Why does Cross-Dressing bother people so much?

[Shelly Preston]

I think most of it comes down to fear and understanding.

There is also the why factor as in why did it have to be me who got caught up in this. Especially with partners.

A lot of the fears have already been mentioned.

As for understanding, we still don't know for sure why we are the way we are.

So explaining this can be difficult in the extreme. However it is getting better slowly as the media begin to treat us better than they have in the past.

We still have the pressures of society to deal with which vary's depending on where you live

[LilSissyStevie]

When did every form of disapproval become hate? I suppose if one doesn't genuflect in the presence of a CD then it's like Nazis, right? I think most people just think CDing is lame. Nobody has time for lameness. They don't understand it and neither do we for the most part.

[Charlotte-Jones]

Well think about it.
We already often struggle to come to terms with ourselves and our own dressing, yes?
Its only natural for it to uave a similar effect on those around us then, wouldn't you say?

Confusion, anxiety, etc.
These aren't things that are easy to just "deal with".
And given how crossdressers represent a small amount of the population, it is too easy to see dressers as "defective" and move on to someone else.

[alwayshave]

I simply think its your wife's preconceived notion of what a man should be, and that's what she wants.

[Bobbi46]

This is a very interesting post to say the least and also thought provoking, as I see it, it is a lack of people not comprehending the whole ethos of gender differences plus sociatal ideas that any divergance of a gender is an absolute no no almost to the point that there should be a law banning it, whilst not actually looking into the whys and wherefores of our community.
Shelley has hit the nail right on the head with this one and one point she makes which I think on its own has quite strong merit and that is about the current status of the media, yes things are getting better and the BBC a while ago had a series of programmes, all very well put together, unbiased, straight down the middle which explored just about all the gender variations that we speak of, if only there was more of that including newspaper articles explaining everything I think society as general would be more forthcoming towards us.

[docrobbysherry]

Judy, I have a difficult time believing your dressing is the sole cause of your breakup. Maybe it's more like the straw that broke the camel's back?

I couldn't last 10 years with my ex. The issues just continued to mount and even with counseling they didn't go away. None of them were my CDing by the way. I hadn't got into that yet.

I can't even imagine the issues you've dealt with to remain married for nearly 40 years!

[Bobbi46]

Judy you say you hate the idea of 39 years of marriage breaking up but have you not thought that your wife may well feel she has been cheated on in a way in that you say you or intimate, that you had been dressing for over 20 years yet you only admitted to your wife that you had been doing it for 2 years.
I'm not jumping on your back over this don't get get me wrong but do you not think that you must bear some responsibilty for the problems now ensuing? keeping something like this hidden for donkey's years then joking about dressing 5 times and then admitting to 2 years of dressing whereas in fact it had been part of entire life. It must have been upsetting for your xife to find this out and wonder if the man she married was still there.
Please for whatever reason I am not having a go at you at all I am just turning the stone over to se whats underneath.

[char GG]

Cross dressing doesn't bother all people - but it bothers your wife. Just my opinion, but it seems like you misled your wife way back when you told her that you only CDed a few times for fun. Then after approximately 37 years of marriage, you told her there was more to it. So, you have known all along that there was more to CDing than you originally told her.

I guess the question is: are you choosing CDing over your 39 year marriage? I obviously don't know your wife but it would seem to me that in her eyes, you may not be the same person that you pretended to be. She may wonder if there is more that you aren't telling. You say you stopped for 20 years while the kids were growing up but it sounds like she didn't even know that. Trust may be broken (only she knows the answer to that).

I know this has been very hard on you. Again, I don't know you or your wife but a serious discussion as to why you feel the need to CD may be in order. If you don't know why, then she won't understand why. You may have to figure out why you need to CD before you can be totally honest with her. I believe you still may be in clean up mode after years of deception and it won't be easy to rectify. She probably didn't get married thinking someday she may have to be "second" to clothes.

