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Thread: Perhaps we're going about this in the wrong way. Re: Finding CD friendly women.

  1. #51
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Funmetoo2004, I feel the same way. I am tired and weary from spending money on dating sites, and nothing whatsoever happens,and you are so right. It is way too much energy wasted trying to date, , even for non crossdresser, and ad CD to it, well, at 64, I am sad that i never had a mate, but love the cats in my life. They do not have the OVERLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS most GGs have, and accept me as i am, for who i am. i am just tired.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  2. #52
    AKA Lexi Read only sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KatrinaK View Post
    my wife is a tomboy (an extremely feminine boho chic tomboy, but a tomboy,) and almost certainly bisexual. I think those two facts help tremendously.
    My ex was a tomboy, too; never interested in girl things, dressed jeans and a T shirt most of the time. I had supposed that someone like that, MIGHT understand a man feeling the reverse. Oh, how wrong I was. Even today, most women understand and accept the use of feminine taunts towards men as insults, essentially devaluing themselves as well, in the process. Every bisexual woman I've known wanted very feminine women, and very masculine men. Not some combination of the two.
    Here's the crux: my wife has talked time and time again about "owning it."
    Oh yes. CONFIDENCE. This is a well known, obvious display of alpha male behavior.
    I was afraid of people seeing my painted fingernails.... MAJOR turnoff.
    The OPPOSITE of alpha male confidence. We're not surprised at all that this is is a turn off. Insecurity in a male is also a turn off for most women. Just ask them.
    We discuss my gender expression needs. It takes the kink out of it. If I had told me wife that I like to dress up as a woman without telling her that there are deep seeded reasons why I HAVE to do it, she would have left me already.
    The deep seated reasons, are often the worst part. Some can accept kinky. Few can accept a man actually being feminine permanently.

