Four weeks ago tomorrow, during a session with my therapist (whom I've been seeing for several weeks), I used the term "transsexual" in reference to myself for the first time. I'd been answering her questions, listening to her observations, sharing thoughts and feelings, for weeks. As we worked through things, I began to see the gender dysphoria for what it was, something long suppressed, and the suppression for what it was doing - making me and those closest to me unhappy. As I finished that sentence, she just sat there, looking at me and smiling. I think I said something like "What?" in response to her silence. I don't remember her exact words, but they were to the effect of lobbing the ball right back into my court. I shared that that was the first time to call myself TS. From there, the floodgates kinda just opened up. I talked about all the things that had so recently come into focus, the almost lifelong envy of the things women share, the ease which I have always felt in their company, ...and the rapidly sharpening need to pursue changes. Again, her exact words escape me but they were the professional equivalent of "Well, duh!"

So, apparently, I'd tipped my hand well before that day.

Since then, we've talked about my plans. It seems like that was a discussion intended to assess my commitment or sincerity, and satisfying that, the practicality of those plans - my grasp of the huge impact of those plans. Fortunately, I have several TS friends, here and in real life, who have shown me what it means to be TS, the good and the bad, what works and what does not, how we're all different in the challenges we face and how we face them. For that, I am deeply grateful. Providence has truly smiled on me in this regard, and in another even more important way....

A week ago, I shared all of this with my wife. I hadn't intended to, but she can read my like a book sometimes. She knew that I'd been seeing the therapist, and had been delighted at the changes she was seeing in me, changes that she'd seen before, when Kelly was more "present", for lack of a better term. So she knew what was coming almost as surely as I dreaded sharing it. Keep in mind that she's always been accepting of my CD'ing, but this was going to be ... quite something else. I needn't have worried. We talked about all of it, and she promised to support me any way she could, and assured me that we would work through this together. My wife's best friend is a mental health professional, and knows about me. My wife's own therapist does two. Apparently, the three of them has seen this coming too. I told my wife, "You could've said something!" She was, of course, wise enough to let me find my own way to who I really am. I am truly blessed.

I have no illusions about the practical reality that lies ahead. I have taken the first serious step already - my first electrolysis session was today, but the journey will be a long one, requiring patience and determination. Social transition will have to wait until a change in my career status (retirement or a position with a "safe" employer). There will come a time when what little family I am still in touch with will have to know. Some of them, and some of my friends will have a hard time with it. While that prospect pains me, I know that I must not let it affect my resolve. All I can do is use the abundant meantime I have to find ways to make it easier for them. I don't know what that looks like, but it's something I must try to do.

Again, thank you to the wonderful ladies here who have my guides and mentors.

Biggest Hugs,


Kelly


P.S. - I fell asleep at least three times during my 90 minute electro session today. Yes, those zaps smart a bit, but the whole time I was in this comfortable place - a place where I finally know the direction I go from here.