You told us that you are CDing in your secret "cave" so the deception is still going on. I realize that you feel you don't have a choice but she is again being deceived without even knowing it.

I really give you credit for trying to come clean with her a couple of years ago and I'm sorry it hasn't worked out so far. I truly hope that the two of you can come to some type of solution that makes both of you happy,

[DaisyLawrence]

Judy,

Char's reply number 33 is all you need to read.

[Desiree2bababe]

I agree, why does it? I refrained once my kids got old enough, about 20 years just like you. I don't understand it either, I guess friends like Kimberly Huddle have done it the right way, just be open about it from the get go.........but my wife just couldn't handle it.......still can't. You'd think it would have become more acceptable over the years.........

[Stephanie47]

Char makes some points. However, there is difficulty in explaining something someone does not truly understand. Way back when my wife and I had "The Talk" which was before the Internet was created I tried to explain. But, it did not work out well because I really do not know why I do what I do. I know how I feel when attired in women's clothing, but, that does not answer "The Why?" I thought about it and told her "I do not know why I do what I do!" And, that is the truth of it.

I did not tell her prior to marriage I had worn my mother's clothing when I was a teenager. I had not worn women's clothing for many years. I went to college. I was an infantryman in Vietnam and did all those nasty things that have haunted and will haunt until I am dead in a niche in the wall. I did not believe I would revisit my youth. So, do I tell her what I did and drive her away...maybe? Or do I just roll along believing I would not revisit it. Basically, my wife and I experienced my increasing desires. Yes, she asked "Wasn't she feminine enough? Desirable?" Damn, she was what any hot blooded man would want in a woman. Hot! Smart! Loving! Caring! "Honey, it has nothing to do with you. It's me." Yes, I told her I wish I did not do the things I do. If it was a defect that could be corrected I hoped Jerry Lewis would have a Labor Day Telethon to raise money for research to rid the world of this thousands of year old affliction. But, alas, that's not to be.

So, a wife tells her man, she does not appreciate it. What to do? Jump off a cliff? No, hide it. Don't flaunt it. Judy has a cave, a hiding place. Judy's wife badgers to no end, constantly reminded Judy she is disgusted. I often wonder what else she does not like about Judy's male personna. She is comfortable with the financial or status of the otherwise 'normal' relationship, but, feels it necessary to constantly beat a dead horse?

My wife chose to ignore it because she realized my 'thing' is only a minute part of my total being. I do not rub her nose in it. I do not climb the walls because I am self limiting.

To the original question of the poster society does not understand why a man chooses to emulate a woman, especially if the person is not a bona fide transsexual Society seems, for the most part, to accept the premise there are men and women born into the wrong sack of protoplasm. Cross dresser? Not some much.

A wife? Well, that brings the issue right to the front door. A woman chooses her husband based on her perception of who he appears to be. Cross dressing hidden or yet explored is an unknown and she may not like it. I cannot fault her for returning someone who really did not fit in the first place. Choose another man.

[MarinaTwelve200]

I think Many people STILL erroneously equate Crossdressing with Homosexuality---and even in this "enlightened age" Many people do not like or understand the concept of homosexuality and homosexuals. Usually those who know little about what homosexually actually is and who often feel "insecure" about their own sexuality on account of it.------Many people have the idea that Homosexuality is (in a man) "a man who wants to be or thinks he is a woman" and also believe the myths that they have a lust for other men, including straight ones. And that Crossdressers ARE Homosexuals too. Most people know better, but many do not. People who avoid the issues and were never educated or pursued facts about the subject especially. They go on believing MYTHS and misconceptions even into adulthood.---They learn these myths in their Youth from their equally ignorant peers and keep on believing them.

