FEAR! Got some?

[Wildaboutheels]

Can fear of going out into the RW "dressed" be conquered in just ONE simple step? Well, probably not, but any and every little incentive helps does it not?

Of course this thread IS aimed at those wanting/wishing to escape their homes and closets. Absolutely nothing at all wrong with those happily in the closet.

"The early bird gets the worm".

T or F?

Who knows.

The early CDer, on the other hand clearly has a huge advantage. IF they prefer to be as stealthy as possible.. Arrive at most any mall, park bench, Starbucks etc., early, when they first open and you can plop yourself down, SITTING and observing and your chances of being "busted" go down dramitically. Bury your nose in a book or magazine for an extra layer of stealth.

So what is holding you back?

[Beverley Sims]

I encourage all who are starting out to get your appearance right and try to blend into the populace.

Christmas is good because everyone is looking at decorations and what's for sale, the people around do not matter in the hustle of Christmas shopping.

[Teresa]

Bev,
Are you suggesting to really blend in this time of the year we go dressed as Xmas trees ?? Interesting thought !

[Charlotte7]

Can fear of going out into the RW "dressed" be conquered in just ONE simple step? Well, probably not, but any and every little incentive helps does it not?

I thnik that you're correct, it's probably not a single step, for me there were three steps. But regardless of the number of steps, the incremental way I think is the best way, and it worked for me.

Firstly, I started wearing ladies' jeans. This can be a simple step as they really do look like men's jeans so (unless you're the kind of person who wouldn't ordinarily be seen in jeans) it's a relatively easy step to take. On taking this step when you realise that the world doesn't fall about your ears you can start to add to it, maybe a women's top worn under a jumper or a coat, there are all sorts of ways that you can increase the amount of women's clothes that you are wearing outside, without really changing the way that you look or, just as importantly, how those out and about look at you. I know that a lot here would say that dressing in this way isn't for them, they're an all or nothing girl, but you have to remember that when you do this, you're on a path with an end goal in sight. At this stage it isn't about dressing, it about getting to a position where you're both ready and happy to go outside.

Of course, the second step is to take this to the extreme and go out and about wearing only ladies' clothes. Yes, depending on the weather you can have a normal coat as a security blanket, and you can wear ordinary shoes, this isn't a time for heels. But the point is that this is an easy (if anything is easy, and yes, this can actually be hard to do), way to be outside, among people, fully dressed and yet no one would begin to think (provided that you have chosesn your wardrobe carefully and well) that you are a man wearing women's clothes. Yes, I know that you want to be the girl outside and this is all about getting to that point. This is about getting to that stage where just being outside wearing women's clothes is a normal everyday thing.

The comes the big hurdle. This hurdle is massive and should only be crossed, according to my scheme, when you are happy in stage 2. This hurdle that has to be crossed finally is the six inches of grey matter betweeen your ears. Yes, it's all in the mind from now on. You see, if you have been outside in women's clothes a number of times, and nothing has happened then you can take the next step and this is to go outside in an unequivocally female manner. How you present at this time is up to you, but the most successful way is to look at what women your own age and background where you want to go out are dressed and dress just like them. You can use a bit of psycology here to stack the odds in your favour, as our brains are set to recognise the unusual and largely ignore the usual. If you dress to fit in then most people simply will not see you, or how you dress.

A knid of anloagoy of hwo thsi wroks is gvien by tihs setnance in taht it is qutie redaable yte hrrobly mistpyed. You see your brain wants to survive, more than anything in the world your brain wants to survive so to do that it wants to be always ready to cope with the next threat, so it's lazy and does as little work as possible. Actually, it's not lazy, it's efficient and it uses as little energy as possible to do those things that it doesn't need to worry about. And one thing it doesn't need to worry about it taking a long close look at people who aren't posing a threat.

This then is the final challenge to get out and about dressed fully and openly. But, in my experience, having done the first two steps, there was one fianl hurdle, that six inch hurdle, that I had to overcome. I had to accept that when I go outside, due to the body I have been given, and to some extent how I have looked after it for these fifty plus years, that I would not pass, passing for me isn't really an option, but blending is and the method of blending which I have adopted, the one that works for me, is hiding in plain sight. But, also, in doing that, I have to accpet that there will be people out there who know that I am (by their terms of reference) a man dressed as a woman (me I'm a genderfluid individual expressing all my gender range), the trick is, the way to cross the final hurdle is simply to just not care about that and get on a do it, but that's not easy for some. And of course, care, personal safety and any impact that this might have on your life moving forwards has to be considered too. But in my case this was all outweighed by me, simply being me and now I'm on the outside of the fence I can look back to others and (with the zeal of a reformed smoker) I can say "What's holding you back?"

