Having Urges to be sexual with men

[ellbee]

I can only speak for myself, but it wasn't the attraction of men, per se -- but the attraction of taking on the female role in a romantic & sexual relationship!


And even when the right guy (for this) came along at the right time in my life, I still figuratively kicked & screamed & dragged my feet (which apparently inadvertently made him want me even more )... Until I finally succumbed to his persistence.


We were co-workers at first, and soon became friends, even outside of work. He left the company, but we continued our friendship. He was openly gay, something like 12 years my senior, and in a committed relationship with another guy for like 15 years -- with no plans of ever leaving. Theirs was a bit of an open relationship, at least on my lover's side, but it was more of a DADT situation from his partner's view. As long as they were safe & used protection, were pretty discreet about it, and he didn't go running off with someone else, then his partner was okay with it. I don't believe I was his first mistress, nor do I believe I was his last.


Anyway, while I valued our friendship & had gained much from it, it wasn't like I was necessarily physically attracted to him (or any other guy), like I could be to certain GG's. When he had started turning up his sexual prowess more & more, and I began resigning myself to the fact that he'd probably eventually be taking my "other" virginity, I was pretty much like, "Eh, he's not that bad, really. I suppose he could do, for something like this."

In hindsight, I had probably used him as much as he used me, ya know? And I believe we're both fine with that fact.


For the record, I was *always* fully dolled-up during our intimate experiences. Otherwise, it was a no-go, on my end. Heck, before any of that ever started, usually I'd hang out with him while en-femme. Sometimes a bit dressy, sometimes business casual, and oftentimes dressy casual... Pretty much depending on how I was feeling at the time, or what we might be doing, or the day/time/weather, etc. He was always a great dresser no matter what, so me stepping up my own game was almost a must! Though as much as I did it for him, I also did it for myself, too. I mean, what girl *wouldn't* jump at the opportunity to primp & preen herself?!?

And I suppose at some point, when we didn't feel like chilling at his beautiful & spacious home while his partner was away, our one-on-one outings eventually turned out to be more like dates... And yes, I'd be fully en-femme, on the arm of a guy who was now my boyfriend. So, it was only natural for me to start acting like a girlfriend!

Of course, I wasn't. In reality, I was his mistress. Big difference, LOL. But again, I had no real qualms with that, at the end of the day. Sure, when he eventually started slowly calling it off after a while, I was heart-broken at the time. I wanted to keep going, but he didn't. Certainly understandable, from his view. I believe he was feeling guilty for the whole cheating thing.


If I could do it over again, I'd probably want someone who was unattached (considering I was, as well). And also a wee bit more on the "straight" side of things. And also taller. Hope I'm not being too picky?

No, I seriously don't believe I'll ever do something like that again. Don't get me wrong: It was awesome! I'm very happy I went through all that, to see what it's like "on the other side"... And not even just physically, but mentally & emotionally. Was it technically gay sex in a gay relationship, at least to an outside observer? Yep! But while going through it, it internally felt much more like a hetero relationship... And I got to be the GG!


And yes, we "did things" in all kinds of ways & places & positions, LOL. But as mentioned, I was always all dolled-up, and I always took on the traditional female role. And finally, after like a year or so after our last intimate experience, I did get tested for *everything* -- just to be sure, especially prior to any new potential romantic relationship. Happy to report that I passed with flying colors.



Anyway, is this something for everyone? Probably not. This was my own personal journey (which I could probably write an entire book about, LOL). And honestly, I think I would have been kicking myself for the rest of my life if I *hadn't* gone through it. I say that, because now "I know." Not only do I now know what it's like, and that I no longer have this gnawing curiosity eating away at me -- but it's also confirmed that I *much* prefer to be in that kind of relationship with a GG!

Again, it was an amazing time in my life, no doubt. Taking on the female role in a romantic/sexual relationship with a guy has taught me so much when it comes to all this stuff. I now have a much better understanding of what GG's can go through, of what not to do as a guy, and more important, what *definitely* to do!


Finally, I sometimes wonder what if he *hadn't* already been in a long-term committed relationship with somebody else. How would have my life possibly turned out differently? Would ours become a serious & long-term committed relationship?? I probably wouldn't have been fully happy with that, in the long run. Would I have stuck around to try to make it work? Would I eventually wander off, seeking another male partner? Again, I wouldn't have been happy with that, either. Would I have tried to go back to GG's, after that? Or simply stuck with trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole?

I also wonder if I hadn't jumped at this opportunity at the time, and instead stuck with GG's... Would I have this same gnawing curiosity, even after 10 or 20 years into a hetero marriage? What would I do about it *then*?? And how would it potentially affect *that* relationship, regardless?


Fortunately, things happened just the way they were supposed to, in my case. Others may not be so lucky.

Be open to stuff, if you're able to, sure. But also tread very carefully, friends...