Struggles

[Lacey86]

I have dressed my whole life to whatever extent I found possible. Things have changed a lot in the past few years.
My wife knew about my other side long before we got married. She has gone back and forth between being supportive, being tolerant, and not wanting anything to do with my dressing.
Last year we separated for 5 or 6 months and were not sure we wanted to stay together. There were several issues we had to work out. She was at that point less than supportive of the dressing and wanted to leave for multiple reasons. Therapy both as a couple and individually has helped.
Long story short things have been rocky for a few years but have been improving this year.
I stopped dressing last year during the separation. I think she's happier when I don't.
In the recent months I've had the same old desire to dress but have not because i finally am making headway in our relationship. My kids are both doing better than they were through the separation as well. I do not want to throw out all the progress we have made and I am finding ways to feel cute without clothes.
I have done a better job of moisturizing and keeping my hair trimmed and stylish... trying to keep my nails trimmed and neat etc. Little things help but the desire is still there.

About a week ago my wife made a comment to the effect of.... "you could wear panties... I would be ok with those they didn't bother me, but would that just make you want more? "

I honestly don't know if I'm ready to trust her with that side of me again. When we separated she was quite adamant that I was to blame and frequently complained about my dressing among other things.
I don't think I can just ignore that side of me for the rest of my life either....
I'm sort of stuck at the moment... or at least it feels that way.
Have any of you dealt with stopping your dressing or reducing it for a spouse?
Anyone with your own experiences I would greatly appreciate knowing that I'm not alone in wondering if I can go on not dressing or be happy with much less...
Thanks for reading.

[Asew]

I absolutely feel for you. This is a difficult situation and there is no single right answer. Many of us compromise to stay in a relationship and some of us can't compromise enough to make them happy.

Since she has know about it all along, it almost sounds like there are other issue at play and it just easier to blame the dressing. But I don't know the details so maybe I am off.

[Lisa Roberts]

Not much different from my world. All I can say is I’m with you and hang in there. Some days are better than others.
Lace and Smiles,
Lisa

[Darla L]

Thanks for posting, Lacey. Sometimes I think a lot of the negative things we think are in our own head, yet I battle it, also. My wife has always been supportive of ME, but sometimes I wonder how supportive of Darla she really is. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fully dress often, and on those rare occasions, she is willing to help with makeup, and seems to take genuine pride in her workmanship. She bought a set of brushes for me, and concealer for me. She has helped me learn how to use them, but in my heart I know that she wants to see me as a man and husband way more than as her girlfriend. That said, I wear panties 90% of the time, and she never bats an eye unless I have borrowed one of her pair and left an unsightly skid mark! (Don’t do that.) So, what I’m saying is, take the little she is offering, don’t push the envelope, and maybe once in a very long while confide in her that you would like to get fully dressed for one evening. Maybe make it a date night of a different kind. Let her help you with the dressing and makeup and everything. Then don’t ask again for a very long time (with plenty of HER time in between.) One little thing I do is keep a lipstick and some ear rings in my truck. After work, I will put them on in drab, but it helps satisfy the yearning. I ride home, and just before I get there I remove everything.

Like I alluded to, my wife has always been supportive, but I never want to be in her face about it. The whiskey is helping me ramble, so I’ll just ask, “Do you catch my drift?”

[Kelly DeWinter]

I guess you have to start asking yourself the BIG questions.
. Is your dressing just a relief valve for stress ?
. Is it part of an addiction cycle ?
. Trust is a two way street. Are you willing to make promises you know you won't be able to keep ?
. If the therapy was working, Whats changed ?
. Is how you feel about gender identity ?
. What are you willing to do to keep your family together ?
. What are you willing to give up for the same ?

Relying on someone elses experience can lead to false expectations and worse bad decisions.

That being said . My first marriage disintegrated over many issues, looking back I would have preferred that it had been over dressing. My ex and I never seemed to be on the same page on anything. I don't fault her, but I made the mistake of taking on to much blame and responsibility for the actions of others. I learned a hard lesson that if you try live under the expectations of others , you loose your self.

Years later I was fortunate enough to find Jeannie , my wife, and it's been a complete opposite , we compliment each other, and and don't hold each other to unreasonable expectation. We talk ,communicate and accept that we live for today and not for the past.

I hope you find some help in this.

[Crissy 107]

Lacey, I am also in a supportive/tolerant situation with my wife. I would say to take your wife’s offer to let you wear panties and make sure to let her know you appreciate it. It is a small start and you can hopefully increase things as time goes by. I know you would like more but now may not be the time. Slow steps are the way to go. Good luck, Crissy

[Tracii G]

You said she made a comment "to the effect of maybe you could wear panties"?
OK maybe you took it that way but did she actually mean it that way? Did she actually say the words "maybe you could wear panties"?
Men and women are vastly different. men say what they mean. Women say one thing and mean something totally different and men take what they say literally and think they have a green light to do whatever the thing in question is.
Be careful is all I'm saying because I have to wonder why did she say that at all?
Could it be she wants to catch you then use that against you because your dressing has been a bone of contention in the past?
Women are devious and don't take a pee without a plan.

