Help needed, I need some advice how to tell my son of 19 years

[faltenrock]

Hi ladies, quick background.
My son caught me about four years ago dressed. I tried to explain my dressing and the motivation for it. He was crying back then at age 15.
Last week he saw me on the way home getting a package from the postman. I wasn't aware that he was close to the house.
However I opened the package to look at the new dress and looked at it in my office while he was entering the house and on the way to his room when he saw me.
I am currently on business and will be back home tomorrow evening.
My wife sent me an e mail, saying that he has a problem with all that.
He is expecting that I explain myself next week and that I approach him to talk.

At this point I'm not sure how and how much I should tell him.

Please if anyone has any advice I'm glad to read it. It's a difficult issue and I'm pretty down about it. I feel ashamed and don't know how much of my dressing should be talked about.

Please help.
Thank you all.

Doreen

[Teresa]

Doreen,
Still a difficult age , it was easier for me JUST ! because my son was in his thirties.

Possibly it may be better to find some time and ask him if he would like to talk about it , give him a chance to think it over and let him ask the initial questions . You may have to take into account if he is having any sexual problems before you talk to him about your issues , he may open up on that point and lead you into your situation . As your wife knows does she want any input or is she leaving it all to you ? The other point is are you prepared for a full explanation do you need time to prepare yourself ? I've always suggested writing it all down so you can think it through and can then offer a more balanced explanation and consider the questions you might ask yourself .

His question will be very much based on what he knows of the whole issue , so letting him take the lead maybe the right way and correct him when you feel it's the right time .

I wll repeat this story from a conversation with a friend when I asked him how I tell my son . He said , " What makes you think he's not hiding something from you !" So maybe be prepared for the unexpected . I asked a male SA about choosing female glasses, while we were looking at the frames he came out to me about a CDing incident he'd had but never dared tell anyone . You never know if your son is going to use the opportunity to tell you something .

The follow on question is will your dressing change ? Will you make compromises for him ? I know that depends on how he takes it and I guess it revolves around how he sees you as a father .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

he has a problem with all that.
He is expecting that I explain myself next week and that I approach him to talk.

He sounds more than a little self righteous, but that's probably just masking the fact that his world has been rocked- dad is not the person he thought he was. The self righteous phrasing may also be your wife's, more than his- let's hope so.

Has he led a very sheltered life? How does a kid get to 19 today without having some familiarity with LGBTQ issues? Has he spent the last 4 years, since he first saw you dressed, in denial?

Perhaps the best way for you to deal with this would be to make an appointment for you and your son, and possibly your wife too if you think she'd be receptive, to see a therapist trained in transgender matters. You could stall for time, since finding the right therapist is crucial, by talking to him and explaining that while you're happy to answer his questions, you feel that it would be helpful to you all to talk things over with someone trained in this area.

It is possible that your wife is putting a dramatic spin on this because of her own feelings about your dressing- you don't mention her own views. I wouldn't be too sure of your son's position by taking your wife's word for it. Your son will probably have been Googling the subject, and after all he is an adult.

Feeling shame is not helpful to anybody. Giving your son the message that you feel what you are doing is shameful will only confuse him further. My view is to be proud of who you are. Nobody's asking your son to bring Doreen to show & tell. He doesn't have to like it, and he has to see that crossdressing is not fatal - that you are still his dad, that you are there for him regardless of how he feels about this thing you love to do.

And yeah, in the nicest possible way, it is really none of his business.

[jacques]

hello Doreen,
your son already knows - so just be honest.
You are still the same person as you were before he found out. You are still (and always will be) his parent. Your feelings for him have not changed. You have not suddenly turned into s different person.
Like him, I do not know the extent of your cross-dressing - how would you explain it to me? How often do you dress; how long have you done it; how does it make you feel; what are your plans ... ?
Just be honest and answer any questions.
I hope it goes well for you,
luv J

[DIANEF]

I would have thought your typical 19 year old would be more onboard with alternative lifestyles nowadays, but of course it doesn't apply to them all. My son walked in on me while I was fully dressed and was totally unphased about it, though he was a fair bit older than 19. The only way to resolve this issue is by talking to your son. He can't unsee what he has seen but it is your life and you must live it the way you feel is right. I hope things go well.

[docrobbysherry]

I was forced to tell my live in daughter at the same age, FR. Altho, no one in my family had a clue I dressed up until then. I was very disappointed when after I explained, I asked if she had any questions? She had none. Leaving me to believe she didn't approve. She didn't and doesn't now. 5 years later we've developed a DADT system for my dressing that works for both of us!

I strongly suggest to tell him as much as he needs to know, living with u. Then, answer any and all his questions simply and directly. Remember that this has been a secret u intentionally kept from him. You'll need to explain why, honestly!

