Is cross dressing ultimately self defeating?

[Charlotte7]

This is a thought which has been going through my mind a fair bit recently, is cross dressing ultimately self defeating? Hopefully, the title of this thread isn't too clumsy and by the time you have read through this, you'll have an understanding of what I mean and will be able to share your views on what I have said.

We are all here because we have an interest in cross dressing, that interest lead us to ask Mr Google and he pointed us here. We may then have lurked for a while, we may still be lurking, or we may be 'fully paid up members' who post on this forum. I am a cross dresser, I like to wear women's clothes, not only do I like to wear women's clothes, I feel that it is a very important part of me being able to express who I am, to, yes, to who? Well, as I don't go out dressed, then, really, on a day to day basis, to no one else, other than my significant other. But, it is very important to me that I am able to do this. My need to dress stems for my inner feeling of having a large part of girl inside me. For me, it's not about the clothes as such, I wear ladies' clothes because in doing so, I am being me.

For others, there may be, there will be other reasons for wearing ladies' clothes. And no reason, for doing so, is more correct than any other. The other thing that we have in common here, on this forum, is that we consider ourselves to be cross dressers. In saying that, we would still identify, at least partly, perhaps mostly, as being men. Again, in my case I'm male, with a big girl bit.

As I say, this then is who we are and what we do.

The next thing to recognise about our dressing, is the extent to which we do it, the frequency that we do it and the 'what we're trying to achieve' when we do it. And again. for us, there'll probably be as many answers to these three as there are those of us here who do it. And again there are many right answers and no wrong answers. We are all who we are and do what we do.

And yes, as can be seen reading through the threads on this forum, it's not an easy path that we've chosen, ok, for many of us, (for all of us?) this is not a path that we have chosen, it's a path that we have found ourselves following. What is really quite a simple activity, the wearing of clothes, seems to cause all sorts of problems in the wider world, where the lack of understanding and acceptance of us, is huge. It is so sad when you read on this forum that another relationship has broken down because the partner cannot accept that a person wears a particular type of clothes. As my other half once said to me, "They're only clothes" and yes, it is as easy as that, but it's also very hard for some people to accept.

And that, accept, for me is the key word in all of this. The one thing, that we all want, the one thing that we'd all like to be able to do, is wear what we want, when we want, where we want. On the face of it, it doesn't seem much to ask for, but in reality it becomes more than some people, and indeed more than society, seem able to give.

And this is where, my thoughts in this thread come in: acceptance.

It's a simple concept, allowing someone to do something that is very dear to them, no not very dear to them, but an essential part of who they are, but maybe 'allowing' is too strong a word here, maybe, accepting is what it is, for other people to just see it and not be bothered by it, is what we want.

So, why does the title of this thread suggest that cross dressing is ultimately self defeating? I see this all as a chicken and egg situation. You can't have one without the other, but which comes first, the chicken that lays the egg, or the egg from which chicken hatches? And at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter, which but we do have to be aware that we have a role to play in all of this.

Yes, it is our need to wear ladies' clothes. I know that I can't go for very long, without the need to express my female side coming back to the fore, but I have to accept that I can't always dress when and how I want. There are constraints on this that I have to follow. And I'm in a free and open relationship, I'm well aware that this will be far worse for those in a DADT relationship, or those where the subject cannot even be broached for fear of a quick rejection and the breakdown of the home life. And yes, to live under such conditions is intolerable.

I know that people here will say, just get out there and be yourself and all will be fine, but I struggle with that. I know that I won't pass, perhaps I don't wan't to pass, but I'd like to be able to go out and about, not, in my case as a man in a dress, and not as as woman who passing even very close inspection, but as me, as a person presenting as a woman yet looking not wholly like a woman.

But can anything be done about this, and if so, what? I don't think that anything can be done quickly as changes in society happen only very slowly, maybe at a generational rate, which I would think would be about a 30 year cycle. I was born in the 1960s and I can see how as I grew up things changed and then, since the 1990s, as the new generation makes their way in the world, things are changing again. But, to get from where I started to where we are now, has taken 60 years.

