End of my rope

[Barbara Black]

I realize that I didn't tell my wife that I crossdressed, so I'm guilty of that. But I've tried to get her to understand that it isn't just a habit or a hobby, but it just hasn't worked. Every time we get angry about something it is because of my crossdressing. This includes questions of whether I'm gay or not every time. So obviously nothing has gotten through. I have to gather up my courage and do something about it, which is to move out, one way or another. While it is not a hobby to me, it is one of the very few things that makes me happy. I won't waste my time trying to do without it, including purging. It hasn't exactly been a joyful 35 years, but I need something to go through with this.

[Tracii G]

You know you could try the old guilt trip method.

[sometimes_miss]

Barbara, I feel very sorry for you, and hope that things will get better. But, well, this is the danger of coming out to our mates after the fact. I don't know what you expected, perhaps all the wonderful stories here about how some of the member's wives have been so accepting and tolerant may have disillusioned you to reality; I can see how that can easily happen. The sad state of affairs is, the vast majority of women want nothing to do with crossdressers. Even worse to them, is if said crossdresser is her mate or potential mate. While all of us love a 'happily ever after' story, for most, that isn't the reality that we face.

[KatrinaK]

Barbara, I’m really sorry to hear that. Despite the fact that my wife and I have found a happy equilibrium where she’s more than tolerant, it hasn’t always been a bed of roses over here. It sounds like the biggest impediment you have is your wife’s preconceived notions about crossdressing, which from the sound of it are misguided and inaccurate. It also sounds like she’s not going to take the initiative on her own to better understand it. My recommendation is for you to find a couples counselor who specializes in gender dysphoria. If there is any chance of your wife coming around, it’s likely going to need professional help. We’re seeing someone like that and it has made a HUGE difference. If you need pointing in the right direction on that, PM me.

[Darla L]

I’m sorry to hear that, Barbara. Choices are hard, consequences are harder. I hope you find the way to make the best choice for you and your family.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes Miss is spot on. Almost no women want a man that cd's, no matter how great a man he is in every other way, and things/ I am 64, still single, likely will die with no SO or wife, even if I quit Cding. America has become a vast desert for a lot of single men.

[giuseppina]

I'm sorry to hear of this, Barbara. Perhaps it is time for a licensed counsellor, a licensed social worker, for example.

That is a really stupid suggestion that will do a lot of harm, Tracii. It will make things go downhill even faster than they are now. I don't know if your serious, flippant, or whatever, but such comments are not helpful. I'm not a mental health professional; that one sticks out like a sore thumb.

[Tracii G]

I'm sorry you think I am flippant and actually I am not.
I sent a PM explaining what I meant and it was nothing mean or hurtful I assure you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I suspect that your wife will never accept that you are leaving her because of her lack of acceptance. She is likely to spin all sorts of false stories about you behind your back.

You need to be ok with that. It sounds to me that leaving is your wisest choice.

I wish you the very best of luck Barbara.

[Stephanie47]

If you're really planning on leaving your marriage I recommend consulting a divorce attorney. As a retiree, if you and your wife are going to argue and be at each other's throat all the time, then separation may be best. You alluded to 35 years not being joyful. Sometimes cross dressing becomes the blame for anything that may go wrong with a marriage. It's a nice way to generate sympathy from anyone who will listen.

I do not necessary believe revelations of cross dressing after marriage automatically results in a failed marriage. Yes, the majority of wives are not going to become your shopping buddies or feel comfortable with hubby sitting on the couch all dolled up. My wife wants nothing to do with my desires to wear women's clothing. We have not approached the subject since the mid 1980's. No discussions. No snide comments. Nothing. Occasionally she has found a panty or a bra I failed to put away. She has folded them and put them where nobody will stumble across them, and, tells me they have been placed on top of the washing machine. We get along fine in every other way. I told her I do not know why I do what I do, which is the truth. I do not throw my desires in her face, and, tell her to "live with it!"

You may want to try joint counseling. It may lead to establishing mutually acceptable boundaries. If the marriage is not worth saving due to other issues don't let her use cross dressing as a scapegoat.

[DanaR]

I agree with Stephanie, individual and maybe joint counseling might help. I thought that it might help in our case. I went to counseling and tried talking my wife into going and after a while she did, with her own counselor. We tried joint counseling, but soon realized that the counselor was taking sides, so we stopped and worked it out between us. We found that we cared about each other too much to let anything come between us.

[alwayshave]

Barbara, I'm sorry about your situation.

[phili]

Harville Hendrix wrote a wonderful book on the hidden potential of marriage which seems mired in conflict- and his book 'Getting the Love you Want' is worth reading before jumping out in despair. First step- close the exits. That focuses the mind on solutions- and there is a lot more that is very interesting and has been super helpful to me.

Another marriage counselor prescribed a simple rule: commit to perfect equality in power and satisfactions- to commit to talking quickly and reaching 100% joyful agreement on what you are sharing and how. That means that each person has to dig deeper for things that bring joy or satisfaction in response to each other, but you keep going until you reach a fresh and satisfying place.

[IleneD]

Barbara,

So sorry for the experience. I too have been up to the edge of walking away. I know the pain.
I've heard all the same counter arguments, resentments, accusations and (frankly) uninformed bigotry from the lips of my most beloved friend.

I reached out for help. I found a transgender support group at my local GBLT Center. Even if you're "only" a CD, support groups are a great place to be. I also started seeing a gender therapist. The sessions have been great so far. The first thing my therapist, (a woman), taught me to do was peacefully argue and how to LISTEN; and then reasonably express the feeling.