[Gillian Gigs]

Hugh Hefner opened a door to a sexual revolution with his first Playboy magazine and some people having been attempting to close that door ever since. Where did we get our sexual mores from in the first place, the Victorians, Puritans, or somewhere else? Most people see CD'ing as being outside their arena of "normal" and it will probably stay that way with them . Calling it a fetish isn't going to help either. Whether a person is in favour of homosexuality or fetishes should be nobodies business but their own. The problem is that some SO's are not in favour and any sexual behaviour should generally be between both consenting adults. I am not saying that all CD'ing is sexual, but some is, or it is perceived that way. If one is not consenting, then it gets placed into closets and out of sight. For many of us, it started as a sexual thing and the internet has portrayed it that way also. Once Pandora's box is opened, it can never be closed again. Yet, that has not stopped many from trying. As I have said to some people, "What you do in the privacy of your own home is your business, and I don't want to hear about it". The problem is that too many brag about it, and that doesn't necessarily help the cause.

[DanaR]

............................the main problem is she has no control over me anymore.

This is the main element, in a good relationship, neither person should try to control the other. It's interesting how that works, he/she might get upset at the other about something they did and pout, withhold something or any other similar action; which is controlling or trying to control. I've found that being honest and trying to have good dialog is better. Feelings are important and should be shared, to understand each other. If there are feelings that can't be compromised, maybe that is time for some outside help. If there can't be a compromise, then you are back to the control situation.

[RADER]

My first wife threw me under the Bus about 3 months after she caught me wearing a girdle.
Divorced in 3 months after 9 years and 2 kids.
15 years later, I met my second wife on a blind date. I hinted that I like to wear dresses on the next date.
We where married about a year later, and where very happy for about 19+ years. She was OK with my dressing.
Now she is now in Haven because she was an Angle.
Rader

[Rhonda Jean]

I think she crazy to end a 39 year marriage over it, I'm still the same person.

Mine did (30 yrs.) Mine went from supportive to divorcing me over it. I could write a book on it. A simplistic answer would be misinformation, fear caused by misinformation, embarrassment, and fear of bigger embarrassment. In the end, she just didn't love me anymore.

[DanaR]

I think that a lot of times, it isn't just about CDing, it's other things that have gone on in the relationship. I know it was in mine. I remember mentioning it to my wife once when I came home from a trip, when she didn't seem to be happy that I was home. Someone once told me the closest you are in a relationship is when it begins, then you start drifting apart. I don't know what the magic formula is, but doing nothing isn't going to make it any better. I suggested counciling and she wasn't interested, so I went myself. After a while she started going to a therapist and she changed, for the better for both of us. That was a number of years ago, now we are good friends.

[sometimes_miss]

Is your question why it bothers people in general, why it bothers men,why it bothers women, why it bothers kids, or....
why it bothers your wife? All those answers will be different. I'll assume you want the last, and it's been discussed in length here many times.
In brief:
Primarily, romantic love is intrinsically tied to sexual attraction. Crossdressing affects how women see us. You went from being seen by her as a masculine man, into something else. Most women aren't sexually attracted to other women. And that may be how she sees you; feminine. Kill the sexual attraction, and the romantic love can quickly die as well. Then you are basically just a friend, if that. Because being seen as deceiving her about your gender identity also makes her distrust you, that's strike two.
And of course, now you're no longer her strong reliable mate, you're flaky. Strike three.
Once the sexual attraction is gone, the romantic love can quickly follow. Once the romantic love is gone, she will want to get that again. And it probably won't be with you, the feminine guy.
Sure, some women will overlook the crossdressing. Most will not.
It's not their fault. We don't get to choose who turns us on, and who turns us off. Men who dress like women, generally are a sexual turn off for nearly all women. They don't choose that. They may still be your friend. But they won't fall in love with you.
And for all you rivit counters out there, these are generalizations. Sure, you will find a few exceptions to the rule, and look to this forum for all the women who are turned on by crossdressers to prove that I'm wrong. Remember just how many you find. Out of the billions of women on this planet who have a choice, as there are plenty of us who are terrific in many ways, but the crossdressing apparently cancels all of that out.

