A very challenging conversation

[KatrinaK]

Rogina, there are a few, including me. There’s a dichotomy between anonymity and pride that I’m struggling with. I’m leaning heavily to the pride side, but wrestling with the implications.

[DaisyLawrence]

No you are not the only one Ro, I too think something should have been said, just not including violence, ever. The mistake Katrina made was to assume saying something would have 'outed' her to people she did not wish to be out to. I'm sure with the benifit of hindsight she now realises she could have said something that did not include a personal declaration by being quite general in her respeonse to the bigotry shown. Some good suggestions on this thread. There'll always be a next time Katrina.

[Shayla]

Difficult situation. I would like to say that I would have come up with something witty, but the reality is probably not. Unfortunately we have all met that "type" and there isn't much you could have said to change his mind. Makes me think I should have some responses ready to go for that type of situation...But your posts do raise the issue- how do we defend trans people anonymously, since most of us are not out in public? And if we dont vigorously defend trans rights, are we hypocrites?

[Rogina B]

When we in the "alphabet community" are trying to build support for a city to enact an all inclusive human rights ordinance[HRO],we engage the support of "Straight Allies"...People that "get it" because they believe in the good of people. It is from this "angle" that you can support the community yet not "out" yourself. Done around the globe all the time !

[Sarasometimes]

Rogina,
Your view that she should have said something is fair but I think this situation is kind of like a replay in sports. Katrina was undoubtedly caught off guard by this and then she reached out to us to essentially second guess her. We had the benefit of time and no real emotions from being in the moment. Maybe if she said something, a meaningful dialogue would have ensued but call me a skeptic, I truly doubt it.

[Crissy 107]

Sara, I totally agree with you. So many times one can think of something they should have said about whatever but did not at the moment. Crissy

[mykell]

And therein lies the crux - I’m kind of ashamed of myself for not finding a way to speak up. Forget the violence, which was just a fantasy really... I feel like if I have the audacity to wear a genderfluid pride flag around my neck, that I have a responsibility to stand up to that kind of vitriol. Cause here’s the thing- if we don’t stand up for ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to stand up for us. I feel like once we have constitutional protection as a group against discrimination, then it will be easy - but who is going to pave that road if not us?

Thanks for the positive comments about controlling myself, but I feel like I missed an opportunity to do the ethical thing, out of fear. I’m done with fear, but it’s taking time for that to manifest itself in my daily life.

no shame in how you handled the situation, it had happened to me many times in my social circles, rumored innuendoes have followed me since high school.

just wanted to share how i handle it now that i have accepted myself.

i am curious and did not bring it up at first, does your brother know your secret ? maybe has his suspicions ? found your stash when growing up, shared this with his friend to out you or shame you to get you to stop.....they seemed to know a little too much about things, trans agendas and terms and you openly wearing the GF flag has raised theyre ire....it seems theyre banter was directed towards you ?

[Stephanie47]

funny you should mention Latina, my wife is, their by my son is half, was working with an elder person whos son i later worked with.

we were working in a predominantly Puerto rican area and he kept making fun about how they spoke English with an accent, i was just happy they were speaking English.

i got fed up and asked if i had showed him a picture of my son. he said no, i pulled the foto out and showed him, he said he was handsome, i said thank you and told him he was 1/2 puerto rican, he started to babble about how i knew what he meant about the comments and he didnt mean anything.

i looked at him in the eye and told him i knew exactly what he meant and walked away, that is what i base my new approach to sticking up for myself while not outing myself. someday when my wife is better about it it wont matter anymore and i will just stick up for myself....

Exactly! My daughter married a highly education professional, who happens to be African-American. My wife and I have done the same thing, yank out the photos of daughter, son-in-law, and mixed race grandson. Yep, all kinds of embarrassment. Oh, not racist? Damn straight you are! Our family is so diverse we are able to embarrass every pin-headed person for their bias words against transgender men and women, all races and all religions. You want to slam someone segment of our society, you slam our family.

When it comes to this posts transgender issue I hang out with a group of a dozen combat veterans who are in our late sixties and early seventies. Although many do not understand what makes a transgender man or woman tick, they do not denigrate and belittle others. Maybe it has something to do with defending someone's right to be different.

[Sarah Doepner]

. . . .But for the sake of your relationship, probably best you stayed silent and probably mention to your brother in private, that you found his "bros views" ignorant and embarrassing

I agree with Rachel here. If you are ever invited to join them again, decline with that conversation being the reason. You don't have to come out to your brother, but you can pick a battle you can win. Being a supporter of the marginalized people is a good solid stand and your family should be willing to honor your desires there.

[Aunt Kelly]

When it comes to this posts transgender issue I hang out with a group of a dozen combat veterans who are in our late sixties and early seventies. Although many do not understand what makes a transgender man or woman tick, they do not denigrate and belittle others. Maybe it has something to do with defending someone's right to be different.

Very insightful, Stephanie. That group, genuine combat veterans, knows how equal we all are. They may not always consciously appreciate those differences, but as a group, they are more ready to accept such things than the rest of society. I suspect such insight comes from their unique experience.