To blend or not to blend, that's the question

[Helen_Highwater]

In another post Nikki threw do the gauntlet to a few of us ( I'm speaking to you... Helen, Katrina, Teresa, Becky and others.) to do a "Best Practice" guide to blending while out. So here goes:

Time and place; if going out to a club then killer heels shouldn't be ruled out. Going shopping in the middle of the afternoon, no. Reason, look around next time you're out. A kitten heel here, a low wedge there, plenty of flats. Sure there will be the exception to this but if you want to blend then don't be that exception.

Staying with the theme, it's ok to wear a stylish, fashionable dress, skirt or blouse but that mimi skirt and plunging neckline, I think not. Again see what the GG's wear. Some will be right dress down in their appearance. I tend to copy those who like to go out shopping dressed "tidily". Knee length hems and possibly a modest amount of cleavage for the neck line. I think stylish not garish.

Makeup; this is the tricky one. Many of us require a certain amount to help disguise our male features, eyebrows spring to mind, lips another. So my tip here is go see a pro. Even if it's as I did, getting your foundation matched to your skin tone, which will lead to having the right blusher, highlighter etc so that you don't end up with a clown face! is well worth the time. It seems a scary thing to do. In reality it's not. Also remember, GG's aren't born with makeup skills. It's learned through practice and then more practice. Looking back prior to having my foundation matched l'd used one too light for my natural colouration so it probably gave me a bit of a china doll look. We live and learn.

Invest in hip pads and a corset! Plus a half decent wig. Nuff said.

Now this is the really really hard one. CONFIDENCE. This should come with time. For me I was at a point of growing confidence and walked up to pay an SA. As I got to the counter I had that moment, the I know I'll get read. Who gives a ***** moment. From thereon in I now just go about my business, treat everyone I meet exactly as I would if in drab. You being confident elicits a better response from those you engage with.

I'll finish here with one final point and this is the biggie. FORGET PASSING. So very few will ever 100% pass without hormones and GRS and even then there will still be tells. Passing isn't a prerequisite for being able to get out there as I and others will testify.

Over to the rest of you. You know who you are.

[Diane Taylor]

Very well said, Helen. Good advice for all.

[Sami Brown]

I think the confidence part is where I still have my struggles. I'm able to go out confidently while out in the crowd as long as I am minding my own business. My problem is the one-to-one interactions.

So I very much appreciate Helen's advice, and hope others will contribute what they do as far as appearance, etc., for blending. I am also encouraging those who share also to add their tips on how to blend behaviorly. This includes any aspects, including how they get over the hump with one-to-one interactions.

I think that if both the appearance and the behavior parts of blending are addressed, this post would be most helpful, perhaps worthy of the coveted sticky post at the top of the page.

Sami

p.s. For the record, I have tried all of Helen's dressing hints for blending. They do work! I think the most important is to think about what other women will be wearing, then go slightly more dressy than the average. Be a little less sloppy and a little more polished than the average woman.

[Stacy Darling]

The confusion here for me is the fact that blending is being confused with imitation!

I do wonder at times if blending is actually presenting as ones true self!

I say this as a Gender blender!
Stacy!

[Lydianne]

@Stacy: I understand the purpose of blending. I think it's good for starting out, or for safety when there might be heightened risk. But for me, if I'm going to, say, a highly populated area in the middle of the day, I prefer to own my dressing and wear exactly what I want. It's a lot more fun! .

- Lydianne.

[Stacy Darling]

So! we blend!

I ADORE you but can't come to the same party!

Stacy!

[Lydianne]

I think blending is fine, but there is another way.

I'm not all there, but it's the route I prefer to go and I've started in that direction.

If you look at someone like Kandi.. She is one of the most successful members in this community in terms of going out. A lot of what she wears is not blend dressing. It's bright, colourful and fun. . . and she has never had a negative reaction. She goes the "owning it" route, which I think is more robust than blending in terms of least getting your confidence shaken.

So I think there is another way.

- Lydianne.

[DMichele]

Helen,
Good post. My presentation is a work-in-progress; and yes, I do need to see a make-up artist for basics. I know I will never pass; however, I enjoy trips to the mall, salons and elsewhere as my true self. I do get looks and knowing smiles, which I have become accustomed to. Also, I strive to be personable and keep things lite in conversations.

[NancySue]

Helen is “right on”. I do not want to be caught, recognized, read...period. It would be a social disaster in our conservative town. So, when I go out, my total goal is to blend in...which usually means..no heels, no hose (sad), very little, if any makeup, earrings, and no skirts or dresses. They’re just not seen. So, as the philosopher said, “When in Rome...do as the Romans do”....and look like them. My wife agrees.