    when it comes to admitting, at least to ourselves, WHY we do it. And if we can't even admit to ourselves WHY we do it, how are we supposed to have a mature, transparent and honest discussion befitting the dignity of an intimate relationship with our SOs?
    Few know why they do it. Most just chalk it up to 'I was born this way', even though they didn't crossdress for most of their early life. I think that for most, it's because of being brought up in an environment where being feminine in any way, was the worst possible thing for a boy to be, so they can't even admit it to themselves; so they don't even try to figure it out, as it might mean finding something that they absolutely, positively, cannot accept.
    Women are incredibly emotionally intelligent and empathetic
    It hasn't been observed to be generally helpful in accepting male crossdressing now, though, has it?
    My point is that it's a lot easier to have a mature conversation about gender identity than it is to have one about "dressing up."
    Oh, I don't know about that. Telling your mate that you're not 'all man' can seriously destroy the sexual attraction a woman has for you.
    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    Maybe u can find a gay woman who is attracted to u dressed? But then what? U don't have the rite parts!
    There are lots of videos on youtube, hot young crossdressers with their GG dates/mates. The emphasis is on 'HOT YOUNG'. There aren't a whole lot of women out there who find great big Shrek type guys in size XL dresses attractive in any way, and that's a substantial portion of the crossdressing population.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jean. Ann View Post
    I guess I am different , but I really absolutely. have
    no interest or desire be become romantically involved with
    an Unaccepting woman on a romantic level .
    You might change your mind about living with short term relationships once you've been alone for 20 years.
    There is someone out there for you if You look hard enough
    Odds are greater than 100:1. So you have to date 100 women in order to find the ONE that MIGHT be okay with crossdressing, then you have to find out if they're okay with YOU being crossdressed. Women's general idea of a crossdresser is the female impersonators in shows, and the drag queens, while, obviously not perfect, are generally able to pull off a decent appealing female appearance. Only about 1% of us can do that.
    Then you have to deal with all the other compatibility issues.
    Quote Originally Posted by Shelley_cd View Post
    When it comes to new relationships, everyone has 'issues', and I think by working to improve myself to the point that CD-ing is just one 'issue' with the relationship, and there are very few others, then a GG would be more likely to accept it, assuming that went with honesty and consideration, and a clear understanding of what CD-ing means to both parties.
    I'm among the (probably numerous) men here who are considered 'good catches' by women; I make good money, I dress well, I'm funny (or so I've been told), I'm polite, I'm considerate, I'm always more than willing to do everything a woman wants to sexually. I've been set up with numerous dates by women I know. And I'm betting there are a lot of other men like me as well. NONE OF THAT MATTERS. The 800 pound gorilla in the room is crossdressing. If a woman finds it a turn off, nothing else will matter, perhaps other than being rich (which will simply make her tolerate it, not like it).
    For those who do not have an understanding spouse, meeting with a good gender counselor helped both my wife and I gain a lot of understanding.
    It MIGHT help. But I caution you all, I think most of these therapists may suggest that your wife/mate joing support groups. And many of the more vocal women in those support groups just may make your mate thing that you're definitely transsexual. Once this thought is planted in her mind, you may not be able to get it out.
    Quote Originally Posted by AngelaYVR View Post
    It’s not like there are identifiable pockets of them in certain geographical areas.
    I’ve found several who have views ranging anywhere from tolerant to drag you home and come to momma.
    Few and far between.
    I found them by dressing up stylishly (women adore well put together outfits) and being out there.
    There aren't a whole lot of stylish giant crossdressers. I'm about the same height as Gabby Reece; but you'd never mistake me, for her, no matter what I wear.
    But there are available women out there who want confident, glamourous dressers. As one female friend told me “it’s kind of erotic”.
    Great! Where do we find her?
    Quote Originally Posted by LaurenS View Post
    I mean can one imagine how hard it would be to find a hetero crossdresser that understands precisely where they are on the tg spectrum, is comfortable and honest about that, AND has no other mental or emotional issues?!? Oh, and is otherwise an upstanding citizen?
    We're out here. OUR problem, is that even when we advertise ourselves, close to zero women show interest.
    The OP points about finding out precisely the feelings of ggs is spot on. CDing is by its very nature a selfish (for lack of a better word - or thesaurus) activity.
    No more than wearing any other type of clothes, is. For example, you could also say that any woman dressing to the nines is also selfish, because she's doing it with the desired result to be either or both attractive to others, or to make herself feel better. We just do it for the latter most of the time.
    Quote Originally Posted by LilSissyStevie View Post
    The way this issue is framed is all wrong, I think. The question shouldn't be "what can GGs do for me?" Instead, ask yourself what is it that you bring to the table? What does she get out of you being a crossdresser? The most likely answer is - nothing. In fact, you being a CD is probably going to be a liability.
    What do we get out of women wanting to talk endlessly about the same thing day after day? Nothing. The question becomes what are we willing to accept about each other. Outside of crossdressing, I bring plenty 'to the table'.
    Sometimes, I think that if I had it all to do over, I would have GG friends to hang out with and do stuff with but I'd leave the sex out of it. I wouldn't get married or even cohabitate and I would have gotten a vasectomy as soon as I was able. I love my children but being a father in this world has just been one long heartbreak. I think for the young CD that has to be something they seriously consider. Don't waste your life looking for unicorns. Do something productive. If a unicorn happens to find you, great. But don't expect it.
    ^this is not what most of us are looking for. Once hope is gone, there isn't much left. But more and more, I think just getting a dog is the best companion I can look forward to having. Ooooooooh; maybe be a dog walker for single women. I'm not sure exactly how to limit it to the opposite sex, though.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jean. Ann View Post
    I think sometimes we are not giving women credit for Their ability to understand and accept. It is all to easy to blame lack of success on CDing
    It is the main problem that we face. Women worldwide tolerate being beaten, living with losers, drunks, drug addicts, even to the point of being killed, rather than be with a crossdresser as a mate. It's that antithitical to what they want in a man, that they'd truly want pretty much anyone else, before us.
    The women are out there , if you want a relationship You have to get out there . Go to that bar Social Group etc.
    There are NO crossdresser/straight girl bars, clubs, or websites. The lone 'date a crossdresser' website is virtually entirely inhabited by men, most of whom list themselves as female, so a search is pointless.
    Many GG love to fix their girlfriends up with nice men
    Nice men who aren't crossdressers. Check out the crossdresser threads on the plenty of fish forums.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean View Post
    This may veer slightly off subject, but I want to add something. Everybody wants their wife/SO to go out with them
    Nope, not everyone. I have no desire to go out dressed up. I tried it, didn't find anything enjoyable about it, so, just no.

    This is all not about challenging everyone's opinions. But it is about the problems we face.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 09-27-2018 at 05:43 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  3. #53
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    The only personal experience that i have in this is what worked for me. I knew that I was transgender, I knew that dressing was important to me, I also wanted a partner. So, I actively set out looking for an accepting partner. For me it wasn't a case of meeting a girl, falling in love and hoping they were accepting, I wanted to tilt the odds in my favour. It was a case of meeting a girl and finding out, in non obvious ways what their attitude to having a transgender partner would be. Ok, this isn't easy without outing yourslef, but it's not impossible, though it does greatly reduce the available pool, and it does increase the chances of failure. You often have to fold and move on. But, we can't change who we are or what we do, it's what makes us, well, us. So, yes, perhaps some people do go about it the wrong way. Perhaps, and I would use my success as evidence in this, there is merit in putting ourselves first, thinking about what what we need from a partner and then actively going out to try and find one. I'm not talking about dating sites and the like, I'm talking about the normal boy meets girl scenarios. Fully accepting partners may be as rare as hens' teeth, but they are out there, as, in my case, 30+ happy years demonstrates. Also, as there are only about 1% of us in the population, we only need, a maximum of 1% of women to be accepting. In doing it this way at least your partner knows from the get go what kind of partner they have, there are no secrets, no recriminations and you can never be accused of being anything other than the man (and girl) she married.

