Fear of losing my career keeps me from transitioning

[Jesskm]

I'm so scared of losing everything. I have a decent career in IT, and don't want to risk losing it because of a transition.

I struggle like heck, even currently as a cis-male when it comes to interviewing for new positions. Prior to my current role, I was unemployed for a year because I couldn't find a job. Then earlier this year, things got rocky at my job and I though I was going to get laid off again. 9 months, 10 phone interviews, and 2 face-to-face interviews later, I'm still at my current job. It was a humbling experience to know that even in this "hot" job market, a cis white male still struggles with employment. I can't even imagine having to do this while trans.

I have no Plan B, no side hustle, no family support, nothing. It's a huge roll of the dice, and so far, it's that uncertainty that keeps me from doing it.

[crystaltvco]

As we don't know what industry you are in, not sure who here could offer any job improvement/advancement tips.

The only things I can offer are possibly looking at jumping careers? I know that Data Science and cyber security are always going to need good people. The former may need some schooling, be it at a traditional school or online. For what I am about to say, I am not affiliated with this institution and have no skin in their game: Check out WGU. They have online courses only. The are also accredited. I have friends that work for hospitals and their bosses paid for their MBA's. And hospitals don't pay for doodly unless you are 100% legit.

Good luck, hang in there, keep looking stunning and let us know if we can help?

Hugggles!!!

[pamela7]

Hi Jess, I've felt close to losing a job once, and also found it tough to move jobs in the past, so I do empathise. all i can really suggest is that by becoming as key as possible to a business operation, the bosses decide not to discriminate. Are there any ways you can sound out their real opinions? In the end a business is there to be efficient and effective, and with the right people up high knowing this, well you can then have leeway perhaps.

xxx Pam

[Kelly DeWinter]

Although I am in a field that for me to transition it would guarantee that I would loose my career. Have a Plan B or a side job is always a great idea. I worked in the IT field for 15 years and consulted on the side until I started my own consulting Business. My current career requires me to form short term relationships and transitioning would would not go over well with 95% of my clients.

The other reason is a medical reason for not transitioning (too much to go into)

Keep a positive attitude and start preparing yourself for a possible different career.

[Mirya]

There will always be an excuse for not transitioning. Fear of losing your job. Fear of losing family. Fear of losing friends. Fear of being too tall. Fear of having big hands/feet. Fear of having to wear a wig. Fear of not having a passable female voice. Fear of not being able to find new friends. Fear of not being passable. Fear of surgery. Fear of having to be on HRT forever. Take your pick... There are plenty more.

And yet, despite the unknowns and the fears, TS women still transition. Gender identity is not something one chooses based on weighing the pros and cons and whether it's worth it or not. It is innate. It just is. And if you're TS, you will eventually reach a point in your life where you can no longer abide by the false life you have built as a man. And then you will be ready. You will become the most fearless person in the world. Nothing will stop you and nothing will hold you back.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Mirya;

That's a fairly simplistic reaction to transitioning, usually made by someone who has transitioned. You cannot discount someones reasoned approach to transitioning as "fear" based. People make choices based on criteria that is important to them. Too many people have reached this point you have described. Transitioned and regretted their decision. What is wrong with someone taking a measured approach to making a sound decision that will affect them for the rest of their lives.

[Aunt Kelly]

I know exactly how you feel, Jess. In my case, I have a spouse to think of as well (an example of Kelly D's "important criteria"). We are both of the age where things like security, and good medical coverage, matter more. I have a good job with a good company, but not so good that I could count on keeping it if I transition now. Oh, I'll be doing what I can in the mean time. Electrolysis is under way and HRT will start as soon as the medical clearance can be obtained. Social transition will have to take a back seat for career right now.
If I were where I am now, but younger and could make a jump more easily, I would, in a New York minute. Like you, I'm in a field that is crying for talent and truth be told, I could probably land somewhere, even now, that would not care what gender I am. There would still be risk, of course, and for the sake of my incredibly understanding wife, I shall pursue the slower, safer path.

[KymberlyOct]

Jess - I am going to tell you my story. This is your thread but a little nugget here and one there might help you decide what to do.

It's only my opinion... but... I am a strong believer in being the authentic you no matter what that it is gender - your passion in life - politics - spirituality etc.