[Lacey86]

I appreciate the feedback. I have had to ask myself some of those big questions you mentioned. I do think I can go without fully dressing and my family means everything to me. I'd do anything to keep us together. I don't feel like it's an addiction since i can go without.
(I never thought that was possible but I'm going on a year now.)
I guess there drive will always be there but I was taken aback by her mentioning panties and it got me thinking and wondering if I could find a balance.
Previously i would wear panties every day and it progressed to time dressing in underwear, skirts, tops, makeup... everything but never went outside the house.
I guess I'm just glad we have made so much progress and I'm glad she was even willing to discuss the subject and it didn't end with a fight, hurt feelings, or accusations. I'm scared that if I go back to even a little of my alter ego she may mess up all the progress.
We're in a better place than we've been in years and I don't want to lose it.
Panties got brought up and i both wanted to indulge but got scared to be vulnerable with that side of myself...
I don't know what to do but I'm glad the forums exist so i can hear your voices, not feel alone in this situation, and i guess better organize my thoughts.
Thanks again for reading.

[phili]

Lacey,
Truthful communication that is fully truthful- i.e. detailed and intimate about ourselves and not a criticism, is very powerful relationship medicine. And every problem statement contains its solution, so your doubt about her sincerity can be addressed directly and kindly, with a simple I statement. "I really would like to wear panties, since it seems like a good way to address some of my basic needs, and is invisible to everyone. I am feeling a little lost internally. I really love that you are offering. Are you confident you that you won't be bothered? Can we experiment and see how you feel, and how satisfying it is?" etc.

I did something like this with my wife and it helped, in that she was able to admit she didn't want to be the person she is being, with a winner take all approach trying to get me to stop dressing forever so she can be happy at my expense. That is the beginning of change, I suspect.

[docrobbysherry]

Lacey, u obviously have other issues you're dealing with. Apparently you've made progress and compromises that r helping. I think u r going in the rite direction by solving the bigger issues first. And not adding your dressing to the mix!

However, if this continues, hopefully you'll get to a point where u'll feel comfortable openly discussing your feelings and needs as Phili suggested? Because communication IS the key to successful marriages!

[Stephanie47]

The clothes are just a manifestation of the issue of uncertainty about sexuality issues. My wife wears the most boring cotton plain panties by Hanes. My favorite panties are Vanity Fair style 15712 which is a plain nylon panty. She only has white panties. I have white and as many colors as possible. If I were to buy the same white Hanes panties as she wears, she would question "What the heck is going on with my husband?" She would realize there is some psychological twitch going on within me that I cannot readily explain to her. "Egad! Yikes! Hubby gets hit by a car and the nurse in the ER see hubby has on a panty that does not have a fly for his penis." The world is coming to an end.

All kidding aside, perhaps you need to sit down and have a calm discussion as to what she meant. It reads as if she is wanting to give you the go ahead, BUT, will there be a downward spiral neither you nor she can control? Your wife probably recalls a deeper interest you may have had which she could not handle. Now, here we go again!

She should be rightly concerned whether you will want more than she can handle. I'd also be concern whether you can really restrict yourself to a life of not wearing any feminine attire and you will finally give in. I also believe no woman who has had issues with her husband's cross dressing forgets. It will always be in the back of her mind.

If she does feel she can handle you wearing women's panties, let her buy the ones she would be most comfortable knowing you are wearing. Don't be disappointed if you end up with a plain white cotton panty.

[DaisyLawrence]

I'm with Kelly on this one. Your personal situation with your wife and your need to dress IS unique so any experience based advise from members here should be treated with great caution. It all boils down to why you dress (and how much you need it) on the one hand and how much you need your marraige to survive on the other. Sorry but only you have the answers. My advise, if you did not have this interest/need, would you want this marraige to survive? If so, you should at least try to save it anyway even if that means trying to stop crossdressing. You owe it to yourself to at least try, if it turns out you can't stop then you can cross that bridge when it becomes necessary.

[AngelaYVR]

What type of dressing do you engage in? Because that can play a huge role in how easy it is to accept.

[Lacey New]

I’ve been in the closet to my spouse since we were married. I tried a few times to suggest that I would like wearing panties but she was immediately turned off by the idea and since, I have decided that the rift is not worth it. So, my dressing is quite limited to times when she or I are away. I have managed to keep a stash well hidden and have purged a number of times. Yes, it is frustrating and probably in the opinion of some others here, dishonest. But it is the compromise I have made. By all means, I would not tell you how to handle your situation- only you can judge that. Just saying how I have handled mine.