[Helen_Highwater]

Wildaboutheels,

So you're out and about, you get chatting with someone say in a cafe and they introduce themselves as "Nice to meet you , I'm Helen". How do you respond? If you have a femme name please let us know it.

Back to the post. There is no one right, there are possibly wrong, ways to get out there. Each of us is in out own unique situation. There will undoubtedly be commonalities but at the end of the day each will do what best suits them.

Tools and techniques for venturing out have been discussed many times. For me the important things to remember are;

Forget passing. As Beverley says blending is the thing to aim for. Sure you can seek to be as convincing as you can be but the trick is to be like all those around you and hide in plain sight.

The world is not going to be hunting you down. Behave like everyone else, try to be confident and own your space. Don't unnecessarily seek eye contact, don't avoid it either.

Know that the first time you step out fully enfemme it will be scary. Butterflies will have jet packs on, nerves will be on edge, but that will pass and be replaced with a growing sense of calm, perhaps even a little elation.

Going out has enriched my life immensely. It'sgiven me some of my most treasured memories.

So what is holding you back?

[DaisyLawrence]

Forget passing. As Beverley says blending is the thing to aim for.

This is good advise, or is it? I'm not so sure.

If you dress just for fun and not for gender identity purposes then that blending approach may be good advise for you, or not, it's all about personal taste. However, I'm going to ignore hobby dressers here and concentrate on those that have accepted their transgender status for what it is. Now then, as a transgender individual do you identity as a transexual woman? If the answer is 'yes I do' then passing is no doubt your goal and blending is the least you want to achieve. If the answer is 'no I don't, I'm something else' then is this blend blend blend mantra really all that useful? The OP (Wildaboutheels) makes no attempt to blend as female and yet lives a happy 'out' life all the same. Phili is another that makes no attempt to blend and there are many many more. Myself, I spend most of my time androgenously presented as the 'non-binary' person I consider myself to be. I have no difficulties whatsoever with this presentation, ever. I've been watching Lydiannes wonderful videos recently and I see a fabulously over-dressed person looking classier than anyone else walking around town, no attempt to blend here. Does she pass? Who knows, frankly who cares. Yes it must draw the attention of onlookers just as a stunning well dressed GG would but what I see is Lydianne being Lydianne and loving every minute of it.

Passing, blending? Just be who you are folks and, as the OP says, what is holding you back?

[Princess Chantal]

Awesome post Daisy.

[Leslie Mary S]

Nope I'm not going to go out into the General Populace. Going to be much more selective than that.

[Charlotte7]

Passing, blending? Just be who you are folks and, as the OP says, what is holding you back?

The answer to the question that Daisy asks is actually in the title of the thread: Fear. That's what holds many of us back, plain simple fear. I was scared for years and years of anyone finding out my secret, so much so that I didn't just bury it away inside me but I buried myself away in the depths of the house. To me, then, even the thought that someone might look in at a window and see me and KNOW THAT I WAS A CROSSDRESSER was more than I could cope with.

The strange thing about all this, in my case, was that I knew what I was, I knew, and I accpeted that I was transgender, I knew that I wasn't likely to want to transition, I knew that I was made up from two parts, I had no fear of being thought homosexual. I can now see that I'd done much of the work but I hadn't done the hard bit at the end. It was like I was taking part in the Grand National in Liverpool, that I'd covered 4 miles of ground and crossed 39 fences, All I had left to do was jump the final fence and then travel up the run in to the winning line. But that last fence was (to me) the biggest, taller, wider and more thorny that any of the 39 I had already cleared. And yet, I couldn't make myself jump it. I was happy in the nether world between fences 39 and 40. I didn't have to jump the last fence, I could stay where I was. Jumping the fence was a step that I was too scared to take and so I didn't take it.

And that is what I think that keeps most people inside, fear of the unknown. The OP asked the question, can this be conquered in a single step, well the answer can be yes, if that step is making the unknown, known.

Me, I now have to say that perhaps, I wish I'd jumped a little earlier, but I wasn't ready, now, I just love life on the outside.

[DaisyLawrence]

I wish I'd jumped a little earlier, but I wasn't ready, now, I just love life on the outside.

So folks, as you read these wonderful threads, can you feel that final fence that Charlotte refers to getting just that little bit lower? Can you see the grass on the other side of the fence yet? It may just be greener you know.

[Di]

Great post and advice encouraging those who want to go out!
I do know some content and happy not to go out and it’s a private thing for them .
It’s not a race and I love what Daisy said
Just be who you are folks!

