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Thread: Sometimes Crossdressing Weights Too Much

  1. #26
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Patricia, You can certainly try to lock Patricia away but I feel very certain in the long run it will not work. I tried very hard to suppress this side of me for way too long but it did not work. I know for sure I am not the only member here to try and do that. I guess it could make life easier but too bad on that. We all need to eventually just accept that we are at the very least cross dressers. Once you accept that your life will be happier. I cannot ever imagine this side of me going away.
    Life is full of compromises and finding the level of what we enjoy and what both of you can accept will be the difficult part.
    I wish both of you good luck finding happiness.
    Crissy

  2. #27
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    Stop playing the victim and do the right thing for your marriage.
    Its not "all about you" you two are a couple.
    Reverse the roles and tell me how would you feel if your wife wanted to be more like a guy?
    Your suggestion implies that you believe that there is a choice here. There is, but it's not without consequences. First of all, most of us simply can not "choose" to no longer by TG. This forum is littered with the tragic stories of those who believed otherwise. To suggest that it is possible to change something like this is folly.
    Now, it is possible to change behavior, for a time. The length of that time is highly variable, but again, most of us will not be able to keep up the pretense indefinitely. While we do keep it up, there is a price to pay. The stress of suppressing our nature, and the guilt when we fall off the masculinity wagon, all take their toll.

    If the roles were reversed? I love my wife, and can honestly say that I would do everything in my power to understand and support her in dealing with something that she did not choose but must still find a way to live with. That's the promise we make when taking a spouse. By the same token, I have the right to honesty and communication. No partner can deal effectively with something like that without communication, much less when the thing is hidden and denied.

    Again, I'll point out the string of relationship train-wrecks recounted here. Honesty doesn't always result in a happy ending, but every one of the happy endings involves a couple who communicate honestly and openly.

  3. #28
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    So Kelly you are suggesting to not be honest?
    By the way I am TG and out.

  4. #29
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    Hello Girls, let me give you some more information.

    I am unemployed at the moment due to brazilian economic crisis. I am working as a realtor, but this is not what I would like to do at this time, but it is paying the bills. This is making me sad too, so it is one more ingredient to the emotional sauce.

    I have never had the chance to fully dress, and this is also causes a little bit of sadness in me. If I buy some shoes, there is that disapproval look. If it is clothes, the look is even worse. It is not an angry look, it is a sad look, like I am not the person she married with. This sadness is the same for anything girly. The point here is that I know that my crossdressing is what brings her that sadness.

    That´s where I am now and that´s why I am thinking about all of this.

    Thanks for all you answers.

    Patricia

  5. #30
    Member Shayla's Avatar
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    Hi Patricia,

    I understand your situation, my wife feels the same as yours. We are currently separated but I understand your wanting to make the marriage great for her. I can say from experience that the need to dress may go away for periods of time and you are capable of pushing the desire away, but it never truly goes away for very long and what will you be like as a person and a husband if you are constantly fighting your needs? Even one or two visits to a trained gender counselor where you are both honest and open could do enough to give you some breathing space to take care of your needs without causing your wife to be afraid of it.

  6. #31
    Member rian's Avatar
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    My advise is to keep your crossdressing or else you will be very unstable and sad / try to convince your wife that being happy is two way street ...to both of you ....try to tell her to keep your identity to yourself ,,to me I reached a blockage when my wife knew about my crossdressing yet it took me two years to convince her that this make me happy yet we agreed to keep every thing but not to dress infront of her ...now Im enjoying my crossdressing so much in my privacy ....
    Cross-dressing is a cross between woman's soul and man's heart.....

  7. #32
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    In my experience it is not crossdressing that weighs too much, it is the pain of not sharing that weighs too much.

    My wife, and many wives, express the same range from anger to the underlying pain and sadness of loss. None of us wants that for them. Yet we are also in intense pain and loss.

    The marriage vow is to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, so we have to keep asking for that. I am making another run today to state the simple facts and try to build bridges to her own understanding of herself, her own sense of privilege {she said she is the only one who gets to wear a nightgown!}- a lot of the resistance is from dreams about Prince Charming that wives don't want to give up- but the reality is that people are more complex than we are taught in these dreams. Women and men grow up with the idea that if they play their role they will get certain things in return, and so they understandably feel cheated if the person they marry doesn't play by those rules. Adulterers are an example, or people who marry for money.