[kimdl93]

Your kids are doing better. The relationship with your wife seems markedly improved. Those are really big possessions. This is not a time to put at risk what has been gained. You probably know the answer to her question....wearing panties is likely to trigger desire for more.

Don’t do it. Give your relationship time to fully mend. Be honest in saying you wish you could do more, and equally honest in saying you value her and your family far more.

[alwayshave]

Lacey, I'm sorry for your troubles. I hid my dressing from my ex-wife because she was manipulative and I knew she would use it as leverage. Our divorce was unrelated to my dressing. Before I moved in with my now wife, I told her that I dressed and would continue to dress and If she wanted to bail, now was the time and I would understand. We have been together for 12 years and she is accepting.

[GretchenM]

I'm with Phili on this one. I am a believer in her approach and see this as an opportunity for you and your wife to explore this area of your life that affects your family life in ways that I don't think you two have a handle on yet. Her feelings are up and down and, in a different way, yours are too. Seems to me to be a fine time to come to an understanding. And the panties have opened the door to greater exploration of the whole dressing and gender issue. You have been to therapy individually and as a couple and I assume you learned better communication skills there. Now is the time to apply them. But they need to be applied with a great deal of empathy on both sides. If you each find the compromise that suits the other and then agree to setting those boundaries it may open the door to a deeper understanding of each other and an allowance of your fulfilling your needs a bit more comfortably.

[NancySue]

Yes, you’re on the horns of a dilemma for which there may be no black and white solution...only compromise. I say this, knowing one thing....the Pink Fog is always with us. It ebbs and flows, but you can bet the farm, it will always return...days, weeks, months, and years. While our need to dress, is hard to understand “why”, who knows, but hopefully she will try to accept what, in most cases, can’t be eliminated. Neither my wife or I understand my needs. Heaven knows we’ve read, researched, talked about, both dressed and not. She/we decided to encompass my dressing into our relationship and it’s worked. She now enjoys it and is supportive. Best to you as you move forward.

[Lindajane]

I have been faced with this situation in different degrees with different women. The value of my personnel relationships has always crushed my need to dress. Though my desire to dress comes from a deep place within me, it will never give me real love.

[Janice An]

Tuff choices to make. Good luck.

[CherylFlint]

The absolute truth is my wife likes me more when I'm dressed.
Another thing I've noticed is that she's more relaxed, I supposed I'm more relaxed while dressed,
which is the whole point of it in the first place.
I dress to relax. I don't really have to do anything or go anywhere, it's just who (and what)
I am.
It's fine with me as long as it's fine with the wife and it's fine with her.

[Jenny22]

Lacey, you've been given a lot of sound advice. Consider all carefully and in each case, when appropriate ask yourself, "what if ....." You may not like your answer, but you will have given it serious thought. And, might I suggest that when your wife does even the simplest thing unexpectedly for you, you hug her and give her a thank you kiss.

[Shayla]

Hi Lacey. How much have you both opened up about your dressing in couple's therapy? I found that I had no real idea what my wife was thinking until we discussed it with the therapist because she (well, both of us) would hold back the complete truth until we were pushed to fully open up and our statements challenged a bit by the therapist. It sounds like you have not had that totally honest conversation with her yet where neither of you can get away with being vague. You both need to know where there is space for compromise in your marriage. The possibility is you can just stop dressing. But at what cost? Perhaps your dressing is mild enough that you can just let it go with only a little regret. For me, when the urge has passed (typically 95% of the time) it is easy to say I can give it up. But then it hits again and being unable to dress causes stress, resentment and a lack of concentration with the rest of my life as I obsess about wanting to dress. You can chase it away but it seems it will always come back.

[Lacey86]

I think we have had several discussions about the dressing where we have both been honest about it. One of our problems has been that she has been indulgent in the past but later said she was not as happy with it as she had let on. She did things to support me and later resented me for it.
I'm afraid that if she's saying yes right now I will find out later it was not sincere but done out of a feeling of obligation.
I suppose that fear is keeping me from trusting her.
I've put on a little weight this last 8 months or so and I'm feeling insecure about it. I think this is a big reason my desire to dress is spiking. I want to feel cute and self confident and dressing is an easy escape.
We had another conversation this week regarding our relationship and also the potential for panties. I left that conversation having said I would like to express that side of me, but I'm also afraid it will cause resentment in her and that she is more important to me than anything else in the world.
I think at this point I'm going to continue to refrain as we keep working on us.
Probably try to stick to a diet, keep up on male grooming for now, and we'll try to talk about this again as time goes on.
At least she knows where I'm at and I was honest.

[Beverley Sims]

I think it is something you will have to ease into gradually.

Acceptance can be very slow.