So how do we go about getting acceptance? I suppose the only way that can happen is to make people aware that we exist, that we're a normal part of society and that we want to be able to live life as we want to live life. But, when we do what we do, we may, as in my case, hide ourselves away, not so much behind drawn curtains, but behind locked doors where no one can see what is happening and no one knows what is happening. But this is self defeating, because, it leaves society as a whole unaffected. Society may take the view that as it happens behind closed doors then I am ashamed of what I do, what I do is somehow 'sordid' and wrong. But unless I confront society, unless I challenge these views, unless society is shown to be wrong, then there is no chance of changing society's mind. Yes, I know that I have a responsibility to do this, but how do I do it? I'm back to the chicken and egg.

And then, on this forum, you read the stories, you see the pictures, where there are many people who are able to get beyond the front door, who are able to go out and about, to mingle in society, to be both at one and at peace and well done and good luck to every one of them. But, and here we get back to the thoughts that I've been having recently, the reason for this thread, that the aim, the goal that is being sought is to pass, to go about and live the everyday life, for some, all the time, for others for a few brief hours, as the women that they've always wanted to be.

Maybe though, this too is self defeating, because, unless society has seen a cross dresser, then society hasn't seen a cross dresser.

This is the thought that I've had, the point I want to seek opinions on, if we hide away behind closed doors, or if we pass so that when out and about and nobody 'sees' us, then how do we let society know that we're here, living normal lives, in and among them, in probably far greater numbers than they would ever have thought?

If we can get the message out there, there we are just ordinary people who want to take a normal place in society, dressed as we want, and presenting as everything from a catwalk model to a man in a dress, and all shades in between, perhaps most importantly, those of us who are all shades in between, then we've got it all to gain and little to lose. If we can normalise it in society then, those in DADT and worse kinds of relationships have much to gain.

But, it's something that we have to do for ourselves, it's our job to take it on and move it forwards and to make a difference. But that requires bravery, and I'm not sure that I have that bravery, and that, at the end of the day, in my case at least, makes my cross dressing self defeating.

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
I appreciate this is written from a closeted perspective , I understand why you pose the questions you do . In other words how do you validate what you do , how do you deal with those voices still telling you something about a man dressing is all wrong .

First of all accept you were born with a female trait , then accept it has needs and dealing with those needs is not sordid and wrong . I agree it is much harder if you have a wife/partner that has strong views on how you should or shouldn't present yourself . To me that is a big hurdle because in order to appease them you are making sacrifices , it may not affect some people too much but if GD is more severe then the problems are going to stack up and remember none of this is really your fault , I know how much these issues can tear you apart .

As for stepping out the door , the biggest hurdle to cross is not what society thinks but what you think society thinks , if you do your best they will be more than accepting . I can truthfully say I haven't had a single bad moment while being out and about , I'm full time now in my new home town , maybe the good point is no one knows me in male mode so they have no comparison to make , I do think that has helped . I have built up confidence to return to my old home town without a problem . To some stepping out the door to face old neighbours could be harder especially if you are in a DADT situation and the wife does't know , in that case finding a social group is a good compromise .

Going back to your opening question , " Is it self defeating ?", I would have to say yes if I remained in the closet but I always called that solitary confinement , I just knew I wanted to be out and integrate with the public , I have to say it is a wonderful feeling so I would have to say no it's not self defeating because it now has no limits to me , it's part of my life . I'm putting over the message as much as I can , I truly hope it can help others like yourself .

[susan54]

No it isn't self defeating. I have achieved everything I set out to achieve in women's clothes. Achievement is not defeat - it is success. I am not out to change the world when I go out presenting as a woman - I try to do that with a keyboard. I dress beautifully and I look good fro a distance but I do not pass. I get wonderful feedback and support from wonderful women. Nothing about this is defeat. When I go out in a skirt (more rarely in a dress) presenting as a man I do so primarily for my own enjoyment but if it helps one of the men who sees me to follow my example that is a bonus. I don't think of myself as a woman - I like to see myself as someone who makes a good effort as dressing and acting as one - and that is what I achieve. Not passing is no big deal - there are no negative consequences. On the rare occasions it becomes clear someone I have been interacting with thinks I am a woman I am amused rather than proud - at best it suggests I am a good actor not that I am really a woman inside - that thought does not even occur to me. So if crossdressing works for me and those I interact with it has achieved - there is no defeat f any kind.