    But in our case, it turns out we are not cheating, we are simply wired differently and we don't understand it or even know th extent of it. That makes it more like a sickness, with respect to the marriage vow, in the sense of it being out of our control. Which to me falls squarely in the 'we have to deal with it together' category!

    The reverse example might be that your wife had to have a hysterectomy and double mastectomy and then lost all her hair, on the day after your wedding. Would she expect you to be angry and sad about your loss, and withdraw from her? Did you marry her female image, or her?
    We are all beautiful...!

  8. #33
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    From Phili
    The reverse example might be that your wife had to have a hysterectomy and double mastectomy and then lost all her hair, on the day after your wedding. Would she expect you to be angry and sad about your loss, and withdraw from her? Did you marry her female image, or her?
    I understand what point you are trying to make but this is kind of an unfair comparison. The scenario you outlined is not a choice (I know, you claim CDing is not a choice) but usually due to cancer or a disease. Typically if someone is getting married, the partner would know before the wedding that "the day after the wedding" that these outcomes are a possibility. It would be wrong of the woman to withhold a potential life changing diagnosis from her future husband.

    As people age, their looks will change and that is all to be expected. Illness, injuries, and disease, though not always expected, is a distinct possibility.

    In my opinion, being "wired differently" should be disclosed before marriage. Everyone should be allowed to enter into a contract with all the information available.
    Last edited by char GG; 09-07-2018 at 12:15 PM.

  9. #34
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    Much as I might wish it were otherwise, I find I have to agree with the full disclosure before marriage as the ideal condition. Even full disclosure of curiosity or uncertainties. I’ll acknowledge from personal experience that it’s incredibly difficult for a young adult...or even a mature and experienced adult to know what merits disclosure. It’s even more difficult to predict changes in such interests or desires into the future.

    I did make an effort at disclosure, and made predictions of future interest based on my understanding at the time. Maybe my self awareness was inadequate or I was practicing self deceit. Maybe I discovered interests over the course of time that altered my perception of self. Maybe I suffered/suffer from some sort of disorder that influenced my behavior. And maybe the cumulative effects of my changes, behaviors and the comparable factors altered and irreparably damaged the chemistry of the relationship. Regardless, I cannot begrudge my ex for no longer finding me a satisfactory partner. Of course I wished it were otherwise, but then, I also wish for world peace
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  10. #35
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Hi Patricia, I have no advice for you, beyond what others have already said. All I can say is that you have many, many people here who care about you. Please keep writing and reading here, and take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

    Hugs, Nikki
    I used to have a short attention spa

  11. #36
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    Hello Girls,

    I agree that I should have told my wife before the wedding, but let´s say that I didn´t have all the information at the time as I have now. Or, I was not wise as I am now (as little as my "wiseness" is). That ship has sailed. This is my situation at the moment. I regret some of my old decisions but they were the best I could take with the information I had at the time.

    Would I do a lot of things different? Of course I would! But the past is the past and the present is where I am, struggling with the consequences of my decisions.

    kisses

    Patricia

  12. #37
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    Patricia,
    Show me someone who doesn't have regrets in their lives , as I've said before we assume our partners are totally honest with us before we marry ? I'm sorry to say this but they aren't !

  13. #38
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    We ALL have been there, all have had the same feelings. You are just another of us fighting with all of this (not meant to slight you, but to illustrate it's not just you).

    I wish I had sage advice, our personal circumstances dictate so much in our lives. But I can assure you of one thing based on your post, treasure your wife and seek other outlets. But remember, it's NOT your fault. Yes, it is you, but we were generally born this way. It is impossible to deny these feelings, the trick is how we are able to manage them. I know this is little solace, but the fact that you acknowledge the existence of the feelings (many, like myself, denied them, further worsening the situation), may help you seek a solution.

    Best of luck!
    Visit Kandi's Land (http://www.kandis-land.com/) daily! Nothing but positive and uplifting posts!
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  14. #39
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Patricia,
    Show me someone who doesn't have regrets in their lives , as I've said before we assume our partners are totally honest with us before we marry ? I'm sorry to say this but they aren't !
    Your honour I object, the witness is just generalising. I have no regrets in life and both myself and my wife were totally honest with each other before our marraige and have been ever since. The witness should not apply their own failings to the population as a whole as if it were fact.
    Objection sustained.

