Fear of losing my career keeps me from transitioning

[AllieSF]

Jerntay,

Whether I am annoying insensitive or slow to understand (SIRI's definition) or not what it means, I have not heard that expression before and therefore simply asked for a clarification. I should not have to read your sarcasm "Have to be pretty obtuse" to get an understandable and clear explanation. That was uncalled for. We all have our own experiences some similar and some not to others' experiences. Therefore, we may or may not understand someones use of particular words or phrases when they make a comment on something. All your other comments I pretty much understand and have friends who have experienced some or all of that.

[jentay1367]

That was a poor choice of words, Allie. I apologize and it wasn't my intent to offend. I fixed it ( :

[AllieSF]

Thanks for your response and actions. I really do understand that many, many people have a tough journey and some do not make it. If you ever make it out here, San Francisco, look me up and the first glass is on me.

Jeekm,

Sorry for the diversion from the core topic. In a way it is still all related because this journey for many does involve work = income, then family and friends, then the general public and many other facets of transitioning. So, many times these side topics help one see that transitioning is not easy because of so many areas for concern and possible future difficulties, especially when on the cusp of a such a major life changing decision. And, that for many it was all well worth it and led to a happier and more fulfilling life. Most who have transitioned here had their tough times and many of those are now doing more than just fine! I hope it helps to see more of it at this time, including the positive side.

[elizabethamy]

I don't always agree with everything Kelly says, but OMG, THIS is the BEST description of what being trans feels like that I have ever seen.

She said: "It is a "knowing" similar to knowing an immutable truth. It has nothing to do with clothes. Nothing to do with sex. Nothing to do with personality or temperament." So perfectly said, Kelly!

After you strip away all the externalities, the friends and family and jobs and logistics and all of that, and after you've played all the mind games on yourself that you can, at the end of the day are you just saying, "I don't know why I have to transition, but I just feel it so deeply and I don't know where it comes from, and it sounds impossible, but this is what I need to do."

If that's you, start working on transition. If you're not there, or not there yet, keep exploring, keep thinking, keep talking. In the end, it won't be about what job you do or don't have or what your family or friends think. It will be about who you are inside, and only you know.

[KymberlyOct]

I was actually going to start a thread titled 'before it's too late' but instead I will just add to this thread. This is a very worthwhile topic and we have a wide variety of opinions.
None of our opinions is right or wrong for everyone else. The reason I am still on this site is hopefully to pay it forward because some of the people that used to be here really helped me. My opinions won't be right for everyone but maybe for some.

That long disclaimer out of the way :-D

I wish I had done this 30 years ago. Did I wait too long? Well yes in some ways. SRS is probably a no for me so I only got an orchie instead. Extensive FFS is a no and maybe none at all.
Why - I have serious heart issues that I didn't have 15 years ago, I'm high risk for surgery. And there is the money issue as well. I used to have money - now I don't.

On the glass half full side at least I transitioned while I was still young enough - active enough - and have some years left (hopefully) to enjoy it. I remember someone that used to be on this site that was in their 70s but is not here anymore. They had decided it was too late for them. I guess at some point it eventually is but when that is I don't know.

But most importantly ALL THOSE WASTED YEARS !! UGH. I could have enjoyed so much more of my life if I had the courage to do this years ago. And I would have had vaginoplasty instead of just an orchie. And I would have had FFS instead of just Botox injections. Luckily I still have a lot of hair at 58 years old but not many do at my age.

Worrying about career, money social life. What's the point if you are not living the life you want to?

I often read comments - "don't transition unless you have to" OK where's the line on 'have to' ? Being suicidal? Or just doing self harm? Or just depressed? Or just melancholy? What is 'have to'? I felt this way since I was 5 years old. Could I have made it to my death without transitioning? Yeah I guess. My dysphoria was not that extreme that I would have committed suicide but why should I live unhappily? Did transitioning fix all of my life problems? Not even close. But it made me happier than I was. Isn't that the point?