  4. #54
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    Sometimes_miss,
    Wow, you paint a pretty grim picture for most of us. You do make good points. Wish we had more GG's to comment on this. I'm lucky to have an accepting wife who has known about this side of me since we were married. What do women really want?
    Happygirl

  5. #55
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Women are attracted to successful men or men that at least have potential to be successful. Hence, a confident crossdresser has a much better chance than one that lacks confidence. Confidence (alpha male perception) is attractive with at least 90% of women.

    But it sounds like the best route to take is to be deceiving from the start. Next, there's a perfect time to let the woman know that you're a CD. It has to be early in the development of the relationship to be as fair as possible. But also far along enough that it shouldn't be a deal breaker. If it is, start over by dating others.

    When you think about it no one is totally truthful during the initial dating process. And most people have secrets that they aren't gonna reveal without waterboarding!
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  6. #56
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    Whew! As much as I'd like it to not be true, sometimes_miss has pretty much spelled it out. I actually HAVE dated a woman who was very accepting in most every way. For that matter, my ex was pretty encouraging in the beginning. There are exceptions to every rule, but she pretty much sums it up. I do think it's a different world for those in high school or a little older now.

  7. #57
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    Judy - my wife and I are just two people living together. There were great times early in our marriage, but I had the same thing happen to me about how I ruin her life by not telling her. We have been married for 25 years. We are civil to each other. We have a 24 year old daughter that needs help. Intimacy has been gone for the past 8 years.

    Some days I wish I would have told her at the beginning of our relationship, but to come out to another individual scared the hell out of me. Should I have said something, yes.... When she did find out, she was accepting of it for a while...I was on cloud nine...but then it came crashing down.... I stopped dressing/purged for 5 years. Then I started back purchasing clothes again and dressing since i said to myself, "This is who I am, a guy that likes to dress in women's clothes."....

    I envy all the members of the forum that have understanding wives.

  8. #58
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Finding a mate is complicated at best- and at 67 and 32 years of marriage I feel very confident to say that loving the person you are with and being yourself fully are the twin pillars of enjoying life, and we only get one go around. I am also very confident that thoughtfully arranged marriages have just as much chance of succeeding well as romantic discoveries out on the town or reasonable choices made at church.

    We are not in danger of getting killed any more, most places, and in most places people understand gender variance. Therefore it is better to own your crossdressing, and focus on knowing who you are first with respect to crossdressing and everything else about you, and then being upfront about it all in the mate search.

    Finding a mate is like hitchhiking- you may wait a long time but the ride is coming!

    And in the meantime, even in the worse case, there are plenty of ways to love people you are with without getting married, and everyone who is out finds that people for the most part are fine with us, and we can have normal platonic love relationships. That is better than imprisonment in a marriage.You do not want to feel imprisoned by marriage. Anyone who is can attest to that.

    Part of our problem is that we have romantic notions of being sexually attractive as crossdressers, and that is a very low % option, since we need others who have similarly mixed gender signal wiring.

    But if we consider ourselves like any other outliers we have to simply admit we are just another variant human minority, and we will experience the same trouble [or is it really trouble?] with that as any other minority.

    Not feeling sorry for ourselves is essential. Haven't we noticed that we are attracted to any beaming person, even if they are x minority?
    We are all beautiful...!

  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by phili View Post
    Part of our problem is that we have romantic notions of being sexually attractive as crossdressers, and that is a very low % option, since we need others who have similarly mixed gender signal wiring.
    phili, I agree with everything that you say, but I've picked out the above quote as I think that it's the most important point that you make.

    We have to accept that we are cross dressers before anyone else can accept that and we have to, as has been running through this thread, own it. But, we shouldn't automatically assume that we are 'sexy' to others even if that is how we feel inwardly and it may even be our primary driver. As you say, if that is a motivation in finding a partner then it is a very low % option. At, at the end of the day, how many of us, are, if we considered it deeply, are more importantly truthfully, sexy? I know I'm not, but I don't have to be.