    Joking aside, has it ever occurred to you that some people are honest and have no secrets?

  15. #40
    Oh to be an English Rose Jane G's Avatar
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    Just be who you are, if you can? That way leads to a long a happy life.

  16. #41
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    Hello girls,

    Thank you for for all the answers and insights. And, don´t take me wrong but I already tried all the approaches.

    I tried to be honest telling her about my crossdressing (my only mistake, maybe, was doing it after we were married). I tried to be myself but I didn´t help either. None of these have worked for me, despite the love we feel for each other. I believe my mistake was to believe the love would change a person to the point of accept the crossdressing. How naive I was.

    That is why I wrote this thread, because I have no other idea on how to address this anymore. My only idea is to take a step back and lock Patricia and see how it goes. If I can´t hold her locked, then let´s see what can be done, but at least I hope to breathe a little and bring a little bit of happiness to my life, instead of only sadness.

    That´s how I feel right now..

    Kisses

    Patricia

  17. #42
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Patricia,
    I am, and I suspect many of us are, in exactly the same situation, trying all the logical approaches and failing. Locking away our femininity simply does not work, as we know from everything in our lives.

    I am an idealist, and an optimist, and I simply refuse to give up. The paralysis is exhausting, but I learned a long time ago that there is always another thing to try, and that all of us are changing through time inescapably.

    Yesterday I took a walk with my wife, and I explained the facts about me, the certainties, the uncertainties, the dreams, the fears. I acknowledged right up front that on the face of it, a man wearing clothes made for women seems odd, unnecessary, distorted, etc. That to a degree the world was supposed to simply be an equal division of
    pleasures and powers between men and women. As it turned out, she misheard me. She was elated I was giving up crossdressing because I said that clothing was theoretically not necessary, completely missing the rest of the sentence saying " but,it is necessary for me." And I simply identify with women more than men. Can that be changed? I don't know. In the near term crossdressing is what works to feel good about myself. "

    After her angry withdrawal because I crossdressed again, I came back to say, let me tell you again the facts about me. I did not give them up or go into codependence with her demand for me not to be who I am so she can be more comfortable. We debated briefly whether loving someone leads to wanting the best for them, and to understanding life from their point of view. She said she was perfectly fine loving me but not my behavior, citing a 2 year old hitting their sibling, or a murderer. I said crossdressing is not a behavior that hurts others, unless she meant hurts by being embarrassing to others, at which point she could admit finally that her concern was being seen with someone who looked so out of line. What would happen to her social status? She said she couldn't defend me. I said she could simply answer "Why not?" and leave the answer to the critics.

    Then she said she hated being the kind of person who was so selfish that she was insisting on having her way at my expense.

    I count that progress. She can clearly see that she is doing what she would not want me to do. She is torn between fear for herself and the desire to be a good person. She excused herself citing our counselor's description of the unthinking reptilian brain which intervenes and blows all logic out the window when aroused.

    I said, this is exactly the kind of feelings that racists have- they are afraid, they want to keep away from or destroy the imaginary people they are afraid of. But we know it all dissolves when that feared person comes and ministers to you when you are injured.

    This morning I said I needed to enjoy my dressing and would not sit in bed and read with her since it upset her. I am not giving up or going away. I said, I love you and am never leaving you. If you don't love me you really should leave me. She said I do love you.

    The main myth that is now dead is that she as the woman is somehow primary and my job as the man is to work around her wishes. Neither of us should try to control each other's lives to suit our preferences. We are equal partners in this journey, and we have to paddle the canoe in sync.
    Last edited by phili; 09-09-2018 at 08:23 AM.
    We are all beautiful...!

  18. #43
    Luv doing girl stuff CherylFlint's Avatar
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    Been there; done that.
    Purged and regretted it for evermore.
    The lesson here is don't fight it: it's who and what you are.
    The way I think about it is maybe my "X" and "Y" chromosomes didn'y line-up the way others do, so what?
    I feel good wearing a slip.
    I say go for it, it'll be the most fun you've ever had.
    I dress to relax, and I say you should too.
    Good luck. Look, we've all been down that road; it's no big deal. There's nothing "wrong" with being
    a CD. Have fun, Patricia, after all, it's what it's all about.

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