If your career or money is more important than living as the gender that you truly believe you are then that's OK. I really mean that. Not everybody should transition. There are many more people on this site in the CD forum not to mention the NB forum. If they are there because they actually feel that way then great. If they are there because of FEAR then that is very sad.

WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE DON'T MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON FEAR. In my not so humble opinion ( just this one time lol ) Making decisions due to fear is something you will always regret. Again - not everyone should transition - just make sure you are doing the right soul searching when coming to that decision.

My time on the soapbox is up.

PS I slipped back on the soapbox for one last thought. After posting this I went on the CD forum just to sneak a peek out of curiosity. OMG I felt like I was on a different planet. That is no criticism of anyone there whatsoever - I just read a couple of posts and thought - I can't even relate to this.

Find Out Who You Are - whoever that may be.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Dont transiiton until you have to can seem to be pretty unhelpful!!!

But i think most of the time "you just know"....
you just know you have to.... what happens after that is all over the board and forums and therapy groups are filled with literally every type of coping from transition to denial when you "just know"


=======================================

In this particular case, its pretty clear to me that the OP is not in that space...
if I "had to" , i'd be all over this thread....... that's what its like... you cant think of ANYTHING else...your brain is filled with nonstop gender dysphoria that never lets you have a moments peace...
or you dont question it all..you know without any prevarication or doubt at all...
When you "have to" is not a casual thing...it is a meaning of life type of thing..


+++++++++++++++++++++

So to me the best specific advice is to be aware that this is on your mind... don't get caught up in the girly stuff...the adventures (i know i did)....the times a guy flirted or the moment you passed...(i know i did)...
Its excellent that you are aware of your financial situation and the impact on others.... if that's your concern, time will inform you of the best decision for you.
trust me, if you are really ts, this will keep coming at you and you'll start to think differently..honestly i hope it doesnt but in reality none of us can control it..

if you start to suffer GD, make sure you have a great therapist and can openly talk about it and let out the steam...

and experiment and express your gender and your TG feelings as best you can so you can analyze and understand yourself as best you can...

you are young and have lots of time...i dont buy i wish it was earlier...its like i wish i won the lottery... its today and your future that matter..

[KellyJameson]

Hi Allie

There is a transgender community that those who transitioned may participate in but there is no transsexual community. To be transsexual is to experience something that is actually very rare. It is to be born with a birth defect.

A transsexual is a " Cis person" . They experience the world as binary but are forced to live in it as a non binary person until they transition. They automatically acquire their natural gender identity at a very young age and feel discomfort when others reject it, preventing them from seeing and experiencing it. Some will resist and others relent but the ground has been laid for future problems.

This is different than rejecting a "non binary " way of living by forcing a binary existence onto a non- binary person.

It is not socially constructed and cannot be socially destroyed without destroying the individual. This is true for all Cis people and Cis people are likely a minority in the world but institutions have made them seem like a majority.

Transgender is the natural way to live for non-binary people. I believe when all social constraints and influences are removed most people will find this a very natural way to live. Gender roles come out of sex and society with society pointing to sex to make the laws that enforce the gender roles by claiming this is the natural order. These gender roles feel comfortable, normal, correct, natural for binary people.

If they do not feel this way than they are either transgender or transsexual and both are biological creations in that all binary and non binary people are expressions of their biology first and foremost.

A transsexual is a Cis person (binary) born with a birth defect. A transgender person is a non binary person who may or may not be struggling against the social constraints and consequences of not being Cis (binary)

Someone who is binary has a more black or white relationship to gender and may not see gender but only sex as man or women but usually will acknowledge that there are feminine men and masculine women but they are still very much one or the other in their eyes. Binary masculine men will see a feminine man as "less than" (biologically inferior).

The binary "see's" the non-binary but remains in the binary.

All crossdressers are transgendered in that they are not binary.

