Chicken-or-the-egg question re: intimacy issues between CDers with unsupportive SO's

[Leslie Langford]

Not conducting a scientific poll here per se, but just curious...

For those of us out there with unaccepting or unsupportive (i.e. DADT) wives or SO's and whose sex lives are either unfulfilling or now non-existent, which came first?...

- Your intimacy and/or sex life with your partner deteriorated appalling over the years because of her non-acceptance and on-going tensions over your crossdressing, or

- Your crossdressing activities increased in direct proportion to the increased non-acceptance of your partner and the corresponding loss of intimacy as a kind of substitute (proxy girlfriend?), or

- A combination of the two

As for myself, I would probably put myself in the third category.

Of course, if we were "real" men, all of this would likely be a moot point, and we would simply have cheated on our wives or SO's, which is what the average "real" man with no other options would tend to do.

[Robertacd]

Of course, if we were "real" men, all of this would likely be a moot point, and we would simply have cheated on our wives or SO's, which is what the average "real" man with no other options would tend to do.

No, if we were "real men" we would force ourselves onto our partners, because a wife is not allowed to say no to her husband, specially when it comes to sex.

Anyway my situation is one of somewhat reluctant acceptance. Our sex life has decreased a lot over the years, it probably peaked in our 30's.

But I can't say definitively that my dressing had anything to do with it.

I can say that getting a vasectomy seemed to have some strange effect on my wife. As soon after she no longer wanted me to ejaculate inside her.

Figure that one out...

[DaisyLawrence]

But I can say that getting a vasectomy seemed to have some strange effect on my wife. As soon after she no longer wanted me to ejaculate inside her.

Figure that one out...

Seems like a waste of a perfectly good vasectomy Roberta.

[Allisa]

Leslie and I hesitate to say this,if we were "real" men we wouldn't wear panties and dresses.O.K. let the inquisition begin.

[Rhonda Jean]

Mine might be a little different. Fits the first scenario better. Deteriorated over time, certainly, but with a different twist.

Not to be boringly repetitive, but... Married 3 decades, she knew before we were married. had long hair, shaved and all that from the get go.

I waited for her to initiate about 90% of the time. Figured since I was always ready it made sense for her to let me know when she was. I always wore an nightgown or something sexy (in my mind, anyway). When she first was getting sick of it all, the first thing she started doing was demanding that I "get this off!" Then things could proceed. Next thing was she didn't want my hair hanging down on her or touching her in any way. Thought I solved this by twisting my hair up into a bun on the back of my head. It looked like I had short hair, and unless she reached back there and felt the bun, I thought it could pass for short hair. First thing she'd do is reach around intentionally feel of or grab the damn bun.

I still thought I was making progress, so I started sleeping in a T-shirt (and panties, but they're just underwear after all) and putting my hair in a bun anytime I even thought it might be headed that way. Next thing, "I can't stand the shaved legs and the shaved chest! I feel like I'm having sex with a woman!" So, for the first time since I was a teenager, I quit shaving. I hated it, but I was trying. First time we try anything after I quit shaving... "OMG! You've got stubble all over! Just shave!"

It finally deteriorated to the point that we'd try and she'd end up pushing me away. "It's like having sex with a woman! I'm not a lesbian!" I ask her what it is exactly. "Is it the hair? I put it in a bun! It's not the nightgown. I'm wearing a T-shirt. I tried not shaving and before it got grown out past the point of being stubble-ly you told me to shave. What is it?" She says, "I can't explain it. It's not just that stuff. It's more than that. You're just a woman. It's just the way you are and you can't get away from it!"

I'll admit that part of me was saying "Hey, that's awesome! I can't get rid of it! I'm a woman no matter how I dress!" So, yea, that was pretty cool until she moved out and served me with divorce papers.

[EllieOPKS]

I guess I am yet another category. Since my wife has no knowledge of my cross dressing what so ever. Our sex life slowly became non existent over a period of years. She just has no interest. My libido continues to be very strong. I will never cheat on my wife with another woman, but I don't feel like I am cheating on her if a guy or another cross dresser takes an interest in me. I love to dress up and take the role of a submissive woman. I don't know if my CD needs have become stronger or if I am just more comfortable in my own skin now.