Careers can fall apart anyway but all you really truly have in the end is you.

I was a national account manager for a Fortune 500 company household name you all know for 20 years. The whole story would go for pages but in the end due to a change in ownership I was laid off. I had great appraisals and my results exceeded my goals but in short I was at the wrong place at the wrong time when new ownership took over the company. Then I got cancer. Yup true story.

But that's not the point. ANYTHING can happen. You never know what life will bring good and bad. But by releasing your fears and doing what's real you open yourself up to so many possibilities. Some may suck and others may be things so great and different you would have never imagined them. My life has been an amazing roller coaster of good and bad. I feel like I have lived 10 different peoples lives. Some very privileged and some with extreme challenges.

But one thing I am certain of - people always regret the things they didn't have the courage to do.

I have made many mistakes and had great success but the mistakes I regret the most are the ones that I didn't act on sooner or made choices based on fear.

And you may be surprised. Sometimes people that are impressed by your courage to transition will give you a leg up regarding your career. Being transgender is not always a negative. Some people may give you preference for that very reason.

I certainly don't know everything for everyone but one of the few things that I would be stubborn about in a disagreement is someone telling me that they didn't transition due to their career. IMHO - Big Mistake.

Best Wishes
Be Brave
Kim

[Rianna Humble]

Jess, I believe that both Kim and Kelly are giving you the best advice they can and have your interests at heart when giving the advice, but I have to disagree with both of them.

There is a very good reason why the majority of people who have lived through transition give the same or similar advice which amounts to

Don't transition unless you have to, but if you reach the point where you have to, don't let anything get in your way

If anything is more important to you than becoming congruent with who you really are, don't start. You have to be prepared to lose everything and everyone, otherwise the difficulties of transition will destroy you. I am not saying that you will lose everything and everyone, but there will be difficulties and people you thought you could rely upon will turn against you.

Kelly quotes the myth of the too-many-to-name transition regretters. There have been a small number of people who have transitioned for the wrong reason or with unrealistic expectations and who have regretted the fact.

Most people quote Charles Kane (who never was transsexual) or Christine Daniels (a transsexual sports writer who could not cope with the loss of her friends). Christine's death was a tragedy in the truest sense of the word, but we cannot let ourselves be dominated by fear, rather we need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I will probably sound harsh, but I don't think that transition would be right for you whilst you value your job more than becoming whole. That is not to say that transition will never be right for you, nor that it ever will - only you can finally decide that.

Either way, please know that those of us who have the experience will be hear to try to support you however we can.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Rianna;


Just an FYI, One thing I categorically do not do is promote myths.

Here is a direct quote "Miroslav Djordjevic, who specializes in gender reassignment surgery, has seen an increase in “reversal” surgeries among transgender women who want their male genitalia back."


The real myth is those within the TG community who deny or downplay those who de-transition. The sad reality, is that those same people are treated like pariah by the same community that heaped encouragement on them to transition. That is the true double standard.


So while you will get a lot of support to transition, if you are not successful emotionally, financially, physically then the one thing you can count on is being truly on your own.


I encourage and affirm those who make the decision to transition.

[pamela7]

According to my doctor, about 5 people per year want to reverse transition in the UK, and he has one of these clients right now (not me, I hasten to add!).

I've also seen quoted there are 650,000 trans people in the UK - so assuming a nominal 50 year span, that's 250 wanting to reverse in total. Also assuming only 10% of trans people do trans (65,000), less than 1% actually realise it's a mistake.

Having worked in the deepest psychological arts for the last 18 years I can for sure say that there is (almost) no deep work being facilitated to be sure of uncovering enough to eliminate mistakes. But we can say the error rate is biased towards false negatives.

[Sarah Doepner]

I didn't even consider coming out while I was still working. While that was several years ago, as my retirement grew close I guarded my gender identity even more closely. The last thing I wanted was to spend 25 or 30 years in a career and not have the security that career had promised. Now I'm retired and comfortable financially, not threatened by that particular potential disaster, and my long delayed exploration of my gender is moving along at a nice pace. There is nothing wrong with setting priorities that insure survival, even it's uncomfortable survival as you build stability in your life.