[Beverley Sims]

From my point of view, questions you have to ask yourself.

Has he anything on his plate that troubles him?

Is he using this as a cover for something more perplexing?

Has your wife embellished any of the situation?

How long has he known?

How much has he seen?

What is his present outlook on the situation?

My first question would be what is troubling you son.

From his reply you can either make a statement or ask further questions of him.

Keep your son on the defensive, if he get's the better of you it i easy to talk you down.

Remember you are on the defensive too.

Do not be ashamed, tell it like it is, that some men have a soft side and hold women in high esteem.

Others that are macho tend to treat women as chattels.

Marriage is a partnership and any sexual relations between you and his mother are strictly private and you do not air them as dirty linen.

If the conversation gets heated, say quietly, that you are prepared to continue after we both calm down.

I could go on but there are enough people out there with more conflicts in this situation to suggest something from their experiences.

I will watch this thread with bated breath as I would like to see you solve it amicably.

Be proud, you are his father and he is looking to you for guidance, however odd this may seem.

[Connie D50]

Wow this is a hard one, I started to write a response and I feel that I'm not coalified to do it. Talking is always good but mybe you need to talk to a professional on the topic.

[Jenny22]

Your explanation must be honest and truthful, but do YOU really understand why you CD and become a different persona? That 'why' will/should be the basis of you discussion.
Others have given good info. Beverly Sims' outline is right on point. You should also outline your thoughts so they are as complete as possible, rather then trying to remember facts at the discussion. Good luck!!

[Leslie Langford]

I think Nikki summed it up very well.

Your son "catching you in the act" at this time should not have had the same shock value and not have been as (possibly) traumatic as it was the first time for him at age 15 for for a number of reasons:

1) In some parts of the world, he would legally be considered an adult at age 19 and have already gained some of the maturity and life experiences typically associated with that next stage of his on-going development. It is also 2018 now, and he does not live in a cave. Surely your son is aware of the existence of vibrant LGBTQ+ communities...not only in Germany, but in all progressive parts of the world. The fact that he now knows for certain that you fall into one of those categories is no reason to shun you or think any less of you in the future. You are simply a crossdresser, not an axe murderer or a pedophile.

2) In terms of transgender people in general (transsexuals and crossdressers included), it is almost as if a bright spotlight has been shone on us over the last 5 years or so. Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner, and Jazz Jennings etc...the media have fallen all over themselves to report their life journeys, and usually in a very respectful and sympathetic manner. Even in your own country...isn't Kim Petras still something of a celebrity there, and now celebrated more for her artistic abilities than the fact that at the time, she was the youngest person in the world to undergo SRS?

Given the media exposure that transgender people have received in recent years...books, magazine articles, documentaries, television shows, talk shows, movies, Youtube "transition" videos, a current fascination with androgynous and now M-T-F transsexual models (Andreij Pejic, Carmen Carrera, Hari Nef et al)...why, it's almost become "fashionable" to declare oneself to be transgender these days, inspiring awe and perhaps even a bit of envy among the "muggles" as opposed to the derision and mocking that we once saw as our fate. Most people now realize that transgenderism is not-that-uncommon a human condition it once was thought to be. Many also now "get it" when it comes to the overall concept of gender identity and/or gender dysphoria compared to an earlier time when the binary ruled supreme .

3) You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't choose to become transgender...it chose YOU. You did your best to manage your gender dysphoria in a way that worked for you, thereby maintaining your sanity and enabling you to be the otherwise good husband, father, and provider that you clearly are. You also made it a very private thing, keeping it away from both your wife and your son so as to allow them to lead as "normal" a life as they could under the circumstances, albeit at a great mental cost to you. You deserve a great deal of credit for that, not condemnation, and your son needs to understand that.

4) Now that your crossdressing has become a matter of record and can no longer be categorized as a "one-off" indulgence or experiment, a new family dynamic needs to be negotiated with both your son AND your wife regarding your crossdressing. No more DADT, and no more head in the sand, shame or denial. If they are both still uncomfortable with it, then carry on as before, as that obviously worked reasonably well for the three of you all these years. The only difference now would be more openness and no more shame, lying, or denial around it. You are who you are, and if they both love you, then they need to accept this part of you in the same way as if a comparable life-changing event had befallen you instead. This would include such things as becoming a paraplegic as a result of an accident, developing dementia, or suffering a debilitating stroke that left you a shadow of your former self...all of which would also have impacted them in a way they didn't sign up for when you became part of their lives but is now their reality as well.

"For better or for worse..." as the standard wedding vows still put it.

