Life, family and children

[KristinaK]

It's been a long while since I have posted but not much had changed until relatively recently.

My wife and I started couples counseling for several issues including my cross dressing. It helped quite a bit with our relationship.

Then earlier this year, we found out we were pregnant. While going through the pregnancy, we discussed my cross dressing and how to approach it with our child. We came to the conclusion that I would be open about it and it would not be hidden from our child as they grew up.

With this decided, knowing that my in-laws would be around the house more and would probably come across some of my things (like shoes... I wear a 11-12 and my wife wears a 6) they might have some questions. Rather than waiting for them to have those questions, we decided to just tell them. They were extremely supportive and understanding. It helps that they have a gay son who did some cross dressing when he was growing up and they have a bi-sexual daughter (my wife) plus they are old hippies...

The biggest question is for those that didn't hide their dressing from their kids as they grew up, how did you handle things? I am not out to my side of the family (nor do I think I ever could come out without severely damaging the relationship) and I hope to instill the fact that it's something private and not something to talk with strangers about. How did your experience go with this?

[Robertacd]

All I will say is if you are going to be out to your child.

Don't make or even expect the child keep your secret!

It is unfair to the child and strips them of their innocence. You know to a child there is not much difference between being told not to talk about how Daddy dresses, and told to not talk about how Daddy hits Mommy.

[KristinaK]

I am hoping it won't be an issue with my side of the family since they don't live close by and we don't see them that often. That is the biggest worry I have... plus being bullied in school if it gets out that daddy dresses as a woman.

[AllieSF]

If you are going to dress in front of your child from the beginning I think that you have to truly own who you are and what you are doing. I mean that if you have great communication with a young child, they will understand and some may even be able to keep that secret. As for being bullied in school, yes, it may happen, but in today's world most teachers and school already know how to deal with that kind of issue. If you own it with the school, teachers and staff, then I think that you will be OK. Sure, there may be bumps in the road, there always are some, but being open and honest (you don't have to ever show up dressed if you don't want to) I think that over time it will get better. I would also just self describe yourself as trans, and then let them ask more personal questions, which they probably won't so as to not invade your personal life. Too much detail just muddies the waters for everyone. Less said, less issues, and, questions.

I really like what you are doing and commend you for that. You handled it so well with your wife, both of you should be great parents for this next generation. Keep up the good work and good luck.

[Sami Brown]

The school should already have policies against bullying. It doesn't matter whether the reason for bullying is because the child is too fat, too smart, or has a trans father.

I admire your courage for taking steps that basically are going to out yourself to the world in whatever manner that goes.

Sami

[Teresa]

Kristina,
It is a complex subject , each sutuation is different . My children found out as adults and I felt that was the correct way to do it . Kids need you when growing up they have enough problems of their own is it fair to pass your issues onto them . You can't expect them to keep a secret .

So now I have a twist to this , I'm out to mt daughter and son in law and they have allowed me to meet my granddaughter ( aged 6) . Everything is fine but I have promised to stop if it causes any problems . I can see storm clouds looming because my wife is furious , I can never see this happening with my grandsons because my son and his wife know but don't wish to see me . The premise is to protect the grandsons . The problem is school policy has changed and children are being given the opportnity to come out on gender issues . The twist I'm waiting for is one of my grandsons to dabble in CDing and finding they like it !

[Asew]

My wife, kids (elementary through middle school), most family, many friends, and a dozen of my coworkers all have learned about my dressing as I have become more public with it. The one limitation is that my wife does not want me to dress outside of the house in our town because she doesn't want our kids to be bullied because of it. There is also the fear of what other parents might think and how it might affect the relationship between our kids and theirs. My wife is ok with me going to work dressed (and shopping on my lunch break) since it a few towns away.

But hopefully being open and honest is a good thing to teach kids along with helping them accept other's differences. As the years go on people are more and more accepting of us which makes it easier to let kids know now compared to previous decades.

Does a lesbian hide it from her children? Does a transitioned MtF hide it from their children? So why is it so different for a CDer?

[phili]

Being trans is now understood worldwide as something people are, and IMHO just showing people what trans^ means to you is the simplest way forward. No secrets- it just makes people wonder what you are hiding, since wearing a dress is not something that is complicated- just a strange choice for clothes, unless one is trans or a drag queen, or genderfluid, all accepted categories. I found that simply not being embarrassed an talking directly to people as if the dress is a non issue is an instant cure for those who reach for shame or gossip.

[Beverley Sims]

Times are changing and trans people are understood more.

Maybe it is a good idea to share your secret early and get it over with.

After all when it's done you can start to live a normal and not secretive life.

