Keeping the Secret

[Joannie]

I know most of you don't keep your dressing a secret, but in my life it is best. My wife tolerates some of my dressing at home, but I do not have a social network around me that would be very accepting. But I am overwhelmed buy the desire to tell someone, share this with a close friend. I have a couple times tried to let strangers see that I dress, but I am not sure if that is just for the thrill, or a desperate reach. I know someone reading this must have gone through similar feelings?

Thanks, Joannie

[Sallee]

find a support group or if not that see a therapist. You can go in drab them and then tell your secret and they will be accepting

[Shayla]

Agreed. A therapist would be a good choice, someone who understands gender non-conformity. Totally confidential And you health insurance may pay for it.

[Stephanie47]

It has been stated many times of this forum; Once the Genie is out of the bottle she cannot be put back in. Risk v Reward. My wife is not accepting of my desire to wear women's clothing. I do not push it on her. I respect her declination. I think there is always a good possibility these desires to shout from the roof tops and proclaim oneself is due to the desire to be accepted for who we are. Even when a wife "tolerates" some limited dressing at home that may not be sufficient. "Tolerate" is really a negative emotion. If a wife was accepting, but, expresses a need for discretion because of the negative consequences of "coming out" I would find that to be way more than "tolerance."

If you're out en femme running errands and someone does not recognize you as a man wearing women's clothing is that a self proclaimed victory. That is not acceptance for who you are, but, an acknowledgement you are stealthy. If you're recognized as a man wearing a dress and there is absolutely total acceptance, and, normal conversation goes on, then is that acceptance? You may perceive it as acceptance, but, you really do not know how the person feels.

I suspect many have not fully accepted themselves and this drive to 'out' oneself is really a validate themselves. Decades ago when my wife and I had "The Talk" there were no support groups I knew of or could locate. I did find a telephone number in a newspaper. I called it and found this "hot line" was rude and crude. Absolutely no training on how to handle the issue. I was just happy they were not a suicide hotline. I did call a therapist listed in the telephone book, a woman, and, had a pleasant chat about my issues. I think she was somewhat intrigued to have a cross dresser call her. My biggest issue in the early 1980's was my own non acceptance. I almost begged my wife to buy me panties for my birthday. We did go to a local Mervyn's. It was a total disaster for her. I think she felt the entire world knew we were there for me. A live broadcast on public television. "Man and wife buying panties for him!" I finally realized I was engaging in spousal mental abuse. If I could not validate myself, then, forget seeking validation from others. I sat down and thought over a long period of time that in any other respect I was the guy my wife always wanted. This little quirk was my personal thing which I have come to accept on my own terms.

The only thing I will say is think before you leap. Risk v reward. Unintended consequences. There's a lot of push on this site for everyone to just get out there and do it! Sounds almost like it should be a crossdressing Nike commercial for high heels.

I do believe finding a support group is a viable solution for gaining self acceptance with limited potential negative consequences.

[carhill2mn]

I fully understand your feeling about wanting to share your dressing desires and activities with others. I had those feelings for years but, luckily never acted on them. Unless there s a very compelling reason that you need to share, my advice is to not do it. As the old saying goes: once a bell has been rung, it cannot be unrung. One never knows how others will react to your "news". It is a calculated risk.

[sometimes_miss]

We all want to be loved for what we truly are. And knowing the odds of others liking someone who's a crossdresser, it's pretty common for us to be hesitant to tell, well, ANYONE. I don't know the answer to this. The few I've told either were horrified, or simply slowly cut off social contact with me. And with still having a major problem trusting any male, that leaves me with, well, no one.

[Fran in skirts]

Until we fully accept who we are and what we do acceptance from others will never come. We must first do a complete soul search of our reasons for wanting to wear different styles of clothing that normally is not worn by men.

We must ask ourselves:

1. Why are we doing this?

2. Will this make us happy?

3. Who will it hurt?

4. Will it hurt me?

5. What are the social effects of my dressing on my life?

These questions and more will need to be answered before you can accept yourself and allow others to accept you.

I fully accept who I am and so I am accepted as a man in a dress or skirt by all those who matter to me. As for those who don't matter wither they accept me or not is their problem and I don't waste my time worrying about it.