[Helen_Highwater]

Lydianne, Stacy,

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that in order to blend you need to wear cammo gear, wrap yourself in dull drab colours. I agree with what you say about Kandi because she dresses as a confident, well presented woman. Any GG who dressed the same wouldn't look out of place in the same situations and that's the secret. If I had to sum Kandi up in one word then that would be elegant. Kandi ticks all the boxes, hem length not too short accompanied by a degree of modesty in necklines. Foot wear, not too high but enough to show off her legs and complement the over all look.

This to me is a wonderful example of blending. And that's the point of the post. We all eventually walk out own line but for pretty much everyone who wants to take those early steps into the wide world, finding a way of being comfortable in amongst the muggles often requires others to point the way. To offer appropriate encouragement and to advise on what works for the greatest number.

If you have the self belief, the courage to step out that door in a pink and lime green polka dot mini dress, a full beard and 5" heels then all power to you. That however isn't the case for for most of us and I include myself in that.

My intention in posting was to gather as much sage advice, the simple do's and don'ts that will lead to someone finding their way out the door and into a more fulfilling time while enfemme.

So in that spirit I'll add one other thing I've found worked for me. Many are afraid of being "outted" in their local community and the advice given is travel. This can mean you end up somewhere you're unfamiliar with. This was the case on my first time at the social group in Manchester. So before hand I went on Google maps, street view and got to know the area. How to get from the car park to the venue etc. so when I actually got there it all looked somewhat familiar and it added to my confidence in walking through what would have been otherwise strange streets. It turned out to be just a great evening.

[Beverley Sims]

I agree, forget passing and wind the confidence level up to hogh.

I don't think anything beats confidence and a little blending certainly goes a long way.

Get talking and interacting with others to raise that C.L.

Yup! dat's confidence level for those that are acronym mad. :-)

[Lydianne]

Greetings, Helen!


Many thanks for the reply!

In #5, I conceded high risk. I also conceded starting out. You were also clear in the OP that stylish dresses were OK; so no extremes crossed my mind. My thoughts were stylish & fashionable but obviously, by definition, tempered to keep within the context of an everyday crowd.


I'm actually surprised ( pleasantly ) that all of the stuff Kandi wears is considered blending . It's definitely all smart, appropriate, and confident, but some of it would stand out in an everyday crowd, which seems contrary to what blending is supposed to do.


Therefore, I suggested that there is an alternative approach to blending, which is what I started doing, i.e. the lime green example, which I actually haven't attempted yet , but it would require building up different personal attributes than what is needed for blending.


Blending is fine. It's just that there is an alternative .

- Lydianne.

[Aunt Kelly]

Great stuff, Helen. I've given similar advice often, about blending and confidence. Which brings me to Lydianne's similarly good advice about "owning it". It's at that point of interaction, where our voice, if nothing else, will undo all the "blending". It's there that the confidence makes all the difference in the world. If you comport yourself as the lady you are presenting, and smile, virtually everyone will treat you accordingly. Those that don't will stand out for their boorishness, in whatever the setting, way more than you. On the other hand, if you present with a grim or nervous countenance, people will naturally be on their guard, asking themselves, "What is wrong with this person?"
It's as simple as that. Really.

[Stephanie47]

Any recommendation on how to conceal about six inches of my height? Six foot puts me where the air is thinner> If I lost six inches and still retained my weight (200 Lbs or 14 stones) I'd transform into a plus size woman. That would allow me to blend. I think. My recommendation if one does not have hip and a corset is to wear a dress that is not form fitting or have a defined waist. I find an empire waist dress helps.

[Tracii G]

This exercise if futile because no one can ever agree on anything.
Go out dressed however you wish.

[CynthiaD]

The biggest mistake you can make is to assume that you must achieve some level of "perfection" before going out. This can put you into an endless cycle of "No I'm not perfect enough." Going out and being accepted in public is a skill. Like every skill it must be practiced. So go out!

You will make mistakes in wardrobe, behavior, makeup or lack thereof, and innumerable other smaller things. Perfecting a skill is a process of eliminating mistakes. Go out! Make your mistakes and learn from them. Eliminate or minimize them as best you can. Keep going out!

The most important aspect is self-confidence. Even if you know you look like a gorilla in a dress, hold your head up. Walk with confidence. Talk with other people. Act like what you are doing is perfectly normal. (Actually, it is perfectly normal.) The difference between a great outing and a not-so-great one is confidence. Maintain your confidence and your outing will be great fun.

[Sarah Louise]

Some very good advice here. I agree that self-confidence is very important, but for many of us blending-in helps with this.