[MonicaPVD]

It has been my experience that you can only overcome fear head on. I have been able to work through the terror of being outed while in a public place. Has never happened. Recently, I have gone as far as going to the local malls during peak hours and have walked passed many people who know me. Guess what? Nothing happened. They were either lost in their own minds, on their phones or maybe I was just another nondescript woman of hundreds.

[Tracii G]

Monica thats the same thing I have had happen.
Walked right past people I knew even my daughter and her husband one time so if people know you they aren't looking for you enfemme.
They see a woman they don't know nothing more so I think blending and passing do go hand in hand sometimes.

PS
The problem I have is when a closet or home/hobby dresser tries to keep someone from going out because of their own fears.
If one is trans going out is almost a given and a"right of passage"so to speak.

[Karmen]

First time is always the hardest. Just go out in the evening or at night if you live in safe area. It's much easier to overcome the fear of being seen or recognised when is dark and less people around. If you have a CD friend, it's even better, because you don't have to go out alone and is less stressful. Wear a long wig and glasses even if you don't wear them normally and lots of make up. It will give you some additional comfort of hiding "behind the mask".

[susann_gardener]

Actually, I got out last evening. I had spent several hours getting dressed just right and doing my makeup. Several times doing my makeup. Decided to go for a drive, it was late at night, so not much worry there. Well, as happens, I was driving near a rest stop and nature called. So, throwing caution to the wind, I stopped, walked to the lady's room, entered a stall, sat and did what I had to. Washed my hands (one other lady there) and left. Wow, nothing happened!

[MonicaPVD]

Tracii. So true!!! Here's the thing for newbies: when you are starting out, study what regular women wear on an average outing. If you go shopping in a little cocktail dress, wearing tons of makeup, big hair or 6" heels all eyes will be on you. There isn't anything wrong with that but you will be noticed and scrutinized by passers by. The more unasumming you are, the easier it is to "pass."

[Helen_Highwater]

Forget passing. As Beverley says blending is the thing to aim for.

This is good advise, or is it? I'm not so sure.

Passing, blending? Just be who you are folks and, as the OP says, what is holding you back?

Daisy,

You are of course absolutely correct in that we should be who we are. That said I think we have to recognise what is reality for most starting out and that overcoming those fears is as Charlotte puts it, is a hurdle to be jumped.

There are a few, a very few, souls who can go from zero to hero in one giant leap. To put on whatever they feel comfortable in and simply step out into the wide world. For us lesser mortals it's a much slower process. A bit of trial and error, a gathering of experience, feeling our way forward. You're not going to get someone who is utterly focused on being able to pass before stepping out to suddenly throw all caution to the wind and march into the bright glare of the public's gaze.

As you know I wrote a few days ago about dining out one evening and being perhaps being more smartly dressed that any GG in the restaurant. Nothing outrageous, just a blue lace dress and kitten heels. I didn't blend but I wasn't outrageously dressed either but I've the luxury of being out and about many times. I've garnered that level of confidence over time to enable me to do that.

If we ask others to follow where we've led then we have to have realistic expectations of what most people are capable of undertaking. Once someone finds their feet and has the confidence to go for it then do what you will. Push that envelope. Until then the important thing for those starting out is to do so without trauma, to feel safe and definitely not fall at the first fence because of attempting too much, too soon.

[Alice Torn]

My first time out was in 2005. I got a motel room in a town far from my residence, and was terrified, as there were a bunch of young people in the next morel room! I got dressed, put male clothes and coat over my dress, and took a bag with wig in. Stopped a few hundred yards away in the parking lot, and changed , but very nervous. Put on the wig, and drove to a grocery store, and got out and just walked around some, not going in. Then drove and got gas, and was watched by a woman some. Then went to another gas station, got more, then parked and changed back, went to my motel, and several young people were outside and talked to me. I am sure they sensed something odd, so I just got back in to my room. The next night, went out to another town, and a cop pulled me over after I had been walking around the town, and they had been watching my every move. They wanted to know what I was up to late at nigh alone, and also my driving was erratic. I told them like it was, and they told me to go get some sleep! Scary. The next day, went to other cities, and walked a lot, got some yells from a truck, and one man with kids, parked next to my car, and had a dead battery! He reluctantly asked me for a jump start, which I said ye. He then told his kids to not look! Some scary moments. I do not dress near as often now, and very seldom go out, as other more important issues am dealing with. I have gone out about 20 times total in 13 years, and was a bit easier but still always have butterflies on steroids, as I am almost seven feet tall in high heels, and easy to notice just for my size, even in guy mode! Being cautious and planning well, is advised. Fear is normal.

