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Thread: Perhaps we're going about this in the wrong way. Re: Finding CD friendly women.

  1. #1
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Perhaps we're going about this in the wrong way. Re: Finding CD friendly women.

    Often, we get into the discussions about where we can find CD / TG friendly women, then the insistence that we all go out en femme in an effort to try to make it seem more normal. Of course, then there is the 'be honest up front' concept, telling our prospective date that we're crossdressers before we ever start dating them, which of course will fail us >99% of the time.
    So.....lets attack this problem with the result in mind: Finding and starting a relationship with a woman who is able to accept, if not understand, why we do this.
    Those of you who have told us that you're wives or girlfriends are really on board with your crossdressing, lets at least ask them what we should do, where we should go, what we HAVE to do to make this curse understood and bearable for more women to accept us. After all, you know that she's on board with it, herself. What does she think makes her different from all the women who find us such a turn off, or even repulsive? And then how do we inspire that quality in other women? We know that women are generally more nurturing than we are, basically a natural tendency to help others rather than take advantage of them. So perhaps those lucky few, will be willing to enlist your mates, to help us. After all, there are millions of us out here; many are gainfully employed, honest, good men. In all other ways, a 'great catch', as I always hear the girls refer to men who they've caught. So there must be some way to do this. Because I have no other ideas, after pondering this for the past 40 years. With all the single women out there, literally sitting at home eating a pint of ice cream while watching some sad romance, wouldn't at least dating a nice guy who sometimes crossdresses, be better instead of waiting around for Mr alpha male to arrive? After all, no true alpha male would ever let a current boyfriend get in the way if he really wanted a woman, so she has nothing to lose.

    Posting personal ads that include being a crossdresser has elicited only half a dozen responses in 20 years now. So the up front and honest thing alone, isn't working.
    What can we do to make ourselves more acceptable? (other than winning the lottery, of course, as that's not really a plan).
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

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    Hi Lexi , I am going to buy a Mega Million lottery ticket and see how it goes. >orchid ..88..
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

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  3. #3
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Great topic because now that I’m single for the first time in 35 years I don’t want to be dishonest so I know it’s going to
    be mostly impossible to find anyone now. But I’m on a dating site and in my profile I’m totally hones about my gender
    variance and as you say, no intrest at all. I feel this is now my fate. No hope to have a relationship.

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    Blue Orchid,

    If you win the $250 mil. there will be no shortage of young ladies that all of a sudden love crossdressers, let me correct that, just one crossdresser...YOU!!!

  5. #5
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    It's all in the details, advertising a personal ad that includes "Potential multi-million dollar dollar ticket holder, Looking for someone who likes to shop for house in the Hampton's, Test drive expensive cars and expand my Donna Karen wardrobe a must"
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    Aspiring Member Rayleen's Avatar
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    I rather stay single like Rachael , kind of enjoying this for the last while.
    Wanting something is a fantasy which on a long time period clouds your mind and makes you think you need it.

    Rayleen

  7. #7
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    My wife and I made Tinder accounts just to see what the big deal was (we have since deleted the app). At first I had male pics, got a few matches. Then I decided to switch my pictures to those of me dressed and lost all my matches and never got another match. The dating pool seems rough for an honest up-front CDer.

  8. #8
    mini kilted chick t-girlxsophie's Avatar
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    I guess I'm in the minority that got lucky meeting a supportive and understanding partner.Met my wife on a chat site,It wasnt really a hook up site we just got chatting and my user name made it clear what I was.Others took great pleasure in telling us it wouldn't work yet 12 years later were still together

    I honestly don't know the secret to finding an understanding partner,If I did I would be a millionaire and spreading the word

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  9. #9
    Member KatrinaK's Avatar
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    I definitely don't have a magic pill for you here Lexi, but I'll take you up on your offer and share the insights on the subject that I've learned from my wife, filtered through my own perspective.

    My wife is about as accepting as you can get, but she definitely doesn't jump up and down in excitement about it. It has however been a turn on for her at several points, though that's the exception to the rule.

    Couple of facts: my wife is a tomboy (an extremely feminine boho chic tomboy, but a tomboy,) and almost certainly bisexual. I think those two facts help tremendously. She brings the fact that she's always had strong tomboy inclinations up in with our gender therapist regularly as she explains that she tries to understand what I'm going though.