[ClosetED]

I would say #1, but Rhonda's story hits home - sex was good for the 20 years she accepted hose/heels on occasion at bedtime. Then she demanded I stop, which lasted 18 months, and sex was a bit less, then DADT and first ask for divorce still less. When she tried accept and let me model clothes, then see me with wig,and then pictures, as she could see more of Ellen, the less desire she had. She said that she then could only see Ellen, not matter how masculine I presented. To me, that is like saying I can only see heads on a coin, even with the tail side up. I do understand how having sex with another woman is not how she is wired. But she imagines that no matter what I look like now. She did try to imagine I was horribly disfigured in an accident, could she still love me? But the accident made me pretty, not ugly. She asked Ellen come to bed, but she could not tolerate a touch or a small peck on the cheek - she would prefer to be raped.
Now a "real man" might have forced himself on her, or beat her. But I am just too kind and caring of her feelings - one of the parts of this that she doesn't appreciate.
Hugs, Ellen

[GracieRose]

I chalk up the decreased interest to menopause.

[DaisyLawrence]

A known medical fact GracieRose.

[Rhonda Jean]

But I am just too kind and caring of her feelings - one of the parts of this that she doesn't appreciate.

I think you've hit on something (else), but I'm speculating. If it's not the clothes, the hair, the shaved body... What is it that made her feel like she was having sex with a woman? Can't get the image out of her head? Possibly. I have racked my brain trying to figure it out. I think it is intangible. I think there must be something about the way we (I) do it that is intrinsically feminine, and I have no idea what it is. I do it the only way I know how, and I can only imagine that I must do it in a feminine way. Particularly since I almost always waited for her to initiate, I probably seemed passive or submissive. Caring and thoughtful became passive, submissive, feminine. Then again, I could be all wrong.

[Teresa]

Leslie,
Maybe you missed one out , Incombatible sexually ! The dressing issue never entered into the problem . While it has raised comments in the past on the forum , my wife and I both agree if it wasn't for my dressing needs I would have gone off and had affairs . She asked on more than one occasion why I hadn't done so . Even the thought of my dressing keeping me faithful didn't make much difference to it being accepted .

My dressing had to evolve initmacy or lack of it didn't change that need .

Gracie,
I didn't really notice that much difference before and after , but after all intimacy stopped , maybe then Cding became a good excuse .

[Tina Davis]

I don't believe that my dressing has had any effect on our intimacy (or lack thereof). After her menopause, we have had fewer and fewer times that we both are "in the mood" for it. We still love each other, but I don't know if we will ever have sex again. This has increased my desire to dress but it is not for sexual reasons (which is the way I started so many years ago). I shave my legs regularly, and my body occasionally, and she doesn't notice (or doesn't say anything). I do miss the intimacy but I will never turn elsewhere for it.

[Rachael Leigh]

While I was never great with intimacy it did decline when my dressing got stronger or when I just could not surpress any
longer. Also accepting myself as trans that also began the decline of my marriage. And yes it bothers me that this is true
as I just wish I could have just kept it surpressed

[alwayshave]

Leslie, with my ex-wife who knew nothing about my dressing, sex dwindled because she did not want it. Her only query about sex during our marriage was when did I think I would be impotent and not want it anymore. When viagra came on the market she was madder than a wet hen saying there should be a law against such a product.

[Lacey New]

My wife does not know about my dressing but sex in our life has declined simply because of age. She’s past menopause, I have been diagnosed with low T. I really don’t thing that my dressing has had anything to do wjitmour sex life. I don’t dress any more or less than I used to because it was always simply,opportunistic and still is.

[Stacy Darling]

I can only state that would a beautiful person such as myself wish to make love to someone so unaccepting, NO!

Which came first? The non acceptance!

[Raychel]

For sure the lack of intimacy rekindled the crossdressing desire for me.

Very long story, Marriage was never great, Always some huge issues.
Then as the intimacy went away. The marriage got worse.
The crossdressing was a time when I could step away from the stresses of life
and just relax in the way I feel most comfortable

Now we are separated. And I can just enjoy life as it should be.

[Judy-Somthing]

My wife knew a little about me dabbling with woman's clothes with friends prior to marriage and on a bunch of Halloweens.
She didn't know about me dressing up behind her back.
With the intimacy and/or sex being great and having children the urge to dress faded away for over twenty years.