Sometimes there are intermediate steps you can take that help reduce the influence of GD on your life. Counseling, a social support group or even low level hormones can allow you to move on in 'normal' life while keeping the specter of transition both in sight but not all consuming. If you find something that works you can use the time to assess the kind of support you might find through your workplace or develop the unique skills that will give your career more stability. It's amazing what we can accomplish when we aren't under the spell of dysphoria.

I was fortunate that my condition and attitude allowed me to make the choice to keep things on hold, but I know those who couldn't wait as it was a life/death matter for them. Each of us has a different set of needs and resources, limitations and possibilities. There is nothing wrong in seeking outside opinion and experience as you attempt to make sense of your world, sometimes you find a nugget of great value, other times it's a spray-painted dog dropping. So gather love and support around you, be patient as you assess your long term needs (see the needs vs. wants threads) and make the best choices for your life.

[Rianna Humble]

Rianna;


Just an FYI, One thing I categorically do not do is promote myths.

No-one accused you of promoting the myth that you quoted.

I have looked at the source of your quotation, it comes from an article citing Charles Kane as the main "evidence" for the supposed legions of people who de-transition after having been pressured into transition against their better judgement. Charles Kane was never transsexual and bought his way past the checks and balances because he thought that having a designer vagina would make him more attractive to women.

The surgeon quoted cites seven people who detransitioned in a period of five years - hardly an avalanche. In all of the reports in anti-trans journals, why is it that they quote over 3000 GCS operations per year in the US alone then oppose that with an average of 1.4 reversals per year in another country to claim the supposed mass wave of regret?

I do not deny that there has been a small number who have regretted their decision - whether it be because they were not prepared fro the rejection and loneliness, or because they were poorly supported in that transition, but compared to the tens of thousands worldwide who have transitioned successfully, it is not a mass wave.

[Kelly DeWinter]

My original statement was "too many people"


"Kelly quotes the myth"


"No-one accused you of promoting the myth that you quoted." LOL it's not a myth that people transition. Seriously , just google transgender surgery reversal and other similar phrases, and you'll see it's not a myth.


The article written LIZETTE BORRELI cites DR Miroslav Djordjevic as the main evidence and Charles Kane as an example. You have to read in context


My point and this article and others bear it out is that an increasing number of people reverse or de-transition. In my home city of Baltimore in the Baltimore Transgender Alliance. There have been 4 people have started to de-transition this year.


No one said "mass wave"


This is a prime example of what happens people take a phrase like "too many" and it become "avalanche" and "mass wave"


If within this reclusive private hidden community you have a 2% documented number of people who de-transition then you can expect the actual numbers to be higher. (Its and opinion, not a fact)

[OCCarly]

Hi Jess:

I am a self employed, licensed attorney and very well known in the Los Angeles County court system. Meaning, once I went public with my transition, there was no going back.

The good news is, after a lot of careful coming out to all my clients, I only lost one client. To be fair that client was evangelical Christian, so I didn’t expect much. Although really cool at first, they ghosted me after about four months.

Other than that, I still have the rest of my portfolio. My client relations are much improved. I relate to people far better on hormones and being myself. I’m a better listener, more sympathetic, more empathetic.

Overall I’m doing better than ever. Before I could not effectively market myself. Now I can. I struggled as a male because I wasn’t male. Being a guy felt like doing a job of being a guy, a job I never felt qualified for and was constantly under review. Then having to be a lawyer on top of that? It’s a miracle I survived for so long. Now, being a lawyer is easier and more fulfilling, because I’m me.

I’ve found that most of the people in the world are good people. You may find it easier to do your job when you are free to be yourself because people will react more positively.

Transition for the girl in the mirror, not for anyone else. If you believe in yourself, others will believe in you.

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion those who get sexually aroused by being a sexual object should be very cautious about the psychological drivers that are providing the impetus to transition.

In one post you said this... "Panties.

I love the word. "

Sex as sexuality is an extremely powerful influence on identity and it is easy to confuse sexual identity with gender identity. A woman is far more than simply her sexuality, which is to say that a female gender identity is not only about sex and actually sex and sexual identity are things woman usually try to escape in becoming a woman "as gender identity" ( A woman is more than her body as sexually desired object by others)

Cross dressing may be the most dangerous act a person can do to their gender identity if they are sexually attracted to women, born with a penis that they are very comfortable using as their sexuality and do not identify with masculinity as identity (which is often toxic masculinity so not identifying with it makes sense). The second most dangerous act is having sex with men but wanting to be in the female role as a "submissive"

Both these desires can in todays "transgender mania climate" cause confusion about "gender identity"

If sex in any fashion mixed with sexual fantasy is an influence on your "gender dysphoria" I urge extreme caution.

