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Thread: Confused

  1. #1
    Junior Member Carolina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Madrid, Spain


    As I posted in the general MTF forum, last night I went out as Carolina for the first time. I got catcalled (as a compliment or as a joke, Iíll never know). I was terrified, but elated at the same time. I donít want to stand out and get catcalls (although if that was a compliment I wouldnít mind it). Iíd love to be a woman who can pass, be part of the crowd like anyone else. Was my skirt too short last night? Should I be even more conservative looking to just pass? Could this be my life from now on? Am I ready to ditch my life as I know it and embark on a new path altogether?

    My terror last night is nothing compared to the one I feel when I see what I need to do to become who I think I really am. Iím in the early stages of therapy to help me with my confusion, doing laser on my beard, doing professional mani pedis and waxing my legs. I love all of that, have zero regrets and couldnít be happier with it. But I also have a wife, college kids and a good job in finance in a highly conservative firm. Thus confusion, confusion all over the place. I dream of HRT down the line and FFS sooner rather than later. Are those all dreams? I wish my therapy sessions lasted longer...

  2. #2
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    SW England
    take your time to find out, discover safe places to be, pace step by step every person who is important to you.
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  3. #3
    Senior Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Hi, Carolina.
    Pamela's right. Take your time to find out. Be certain, before you proceed with anything irreversible or that could put at risk those things you value (wife, kids, career).

    Your use of the term "pass" does give me pause. For me, at least, it has never about passing, even before my rather recent ...realization about my nature. It is about being who I really am. Yes, I have always believed in the value of "blending", not nearly so much because I want to escape notice as because I want to be seen and treated like any other woman in whatever venue we're in. I "pass" as a man. I'm really good at it, but it's not who I want to be. I don't "pass" as a woman, but that's who I am, so it doesn't much matter. Oh, of course it will be more challenging, and I am having to make tradeoffs for the sake of my livelihood and the financial security of my wife and I. Those plans have been a significant part of the discourse with my therapist. You should expect to have similar discussions if you find that you truly need to proceed with the path you are wondering about. It starts to "get real" pretty quickly if/when you do.

    Neither I, nor anyone here, can give you the answers. We are all different and we all walk a different path. Those paths are ours alone to navigate, which is not to say that we must do so alone. You've enlisted the help of someone who can shed some light on that path, both in front and behind. You'll need to look at both from time to time to find out where you stand.

    Good luck to you.



  4. #4
    Junior Member Carolina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Madrid, Spain
    Thank you both for the wise advice to take it step by step. I definitely need to do that.

    I was so extremely happy as Carolina walking down the streets as a woman that the following day I went back out, this time entirely on my own. I just loved walking the streets feeling like a woman and not raising any eyebrows (that I could see). I walked for over an hour in my heels in the crowded streets loving every second of it. Now I find myself daydreaming at the office thinking about those moments when Carolina was real.

    My longing to pass I guess comes from my need to conform to what is expected of me from an early age. I was expected to excel at school and at boy’s sports, so I did. Expected to marry, have kids, a good career, and be successful. Check all that. But something has been missing all along, Carolina. As Carolina I guess I also long to comform, to be a woman, to be accepted as one. May not be rational but I also want to excel at being Carolina and getting acceptance in the form of passing may be a validation of Carolina.

    As you can tell my therapist has a lot of work ahead of her...

    Thanks again for your advice and experience, really appreciated!

  5. #5
    Member KymberlyOct's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Hi Carolina - Most of us that have transitioned were in the same place as you are. It is both scary and exciting at the same time. Things that you plan now will look much different in the near future. How you proceed on this journey will be different than everyone else in some ways and very similar in others.

    One thing I can promise is that it will be different than you think it will be. From both my own experience and everyone I know both online and in real life the one constant is that this journey keeps changing as you find the road to your real self.

    Best advice - be honest with yourself. Ask yourself - why do I want (fill in the blank). What is making me feel this way? A therapist is not to give you answers. A therapist is to help you find them for yourself.

    Most of all be kind and honest both to yourself and with people in your life.

    I was about to close my computer and re-read your last post one more time. The need to pass or desire to pass is a real Pandora's box. Many of us on this site and in the trans community could go on long discussions or even rants on that topic. I am one major offender LOL.

    I am not going to open that discussion here rather I would advise you to discuss the desire to pass with your therapist and where it is coming from. It will probably be an eye opening exploration, and a tough but rewarding one.
    Last edited by KymberlyOct; 10-16-2018 at 11:02 PM. Reason: Additional thought

  6. #6
    Senior Member faltenrock's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Carolina, I do have a few thoughts that you might consider.

    I love going out as a woman, I love all the beautiful female clothes. I've been going out extensively for many years.
    Like you, I also thought how great it would be to be a woman as a permanent state and gender.

    However, I found out, that it is enough for me to go out for a day, even up to four or five days in a row, just being Doreen the whole time.
    The truth I found for MYSELF is, I like to switch back to guy mode after these days. I don't want to be a womanthe whole time, as I'm happy as a man, father and husband too.

    What I'm trying to say to you is, take your time, those decisions take a lot of time, sometimes years or decades to make sure there is no mistake being made.

    I recommend to go out more in the future to find out for yourself, the answer will probably come by experience and your time out as Carolina.

  7. #7
    Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    It is very difficult to "pass." It is a lot like stroke recovery in which you need to retrain the brain to walk and talk again. Many people regain a lot of functionality, but it is very rare to find someone who appears completely normal after having a brain bleed that results in paralysis. That is just too much work, so people are usually satisfied with a lower level of functionality. Older people, particularly those with family to take care of them, may make very little effort to walk again.
    Last edited by Maid_Marion; Yesterday at 06:56 AM.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Teresa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    You have a good figure so your choice of clothes is easier , I've checked your age so when you start going out regularly you may need to consider your choice more carefully , being catcalled isn't something you want to happen on a regular basis , as you say you want integrate into society . Also you may have to give up on the notion you will pass , none of us do 100% there are always telltale signs .

    As others have said don't try and rush things , deal with one aspect at a time . If transition is going to happen then going out on a regular basis has to be done comfortably and with confidence . So getting the basics right are important , if you wear a wig get some professional advice , if you wear makeup get a skin colour check done and find out how to do basic makeup for everyday . Keep an eye on what GGs are wearing in your age group so you can dress appropriately .

    To ditch your life and embark on a different one may be difficult with a wife and kids at college , they depend on you so you'll have to consider them when making your decisions .
    Last edited by Teresa; Yesterday at 02:05 PM.
    The real me ,no going back.

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