    Here's the crux: my wife has talked time and time again about "owning it." For instance: my wife enjoys us getting manicures together. But when we went out in public the first time and I was afraid of people seeing my painted fingernails.... MAJOR turnoff. Now that I'm not insecure about my painted fingernails... TURN ON. What I've learned from that is that any insecurities or lack of self-acceptance you have will be amplified 10x in your SO because it's not their burden to bear. Same thing happened with shaving my legs. She only was ever turned off by my insecurities about what other people would think of me.

    What I'm about to say next isn't going to be particularly popular, but it's very much the deep emotional side of OWNING IT. (those are her words not mine for how to stay married to her as a CD)

    Owning it is more than being comfortable dressing around her or going out in public with nail polish on my fingers. Owning it means having a mature emotional conversation with both yourself and her. I STRONGLY believe that crossdressing isn't a habit we pick up or a choice that we make. The urge to present as the opposite sex is borne from some degree of non-conforming gender identity or gender dysphoria. AND THAT'S OKAY. For me, it's mild, and expressing as a little genderfluid most of the time and fully bi-gender twice a month is enough. I have it good on the spectrum, but I'll admit that I'm on it. And in doing so, I can have a very serious, mature, conversation with my wife about that. We don't discuss crossdressing. We discuss my gender expression needs. It takes the kink out of it. If I had told me wife that I like to dress up as a woman without telling her that there are deep seeded reasons why I HAVE to do it, she would have left me already. Without a doubt.... because it's only telling her half the story and she's smart enough to see through that.

    I personally believe that most of us full-presentation crossdressers have some "owning it" to do when it comes to admitting, at least to ourselves, WHY we do it. And if we can't even admit to ourselves WHY we do it, how are we supposed to have a mature, transparent and honest discussion befitting the dignity of an intimate relationship with our SOs? Women are incredibly emotionally intelligent and empathetic creatures, and they can see through that in a heartbeat.

    My point is that it's a lot easier to have a mature conversation about gender identity than it is to have one about "dressing up."

    And Asew, I challenge you to put those pics back up as a non-binary or genderfluid looking for a woman. If you left yourself as a straight male, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
    Last edited by KatrinaK; 09-19-2018 at 09:41 PM.

  10. #10
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    For one I have always liked VERY androgynous guys that wear slight make up all the time and probably pants their nails . You know , Marc Bolan , David B , Even Rick Savage of Def Lep wears a lot of pink things in fancy fabric .
    Don't like Alphas at all , which probably sent me down this road in the first place .
    What I would need to know up FRONT is
    The truth
    How deep is this/ how much is involved ( for my own knowledge)
    Do you actually think you are a woman ( I am straight so that would not work . I can't deal with transition so its better to know that NOW )
    Or do you like women fine and this is something you do that you just like, feel better in, find is pretty etc .

    I have hoe'd very hard roads with 2 CD'ers and I would have to know these things straight up . They were not honest with THEMSELVES. I am not a mind reader . of course the one you all know best did not tell me for 3 years after we were married until I caught him , fancied himself as a 20 yr old Brazilian trans porn star = Nightmare for Dutchess.

    The other I adored but he wanted to be a woman even though he SO was not . It was the fakest thing I have ever seen - he talked like a baby doll when en femme . He'd been brutally manhandled my his overbearing MAN of a mom and a neighbor man that attacked him repeatedly in his teens and his was a very confused person - without a job . He died indirectly due to a heart attack from self administered hormones with no Dr supervision and yes there are many articles about that . Everywhere .

    Just be honest about everything , please, and yes you will get primarily answers from men who want to take a walk on the wild side . It drove my fetish cd'er crazy
    IG : Knightress Oxide

  11. #11
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Yes, women need to talk about the truth. If they know about it the both of you can deal with it. If you hide it and they find out they will wonder what else you are hiding.

    In my case I like women but like women's clothes because they just happen to fit my size 2 figure perfectly!
    A total 180 from the struggles to find age appropriate men's clothing that fits. If you are too small for 36S suit you are screwed!
    Last edited by Maid_Marion; 09-19-2018 at 10:04 PM.

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    Katrina, I agree.

    I half-heartedly (tongue in cheek) threw out a motto a while ago but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense:

    • Own it - meaning be willing to tell the world this is what you feel (being feminine). This is who I am and what I like to do occasionally. I like presenting as female in feminine clothes, fabrics, and colors. It's a part of me that needs expression. At times it oozes out of me. Like a moth to a flame. Irresistible.
    • Do it - dress up and be feminine.
    • Be it - go about your business as you feel the need. Have you ever watched GGs stroll through the mall. Eyes straight ahead, focused, and doing what they need to do with little concern for what others think - no apologies. Emulate that.