If you have conflated being female with being "submissive" than I once again urge extreme caution in "identifying" these emotional and sexual needs as "gender dysphoria"

Masculine identity and men in general are under relentless psychological attack by their environment. Men universally have and always have had fragile "gender identities" making them very susceptible to "gender dysphoria" caused by the very experience of being born male.

The whole of mankind as men has dealt with this problem on many levels. Men are constantly latching onto various things to find their identity and perpetually live in a identity crisis. War and the military as an example. (Being a man's man). Violence in general to prove courage.

An identity crisis is not necessarily "gender dysphoria"

Actual gender dysphoria creates an identity crisis because of the female identity (for MTF) that cannot be escaped. The person was not led into it by sex or being submissive by nature.

It is a "knowing" similar to knowing an immutable truth. It has nothing to do with clothes. Nothing to do with sex. Nothing to do with personality or temperament.

In my opinion no one should transition who has not had life long struggles with gender identity conflicts and even those people should do extensive therapy to uncover the reasons and influences for those struggles because gender identity is fragile and subject to the affects of trauma.

There is a pattern of people transitioning (MtF) where they are musicians/artists/scientists.

In my opinion they are escaping masculinity as identity into the more comfortable fit of a female identity but actual gender dysphoria is not escaping one thing to go into another because there is nothing to escape but only something to accept that has always been there.

And when it has always been there than the question is why. How that is answered should in my opinion decide whether someone transitions or not.

The danger to people now is the social acceptance of people who identify as transgender. The danger of non acceptance is being replaced with the danger of acceptance.

[KymberlyOct]

Jess, I believe that both Kim and Kelly are giving you the best advice they can and have your interests at heart when giving the advice, but I have to disagree with both of them.

Thank you Rianna - As always I do give the best advice I can with the interest of the person at heart. My intentions are good so I appreciate the acknowledgment of that.

This has become an interesting thread with a very wide variety of advice.

My concern for you Jess is that you probably will come away more confused than when you asked for input. Similar to a therapist nobody here can tell you what to do but hopefully you can read some opinions and see which ones sound right for you.

My advice might be right for one person - Rianna's for somebody else and Kelly's for someone else and so on.

We are all just giving opinions based on our experiences, observations and beliefs.

You need to do the work of searching yourself to figure out what's right for you. Hopefully we give you good food for thought.

I hope you find happiness.

[grace7777]

If you continue on your present path and you turn out in the next 20 years to be very successful, will you find fulfillment, or will you regret the path you did not peruse. Decide what is truly important to you and live your based on that.

Having a good career, driving a nice car, having plenty of money, living in a luxury home can be nice things to have, but will it make you happy. Others have achieved this and yet commit suicide. Yet others live in poverty and find fulfillment.

Decide what is truly important to you in your life.

Grace

[KymberlyOct]

Well said Grace, I have been broke then had money for 20 years and am broke again. Long story anyways... Being broke sucks and is stressful but being at peace with yourself is the most important thing in life in my opinion. It doesn't fix everything but in the end finding peace for yourself is the most valuable thing.

Oh and by the way can anybody lend me 20 bucks I'm kidding.

[LeaP]

It is a "knowing" similar to knowing an immutable truth. It has nothing to do with clothes. Nothing to do with sex. Nothing to do with personality or temperament.
...
In my opinion no one should transition who has not had life long struggles with gender identity conflicts and even those people should do extensive therapy to uncover the reasons and influences for those struggles because gender identity is fragile and subject to the affects of trauma.
...
The danger to people now is the social acceptance of people who identify as transgender. The danger of non acceptance is being replaced with the danger of acceptance.

This.

Well said, Kelly.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Can I ask in your mind, why do you want to transition?

[LeaP]

Getting back to the OP’s financial concerns, they are real. I lost a job after coming out to the company. There are others in this thread who have as well. I’m not sure whether this describes you or not, but trading one kind of survival for another is a dismal prospect. Some transition. Some die. Some live in poverty, whether relative or actual. Some succeed and thrive.