[phili]

Hi Doreen,
What everyone else has said, plus a few observations:
You are feeling 'on the spot'- which is from your wife saying 'You are expected to defend yourself tomorrow to your son- he doesn't like it!'
Background, your son asked your wife to explain and she did not - preferring to pretend she is not participating, when she is taking the opportunity to make this difficult for you, rather than say something nice and chatting with your son about how it feels, etc.

I finally realized that this whole idea that cding is wrong is itself wrong. CDing is a perfectly reasonable outcome of nature and nurture, and it is what it is. So teh most straightforward thing is to say - Great, I'll be home tomorrow and look forward to explaining myself to everyone as clearly as I can! "

Then, as has been said, think it through as best you can, and then tell them.And you can say- this seems this way, but I am not sure, and feeling like I have to hide it cramps my abiliity to integrate my feelings into my personality. It is awful. Now that it is not a secret- the best thing is to understand I am some kind of transgender person, and I look forward to your support, just as I would support you in a difficult or confusing period."

Then just sit quietly and look at them. You'll feel stronger for being open and truthful and trusting, and don't waver. if they choose to say- well I can't accept it and turn away, you'll feel sympathetic, and disappointed, but not fearful or 'wrong' or ashamed.

The shame sometimes is related to the sexual feelings we attach to crossdressing, but these actually turn out to be not the reason- just our selves feeling sexual as transgender people!

[faltenrock]

Thank you all so far for your great responses.
I came back from my trip (which also including dressing) Sunday evening.
He has been very normal towards me and I talked to him today and asked if it's ok to have a talk tomorrow or Wednesday. He's fine with.
Today we didn't talk about my dressing and what he's seen.

My son works late shift this week and leaves the house at 2:30 PM, my wife works until 3 PM.
In communicating with him today about normal stuff he seemed very ok.
My son and I will be on a windsurfing trip from late September for one week.
That time we will also have a lot time for us to continue talking, which is good.

My wife doesn't really want to get involved in the discussion, she's been knowing about my dressing since 22 years, has seen me dressed in the beginning and didn't want to see me dressed after we had children.

Regarding my dressing for those who don't know me from my pictures threats,
I do go out on a pretty regular basis, normally during business trips that take me to different countriers, including my country which is Germany.
Usually I dress 1-2 full days including nights for dancing or bars.
After those 1-2 days I usually want to switch back to the guy/man I am.
I never dress in public around my home town, I'm always at least 70 miles away, normally it's more than 200 miles or even more, such as the UK.
I think I know why I dress, it took me many years to figure out.

However, dressing and talking another personna as Doreen is something I would not give up. It has become a bog part of who I am and helps me to relieve from stress in my life, especially from my difficult life yeras ago.

I understand my wife, that she does not want to get involved. We had many talks about my dresssding, she doesn't like the fact that I crossdress but has arranged to be tolerant of it. She also knowes when I go out dressed and that I carry much of my clothes with me on my trips.

Last Thursday, before I left she said "enjoy your time", that was definitely a phrase about my dressing.

I will keep you updated what happened and when I've had my talk with my son.

I want him to ask specific questions and will answer those honestly, but I will only tell him the things that he'll be asking.
I would not want to tell him about my intensive outings if not necessary.

[Teresa]

Doreen,
It sounds like it's going to be OK , taking it in small bites seams to be working out for you both .

The question is will it affect your dressing in any way if and when he's fully on board ? Do you also think it may change your wife's attitude ? Final question what if your son does come out to you ?

[phili]

An idea- now he is an adult you can consider telling him as closely as possible what you actually feel and why you do it. It is a man to man type talk. He wants to know what men are like from his father, and what to expect that might surface in himself or others, whether it is safe, etc. You don't want him to admire you, and it is a private thing for you with respect to your ordinary life, but he will benefit from having you show him that even complicated things are knowable, that you are not ashamed, and he can be as honest with you when and if he needs to.

[faltenrock]

Hi there,

I want to give you an update to my issue with my son.

We had a talk today and it went very well. He is ok with my crossdressing and said he wants me to do it so he won't catch me again in the future which is understandable and fine.
he didn't really have any questions about my dressing, I explained the word transgender and the groups within that term. Unfortunately, he didn't any of that at school, which seems weird for the time in which we live.

He asked if I had a simular talk with my explanation with my other son, who is almost 23 years old. His advice is to have a talk with him ss well, which I will consider when the time is right for that.

Thanks you all for your advices and comments on this difficult issue.

[DaisyLawrence]

Must feel good to be 'out' to another family member

[DIANEF]

Good news that it worked out so well.

[Jenny22]

Falten, so glad that your talk was positively received. What factors do you consider would have to be present for the time to be right to tell your older son?

"He asked if I had a simular talk with my explanation with my other son, who is almost 23 years old. His advice is to have a talk with him ss well, which I will consider when the time is right for that."