Happy Dressing,

Fran

[Bobbi46]

Keeping a secret is all very well and good but if it becomes a burden then something has to be done about it. I don't think therapy is the answer for a start it costs a lot of money and at the end of it a solution might not have been reached.
I had this dilemma couple of years ago and confided in a friend who when I explained what i di she said "oh you're a crossdresser" and that was that we had an open discussion, I did not loose a friend and all was good.
but on the other hand to choose a friend to tell to just to get it off your mind is alright if they can keep it to themselves its when it gets passed on to others and then comes back to nearest and dearest ones who did not know then that is when life gets awkaward.
Many here have said and I herald that all the way, if there is no need to tell the don't because it can go wrong, in my case it did not but I am one of the few lucky ones, in my case it could have gone horribly wrong in the small community that I live within.
With everything i think it is a cas of "Be Careful".

[April T]

I've seen a sex therapist on a couple of occasions. Not sure that it has really helped but I am going a few more times. I've thought about going to the therapist dressed but that just seems crazy!

[phili]

I do not have a social network around me that would be very accepting. But I am overwhelmed buy the desire to tell someone, share this with a close friend. I have a couple times tried to let strangers see that I dress, but I am not sure if that is just for the thrill, or a desperate reach.

I think an awful lot of us do keep it a secret, and the loneliness is unbearable, which is why we are desperate. For me tentatively sharing the fact with someone was helpful, since the sky didn't fall. But actually breaking out and testing the waters with the general public, with whom I didn't have a pre-existing relationship, was very fearful beforehand, and then very easy and oh so natural, which was a thrill. turned out to be surprisingly easy, felt natural,and thrilling because it felt natural. The sexual thrill that had been a big part of it for me faded almost instantly, which was another surprise. I just wanted to be out.

That was all by way of saying that the thrill and the desperation are entwined, and a result of being bottled up. This Forum is for sharing with each other safely, the things we can't share in our personal lives, so you are in the right place.

[Micki_Finn]

I fully understand the need to socialize. It seems pretty common amongst girls here on the forum. I’m in a similar situation. Wife was OK with it at least, but didn’t really feel like I had any friends who I felt safe opening up to.

If you’re reading this post, it also means you are staring at a GREAT resource. There are dozens, of not hundreds of girls on this site, many of whom would enjoy finding someone to share their dressing with as well. Build yourself a new social circle if your old one wasn’t good enough! I’ve made at least one very good friend here, and I’m rather excited that I get to meet another tomorrow.

[Beverley Sims]

I think we all have to some degree, I would find a support group to share your feelings with others.

[Kelli_cd]

I'm very open with the sales associates when I go shopping. It's strange to be so open with a complete stranger, yet I can't bring myself to have similar discussions with my wife.
The associate, I'm sure, makes a judgment (internally), then accepts me at face value. Why shouldn't I expect the same from my wife?

[Lacey New]

I’m in the closet to everyone including my wife. Oh, there are a few sales associate who I’m sure have guessed that the size 42 bra or slip was for me and of course,trying on dresses at Dress Barn is a giveaway. And yes, I have often thought that it would be great to talk face to face with a supportive person but so far, I have contented myself with this forum and anonymous friends here online.

[alwayshave]

I am out to my wife and all of you. However, I keep my extended family and others out of the loop. They simply do not need to know.

[Ressie]

It might appear that most CDs are out of the closet but most are not. I understand the desire to tell someone but telling just one person could start a chain reaction. Since your wife knows at least you don't have the secret bottle up inside.

I was out with a couple of my friends from high school last night and I'm not gonna tell them I cross dress. They might pick up a clue here and there which is OK. I'm not gonna tell my brother, neighbors or coworkers either. The thought of coming out goes thru my mind sometimes, but I don't think it's a good idea in my case.

However, I have found CD friends on this site in my area. We've met in person, we have a support group and we've gone places dressed. Maybe I'm lucky to live in a good area. The only areas that seem to lack other CDs are those with very small populations.

Coming out to everyone is important if you feel the need to dress in public all the time. That would be from strong GD or actually being in the TS category. Most CDs don't have those feelings. I know CDs that go out dressed very often but they still keep it a secret from those in their regular male life.

[laurenchanning]

There is a Ben Franklin quote about this: "Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead." That being said, I'll bet someone already knows...if the head of the CIA couldn't keep his extramarital affair secret, what hope is there for the rest of us? I'm grateful to have found this online community to deal with the loneliness that's inherent with being a closeted CD.