If you noticed my photos are from 79 to about 83 then no photos for thirty years.

About fifteen years ago when menopause hit it seemed like over night the intimacy and/or sex life went from once a week to once every six weeks.
Of course it lead to arguments and she would say "there is more to live than sex" which made things even worse, like only once every three months.

I think the lack of intimacy and/or sex is why cross-dressing is coming back strong.

I'm not saying lack of intimacy due to menopause is her fault, but when her doctor asks her "how her love life is" she always says it's fine.

[kimdl93]

My wife attributed her waning desire to menopause, but when we split she squarely blamed my cross dressing for curbing her desire. To use her words, she no longer saw me the same way. She wanted sex, but not with me.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i guess i was never the greatest lover in the world, before i came out to my wife over 7 years ago (married for 27 yrs at that point)
our sex life was not very good. Since i came out to her we are still best friends, but she has lost respect for me as a man and husband.
i only wish i had come out to her much earlier in our marriage so she could have had the choice to divorce me and find a "real" man.

[JeanTG]

Four words: a pause from men... i.e. menopause. Yes, when she started to pull back due to menopause, my desire to dress went through the roof. If I can't be male in all aspects, I easily and happily revert to female which I consider my main identity. Now I've stopped dressing to maintain the peace. But I sure do miss it. We are still sexually active but much less frequently, and in spite of considerable ED on my part. But I know she's doing it as a "reward" for not dressing, and not because she wants to. Frankly, I'd be willing to stop sex in exchange for the ability to dress openly and frequently. Too chicken to ask. But if the idea came from her...

[Judy-Somthing]

What is a "real man" anyway?
Maybe my wife would be happier if I was an alcoholic, cheater, control freak, etc.

If your to nice they don't like that either. Some of my friends cheated on their spouses for years.

I should try harder to be like Mr Rogers. I'm pretty sure he wasn't into dresses.

[Shayla]

We were in deep DADT and I had quashed it pretty well for several years. The intimacy went first and the desire to dress returned after a LONG hiatus, and with a vengence- not just lingerie anymore! I did not put the two together as a possibility but after reading this chain, it seems many of us got further into or returned to dressing when our partners lost their desire for us. Could be coincidence or a different cause altogether, but something to consider. I can also echo that when the desire to dress came back, and included makeup and wigs, my wife was clear that she would not see me dressed, as that would negatively affect her opinion of/attraction to me. Separation not long after, although that would have likely happened without the dressing as well.

[Becky Blue]

I dont fit into any of the above categories but do feel that I can contribute to the thread by summarising my story...
I have told my wife very little about Becky, the little she does know has made no difference to a very active sex life... a BIG part of what has helped make an active sex life is the intimacy that developed after Becky emerged... discovering that I had a strong F side helped put me a lot more in touch with my emotions and as a result become a much better husband, which in turn increased intimacy, which led to a vastly improved sex life.. ironic hey!

I do agree with the Menopause posts above... most women have a much lower sex drive during or after menopause.. Most not all...

[Traci H]

I have thought long and hard about this issue in recent years. My wife lost all desire or need for sex or intimacy it seemed once she reach the mid-fifties. In actuality, she holds some issue that occurred on a vacation against me, or so she says. I apparently was not sympathetic to an injury she had, that precluded her from partaking in our vacation like I had hoped she would. There is some truth to that, however, in reality, that seems foolish to hold something like that against someone you love and not have sex and do so for years!

I am not sure that my dressing influenced this as I had put it away for a good five years before that, virtually not doing anything that was related to dressing, although she does not seem to see it that way.

My wife has gotten quite heavy, drinks too much, and talks about getting in shape, but always fails to act on it. I am sure she is somewhat embarrassed about her body at this point, and with menopause heaped on top, all involvement stopped. I long to be intimate yet, as those times really brought us together. I just don't see it happening. I do think that an active sex life would somewhat diminish my need to indulge in dressing. At this point, I think it serves as an alternative sometimes.

I find the whole issue quite concerning and complicated. We just do not talk about it, as it never goes well. I would like to seek counseling, but any one I have selected it not right for my wife, and she just refuses to act. Life is just grand sometimes.