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Thread: Why does Cross-Dressing bother people so much?

  1. #1
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Why does Cross-Dressing bother people so much?

    I hate that this may ruin my marriage. The only thing different is that I told her I dressed a few times for fun.
    She saw me five times on Halloween , I guess it's her life, let her do what she wants.
    I thought things were going well after I told her about my dressing two years ago.

    Life is interesting I think she crazy to end a 39 year marriage over it, I'm still the same person.
    I stopped for about twenty years while my kids were growing up.

    ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
    Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 09-02-2018 at 06:23 PM. Reason: typo
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  2. #2
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    I'm beginning to think that it's because those that give us a hard time want to, but are afraid of what other people may think if they did.
    Kelly DeWinter
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  3. #3
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    The short answer is "fear and ignorance". The same thing that is behind most forms of hatred. That knowledge is not much help in your situation, but maybe you can find a way to remove one

  4. #4
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    It is a really great question Judy... i think its because past society has deemed it to be a no no so it has a stigma. I also agree with you Kelly, its the shame of my SO is a ...... I am wondering too if there could also be a small element of fear will my SO want to become a woman, where does that leave me? I am not a lesbian, I don't want people to think i am. Perhaps we also hit a nerve with our SO's why was I attracted to this man who turns out to be less than a man?
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  5. #5
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    Fear.... organisms are motivated by hunger, self defense and sex...not necessarily in that order. We represent a confusion of sex/gender.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  6. #6
    Multi-Blogger Barbara Black's Avatar
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    I agree with them probably being afraid of what others will think. My wife always set limits because of who might see me. Of course this changed along the way and gets better. If not, I'd probably be separated also. it would be another 30 year plus marriage down the tubes if it didn't.

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member krissy's Avatar
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    my first wife of 5 years found out about two weeks into marriage she didn't like it but we worked on it but she got to where she was putting me in embarrassing positions like tell me to go to store while she watched me get all nervous that was her way of dealing with it but she got tired of that soon enough left me while I was at work.my current wife of 39 years was told up front and she even lived with a woman .I thought I found the one boy was I wrong. After we got married I dressed up for her to see with the help of her best friend and her after that night she told me she couldn't stand to see me that way we broke up but after a year she came and told me she wanted to be with me and she would try for us to stay together . All theses years later I find out she stayed with me because I was a father to her kids and I had a son from a previous marriage she didn't want him so we fought about my dressing and to this day she wont accept me but I have accepted myself.i dress but I want to dress with someone who can tell me its cool and hold me that's too much to ask for I guess maybe next life.LoL

  8. #8
    Member Ronnie38's Avatar
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    In my opinion, a woman in a relationship with a crisscrossed is forced into the dressers closet. Whether you are up front from the beginning or told her many years later you are pulling her involuntarily into whatever closet you are in. She now has to keep your secret, indulge in your fantasy\fetish\kink\etc. For those of you with accepting spouses, treat them right and hold them dear. Emotionally, you have shown and put them through a lot and they deserve everything they ask as a result. For those in a dadt relationship, so the same. For those in an accepting relationship, this is not what she signed on for and you should respect that. We may be feeling vulnerable and weird about coming out to our spouses or so's but put yourself in their shoes. What if she wanted to stay with you but wanted to dress, act, and even have sex as a man. Would you let her? Would you indulge her as well as keeping her secret? Would you be ashamed of afraid?
    I am in a more tolerant relationship but I keep these questions in mind every time I think of dressing in front of my wife. Marriage is a two way street.

  9. #9
    Member Kimberly Adams's Avatar
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    I've been married 10+ years and just told my wife a few months ago. I was prepared to call it quits if she told me to but thankfully she has been very supportive. I know I'm in the minority. Honestly can't believe she's been so understanding. Wish you and your wife the best.

  10. #10
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Judy,

    My heart goes out to you in the deepest way. Your story and status resonate with me.
    I too have a long term marriage of 41 yrs. I love that woman. She's my best everything. I came out late in life; very late. It was a huge surprise.
    We've been fighting over this for the 3 yrs since. It's the only thing we've ever become so personal over. On the other hand, I give my wife credit for trying to understand and accept what is spinning around inside me, and why NOW. She's supported my Trans Support Group meetings and supported gender therapy that I recently began.