    When ever I've gone out in public like a mall, if I felt out of place like I shouldn't be there doing what I'm doing I've had a few odd looks. If I go out with confidence with no apologies, I rarely get a second look.
    Last edited by sweetdreams; 09-20-2018 at 12:27 AM.
    Why fit in when you were born to stand out? - Dr. Suess

  13. #13
    Member Anne E's Avatar
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    Hi Katrina,

    Thank you. I'll have to read that several more times, but I believe it's key.

    Best,
    Anne

  14. #14
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    It’s not like there are identifiable pockets of them in certain geographical areas.
    I’ve found several who have views ranging anywhere from tolerant to drag you home and come to momma.

    I found them by dressing up stylishly (women adore well put together outfits) and being out there. Eventually you catch their eye or they are bold and make the first move. It’s all for nought to me, in a relationship with a woman who accepts me as I am.

    But there are available women out there who want confident, glamourous dressers. As one female friend told me “it’s kind of erotic”.

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    The first thing for me to say is that you've got to be very, very lucky to find a partner, who not just accepts but embraces and enjoys us as we are. I have such a partner and consider myself to be incredibly fortunate. I grew up in the 70s before the internet and before social media. I'm sure that many here grew up at the same time. It was a time when the only exposure you got to cross dressing were the likes of Danny La Rue, Dick Emery and the like. It was a lonely world for someone who found that they were unstoppably compelled to wear their mother's clothes. But, I never felt that I was the only one doing this. I reasoned that there must be others out there doing it. I didn't know any, but I had to believe that there were. Then, as I got older the hormones kicked in and I started to have an interest in the opposite sex. I knew that at some point I wanted to meet someone, settle down and have a family life. It was important to me. And yet, I had this terrible secret. I knew that I wanted to dress and that I would always want to dress. The two things seemed incompatible, and to a large extent they may be, but, I had this massive belief inside of me, that, just as there are more people than me who dress, then there must be women out there who like it. OK, I accept that such a thought could be born out of the ignorance of youth, but I had never had a setback to counter this belief and so I held on to it, deeply and with conviction.

    I suppose what I am saying here in a different way, was, as has been said above, I owned my situation. I made myself understand who I was, what I did, and just as importantly, why I did it. When I was away at college I used the college library and read every single book and paper I could find on the subject. I also made it my responsibility to find an accepting partner. For me, it wasn't a case of meeting a partner and moving on from there, I had to try to stack the odds in my favour. Again the ignorance of youth, how was I to know that the odds were stacked up against me so monumentally? I was however, prepared to fail even though I knew this would mean a lifetime of loneliness, as I knew that my dressing was that important to me.

    And so I started dating. I knew the endpoint that I wanted and so had to construct my dating around that. I didn't form any relationships with people who I didn't think would be able to accept my dressing and only looked at those who I thought might be favourable. On the page this is coming out a bit harder and a bit colder than it was, but maybe that is how it was. I had one relationship that was heading along quite nicely but when I asked myself, the can I tell this person question, the answer came back, no, and so I ended it, gently and gracefully, but it didn't go further.

    And then I met my soulmate. And I mean my soulmate, now of over 30 years. And it became very evident from very early on that she would be accepting. This was helped by her saying things like "One of the problems I had with my former partner was that I wanted him to wear a dress and he wouldn't" or "I had a dream last night and you were wearing a skirt",
    "How did I look?"
    "Lovely"

    So, to be fair I felt that I was on fairly safe ground when I told her that I liked to cross dress. But the night I told her, I told her everything, there and then, I 'owned' it. I told her the full how and more importantly the why. I left no stone unturned, I left her no room for questions, but I had mentally prepared for this moment for many years, I had a plan and I stuck to it. And after we'd spoken for a couple of hours in the gathering September gloom, we went back and she gave me a skirt and a bra.

    As Katrina has said above, that really is the most important thing in all of this, you have to know yourself the what, and most importantly, the why and where you want it to go. And you have to be open, incredibly open, mostly to yourself, and that can be very hard, because the easiest person to lie to, is yourself, and if you can lie to yourself, then lying to a partner, well, that's easy. So, if the opportunity to form a new relationship is still open to you, you may have to be prepared to both move on and to accept failure and loneliness, but it can happen, just work it all out in your own mind first. Nobody said that any of this is easy.