[Judy-Somthing]

And that's why we don't tell our girlfriends, because just about all will run for the hills.
Things were pretty good between my wife and I after 38 years and after joining this site and seeing so many others like me I felt I should tell her my secret.
As Sometime-miss said the "romantic love can quickly die". I'm hopping she realizes it's not that I've changed it's just that she know more of who I am.

[Rhonda Jean]

Judy,

Judging from my own experience... There's stuff going on in your head that your wife doesn't know about. You're doing things she doesn't know about. Pretty good chance she's keeping secrets, too. I'd bet she thinks you're dressing behind her back. I'd bet she thinks you're gay, bi, or leaning that way. I'll bet she thinks your planning to transition, or at least dreaming about it. She's probably afraid of what's coming and wondering how she'll deal with the embarrassment.

My wife and I did not talk about it. I didn't hide anything. I was open as hell about "doing", but I was completely closed off when it came to talking. Thus, her imagination went wild. And, since I wasn't talking, she found other people to talk to about it. Predictably, none of them were very understanding from my point of view. I was absolutely shocked when I found out (long after the divorce) how many people knew. There were a lot of things I was shocked about. In all fairness, a large part of my life was consumed by my girl side, and that large part did not include her. I made a ton of mistakes. A ton. I loved her. The divorce about killed me. I'll never get over some of the things she did, but on some level I kind of get it. Yes, I was the same person. That was the problem.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes Miss, Very well said, and sad but very true. Not 1 in a 1000 women would want a man who dresses as a woman. They are wired to want masculine men, to be their provider, protector, and father of their children. Like you said, everything may be very cool about us as men, EXCEPT, being feminine at times, and wearing womens clothing. A very lonesome road and life for us Cding bachelors.

[marlacd]

Let's not pretend that crossdressers alone are stigmatized.

All social deviation breeds contempt.

That says it all in a nutshell. People dislike different. Most can't grasp an alternate way of thinking. Heck, we can watch it happen just by tuning into the news. They can't just let it slide, and reap some benefits from different views. No, they want it all the same, and how dare you make me think. Too many want change, their way. That's what shot my marriage. Oh sure, my ex hated me dressing. It went farther than just that. I was supposed to find interest in what she wanted to do. If she got bored with an interest, then I should also. I was loosing my individuality. I believe that my dressing was a way to express that I wanted to be me.

In the end, I wasn't sorry that we went our separate directions.

[Wildaboutheels]

I think that it is a slam dunk, it would bother a SO. Most of them anyway.

As far as the general public?

NO. Nadda. Zilch. That has been my experience for 17 years now going out.

But in my case...

1) I am not trying to pass as a female.

2) I act and "present" normal and treat everyone with simple courtesy and respect. A very simple formula.

[Alice Torn]

As has been pointed out in other threads and posts years ago, it is considered a positive step up, for women to wear men's clothing and a step way down, for a man to wear womens clothing or be less masculine, in society, traditionally. Men showing femininity, or weakness has traditionally in the western societies, been looked down on, while women being more tough and manly, has been considered OK, or stepping up.

[Connie D50]

In my opinion, a woman in a relationship with a crisscrossed is forced into the dressers closet. Whether you are up front from the beginning or told her many years later you are pulling her involuntarily into whatever closet you are in. She now has to keep your secret, indulge in your fantasy\fetish\kink\etc. For those of you with accepting spouses, treat them right and hold them dear. Emotionally, you have shown and put them through a lot and they deserve everything they ask as a result. For those in a dadt relationship, so the same. For those in an accepting relationship, this is not what she signed on for and you should respect that. We may be feeling vulnerable and weird about coming out to our spouses or so's but put yourself in their shoes. What if she wanted to stay with you but wanted to dress, act, and even have sex as a man. Would you let her? Would you indulge her as well as keeping her secret? Would you be ashamed of afraid?
I am in a more tolerant relationship but I keep these questions in mind every time I think of dressing in front of my wife. Marriage is a two way street.

I agree 100% 41 years later she still tries so hard to accept me but 50% of the time I end up frustrated. Sometimes it take me a while to again think about her side of this relationship.