    One thing my therapist has emphasized is communication. Tell her what you need and how you feel. It's not easy, and I'm re-learning so much about relationships. My good Dr. also told me, " She's losing her husband. She's grieving. How do you expect her to feel? She's in shock." That point hit home very much. I've endeavored since to examine how my own behavior and needs may appear through her eyes; her perspective. The therapist also emphasized there's ways to address her fears and build a path forward. I believe that, and my wife believes that.

    There's a way, Judy. I truly believe it. In a relationship that's been together for your 39 yrs and friends for 39 yrs and a team for 39 yrs, there's a way to prevail and preserve what you value. I know the place you're at emotionally. I've been there, sister and may be yet again. Don't give up. Tell her you value her and still need to grow old in each other's arms. You also value yourself, and she needs to know that too.
    Love. Peace. Stay strong and loving.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  11. #11
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    People see CD'ing from many different points of view. The reasons vary like;

    1. it can depend on the internet sites they have looked at.
    2. fear the unknown
    3. how ignorant they are of the reasons why it is done by the particular person
    4. gender confusion, as in what are they, and why are they doing it
    5. embarrassment of what others may think of them because of what their spouse is doing
    6. not wanting to live with secrets of this kind
    7. not wanting to be thought of a being a lesbian or something like that
    8. just wanting a manly man
    9. some people just want to be in control and their spouses clothing habits are beyond their control
    10. any combination of all of the above

    I speculate that this list could keep going on, and on!
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  12. #12
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Judy,

    I understand your frustration. For the sake of clarity, are you saying that your wife is actually leaving you this time or is she just threatening to again?

    I have a theory about wives that leave their husbands over a bit of private crossdressing and that is that they use it as an excuse to end a marraige without any personal guilt, a marraige they wanted to come to an end anyway but felt they couldn't without having to acccept the social stigma of the blame for ending it. Crossdressing can be just the excuse they need. This means that many CD's think that crossdressing ended their marraige when, in fact, it didn't.
    Last edited by DaisyLawrence; 09-02-2018 at 01:37 AM.

  13. #13
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    Judy,
    The best thing is for both of you to admit the truth , as my wife and I did ,she can't live with it and I can't live without it . We both openly accepted that and from that moment on the situation changed , the house went on the market and we started thinking about new homes for both of us . In some respects evryone breathed a sigh of relief , OK we tried to keep it as amicable as possible fror the sake of the children and grandchildren . We did OK on the sale of the house and just split 50-50 , at the moment we are separated neither of us wants to spend money on a divorce , we have given enough to the legal profession .

    I was married 44 years but now look at it that I have just enough of an income to live my life as I choose , everyone knows the situation so we aren't having to hide anything , some but not all have seen me dressed . I'm far happier , I discovered that Cding was only part of the problem , the main problem is she has no control over me anymore .

    You have to decide how much you truly want to dress , what is driving it , once free would you consider transition ? Now I'm free to consider all this I'm much more content , I can do it at my own pace , no one is telling me it's wrong and making me feel guilty . Being freely out and about is wonderful , OK I now have to totally fend for myself but I've also proved I'm perfectly capable despite the fears they all had .

    The bottom line is my wife has to find another punch bag , I'm done with it !

  14. #14
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Judy,

    It's one of those things deeply embedded into most cultures. It goes back centuries and is built around "Thou shalt not...." Those rules have whether you like it or not have shaped the way society and it's laws have been formulated.

    Watch the Imitation Game which shows the work of Alan Turing and you'll see how being Gay was viewed only a few generations ago. Now thankfully society's views on that have and are changing. It no longer carries that huge social stigma. It's now okay to be famous and Gay.

    That said coming out as Gay when into a long term marriage isn't likely to go well so for us who are only just starting to gain social acceptance it's going to be doubly hard for the partner to cope with.

    The shock factor of revealing that to which we are drawn must be immense and only if the reality can be rationalised to whatever degree can things move forward.

    The fact that a marriage worked for decades with a closet CD it in for some reason doesn't carry any weight with many SO's. They've successfully lived with that person so logically life should and could carry on. However with social stigma logic often doesn't part a part.