It is not about man or woman, transsexual or transgender but the confusion about the differences between binary and non binary people.

A transsexual is a binary person born with a birth defect forcing them to live a non-binary existence. This is unnatural to them and will make them sick.

The problem is that many psychological experiences can damage a persons identity as a human being and with the "transgender mania" the label applied to this can be gender dysphoria.

A son could identify with his mother through trauma bonding (abuse) so the son has no human identity in that there is a complete absence of self that has been supplanted by mother as identity.

A female uneasy with the male gaze could interpret this discomfort as the discomfort of gender dysphoria and alter her body to escape the male gaze.

In our hypersexualized culture it is easy to understand the reasons someone would want to "de-sexualize their body"

Anyone who makes the mistake of thinking they are non-binary when they are binary or binary when they are non-binary will make themselves mentally ill by transgressing what is their "natural state"

An example is Kaitlyn Jenner who I believe is a crossdresser (non-binary) who lost their core self identity through being marginalized in a house of famous women and is now trying to live a binary existence which is unnatural and will eventually make Kaitlyn mentally ill.

I have lived in the LGBT world my whole life. I have never met a person not wounded by the experience of being "thrust" into it. It is the misunderstood "understanding" of the source of these wounds and the consequences that add to and prevent the healing of the original wounds.

All people who identify as LGBT are non-binary but transsexuals are not actually a part of this because they are binary.

A transsexual may feel comfortable in the non binary world but this is a consequence of having been made to live in it. They plant one foot in each world and why they are often seen as spiritual advisors. They act as a bridge between binary and non-binary people who usually are in conflict with one another.

With the exception of crossdressers, binary people tend to be conservative and non-binary liberal. Transsexuals are both and neither. Heterosexual crossdressers led to crossdressing through sex (adoration of the female) tend to be conservative. They cross over to escape the pressures of masculinity.

When I write it is my often feeble attempt not to add to the burden someone is already carrying. It is not that I discount the suffering but fear adding to it by not truly understanding its source.

I very much fear jumping on bandwagons or joining cheering sections. We humans are far to complex to think understanding ourselves is an easy task and in the end it is probably an impossible task but I believe better too try than to give up.

In my opinion it is vital we do not make the mistake of misunderstanding the true source of our suffering and pain.

[pamela7]

Hi Kelly,
Crikey, what a post. I'd like to check if I've got your perception right, if I may.

So a true "MTF TS" is a person with an XY genetic code but for whom the testosterone was missing during at least the critical time of the brain development in utero, thereby developing a female brain? And you're saying that anything else is fundamentally due to conditioning, responses to life's traumas and ego development?

There have been studies showing that most TS brains are neither 100% male nor 100% female, but something different, bits of both, varyingly but also something else, different.

My psychological theory has 10 different ways in which a person could develop conditioning to generate cross-gender needs, and many sociological reasons to rebalance male and female energy in both sexes (including anima/animus returns). By carefully undoing all possible mind structures, I did get back to the womb experience, and I know my brain is different.

We are a spectrum, even with degrees of lack of T in utero for example, for T at different phases of parts of the brain developing. I'm not sure if i'm binary or non, but I do know I'm happy being and presenting as a woman, as myself, and that the mirror is now me. Can anyone ever really say more than that?

xxx

[elizabethamy]

Pamela,
I'm on the team of people that can't quite unravel Kelly's definitions and descriptions. I used to be desperate to find a cause for my trans-ness but the longer you deal with being trans the less you care how it started, though it seems important to others. Once again, Kaitlyn Michele has nailed it: when you get to the point where you can't think about anything else, where you're absolutely paralyzed by obsession about your gender, then you have to act. Where does the obsession come from? I don't know. What can make it go away? Transition. Nothing else. Thus, time to move forward. Binary, not binary, transition to what? Again, it feels deeply inner: something you just know. At that point, who cares what anyone calls you or how they define you. you just have to live your life.