    Also, we have to bear in mind that the triggers that we may have, the things that motivate us, a pretty skirt, an attractively dressed woman, the feel of the material, all of these things, whilst they may be our triggers, they almost certainly aren't triggers for our other halves. For instance, we may be out and about and I may see a woman wearing a 'must have' skirt. Now, that person may be a trigger to me, I may find her, I may find her clothes 'sexy', I may (probably will) want to dress like her. But I don't expect my other half ever looks at another women on the street and thinks that they are sexy. She's not programmed that way. So, in many ways it's a non-starter. It's all about cutting cloth and making something out of it. It's might not be the prom dress you always wanted, it may just be an itchy tweed skirt, but better the tweed skirt than hairy breeks.

    For my partner, all I have to be is, me. What worked for me was being me, yes a cross dresser, but me and yes, the two things are inseparable,. I presented a WYSIWYG package. Which means that when I dress, I don't change in character or personality, well I do, but not completely, I leave enough of me there to be recognised as the person that she first met. At first it can be a difficult balance to pull off as there is the conflict with how far you want to push it and how far it's reasonable to go. I suppose that the best advice that I can give here is to say don't expect to be able to get all of your toys out from the dressing up box in the first week. It's very much like being a test pilot, push the envelope too much or too quickly and the greater likelihood is that you'll crash and burn. But, the envelope can be pushed, progress can be made, and over time, as you grow older together, as the years pass, the you are more the person that you are and less the person that she fell in love with. When it works, as in my case, you can move from the occasional bit of light dressing to having a whole wardrobe of your own and the ability to spend whole days at a time dressed, indeed, being dressed can be the norm. But, even having said all of that, to get it to fully work, you have to be very lucky and that, at the end of the day is a shame.

  10. #60
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    There are NO crossdresser/straight girl bars, clubs, or websites.
    I have CD friends that go out every weekend in small groups. They just go to Restaurant/bar venues that everyone else goes to. I don't think any of them are looking for dates, but they often dance with women that are attracted to them. That attraction may not be more than a novelty, but they are out meeting women in public places instead of sitting home feeling lonely.

    Find other CDs to go out with. Finding crossdresser/straight girl bars would be an unreasonable expectation so find other places to hang out. You may not find your dream girl but you'll at least have a little fun.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  11. #61
    Member KatrinaK's Avatar
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    Lexi, darling, you asked the question of those of us who are successful with our spouses. I answered with my experience and many others in my position agreed with me. If it’s of any interest to you I discussed this post in depth with my gender psychologist, and she was very much in agreement with my position.

    If you’re genuinely looking for answers I suggest you reread some of the advice you’ve been given with an open mind. If you’re just looking to argue, I’m not interested on this one. Too deeply personal.

  12. #62
    Nikki Windsor nikkiwindsor's Avatar
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    I told my wife about my feminine side when I preparing to ask for her hand in marriage. She accepted my marriage proposal with the understanding that I wouldn't dress up. I've explained in other threads how things worked for us. It hasn't always been easy but I was really wise in opening up to her before we got married. What amazes me each day is that she really does love me!
    Wearing my fuschia bodycon dress:
    http://imgur.com/6WkdAts
    For the first time, outdoors during the day:
    http://i.imgur.com/RmjIxbY.jpg

  13. #63
    Junior Member Susan Smokes's Avatar
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    I don't think there is anything we can do to make ourselves more acceptable. I just think it takes a special women to see past the dressing, and to be with us for who we really are. There are some crossdressers on this site, who were lucky enough to find that special women, but I think it is like finding a needle in a hay stack.

  14. #64
    Nikki Windsor nikkiwindsor's Avatar
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    My wife is rare and special and special to me
    Wearing my fuschia bodycon dress:
    http://imgur.com/6WkdAts
    For the first time, outdoors during the day:
    http://i.imgur.com/RmjIxbY.jpg

  15. #65
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    If I were dating I would say genderfluid on the dating site, or if it a chance meeting, do or say something to communicate that. Genderfluid is manageable, understandable, etc, and crossdressing as part of that is really not surprising or destabilizing. Coning out of nowhere and saying we have what basically sounds like a fetish for clothing is not going to win any one's confidence, as it is too oversimplified, as fetishes are. It means we are not part of a relationship any more.

    Women are people, seeking relationship, and want the best all around package they can get. But having room for their mate to be genderfluid is essential, and if that is true, the details TBA will be fine.

    and full communication are the basis of a good long term relationship, and concentrating on the fundamentals of the relationship is essential. Put yourself in the shoes of a woman- you want a man who appreciates you as you see yourself, and your conflicts, doubts, possible changes ahead, etc. Showing that to a woman, as opposed to simply posturing as a courting man does- seeing her best self image and wanting that- you will show that you are mature and sensitive and flexible. This is what we need from them as well!