[char GG]

Good responses. The one thing I noticed in my SO's social group was that the CDers going out for the first time had that look like they were "guilty of something". Eyes darting around like they were afraid but perhaps wanting to be noticed. The look of fear was on their faces. If you look suspicious in this day and age, you will be clocked. Better to just smile, be friendly, you have a right to be in the general population. Probably really hard if you are new to this but it will get easier. Don't call unwanted attention to yourself by dressing outrageous (at the mall or library), be nice and polite. (Don't act like you just stuffed your bra full of stolen merchandise, (teasing here).)

[Lydianne]

He then told his kids to not look! Some scary moments.

Oh, Wow! . . There was the fear, and then there was this! .

The thought of having parents see me approaching and make a visible motion to defend their children was beyond terrifying . It was probably my 4th outing when I faced my first children-scenarios. The most difficult one was a mother with a child on a footpath, and me approaching from a path to the side. The child ran past in front of me, I joined their path, and the mother was behind me. I tried to keep cool, got past the child, no reaction! Thank goodness! .

( I appreciate the kind words that have gone before. Thank you! ).

- Lydianne.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a closet/hobby dresser. Which means I don't dress near where I live. But, I go out a lot to T friendly venues. So, no one who knows Robert knows about Sherry! Few that know Sherry know my personal details!

I try to avoid dressing to vanilla venues. Even tho I've been out in them zillions of times I get nervous and stressed!

I'm 75 and according to blenders I should go out in old maid outfits. But, I don't like how I look in loose, granny gear!

I don't see the point in both getting stressed by going out dressed and being ashamed of my looks, too!

[Teresa]

Helen,
I must admit I did just that , when I moved into my new home , being by myself I had a string of jobs to do . I just bit the bullet dressed got my makeup on and set off in the car . The first morning I did B&Q, Sainsburys , Halfords, Aldi and the GP surgery to register with them , there may have been more. Was it more scary than my first deep dive on my scuba course I'm not sure . As Daisy points out some of us will adopt a different style of dress , I want to integrate so dressed how I felt worked . As she goes on to say some do like to dress to attract attention , well I deal with that need by going out to my social groups , to me I'm living a fairly authentic life as many women would do . Will my transition go any further I truthfully can't say but I'm so happy just living it as Teresa .

Sherry,
No one is saying you have to go out in an old maid's outfit , your needs aren't unique but very different to the ones like me who want to live an authentic female lifestyle . I don't feel stressed at all , truthfully I haven't even when I started to fully come out last February , it just feels right , I'm so comfortable with it .

Char,
Perfectly true , I discovered very quickly to stop checking over my shoulder for a reaction , now I don't even think about it , the less you look for a reaction the less you will receive one .

[fun4metoo2004]

I did it this Halloween with the right outfit, and professional makeup artist. I had no issues. If I could do my own makeup and not look like a train wreck, I would do this more often now that I know I pulled it off.

[Helen_Highwater]

Alice, Lydianne,

Yep being in the presence of parents and children can cause angst. Perents are quite rightly protective of their offspring. That's not to say there can't be positive outcomes.

I've written before of being out one day and needing to pee. Nearby was one of these automated pay to pee toilets. Stood outside was a mom with a 5'ish year old daughter. Mom was fiddling in her purse trying to find the 20p needed for the toilet.

I could see she was struggling so I offered her the money. She in turn offered me what change she had but I said not to worry I understood what it's like when your child needs to go.

Mom then turned to her daughter, who was looking at me slightly bemused, and said,"Thank the nice lady for giving us the money".

Well the outcome was neither of us got to use the loo. It automatically stopped operating at 17:00 and now it was a few minutes past.

Dealing with children can be one of our gtreatest fears. I've had several encounters over time and to date all have been positives. True the kids have looked at me obviously not sure who(or what) they're faced with but kind adults have steered them in the right direction.

I must admit that still teenagers are the one group of people that I expect to get comments from. However that said it's yet to happen. Imature giggles yes but so far nothing else. Perhaps this is a good example of a fear that's unjustified.

[lucy_miller]

I had become use to being out for a few hours in a hotel environment at night, no more than bar drink and dinner but hadn't managed to go out, out so I forced myself to, which was a big step but worked and I've been happy ever since.

Forced in this case was one night after dinner I packed up my male options and went out and putting them in the car boot, only dresses or skirts left so no option to even half dress. Thus as Hall and Oates once sang 'When the morning comes' I had to bravely dress to face the day in what was available. Going for breakfast was the hardest part but as the day wore on I realised as others have said that no one seemed to notice, or if they did it wasn't an issue.

Good luck all
Lucy