The best advice is something you likely already know. That is, the best chances are to get a job in a company and in an area of the country where other employees have transitioned successfully. Easy in concept, not so easy in practice. Three good resources include the HRC’s Corporate Equality Index (CEQ), LinkedIn (there’s a trans group), and of course, your own networking.

Take everything with a grain of salt, though. I was the one who raised the CEQ to my company, who wound up pursuing the rating ... but still lost my job, and I KNOW that some of the answers were false. On the other hand, you can find actual, detailed transition policies for some of the listed 100% companies if you are diligent enough.

Beware those who advertise their compliance with all official protected categories, as it’s a red flag that those are ALL they cover. Beware the inclusion of gender but not gender identity. Don’t confuse even real support for Pride or “LGBT” concerns for support of trans people. Many support gay and lesbian people but not trans people.

Check out the execs in the management chain in which you are interested. You can often find personal interests and activity, donations - especially political, as they are disclosed in the US, religious beliefs, and more. All this from openly available sources. I recall one hiring manager where I had found information on their childhood and family, college, financial history, address history and real estate transactions (right down to pictures), complete employment history and threads of connections between their current company and other company execs, ties to private capital firms (one of which was my intro to the company), associations, volunteer activities, and a whole lot more ... Alas, not a thing related to LGBT anything, anywhere, good, bad, or indifferent, including within the connections or company. Contrast that with another company of interest, where I checked the senior staff and found a genuine trans advocate, ally, author, and activist! Still didn’t get the job, though. (Sigh)

It’s a tough world.

[AllieSF]

In my opinion no one should transition who has not had life long struggles with gender identity conflicts and even those people should do extensive therapy to uncover the reasons and influences for those struggles because gender identity is fragile and subject to the affects of trauma.

Kelly,

I understand your post, but this sentence bothers me. Are you saying that to transition one has to suffer like you and others have? What about the people who know who they are and do something about it once they realize how serious it is to be themselves, and have no serious life long issues or sufferings related to their gender identity? They do exist and I know some. They started before the issues with family started and proceeded to live their lives as they saw fit. According to you, should they have waited longer for more suffering and issues? I understand that there are issues for many, maybe most, dealing with who they are, but what about those that know, including this new wave coming from parents who help their children be who they are?

I just went to a family and friends support presentation by some successful fully transitioned people and 3 parents of very young children, one family who had two transgender children (MtF and FtM)and one cis-gender son. I also just had a long afternoon meeting with a mother who had attended that presentation and her husband, talking about being transgender and how I and others I know deal with everything. Their new son did not have a life long struggle. That is not to say that he did not have some hard thinking and issues with coming out to his parents. He has very supportive parents who are trying to find out how to be successful with that support, i.e. provide the right kind of support.

Though not necessarily intended in your statement, it does read to some that you shouldn't transition if you don't suffer "like we have", which in my opinion is wrong and should be reworded to better explain what you mean. I get and agree that for those on the fence, which is not "all", being sure of one's self identity is most important and to then act on that decision, i.e. transition, takes a lot of courage, perseverance and tough skin to make it through the tough phases to happiness and loving one's self.

PS: Could you please explain what you mean by "... the danger of acceptance."?

[jentay1367]

"the danger of acceptance."

I completely understand what she means by this. Those seeking validation would be more emboldened once it's found. If you're stoking the fires of something phantasmagorical, the last thing you'd need is others chipping in with their "support". At least before we were an accepted piece of the societal fabric, the vilification we received gave us cause for pause. If you went through the fire to arrive on the other side as most did from previous generations, you most probably did it on your own and in spite of others wishes or opinions. Transitioning is a one way street, particularly if you follow through with the suite of procedures many choose to do. So, if you follow through that dead end end can be end up being heaven or hell based on your true nature once you've made that trip. If you felt this is right for you because others are cheer leading and helping you along, you may possibly find yourself in a very, very bad place.

[kimdl93]

Its seems to me that your OP really answers the question for you. No plan B, no family support, and nothing else. So, don't risk it.

It seems that given the risks, you need to fly under the radar for your own well-being and that of those dependent upon you. My other advice....invest whatever time and money you can spare into self care....counseling, working out....a vacation to a friendly environ.