    I know that the pool of accepting women is incredibly small and I thank my lucky stars every single day that when I jumped from 50,000 feet with no parachute strapped to my back, I was lucky enough, by some fluke to land right in the middle of it.

    And I suppose the sad thing is that there is nothing that we can do to change someone's mind about cross dressing. In the same way that we can't stop doing it, we can't make someone like it. I think that change can happen only in the longer term, in that there is a generation growing up now that has more knowledge and exposure to TG issues than when I was growing up. Society as a whole is shifting, GG are growing up knowing that we exist and that we're not monsters and so over time things (I hope) will change. It's just sad that many have to pay the price for the dark times in which we were raised.
    Last edited by Charlotte7; 09-20-2018 at 03:39 AM.

  16. #16
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    I have told this story before, before moving in with my now wife, I wrote her a letter and revealed that I had been a lifetime crossdresser and that was not going to change or stop. I laid out when I started, its evolution and where I was then. I answered the are you gay/bi-sexual questions. Did I want to transition. She went away for a couple of days, did research on crossdressing and came back and said OK I can do this. She has a background in psychology, so I think she was more willing to believe the statistics that most crossdresser aren't gay, etc. In that way I have been lucky. So I owned it early and haven't backed off.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member LaurenS's Avatar
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    That’s funny!!! Can I use it?!?!

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    SUPERB idea!

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Those points, especially the self-honesty, are important. It was a LONG time before I was not guilty/ashamed, so I couldn’t understand the issues myself. Certainly a risk for any partner interested in having a drama-free, foundationally strong relationship. I suspect that to be the norm, rather than the exception, unfortunately.

    I mean can one imagine how hard it would be to find a hetero crossdresser that understands precisely where they are on the tg spectrum, is comfortable and honest about that, AND has no other mental or emotional issues?!? Oh, and is otherwise an upstanding citizen?

    Say it with me now: Unicorn

    I don’t think that cders are any more likely to have mental issues, so don’t make that assumption to my hypothesis. I’m just saying that it is probably hard for a woman to find a non-cder without some sort of issue - manageable or not - then adding cding to it just seems like a checklist for a very rare individual.

    Speaking for myself, it all seems so clear now. Decided that a relationship is not worth the risk for me (on the “revealing part) and am happy having girl friends, not girlfriends, if you know what I mean.

    Great points, Dutches.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    GREAT points, Katrina.

    This post has hit the nail on the head. (Or at least it did for me, as I don’t comment much much, but especially this much on a single post.)

    The OP points about finding out precisely the feelings of ggs is spot on. CDing is by its very nature a selfish (for lack of a better word - or thesaurus) activity.

    Dutchess nails it to.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Aarrgghh.

    the forum somehow assumed that my 3 separate response should be combined together.

    anyways, this is a great topic and hope other ggs chime in.
    You are you. You are beautiful. Labels are worthless.

  18. #18
    Member Karen's Secret's Avatar
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    I think the simple reality is that virtually all women would not choose a partner who crossdresses. I think even most women who are in an accepting relationship with a crossdresser would, if being honest, still prefer their partner not be a crossdresser.

  19. #19
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    First of all find a partner that you love, all the better if she loves you too, I really think that is a must.

    If she agrees with your dressing you have found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  20. #20
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    I see only one problem with being up front before they get to know you. When you tell them you are a CD they can conjure up all sorts of deviate things that are wrong. We are not wrong we are no different than a normal guy that like soft things against his skin.
    I say this because while growing up I was the alpha male on the football team, ( had the oppurtunity to play college ball but blew it when I didn't want to follow the coaches rules)!the dare devil, even rode bulls and broncs in rodeos for a while.
    I had many girl friends because they like a beer drinking sweet talking cowboy who can also play a guitar and sing love ballads. I thought I had the world by the tail. I worked after losing my scholarship in the police field and put horse shoes on horses as a side job, and I was having fun doing what I wanted to do.
    Growing up I also had that hidden ( except from mom because she was ok with it ) desire to wear soft clothes that made me feel tender and pretty in. Loved the silks, hose, and loved trying to walk around in moms high heels. I always wanted lipstick and red fingernails, but the farm boys that were my gang would have beat me to a pulp if they all knew, thus the secret stayed inside me.
    I finally found the love of my life, got married, a steady job, and started raising a family. I still had that desire to dress and did in my wife's things then while she was at work. She caught me one day and said she knew I had been in her makeup. She wasn't mad but supported me but I had to promise the kids were to never know.
    They are all married now and live a distance away from us and so I told her I wanted to start dressing again. She started helping me and even thought it was fun buying Jaylyn gifts of hose makeup and even Christmas gowns that matched hers. When she got into her sixties she suddenly stop thinking it was ok. I quit doing it in front of her. I felt I was back to square one and that's were we still are I'm dressing when the urge hits when she is away. She is working because she grew tired of sitting at the house. I get to dress and I think ( I'm pretty sure ) she knows. So I'm in a DADT thing again. The opposite sex are just hard to figure out. One thing we should all know by now. You might be sitting all prettied up one day and the next day day they just say I've had enough.
    What I'm trying to say in a long way is even Alpha males get lost when a GG is involved. My wife proved she was very accepting even helping me with makeup and playing dress up with me to a complete cold turkey stop.
    With all this even if you find a GG that is accepting it can all blow up in a heart beat.

