idle as it has ever been and idle for days. My wife’s work schedule varies, which means I was home alone quite a bit. I ate and drank too much. I’d run through a bottle of whiskey in a few days. I thought about these wretched urges all the time. Trapped inside my own head for hours at a time, I finally broke. I finally accepted who and what I am and the rest is history. Everything from that moment forward was a step in a positive direction, a step toward happiness. Go and look at my blog posts on days out. Look at those smiles. You cannot fake those. Those smiles come from the heart and they come from someone who stopped the fight and is blessed beyond words to have such a great family. Can you do it? I sure hope so and am happy to at least offer my support along that difficult path. Reach out through the “Contact” section of the blog (https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/contact/) as I am a very good listener. God bless anyone going through gender identity issues. They are very real and even more misunderstood, even by many going through them.
    Visit Kandi's Land (http://www.kandis-land.com/) daily! Nothing but positive and uplifting posts!

    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Sami Brown's Avatar
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    Your story is interesting. I am glad you shared it with us. I also appreciate the fact that you offer to be a sounding board for those who read your blog.

    Keep on smiling!

    Sami
    My new blog: The Crossdresser Report
    https://crossdresserreport.com/

  3. #3
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    Kandi I agree with your first two triggers. I do not believe in stress (I tell everyone that stress is a symptom made up by a soap opera doctor. From my perspective stress has become the excuse for too many things. So I have started the "there is no stress" symptom to be replaced by many other things such as worry, concern, frustration etc. But not stress, just my way of coping). So the third is out for me. I guess before you get to the triggers though you have to start with the desire. I enjoyed your post and your blog thanks for sharing. You are inspiring.
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    Kandi,
    I have to agree with you on points 1 and 2. I'm not sure if stress is a trigger, however, dressing is a great way to relieve stress.
    Dressing is a heck of a lot healthier than a bottle of whiskey.
    p.s. love your blog and your general attitude.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member krissy's Avatar
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    Kandi

    I just had to tell you, you hit it on the head I got to that point but it took till I was 58 years old .im more accepting of this part of me and I don't have the big guilt or shame any more im so glad there are others like you out there. Thank you for your story I hope you have a happy and wonderful life God Bless

  6. #6
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    Like a page from my own life!
    Lace and Smiles,
    Lisa!

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    It is good that you have made a comprehensive effort to document everything, now just look at the pointers each day and go forward.

    Nice offer to be a sounding board to others, it is a great service you offer.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  8. #8
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Kandi,
    That is a super interesting back story to your beautiful relaxed smile and womanly radiance today.

    I view 1 and 2 for me as not 'triggers' so much as 'finally!-tiny windows of opportunity to briefly recover my lost self".

    Cross dressing for me was my simple minded avenue of release from the normal heavy stress of restricting myself into manlike presentation. Specially stressful situations for me were things that had to be gotten out of the way, so I could at least be at normal stress level.

    Like you, in my retirement, I am now free to try to make the world better for other crossdressers! I think we are searching still for the social norm to appear that trans^ variation is common and accepted. In the meantime your presence is proving the point to so many!
    We are all beautiful...!

  9. #9
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    It is very interesting. I can relate to it. I agree with the first two triggers.

  10. #10
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    Hi Kandi , Thanks for sharing One & Two really hit home for me. >Orchid ..++..
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  11. #11
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    Like others have said, points 1 and 2 definitwly ring true here.

    3 might be more thay dressing is a cure more than a symptom tho.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    Very interesting. Thank you for sharing.

  13. #13
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
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    Thanks Sis, really good post. I see some of that in my life, or at least in my past. I think I have one other trigger, loneliness. Even though I am married, my relationship ship does not always contain ad much intimacy as I desire from time to time. This is probably natural, but varies from couple to couple. And I am talking about a larger intimacy more inclusive than sex. Really more of a disconnect when we are too busy, or stressed or irritated.
    Put on a Happy Face.

  14. #14
    Member Felicia M's Avatar
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    Being alone and an idle mind are definitely triggers for me. Third - stress - is not. I wish I processed stress by putting on high heels, panties and a bra! but unfortunately I tend to just shut down and keep things as simple as possible during stressful periods.
    I have been circling for a thousand years,
    and I still don?t know if I am a falcon, or a storm,
    or a great song.

    Rainer Maria Rilke
    https://www.flickr.com/people/170325405@N05/

  15. #15
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    I feel like loneliness is a better description of a trigger for me, but this obviously provides opportunity and an idle mind so it definitely matches your triggers too.

  16. #16
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    You're not being 'triggered'. Your mind is simply letting your true self to come forward. The stress is from subconsciously repressing the desire to crossdress, and when too many other stressful things are present, your mind cannot keep it all bottled up, so something has to give. Allowing yourself to crossdress relieves at least one of those stress points.

    A simple analogy. You leave the house in the very early morning and it's very cold. So you wear an undershirt, long sleeve flannel shirt, sweatshirt, down vest, and winter parka. By noon it's now high summertime temperatures, 38C or 100F. Sure, you can still go about your business all covered up, but how long can you do it? Eventually you're going to overheat and rip all those clothes off and then feel relief.
    Crossdressing is the opposite, only instead of taking all the stuff off, you're putting all kinds of stuff, ON in order to feel normal.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

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