[Teresa]

Pamela,
I'm going to agree with you OK in very simplistic terms we are born as we are , whatever the process and chemistry changes that happened or didn't during pregnancy once we are born the die is set . To many of us it's not so much the problem of how we deal with it but how others deal with it . Going back to the OP is Jess going to struggle with aspects of transition mainly because of outside influences . If transition was an accepted everyday occurence how much easier would people find it . How much is the discussion of reversals based on social pressures .

While I agree with much of Kelly Jameson's comments , the one I find questionable is the impression we are not normal people because we were born with a birth deformity , again do those comments come from internal or external strife ? I also agree that sexuality and gender are separate enitities and it can cloud our thinking but to some they are so intertwined it is sometimes difficult to know what is influencing our actions , what the basic driving force is .

[Jeri Ann]

I'm so scared of losing everything. I have a decent career in IT, and don't want to risk losing it because of a transition.

I struggle like heck, even currently as a cis-male when it comes to interviewing for new positions. Prior to my current role, I was unemployed for a year because I couldn't find a job. Then earlier this year, things got rocky at my job and I though I was going to get laid off again. 9 months, 10 phone interviews, and 2 face-to-face interviews later, I'm still at my current job. It was a humbling experience to know that even in this "hot" job market, a cis white male still struggles with employment. I can't even imagine having to do this while trans.

I have no Plan B, no side hustle, no family support, nothing. It's a huge roll of the dice, and so far, it's that uncertainty that keeps me from doing it.

Hey Jess,

Pertaining to your original post, being trans/transitioning is not necessarily a deal breaker for employment in IT. I have two friends here in the Houston area that work in IT. Both are trans. They both say that about half of the employees where they work are nonbinary and several have transitioned. One of my friends works for Microsoft and the other works for Texas Instruments, I think.

Now springing off what Kelly J., Kaitlyn and Kymberly have said: Kelly brilliantly describes the transsexual condition and how it relates to the rest of the TG population. It probably is not possible for some people to agree or unravel what she says if they have not experienced the condition and completely gone through the transition process. Her perception may not pertain to everyone but it definitely sheds light on my personal truth.

I am binary. I was born female with a “birth defect”. Kelly’s use of this term is NOT out of line because the life long angst that the physical anomaly causes makes it feel as such. Also, society, in general, believes there is something wrong with us. And, the condition requires surgery to correct. Because of all of this I lived most of my life trying to be “normal” as most of the world I lived in would define it. I think it is obvious that Kelly was implying this. What is most important is to know and understand that we each have our own normal.

Kaitlyn always has a great perspective on being transsexual and transitioning. At the very core of this issue is her question, “Why do you want to Transition?” And her caution to, “don't get caught up in the girly stuff...the adventures (i know i did)....the times a guy flirted or the moment you passed...(i know i did)...”.
Experiences that are adrenaline and endorphin releasing can lead to a bad decision. When I announced my transition a member here pm’d me and told me that I was “Living the dream.” My transition was actually more like a nightmare.

Kymberly said that she was going to start a thread entitled “Before it's too late.” It would be wonderful to know your truth and transition at a young age. I lament about this some. I regret that I couldn’t experience my first date, prom, meeting Mr. Right, marriage and being a wife and mom. When I express this to my friends they all say something like, “But you wouldn’t be who you are now and where you are now.”

Too late? I transitioned a year and a half ago. I was 66. At 67 I went to Guadalajara for FFS and BA. Certain that I was the oldest on record to have such surgery I asked, Vicente, my host and personal caretaker for my ten day recovery stay at his Villa, if I was the oldest. He said no that three years before he took care of a person that was 84.

In nine days I will be 68. The next day I have a consultation with Dr. Keelee MacPhee, a plastic surgeon and SRS specialist in NC to discuss SRS. I have already initiated pre approval with my insurance company.

