A whole different perspective !

[Teresa]

I'll start with a little background about coming out .

As some of you may know I'm totally out to my daughter her husband and 6 year old daughter , my son and his wife know but their two young sons know nothing of my dressing side . I've just spoken to my son on the phone and through various circumstances prefers the boys not to know . I did point out how much policies are changing in the UK but most of this issue is to keep my wife happy because she's not happy with situation with my daughter .

Going back to the point of policies changing especially with UK schools where parents can choose which gender is assigned to their child . It occured to me that my grandsons could be in a class with children now declaring how they wished to be assigned which means they could sit next to a boy wearing a dress or skirt . The other possibility is one or more of their teachers could equally be TG or TS , not forgetting it could be M/F or F/M . In the light of this possible situation are they being fair to the boys or indeed fair to me by not telling them about my dressing situation .

I know some reading this may recall my comments from the past where I've stated not to involve children if at all possible for various reasons but I can see now there has been a radical change which I've only just realised changes much of my thinking . The UK government appears to be determined to have a more open policy for the LGBT community and is trying to educate the public. The other point is the possibilty of my son or daughter and their partners could find themselves working alongside a TG workmate , now I've considerd that possibility I really hope it happens .

The final thought on this is what happens if or when one of my grandsons takes a liking to wearing his mother's clothes ? Will I be asked to give advice or be accused of causing it ?

I did tell my son in this phone call that the whole situation could have been easier to deal with if my wife had taken my issue on board more and even joined me in counselling , he was still tying to defend her but I was expecting that to happen , he doesn't have a choice .

[AllieSF]

I think your son and his wife are being a little strict with all this. Yes, they have the right to raise their children as they wish. However, with what is happening all over the western world, they do need to get on board, hopefully sooner rather than later. That being said, since your life style is NOT full time, only full time on those days that work for you, maybe there is more burden on you to respect their wishes with minimal complaints or opposite opinions. However, it is your life, your family knows why you are separated, but not why you are not divorced based on the way your wife acts and continues to work against you, so if they want to drop in and you just happen to not want to change back into male mode, then that is their call to show up or not. You definitely have the right to be you in your own home when you want. yes, it is nice to try to please others when you want, just make sure you want to or tell them to drop by another time.

The new positive steps forward from school systems there can only be in your favor since your children will not be able to change those positive changes, only move their children to schools where the rules may be less enforceable.

[Gillian Gigs]

Your children will raise their children the way they see fit, and there is not much you can, or should do about it. Remember though, the apple doesn't fall far from tree! We are seeing changes in society, but just like a pendulum, things can change and go the other direction again. If your grand children are normal and typical children, it will not take long before they will start asking questions. When they do ask the questions like, "why does Grandpa wear skirts", you will have to be prepared to answer! It's only a matter of time, and you will have the mess of a separated wife who will be giving her answers also. It that situation, take the high road, children are very preceptive, they will see through it all to the truth.

[Stephanie47]

I think many children are too young to understand the issues surrounding transgender men and women. I forget how old the two grandson are. Are they old enough to truly understand why grandpa now is grandma? It's one thing to view transgender issues from afar than right in the family.

[Teresa]

Allie,
As you may recall I visited my old home town dressed to visit my painting group at the opening of the exhibition , I called entering enemy territory ! It did go well even seeing people I knew in the High Street without them recognising me . That has a double edge because I should have been entitled to say hello but didn't because of the family . This is the part that does gripe me , not being taken on board fully enough and accepted be free to be totally open . When I mentioned this to my sister in law she said my wife will go ballistic if she finds out . Their thinking is I can turn it on and off as I choose , if only they would sit down and discuss all this .

Gilliian,
I agree with your sentiment , but my wife is interferring with the decision my daughter has made , she has told her to mind her own business it's her decision but in an Email to me she told me she feels sick in her stomach when my daughter told her and that I'm taking advantage of my granddaughters autism for my own selfish reasons . I haven't replied to that but I'm very annoyed that she's putting words in other people's mouths .

I don't think the UK will take steps back on these issues but may have to curb some over zealous activists who end up doing more damage for us . Yes I could be in a situtaution where my granddaughter may say something in front of the boys but hopefully by then they will be aware of some TG issues through the school and their friends . Again I wonder what will happen if they go back home and tell my son and his wife that they have just seen a friends father and he was wearing female clothes , or their friends get picked up from school by a CDer . It's only a matter of time now the whole issue is becoming more open .

[phili]

Teresa,
in a way we have models already of social activists who are ahead of their time-it is messy and confusing. CDing has the disadvantage of clothing being tied to sexuality, so many more unspoken things and therefore suspicions, etc.