    As a type of woman I can say it doesn't bother me if a man wants to put on my clothes and ... the question is what then- does he become far away and lost in a fantasy of objectification, or does he then behave more femininely, which I understand, and having seen both sides of him, I am not threatened by that. I am genderfluid too, so I can feel the ebb and flow of gender, and be able, as many women do, say that I want my man back enough of the time.

    So that leads us to love responsibiy, i.e. to know as best we can if we are genderfluid, or really TS to the point of not wanting to be a man anymore. This is hard for us to know, but when we do it seems we can admit it! But whatever we are, we need to show, not tell. Telling a woman about something she can't see isn't helpful, it is more like hiding it.

    Because most of us have been in the closet so long we can only understand relief by dressing up, and this ironically makes it about clothes rather than personality, which works against us in finding relationship. So if we can't just own our look and be out, the next best advice is to push our drab femme expression as far as we can while prospecting. IT is enough of a clue to warn off women who don't want to explore. In the 60s one pierced ear was a silent signal that a man was gay. Today, we can signal who we are without narrowing down our gate to be about our clothing desires. It is important to us, yes, but it is the tip of a genderfluid iceberg, and it is the iceberg we need to expose to become interesting partners for those who are themselves genderfluid, not the tip!

    Think of it this way- you meet a girl who is nice and interesting, but what she wants is to show you a pic of her 'packing' [simulating a penis to fill out her pants and show she has something down there]. Of course, you are sympathetic, but you would wonder whether this image is clouding her mind so much that is the first thing she wants to talk about. You wonder whether she has thought through how this might look to you as a suitor. Hmmm. Ok, she has issues, who doesn't. You might want to try to rescue her, or you might think, "Maybe I'll look around a bit more..."

    Now suppose you had just been on a week long mountain climbing expedition, and she surprised you by being one heck of a daredevil climber and saved you in a fall by quick thinking and technical expertise. You held her up, too, and you followed her lead. You admitted being cold and she did too. You have begun to notice her strong hands and her easygoing camaraderie- her jokes and her stories about being the youngest child in a family and a bit of an outcast. She asks a lot of questions about you and asks about your feelings about things in a very sweet way.

    Now how do you feel when she is showing you pics of her life, and then pauses, before the last one, and says, 'here is something that I do sometimes..., ready? ' and looks at you with trust, and the peace of sharing with someone with whom you have a common set of bonds and emotional give and take.
    We are all beautiful...!

  16. #66
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    To be BLUNT, the more attractive CD's when dressed will have a better chance of getting an excepting mate and the pretty/more passable the easier it is and will be..

    I met women at makeup shows, nail shows sephora's,Mac cosmetics and more while i was dressed.

    I use to meet many women on Craigslist, back page and more using T4W,W4T and W4W.

    I know pretty CD's and TS that have women all over them,chasing them.

    A women once told me she like someone who is committed to the lifestyle. Meaning things like getting FFS ,breast implants and body modification.
    Last edited by traciethetg; 10-05-2018 at 01:07 PM.

  17. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    What can we do to make ourselves more acceptable? (other than winning the lottery, of course, as that's not really a plan).
    Begin a relationship with someone. If the two of you develop feelings that are true - if there is mutual caring and respect, even if it hasn't yet progressed to falling in love, then the chances are greater IMO that she'll want to work with the CDing than if she doesn't know you at all. If she has gotten to the point of caring, then she will have seen positives in you that will perhaps overcome any strange feelings she may initially have about the CDing. But, if you tell a stranger who hasn't had time to develop any feelings for you, there will be nothing to countermand any negative feelings she may have about the CDing.

    Here's the next step, if you do find someone willing to work with the CDing. BALANCE. Your relationship can't be all about the CDing all the time. Now if you do feel the need to dress like a woman all or most of the time, then you'll need a GG who is OK with being with someone who dresses all the time ... which is like finding a GG who is OK with transition. They are gems if you can find them but I think they are rare.

    Quote Originally Posted by phili View Post
    If I were dating I would say genderfluid on the dating site, or if it a chance meeting, do or say something to communicate that.
    How does one communicate gender-fluid, other than say one likes to present partially or fully as the gender opposite than sex. Just curious. Because in my experience, personality traits and emotions are not gendered. Both men and women experience the full spectrum.
    Reine

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    To traciethetg. The only thing I/we know about you is your Birthday, but your experience sounds fantastic.
    Please do tell us more about yourself. It should be great reading!

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