[GretchenM]

Charlotte,

A wonderful bit of writing there. I pretty much agree with Teresa's response as it is from a person who was like us (closeted) and now is not and happy with the change to a more truthful expression of who she is. I share some of your concerns regarding the superficially pointlessness of dressing and then hiding behind the closed curtains. Seems pretty pointless. But for me the need goes much deeper because I don't dress to feel feminine but rather dress because I feel feminine. That is the source of the dysphoria we sometimes feel - an inconsistency between what we feel and what we see in the mirror. Change clothes and the brain reads it as "now you are right" and the dysphoria often goes away. But for those who dress to feel feminine that experience is much less urgent to address, mainly because it often dysphoria does not occur.

I know I need to get out into the real world, but living in the same neighborhood for nearly a half century and having neighbors who are friends and who have been here for nearly as long as we have presents a problem. How do I get out of the neighborhood without being seen and then having to deal with those who would be shocked to see me that way? What does that do to reputations, images, etc.? There aren't many good solutions to that problem. And then there is the coming home. Going through the gauntlet twice doubles the risk. Then there is the question of why I think it is a risk? That is a whole different can of worms.

It really does come down to a matter of acceptance and I feel that those of us who are transgender may think that we are much more widely accepted, but in my view it is more tolerance than acceptance. Acceptance is increasing but, at least here in Denver, it really isn't there in most neighborhoods. I accept who I am but then I understand myself pretty well; others don't have that knowledge and need to judge by what they see.

At the grocery store I go to I have seen trans people shopping and from a distance I watch to see how others react to them. The trans person may pass by someone, make eye contact, exchange smiles and then after the other shopper or shoppers have passed by there is eye rolling and giggling. Once it was two store employees and as I passed them, with my "sort of a purse" bag over my shoulder I commented to them that a little respect would not hurt. They knew they had been caught and apologized to me. I then commented that they might try a little more acceptance of the differences in people. I think they were afraid I was going to report them. I didn't. Getting caught and being reprimanded by a shopper perhaps taught them the lesson I want them to see.

So, your are quite correct that we need to get out more. In fact, we need to flood the streets. Unfortunately, there aren't enough of us to make much of a flood. So we need to be more open and courageous. Is our reluctance to go out just fear of rejection or fear that it will cost us far too much if someone we know sees us? Perhaps that is part of it. But perhaps it is a bit of a failure in accepting ourselves as who we are? Or fear from a life of pretty much conforming to social standards that don't really work for us and if we go out as our real selves people will then question our integrity of even our sanity? That is pretty much rejection. We tend to be a sensitive lot and in some ways our sensitivity works against us. Maybe the courage comes from refining that sensitivity by fully accepting ourselves and our right to be the person we are rather than some facsimile of an ideal based solely on what is our sexual identity as evidenced in various ways.

Teresa certainly crossed that barrier. It came at a steep cost, but I sense in her an embracing of that internal self combined with a balanced view that it is not exactly what society expects and that is OK. Perhaps an appropriate question for Teresa is "How did you gather the courage to cross the barrier?"

Gretchen

[Jaylyn]

I'm not out but I do appreciate those that are out and about their business. If I were to go out ( which I promised my wife I wouldn't) I would go to a town where others have already blazed a trail and have regular meetings at certain bars and are just accepted as the ones that dress up like women. My thinking is ill probably never get that chance to venture out side my own little area here but I can see all of the posters points here as to why some have been accepted and and why it would be better if we all went out to speed up the acceptance process. There are movers and shakers of society changes. Unfortunately we all don't fit in that spectrum. Every situation is different.

[Teresa]

Gretchen,
As you say it has come at a price but I felt I had paid the price what did I have to lose . I know I have mentioned this before but I took the opportunity to contact all my neighbours as soon as possible , to start the curtain twitching againg wasn't going to happen . I had an odd conversation with a TG friend who asked me to tell my story in her first news letter , when I asked her why she said she knew my story entailed counselling so wanted to pass that onto others . She then went on to tell me she felt I was quite unique , I waved that aside saying she knew plenty of other TGs but she insisted that she had never known anyone who had come out so fully as quickly as me , for most it can take many months if not years but it had only taken me a matter of a few weeks . My reply to that was I know my time is limited, if I don't do it now it may never happen at all , besides how I look now for my age is as good as it gets . I urge others to consider these points because I will be able to look back on these in a few years with no regrets , not to miss the chance to be happy after a long time of despair and heartache .