Roughly half of society is conservative, half liberal. So we are going to lose some relationships - but think of it this way: x relative is kept away from you or told stories about you. Eventually they meet you, and that is when they feel you as super nice, settled, non threatening, open, genuine...and they are wondering- 'Has he changed?"

Then -"Oh, well, I kind of like him." "Or, wow- I like him!" or- "Well, he's no monster, but I'm sticking with the traditional conservative view of suppressing such things. "

[Jaylyn]

Teresa your right about a whole new perspective. The problem is we are still dealing with the old perspective of men should not wear a dress and act like a GG. The other perspective is that we see what we truly feel inside. My wife sees her side that there is no way my kids ( all are grown with kids of their own) are to know about my dressing. She has seen me dressed and even helped at one time and thought it was a novel thing, but even then she wanted Jaylyn to stay hidden. She has changed her mind on my dressing now and doesn't want any thing to do with it. My perspective is what can I hurt if the kids don't know and after I'm dead they should find pictures of me or my stash of clothes. It isn't going to matter but wife thinks she is protecting us and all pictures need to be destroyed even telling me that it would damage my grandsons for life.
It's how we look at things and how they perceive who and what they think CDs are. I'm just a harmless old male who loves getting dressed and relaxing but in my part of the world the perception of a CD is a weak male, usually gay, and molests little kids. We know this is not true but it's the other perspective.
My answer is there is no fairness because people see the world as how they think it affects them, and we see the world how it affects us. Not fair I know but it's the way it is.

[Teresa]

Jaylyn,
Maybe you missed the point of my thread the UK situation is more open than the US , my children and grandchildren are going to be exposed far more to the whole LGBT issue . Parents are being asked what gender they wish their children to be listed as when they start school , TGs/TSs are being employed not only in schools but many work places . This generation is having to take it on board and accept it as a normal part of social life , the fact my wife and son are trying to keep my CDing from my grandsons is becoming irrelevent because it won't be long before they meet other pupils , teachers or parents who are part of the TG community . Is it right they are stopping me from meeting them now ?

As I said I may as well sit back and be patient because the inevitable is going to happen , I'll be here for then if and when .

Only today I had this conversation with my daughter she knows it's only a matter of time , she does fully understand , besides she openly accepts me anyway .

[Asew]

Yes, today's youth is exposed to a lot more LGBTQ through media and people that are out. And in general there is a increase in tolerance of those different. Kids don't have these prejudices usually unless learned, and actually are interested and curious about people who are different.

But don't push this issue too far, it might end up bad with your son. A little nudge, but if he isn't moving don't keep pushing. I don't know how much you spend with these grandchildren, but with our kids we are always making sure they respect people's differences. They are probably eventually going to know about your dressing so it will be a nice groundwork for them to tolerant/accept. Regardless it will hopefully make sure they are tolerant/accepting of others.

[Teresa]

Asew,
Yes I agree , as I said I'll just sit back and be patient , because I don't think it will be long before their thinking and attitude will have to change .

[DaisyLawrence]

Your children will raise their children the way they see fit, and there is not much you can, or should do about it.

Exactly.

[t-girlxsophie]

I'm sure you and your wife raised your daughter to respect others.Your daughter clearly has taken that on into her adult life.I think one thing your situation does is it shows your ex-wife up in a very poor light.When the grandkids grow up I'm sure they will understand

Sophie

[Teresa]

Sophie,
I guess that will be the shame of it all , and my wife fails to see that , I really don't want it to backfire on anyone . I feel our separation has now hit home with her .

The old saying of leading a horse to water comes to mind !
I would think by the time they are old enough to realise the whole World will have moved on for all these issues not to matter at all .

[Gillian Gigs]

Teresa quote, " I haven't replied to that but I'm very annoyed that she's putting words in other people's mouths."
That about sums it up when it comes to control freaks.
T-girlxsophie quote, " When the grandkids grow up I'm sure they will understand."
Grandkids will know who loves them unconditionally, control freaks usually place controls on who, how and when they will love someone!
One of the biggest things that we have to learn as humans is to love unconditionally, then others will reciprocate that love. It doesn't matter if your clothes don't match your perceived gender, true love over looks and covers it up. The Beatles had it correct, all we need is love!

[Teresa]

Gillian,
I must admit it's hard to accept these labels being attached to my wife and can only truly see them now I have some space , I'm afraid my wife is also self destructive , as well as very controlling . I try to see it as it's not her fault but a family trait but it doesn't make it any easier to live with .I can see now it was naive to think our separation could be amicable when I have lived with it for so many years , leopards don't change their spots !

I do feel my daughter has picked up that point of loving and caring , she sees the other side of me without reservation , what is there to dislike about it in her eyes which is so refreshing , I also get that from my son in law's mother who welcomes me into her home dressed to see the granddaughter .