  15. #15
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Ronnie, I had to laugh just a little when I read part of your post (quoted below)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ronnie38 View Post
    What if she wanted to stay with you but wanted to dress, act, and even have sex as a man. Would you let her? Would you indulge her as well as keeping her secret? Would you be ashamed of afraid?
    I suspect that are a few of us in here who would, from time to time, enjoy being able to be the wife while our SO's took the part of the husband.

    I know, I know. That's not what you were talking about. But still- in THIS crowd???

  16. #16
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    People fear what they don't understand. Which causes them to hate.

  17. #17
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Great question and great responses. My 2 cents...movies, television, magazines, newspapers, etc. generally show us as gay, sad etc. now, I don’t give a hoot whether you’re straight, gay, bi, trans, etc., but it seems when cders are seen in the media, they’re mostly portrayed as gay which is, in my opinion, what the general public thinks, fears, misunderstands, doesn’t trust, about us. The growing popularity of the RuPaul show, adds to our misunderstandings. I am definitely not a drag queen. I can speak for our conservative community...if I were outed, I would be labeled gay, which I’m not and why I’m very careful. My supportive wife agrees with me.

  18. #18
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Teresa,

    You will always be one of my most beloved forum sisters.
    I believe that my marriage can and will endure if only for the reason that we both wish it to endure. It won't be easy. There will eventually come more decision points on my transition journey. That being said.....

    I absolutely love and admire your resolve. I keep your story in the back of my mind. It's clear that you were in an abusive relationship that went beyond the issues of CD. One thing my therapist reminded me. " Tell her you value her and your marriage. But also tell you that you value yourself." You did. It takes a real man to wear a dress, and even braver one to take a stand for herself.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  19. #19
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Short answer - Because it's weird.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  20. #20
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Longer Answer....
    Because of their up bringing they have been told it is not a natural growing experience and most have not come in contact with the problem.

    So it is weird, a forbidden sexual thing and perverted as well.

    I think you have to red everyone's reasons in this thread and you will find we are all still scratching for a good answer.

    Again jut learn to live with it and make adjustments as you proceed through life.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  21. #21
    Mannequiniste ! Stacy Darling's Avatar
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    Asking yourself that question may lead to the resolve!
    STOP, Well I just dance the way I feel
    Stop breathing imagine none of this is real

    Well I just dance the way I feel
    Well I just dance the way I feel
    Well I just dance the way I feel
    "Ou Est Le Swimming Pool"

  22. #22
    🙊🙈🙉 Patience's Avatar
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    Let's not pretend that crossdressers alone are stigmatized.

    All social deviation breeds contempt.
    When haters hate, I celebrate!

  23. #23
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    I'm beginning to think it's as much because we are lazy as for any other reason. It take effort to relate to another person and we look for whatever shortcuts we can to make the relationship, any relationship, work. Think of Uniforms for a moment; a law enforcement officer, a lawyer in a suit, a priest or nun in their 'work clothes', or anything that puts a person's name on their chest. It's something that establishes our expectations and the level and type of communication we can employ.

    Gender works the same way. It establishes much before we even begin to communicate verbally. When we send mixed signals about our gender identity, the other person has to work harder and most of resent having to put in the extra effort. So those who say it's fear and ignorance, they are correct, but it's as much because they other person is unwilling to work to find out who they are talking to.

    In a long term relationship like a marriage, it is much more complicated and involves power, relationships outside this one, and sexuality. But again, if the other person is willing to work at it they can figure out some of the key factors and make an informed choice. We find that once someone is willing to put in that work and ask the questions and compare their take on things with the existing social narrative they had been using, they tend to come around. I wish we could do more of the work for them, but alas, that rarely happens.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  24. #24
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    I'm sure you've asked her that same question, and probably posted her response here. Has her reaction changed over time?

    I saw the end of a nearly 20 year relationship due to conflict over dressing. In my case, the image of me presenting as a woman, in her perspective, changed the way she saw me entirely...in her words, the image was burned into her brain. I couldn't undo that.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  25. #25
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    This is kind of a weird question to me. I mean the question itself is pretty straightforward, but the general public’s fear and hatred of gender abnormality seems pretty unrealated to your wife’s specific issues with your dressing. She’s allowed to want what she wants, and apparently what she does not want is a cross dresser. I’m sorry your big reveal didn’t work out for you.

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