It's a good question to ask what society expects of you , I'm just me and most people appear to more than happy to embrace or accept that . As I've never really had a wingman ( woman) I can't say if tolerate, is the correct word all I know is the fact I've stopped looking over my shoulder for a reaction I don't appear to get one .

[AllieSF]

I really do not understand your title to this thread, nor how you tried to explain it. That being said, you do give a very good explanation of your problem, going out helps all of us transgender (umbrella term) people. Obviously, to me anyway, the more of us that are out there the better it will be for us and those that follow in our footsteps. However, being in a self imposed closet limits getting to that road to change. You are so right that courage (I like to use self confidence) helps one get out. I got outside of my house into the real world in a matter of months after I saw my femme side for the first time in a handheld mirror when I was also looking my most amateurish.

As someone else said here, find yourself a relatively close support group, or find someone like like yourself here (should mention on this site your location, minimum city and State). There are many ways to do both and will take "proactive" efforts on your part to make it happen. My first time out was with two members from this site. Since then I have met many others like myself who became my sidekick when going out. That can be you too if you make the effort to see if being out is actually what you want to do. I say that because I believe that nobody should be socially coerced to do something that they may not want to, or be ready, to do. So, your internal issue(s) can be resolved, maybe with some compromises, if you want, and if you make the personal effort needed. I wish you the best of luck going forward and would be happy to bump into you one day out there in that wonderful real world that so many are afraid to enjoy.

[Bobbi46]

Self defeating?
It should not unless you allow it to many years ago at work a collegue asked me how my days was and I said it's turning into another one of those days at that point my boss happened to be close buy said to me don't ever let it be one of those days, command your day, i remember those words to this very day self defeating can lead to be feeling sad or depressed at being unable to achieve something be strong with your thoughts and say to yourself ican do this or I can do that or whatever it is at the time but if you apply yourself in the right direction you will be able to "go out there" soon even if it is a matter of getting into your car going somewhere away from your home you will have broken the ice.
But don't let dressing self defeat you it is within all of us has been from day one and will be with us to the end of all of our days be positive and think positive

[sometimes_miss]

It's self defeating, but there is no other option, for, NOT crossdressing winds up with worse consequences to our minds than just doing it. The stress, the distractions, the short temper, the forgetfulness, the sleep disturbances, the depression, all of that can come about from trying to force ourselves to avoid it.

[Allisa]

The act of CDing in and of itself is not self defeating except for maybe ones sense of worth(shame).Hiding inside or as you say not being seen while out(blending)how will society know we exist, they do, they just don't want to acknowledge us because their understanding of us is antiquated and learning would take up time and go against the grain of their beliefs. Without going into my way of life, suffice it to say that I am "out"(I hate that term) to my neighbors and I live among them doing the same things that I always have except for my choice of self expression now, they may not like it but here I am, so now they can say "one of them" lives on my street. All SAs I come in contact with on a regular basis now know a CDer, and so on and so on. I may just be one person but I like to think I'm opening doors toward acceptance. Iv'e always marched to a different drummer but who'd a thought I'd be banging on this one?

[phili]

Hi Charlotte,
You are getting a lot of really good replies, and we are all wanting to help you step out of feeling that crossdressing is self-defeating behavior.

SDB does exist- as an aspect of human nature is to do things to undermine our happiness> sometimes just carrying out the intent of an oppressor for them, or simply being reluctant to move forward into the unknown, or perhaps knowing what is ahead and not having made up our minds about it- which is sometimes described as 'fear of success'!

But - cross-dressing is an action taken to resolve our tension- and in that it is the opposite of self-defeating. It is purposeful and it works. If we dress only in stolen moments for ourselves, we do it because we finally feel what we need to fee- a confirmation of sorts. We feel good- we want it to last. We don't want just to barely and occasionally see ourselves that way, we want it all the time, or at least more of the time!

Action plan- it is clear that if we don't go out, people won't find it easier to accept us. Every minority has this problem. But if you are not going out, you are not self-defeating, you just are not getting all that you want,a nd not contributing to making it easier for yourself and others in the future.

It is now pretty clear that in most places it turns out to be a non event to go out. Trans people all over the place are popping up, and it is everywhere in popular culture. You and I come from a time when it was seen as perverted and catastrophic to admit. That time has passed, thankfully. There are a tiny minority of mean-spirited people trying to roll back the tide, but in practice the ACLU is still on its feet and swinging on our behalf. And most people really understand- it is just a gossip item for those so inclined.