It is never too late. You will know if and when you need to transition. As Kaitlyn says, “you can’t think of ANYTHING else...your brain is filled with nonstop gender dysphoria that never lets you have a moments peace...or you don’t question it all..you know without any prevarication or doubt at all...When you "have to" is not a casual thing...it is a meaning of life type of thing.” A while back she used an analogy of her male life being in a towel. You wring that towel until nothing else will come out.

The meaning of life can only be known when you know your truth, who and what you are. When you know and embrace that, then you can live as your authentic self. If that involves transition, then things will work out. It may not be possible to plan or anticipate how things work out but they will. You may have to relocate, change careers, lose friends, the list is long but it will not matter. Living as your authentic self could also result in you exuding authenticity and confidence that might be a game changer in a job interview, just sayin’.

[Nikki.]

Pamela,
I'm on the team of people that can't quite unravel Kelly's definitions and descriptions. I used to be desperate to find a cause for my trans-ness but the longer you deal with being trans the less you care how it started, though it seems important to others. Once again, Kaitlyn Michele has nailed it: when you get to the point where you can't think about anything else, where you're absolutely paralyzed by obsession about your gender, then you have to act. Where does the obsession come from? I don't know. What can make it go away? Transition. Nothing else. Thus, time to move forward. Binary, not binary, transition to what? Again, it feels deeply inner: something you just know. At that point, who cares what anyone calls you or how they define you. you just have to live your life.

This. Or as I like to say, “I’d just like my brain back.” Maybe read more than half a page in a book without my mind wandering back to gender....sigh...

[Dorit]

Reading this thread is a very emotional experience for me, I am on the edge of tears. Kelly, Jeri Ann, Kaitlin; your abilities to express what I have experienced all my life is a gift to this forum and to people like me. I have myself recently said to someone that I don't care one bit if you think I am mentally ill, for the first time in my life medical science has a "cure" for me. Even at 70 years old, I am taking the cure! Over ten years ago I began to unwind the tangled mess in me of all the internalized rejection, self-hatred and anger. I have been on HRT for one year, I had FFS one month ago, my GRS is in two months. No, I would not wish this on anyone, I certainly had no say in how I was born, but am deeply grateful to have lived to see the day when I can be healed!

PS: I am crying now, tears of release.

[Aunt Kelly]

I very much fear jumping on bandwagons or joining cheering sections. We humans are far to complex to think understanding ourselves is an easy task and in the end it is probably an impossible task but I believe better too try than to give up.

In my opinion it is vital we do not make the mistake of misunderstanding the true source of our suffering and pain.

Let me too, praise your insight and your effective way of sharing it, Kelly. Most of all though, I latched onto the quote above. Sorting out things like this can be difficult. Sometimes it never happens, but the pursuit is vital because understanding ourselves is everything.

Hugs,


Kelly

[KellyJameson]

Hi Pamela

It makes me a bit apprehensive to use the phrase a "True MtF TS" because of the danger of delegitimizing a persons being, identity, pain, confusion, suffering and most importantly their humanity.

There is much fighting in the trans community about who is and is not authentic ( a real man or woman) but no one can define or determine another persons authenticity. Among MtF this could be expressed as one person saying they are a true woman because they have transitioned or because they pass.

Transitioning does not cure the birth defect of misalignment. It does not make a person a "whole woman" as a being who is biologically capable of reproduction. A binary person believes that a woman and man are named as such because of their biological connection to reproduction. A non-binary person believes a man and woman is not restricted or defined by reproduction (sex).

A binary Cis woman will feel like she has lost something of the experience of being a woman if she has a breast removed or when she reaches menopause. A binary man will feel the same way if he is not able to have an erection or losses a testicle to cancer. They were binary people who are pushed into a non-binary way of life.

Their gender identity is being separated from their body

Transitioning only reduces the pain of being a binary person trapped in a non-binary existence. It offers the possibility of self actualization by reducing the traumatic effects of being born with a brain "sexed as female" in a male body (MtF) which is dramatically different than being born a feminine male.