Lauren

[Alice Torn]

Since i started dressing fully occasionally, in 2005, I struggled with the desire to tell some people. I did tell a former landlady friend, who saw me as Alicei in person after i told her. She was a physically challenged lady, and she had a former roomer, who dressed fully. She was a little surprised, but ok. I then wrote a letter to a lawyer friend of mine, who i did some cleaning for. Heis an old bachelor, and i tooka chance, and sent photos and a letter to him. Later, i found he was not pleased with it, but after a year or so, i called him, and apologized for pushing it on him. We never discussed it again. Then, i sent photos and a letter to another older lady i rented a room from. She was NOT OK with it! I then told a lady in the church, and she was tolerant, but not accepting of it, and both those ladies told a few other people i know well, and they were not OK with it, either. I did tell a woman therapist at the VA, and she was fine with it. I noticed a few other veterans that were at the VA clinic in drag. She told me there was a veterans transgender support group in Madison Wi. I may try to go to it sometime, after talking with the person who heads it. It is mostly transexuals, though. I do not want to go al the way to SRS at all now. My dressing is limited, and very occasional now. I have not dresser all the way, for a few months. I almost told my only older sister, a number of years ago, but good thing i did not!! One of my older brothers moved back, and he would have found out, and told my other brothers and would have made my life even much harder!! I suspect that they may suspect something i going on with me though, and i hope they have not come across some photos of me somewhere on the web. I am very cautious about telling anyone now. I have joked with some people about saying, i look better in drag, than some GGs!

[Shely]

I think a lot of us would like to have a little more recognition of this desire to show off our cloths. I have been out few times and think about it lot. I think a lot of us would be out a lot more if we had the courage. It is a thrill to dress and go OUT! I am fully dressed right now and would go out except it's Sunday and lots of people I know are out of work today. My car is easily picked out on the street. Secrets are hard to keep!

[Aunt Kelly]

First of all, there is a big difference between "letting strangers see" that you dress, and being out to people you know. There certainly are girls here who have an exhibitionist streak, wherein it seems to be all about being seen. If that's what does it for you, the answer is simple, stay closeted to those within your personal and professional sphere.

There are others here who have a deeper need to go out and interact while presenting en femme. For them, again, there is little to recommend coming out to anyone who might be in a position to negatively impact their life.

For still others, there's no choice. Obviously, the question is moot for our TS sisters who've transitioned, but this side of that, every one of us is different. It can be hard to sort out where we stand or what we need when it comes to our relationship with family, friends, and the workplace.

Shelly has made an excellent suggestion; seek out a therapist who can help you sort this out. If you live in an urban area, odds are that there is a sizable TG community. Get in touch with it. Start with the support group, as Sallee suggests. The perspective others is often very helpful.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[docrobbysherry]

Once u squeeze the toothpaste out u can't ever put it back!

If u wish to come out, tell people u dress. If u don't? Don't! I'm a closet dresser who goes out a lot. But, I only tell people on a need to know basis.

[~Renee~]

I fully understand the need to socialize. It seems pretty common amongst girls here on the forum. .....

If you’re reading this post, it also means you are staring at a GREAT resource. There are dozens, of not hundreds of girls on this site, many of whom would enjoy finding someone to share their dressing with as well. Build yourself a new social circle if your old one wasn’t good enough!.....

+1 on this ... Being able to converse in these forums, PM, and emails has done wonders for my need for socializing and acceptance. You can't find a more accepting crowd in the world then right here. I'm so much better for joining, reaching out, and responding. Your new social circle is an email away.

[Rachelakld]

We all need to connect.
As you also need to keep the secret, then tell it to a therapist or find an out of town group.

For me, connecting started by going to a very early opening coffee shop far away dressed pretty, just me, staff and one or two other customers.

[Paige Dehart]

Joannie, As an accepting wife I kept my SO's secret for 20 years and, yes it was hard to have no one to talk to so, I can understand your desire to tell.
I made it clear to my SO that if she wanted more people to know it was up to her to decide who and when since it would be her life that would be impacted the most. She is currently out to our oldest granddaughter (21 yo), three out of four of our children, as well as my Mom and my younger sister. As for me, well it has made my life easier because if I want to I now have people to talk to.

My advice to you is that you need to do a deep assessment of why you want to tell and what you expect to gain from it. Just remember you can't take back the words once they are said and after they are out you no longer have total control of who knows.

Hugs, Paige

[Krisi]

I know most of you don't keep your dressing a secret, ……………………….

I think most of us do keep our dressing a secret. Many of us from everyone but in some cases, only our wives know about it. In most cases, our wives can be trusted to keep the secret because if it got out, it would be uncomfortable for them.

My thought is, for most of us, it's best to tell only those who need to know. That would be a wife of course, and perhaps parents if they live in the same house with us. Friends and co-workers don't need to know and in most cases, can't be trusted with such an important secret.

There are some folks on this forum whose dressing is out in the open. That's fine if it works for them but as someone else posted, once it's out of the bag it can't be put back in.

Think long and hard before you tell anyone you like to dress up in women's clothes.