I don't know how dedicated you are to saving your marriage. My situation may differ. My Spouse has been and still is my best friend in life. We've been through joy, hell and near death together and have family we both cherish after 41 yrs. That relationship and my family remain a priority. We deserve to grow old in each other's arms. I am trying to make ALL of this work, including my fully realized transgenderism.

On the other hand, (as my therapist told me)... no relationship is permanent or so valuable that it can't change. People change and there may be a time to part from a bad relationship and find personal peace. It's your right.

I hold no magic keys for you, Barb. But I'm a listener. I'm a Sister. I am going through much of your experience. Your forum Sisters know your soul. I'm here to listen to you. If you wish to PM me on the side to talk discreetly, that's OK. You're not getting much younger, and neither am I. I am moving slowly to address my own gender dysphoria. It's about time. But at least and at last I am facing it head on. Do so too, Barb.
Love. Hugs.

[Sidney]

When I came out to my wife it ALMOST ended our marriage. Without someone between us (a counselor) to mediate we would not still be together going on I think three or four years later. It was rough, lots of tears, arguments etc. We still go to individual and joint counseling. We eventually found with our love for each other, our friendship, communication and counceling we could make it work. It wasn't easy but we got there. She now accepts Sidney. Does she participate, we'll no with the exception of an occasional bra and panty set. But we're still in love, together and happy. I do get to dress every day even if it panties, bra and nightgown. We were fortunate we didn't have other issues, just the crossdressing to deal with. My and my wife's individual counselors (we don't see the same one) each on different occasions told us something very simple but kind of.profound, "you and only you a responsible for your own happiness. This doesn't prevent two spouses working on joint happiness but in the end it is your decision to be happy or wallow in misery". Good luck and happiness.

[Teresa]

Barbara,
I'm a little older and been married 44 years, I'm afraid when the cat's out of the bag the damage is done for some of us , there's no going back . I separated in February this year and I'm much happier since , I thought my wife was but now I believe the loss has hit her judging by the last Email . I know I can't go back, the bottom line is I can't live without it and she can't live with it , it would just be a compromised lifestyle again . I'm out 100% in my new home town and all the family know, I am now moving forward , it isn't easy but an interesting challenge . It may help you if you can find a social group , being alone in this situation makes it harder to come to the right decision so talking to others and their wives / partners may just help you see things more clearly . It's very easy to fall into the trap of feeling totally the guilty party but it takes two for this situation to arise , if the talking doesn't happen then eventually you have very little choice . I went through two separate sessions of counselling but it didn't help because my wife wouldn't discuss it , she appeared to think it would cure me , instead it just clarified what I already thought . Why should you purge ? It's not going to make any difference to her thinking , most of us aren't gay in fact still like the company of GGs .

If it helps please PM me , we shouldn't be made to suffer something we can't change , we need to come to terms with it and it's not always possible with an unaccepting partner .

[SamanthaToday]

Well since your marriage is over anyway...

Why move out, cats out of the bag, its all over and everyone will know.

Soooooo,,, why not dress up in something thats not over the top one morning and see what happens.

Sure She will freak out, but be calm, and maybe She will calm soon too, nothing to lose.

[DaisyLawrence]

Every time we get angry about something it is because of my crossdressing.

This means you have reached the right conclusion about your marraige. There shouldn't be multiple 'getting angry about things' moments in a happy marraige and for her just to blame anything that annoys her on you by citing your crossdressing means she really isn't happy with you anymore. If, as you say, it hasn't exactly been a joyful 35 years then I think the suggestions of therapy are just prolonging the inevitable and 'flogging a dead horse'. Good luck, better times ahead I sincerely hope.

[Raychel]

I am sorry to hear that Barbara.

But speaking from experience,
I had 23 years of less then joyful times.

I made the escape 1.5 years ago
Life has certainly gotten better.
Not to say there hasn't been rough times.
But I have to admit I am 1000% happier now.
And life is to short to be unhappy.

[Beverley Sims]

If you are thinking of separating tie up all the loose ends first.

You should give your wife some opportunity to make amends by telling her of your intentions.
One important thing, why did you marry in the first place?:

No it is not a harsh question but you do have to examine when it ran off the rails and can you rescue the partnership.

[CarlaWestin]

I feel for you. Been at that dreaded fork in the road three or four times.

[Tracii G]

I would suggest getting your "ducks in a row" with a divorce attorney to see what you can and cannot do legally.
I did that and kept all my property.

[docrobbysherry]

Barbara, you're like a unicorn to me! I couldn't last 10 years with my ex. And, that was before I began dressing!

How two people can stay together that long boggles my mind!

[phili]

Barbara,
I'm committed to saving marriages if possible, and wanted to say that when people repeat themselves it is because they feel they haven't been heard. In many cases what they are saying isn't what they mean, which is the reason. You obviously are trying to have a relationship that is positive and supportive, and still have your needs met.

My guess is that she is actually worried not about crossdressing per se but about what it means to her, what she fears, what role she has to you as a woman when you are also being the woman, and ...blinded with grief and loss of her identity, and the chaos of trying to even understand you, she is like a broken record.

But she is criticizing, not leaving, so there is hope. She will agree that you both want to be happy, and hopefully you can find a counselor tohelp negotiate a safe way to understand each other better, rather than split.