One thing I would add when choosing an outfit is take a picture of yourself wearing it from behind.

I've found that so many of my outfits that look very 'blendy' from the front paint a completely different picture from behind. For me, dresses and skirts that are shorter than knee length seem to highlight my small hip to shoulder ratio, particularly in heels (even with hip padding). Knee-length works better and adding a cardigan or jacket works well to disguise the male shape.

Also on the dressing for your location theme, smart and more feminine attire works better on weekdays when you can try and blend in with the office workers.

[Kandi Robbins]

Hey, what did I do??

The truth of the matter is we all make our own reality. There are a million little things that allow us to pass through our lives, regardless of our attire. Confidence being the most valuable asset one can possess, whether that is in regard to our profession or me out in public in a colorful sundress. I pass 0% of the time.

Thank you for the kind words!

[docrobbysherry]

I have no interest in dressing to blend. And, have no interest in going to Walmart or Dennys for lunch dressed!

Hmmm. I wonder if these 2 r related somehow?

[Helen_Highwater]

Any recommendation on how to conceal about six inches of my height? Six foot puts me where the air is thinner> If I lost six inches and still retained my weight (200 Lbs or 14 stones) I'd transform into a plus size woman. That would allow me to blend. I think.

Stephanie,

I'm about 5'10" and roughly the same weight as you. While I usually go out in flats during the day it's not unknown for me to wear 2 1/2" heels while out shopping. As far as I can tell it doesn't alter my ability to move through a crowd in relative anonymity. Yes being shorter helps but look around. These days there are lots of tall GG's who are not thin as sticks but shall we say more substantially built? There are a good few here who are as tall as you that still successfully go out. I would like to be 30 Lbs lighter as I think that would aid my over all look but until I do, I'll still be going out.

[Teresa]

Helen,
Sorry I've just replied to Nikki in her other thread but contradicted you on the issue of lower padding . Maybe it's for Nikki to decide when she's decided on dress syles and see how much or little she needs . I know some would look at me and say I need a larger rearend but I'm comfortable with my figure and that's all that matters , BEING COMFORTABLE ! and yes CONFIDENT !

The rest I totally agree with the rest of your advice epecially the hang up about passing , as I 've said elsewhere , if you don't look for a reaction very often you won't get one , OK a person may pass you and have a second thought but if you don't continually look over you shoulder they will just carry on walking with reacting .

To take up the point about bright colours , I find neat plain cotton skirts are brought to life by a colourful Tshirt and a touch of jewellery , I've bought a selection of plain colours from Matalan , they are inexpensive , I never thought I would wear pink or bright yellow but they do work if they are the only splash of colour .

Cynthia,
I agree , Pat told me not to overthink it , I must admit the hair /wig did give me the extra boost . Dressing down is harder to do for a CDer almost a contradiction but for the majority it has to happen .

[DanaR]

I remember one of my first times out. I had gone into Seattle to buy some new breast forms. I had talked to the store owner and she had me come to the store before it opened, more for my comfort than anything else. We visited for awhile after and then several customers came into the store. So I browsed a little and was a little scared to leave as there was a lot more traffic on the sidewalks outside. I had to park about a block away and walk to the shop. The store owner and I were talking and I shared my concern with her, she told me to do what her mom always told her to do; which was, shoulders back, boobs out, head up and just go. But confidence usually comes over time.

[ToniG]

"Blending" to match the GGs in your area, and the venues/locations--- is still the best--- at least for me anyway. Helps with the confidence. Since my area is filled with Silver haired Grandmas--- my wardrobe choices go in that direction. LikeHelen said--- look at the GGs around you. Since athleisure/casual wear seems to be prevalent now- consider how to blend with those. Tho the short bodycon party dress with pantyhose & stilettos Feel Great--- 99% of GGs never dress like that outside of clubs & bars! It IS possible to be out-and-about and not be noticed or harassed-- as have done it myself. Several times. So just "Dress appropriately" for the area/venue/time of day--- stylish/not garish"--- you may find that most ppl are so engrossed in their phones that they aren't paying any attn to you, or anything else. Toni G..

[Sarah Doepner]

I never thought I could be mistaken for a woman by anyone who paid attention. So step one was creating an image that wouldn't attract unwanted attention. That pretty much follows along with Helen's guide. My goal isn't to convince anyone else I'm a woman, but only to explore how I feel about it and experience the world from that perspective. Again, it's best done by not challenging others to accept me for something I'm not, but asking them to appreciate the effort I make to approach femininity from a realistic and respectful perspective.

[Mickitv]

Very nice suggestions I follow the same path Don't like to stand out