  21. #21
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    How could ANY dresser NOT understand why GG's don't date us?

    If u think dressing is a choice, THEN u can be confounded by women not being attracted to trans!

    Maybe u can try quitting to be with a woman? But, u either can't for long or u think about dressing constantly when u stop!
    Why would u think women r any different? They r attracted to who they r attracted to, period! It's NOT a choice.

    Straight women r attracted to men. Not men in dresses!

    Maybe u can find a gay woman who is attracted to u dressed? But then what? U don't have the rite parts!

    Don't over think it. Lots of women r cool with trans. But, NOT to date! If u find a woman who is attracted to u dressed? You've found a unicorn!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  22. #22
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    KatrinaK,
    Great post. We must have that conversation with ourselves first. I'm still trying to understand my need to dress and where my gender/sexuality fits into all this. And I hate the binary view that most of society subscribes to. My wife has accepted my CD side and we have talked about how we are forced to fit in certain pre-defined gender/sexuality roles. But I think we need to further explore where all this is going for us.
    Happygirl

  23. #23
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    The advice to come out to a woman "even before you start dating" is bad advice (and something I have never actually seen here). Here's why...
    Relationships don't just happen. They are built, over time. Were you to reveal such a personal thing at that point, you're setting conditions on the progress of the relationship before it's even started; "This is something you're going to have to accept about me...", is the the implicit message. While it is admirably frank, there's no way that this message can be interpreted as not self centered, and it's likely to torpedo the relationship before it starts. If one waits, on the other hand, for the relationship to mature to the point where it is clear to both parties that they are on the path to something deeper, "The Talk" can be honestly presented as something done because you value the relationship and don't want it tainted by deception.

  24. #24
    mini kilted chick t-girlxsophie's Avatar
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    My wife and I have a loving relationship,we always talk through any problems either of us may have,she was aware right away that I was a Crossdresser,but it was at least 4 month into our going out that she saw Sophie for the first time.If it was to have went badly at that point I'm pretty sure we would have solved any problems.But her acceptance and support has meant so very much to me we have been married 10 years and together 12

    I always take her feelings into consideration,And would never dream of taking advantage.I know by reading some posts here theres scepticism But Please believe it can work

    Sophie
    We look to Scotland,for all our Ideas of Civilisation-Voltaire

    ========================================

    A woman who loves to wear beautiful clothes is like a flower.
    A man who loves to emulate these women is a special flower-a rose
    Facebook:Sophie Johnson

  25. #25
    Member KatrinaK's Avatar
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    446
    One point I want to add is that I didn't advocate coming out to your SO before you get to know them. It has to be the right time and place, and you need to feel out the situation to make sure that there's even a remote chance that it will go well. There are certain things in life that not appropriate or required to advertise on the first date. This is one of them. It's a deeply private and personal trait that should be shared at the right moment. When that is is up to you to determine based on the nuances of your own relationship. The only thing that I know for certain is that the right moment is BEFORE marriage. Once my wife and I got engaged I felt that it was the time to tell her. So I did. I probably should have earlier, and she'll agree with that. She feels that the process would have been much easier on her if I had, and she assures me that she would have stayed in the relationship.

    My point about being upfront on dating sites stands though. If you list yourself as a Hetero Male and then put pics of you in a dress with full makeup, it's not going to fly... primarily because you're not going to end up in the right women's searches. There's 31 flavors of gender on those sites (for a reason) and if you're serious about reaching the right women, you need to be candid.

    Thanks for all the support on the concept of "owning it," my wife will be pleased to hear that has resonated with the community.

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