[kimdl93]

It seems you’re taking the right path. Everything out in the open, unashamedly and honestly. That has to be better for all concerned

[GretchenM]

I think you are taking the right approach. Be open about it. Secrets tend to become scandalous and that sometimes creates thinking that is untrue. Plus, I speculate, by the time your new, cute rug rat is big enough to go to school and considering the rate at which society is changing in so many ways, often for the better for people like us, there may be only minimal issues to consider. As Phili says, much of the world is beginning to readily recognize that gender now is not what it used to be and acceptance is spreading widely. It sure isn't anything like it was in the last century. Who knows what it will be like 8 years from now. In some areas of the world it could go the other way, but if the masses are recognizing it as something that is to be expected once in awhile then the wave of acceptance will likely grow.

And congratulations on the pregnancy; I wish you and your wife the very best.

[Charlotte7]

To my mind, in this, you're either out to all, or in to all. I don't see a halfway house here without putting a burden on your child. Whenever I take a new step, and this for you would be a new step, I always ask myself, and more importantly try my best to answer fully to myself, what is the worst thing that can happen here, and, only when I am sure that I can live with the consequences of that, do I act. My thoughts on this are based on where you say that you not out to your family, nor do you see your self ever coming out to your family. Fix that, and yes, it's a great idea.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm glad that the couples counselling helped.

It's not fair and definitely not appropriate to ask a child to keep a secret, especially from other family members. You either don't tell your child, and live in the closet till they're old enough to talk to as adults, ie maybe 14, or you face the music and out yourself to your family. It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, but it has to be before your child is old enough to talk coherently, ie maybe 3.

To do otherwise is to teach your child that dishonesty and conspiracy are ok. It places great responsibility on little shoulders, and it might well cause feelings of guilt. Incidentally it also teaches your child that crossdressing is not completely ok.

I suggest you ask your in-laws for guidance, as well as the counsellor.

Think long and hard before you make such a far reaching decision.

[Jenny22]

I applaud you and your wife for your conclusion to be honest with everyone EXCEPT your own family. You will be dressing en femme around your children, so at some time and place they will likely unintentionally spill the beans when with your mom and dad. What then, hmmmm??? You better make ready NOW to discuss it when that happens, because it will.

[Teresa]

Asew,
To answer the question in your last paragraph , yes they do they have as many problems as anyone else . Why do we have the designated LGBT banner ? because they all have issues that are sometimes difficult to resolve .

[Fran in skirts]

Does a lesbian hide it from her children? Does a transitioned MtF hide it from their children? So why is it so different for a CDer?

The above quote says it all.

I am out to the world and all of my family know I wear female clothing. My opinion is don't try to hide it as kids will always find out somehow. Since I don't know your personal situation I really can't say do it or don't. So take what I write with a spoon full of honey and just do what you feel is best for you.

Fran

[Jenny22]

Well said, Nikki !!

I'm glad that the couples counselling helped.

It's not fair and definitely not appropriate to ask a child to keep a secret, especially from other family members. You either don't tell your child, and live in the closet till they're old enough to talk to as adults, ie maybe 14, or you face the music and out yourself to your family. It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, but it has to be before your child is old enough to talk coherently, ie maybe 3.

To do otherwise is to teach your child that dishonesty and conspiracy are ok. It places great responsibility on little shoulders, and it might well cause feelings of guilt. Incidentally it also teaches your child that crossdressing is not completely ok.

I suggest you ask your in-laws for guidance, as well as the counsellor.

Think long and hard before you make such a far reaching decision.

[jacques]

hello Kristina,
It firstly depends on your cross-dressing. Is it a lifestyle or a private hobby? How out of the closet are you?
Children are very clever so you cannot keep it secret. They can also be indiscreet when you least expect it.
I am sure that my children knew about my dressing, but I did not knowingly dress in front of them. I don't think their lives have been scarred by this. I don't think my life was changed by finding my father's stash of "adult" magazines.
My advice - you have to decide how important cross-dressing is to you. And then don't make a big thing of it - it is just something that Daddy does (or doesn't).
luv J

luv J

[docrobbysherry]

"We r pregnant"?
So, you're going to share carrying that load around for 9 months? Then, share the pain of delivery? I'm sure you'll split evenly those many near sleepless nites up nursing a crying baby those first months, too!

"We" wish u good luck with all that!

[Lux]

I originally wanted to tell my 2 kids that I was a crossdresser because it was nothing I was ashamed of. Then I went to a SCC (Southern Comfort) meeting a few years ago with my wife. Great meeting. There I met another crossdresser that basically said;” only tell them if you absolutely have to express who you are on a daily basis, if it’s only a part time thing why put them through that since being a young adolescent is tough enough these days”. Honestly, after thinking about it I agreed with her and decided to tell them when they were adults if it came up. But every situation is different. Good luck.