The body and brain are "sexed" at different times during fetal development.

True authenticity is discovering ones own authentic experience and it is largely irrelevant if others see this authenticity even though it may be helpful in the search for this authenticity to have others see it, but the inverse is true in that it can also prevent someone from the self discovery that leads to authenticity.

Whether someone transitions or not, it is meaningless to use their physical appearance as a determinant of their inner experience of misalignment because they may never connect what they are experiencing to being born "misaligned" and the inverse is true in that someone could transition but not be actually sexed as that which they are trying to represent.

I share my understanding of the experience and what I have learned because this led to my becoming authentic. I am no longer sickened by the experience of being female brain sexed in a male body but I still feel the loss of not being "binary"

I am not crippled any longer but I am also not healed. Being "seen" as I know myself "to be" is a part of this healing and also changing my hormonal state and physical body so the skin I live in feels natural helps me live the "binary experience" . I do not feel attacked by my own body any longer. I am at peace but the ache to experience that which I will never experience will always remain with me.

Transitioning is not a cure. It only makes the unbearable "bearable" and than not always.

Those who are transgender also feel inauthentic by trying to force themselves to live in a binary world but this inauthenticity is an aspect of living among others and is a social consequence. It is "other created"

I did not need others to feel inauthentic. I only had to look between my legs when three years old to notice I did not look like other girls but this noticing was because of that which was already there as to my identity.

This "knowing" naturally manifested itself by the experience of "knowing others" who were and were not like me.

My mind recognized its "sexed self" in those who were "sexed" as I was.

I responded to boys very much like girls responded to boys who sensed they were different from them.

I have always known boys were different from me. That I was not one of them.

I have never belonged to the male tribe or wished to become a member or be included. Males though interesting are experienced as "The others" where girls were immediately experienced as the same as me (My tribe)

[Nikki.]

After a certain amount of introspection about all this, I find myself in an endless loop of naval gazing and really just need to move on with life living. Otherwise, what’s the point....

[KymberlyOct]

Along with others I agree it has become an interesting thread, however WE ( myself included ) have kind of veered off the original topic. I do hope the moderators leave it open because it has stirred some interesting discussion.

That said, I consider myself quite self aware and I like to be introspective in addition to contemplating the whys and hows of many things in life including gender and the role that both societal conditioning plays and how our environment, life experience and prenatal brain formation may contribution to being transgender/TS/gender issues etc.

But when all is said and done isn't being happy the point? The resolution of emotional or mental pain. The elimination of stress.

Jess is looking for answers for herself regarding transitioning relating to her concerns over her career. We can't answer this for her but I do hope we have/ can provide some insightful thoughts for her and anyone else reading this.

We can ponder and pontificate on definitions and causes of GD and I think that is interesting and worthwhile - but in the end try to figure out .....

What is going to make me happier and more at peace?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

OP had not responded...LOL..

and we go around and around!!

OP has posted in Clothing and shopping section tho!!

so that's that....

[Jeri Ann]

Thanks for the heads up Kaitlyn. I never look at the clothing/shopping section so I would not have known. Eight days without a comment? With that I am outa here.

[KatrinaK]

For what it’s worth, we have a transsexual in our IT department at the tech company I consult for, and she’s treated no differently than any of our other employees, gays, lesbians, cis, straight, and little old genderfluid me with my painted fingernails. You may be over thinking this. That said, there are currently no real federal rights for us, so it does depend to a certain degree which state (or country) you’re in.

If you don’t live somewhere where your rights are protected and where you may feel threatened, consider moving to a place that would accept you. In California, your question is absurd (no offense) because you’d be able to retire from the discrimination lawsuit you’d win if anyone had an opinion.

[Rianna Humble]

As has been pointed out, the OP has not been seen since the start of the thread. Time to call it a day.