So society is not hindering us to any degree. Most of us our limited by our relationships. In those, the compromises we choose [not our cross-dressing impulse or enjoyments] are more or less self-defeating, and we really have to work to balance them somehow with wins in the relationship. But that is the nature of marriage, and families are in the end disposed to accept the reality of family members, once their remonstrances and rejections are understood as not persuasive.

If you are not going out in order to defeat yourself, that is something to work through!!! It would explain your feeling that you are caught in a catch -22- but it is really a misstatement of the facts.

[Tracii G]

Back to the original question... No not in my case but yours maybe if you yourself make it that way.

[Bobbi46]

TraciiG.. Same here amen to that.

[phili]

Hi Charlotte,
You mentioned one obstacle seemed to be that you didn't feel you wanted to be either a transformation artists or a [I assume you mean some sort of 'chest-beating male ] MIAD- and that you wished there was an option to just be your version of you.

Well- yes- the diversity of crossdressing that is reflected here is very broad and very diverse in its detail. ALthough there is a general meme that one tries to pass or doesn't try at all, these are not the only options. The TG thread history has lots of discussion of various ways people feel about their gender, and feel most comfortable expressing it in behavior, clothing, grooming, etc.

Rather than MIAD you might want to use PIAD [person in a dress], which category may nicely include you , whenever you are in a dress] Or you can forget labels, since in real life no one asks me if I am a MIAD, they just see I am a PIAD, and life goes on after that. I just chat with people as the person I am and the dress fades into the background.

Phil

[Beverley Sims]

I always found dressing as an achievement, why?

Because I was fortunate and really looked like a girl.

You see I started as a 98lb weakling and did not pursue the Charles Atlas weight lifting programme. :-)

[Patience]

Charlotte,

I've given your question some thought and I think a person in your situation needs to find an ally. An accomplice, if you will.

If there's a person in your life with whom you have a respectful and honest connection, and who you trust to keep a secret, you might consider coming out to them. This is not just for their benefit, but for yours as well. Bottling up one's feelings is extremely unhealthy (I should know) and it will do you a world of good if you don't force yourself to carry this burden on your own. I think it's what they mean when they say confession is good for the soul.

Once you got yourself an ally, you might become comfortable enough to let them see you dressed. Your friend might be able to provide you with honest opinions about your presentation and point out things you might not have considered yourself. When you feel you're ready to make your maiden voyage, that person might even be willing to accompany you. Speaking for myself, some of the most enjoyable times I've experienced dressed happenned when I was in the company of friends.

I sense that this intense theorizing may be connected to the fact that you are so closeted. While not mandatory, I highly advise you to try to build a support system (at least one person) around yourself before considering going out. Good luck.

[Tracii G]

When one is deeply in the closet over theorizing is something they do a lot of. The old what if line of thinking.
Sometimes fantasy becomes the only way one can get by or at least cope anyway.
The ally idea could help but you need to understand if the person isn't cool with it you may lose them as a friend and gain an enemy.
Find a support group close to you and try that.It was a great decision for me and perhaps it could help you.

[Rachelish]

Charlotte

Another thought-provoking thread

A lot has been said which I'll try not to repeat but I think Phili has it right at #11, "what we do is purposeful and it works". If it didn't achieve its primary aim we wouldn't do it. How we describe that aim may differ: being true to oneself, finding the inner woman or whatever, but without meeting that objective I think we would feel defeated. For me it's the joy of allowing that feminine part of me to free, if even only for a moment and (if we put aside the going out bit for a moment) in secret.

In situations where this causes issues in our primary relationships does it then become self-defeating? Perhaps, if the joy we get is negated by guilt or negative feedback then we are no further forward. We win some, we lose some.

Where going out into the wider world dressed fits in is in adding to the 'wins'. I know from my (admittedly limited) experience of this, and from what others have repeated here often, that feedback from others is largely neutral and often very positive - it's a win. We are also making the case for acceptance in a meaningful way by getting people used to seeing us out there - another win.

My biggest fear of going out was of not being seen as 'acceptable'. At first I thought that meant being indiscernible from a woman but when I accepted that would never happen I concentrated on being really happy with how I looked (for myself) while being as 'unremarkable' as possible. I can still suffer enough doubt to abandon at the last moment but have never regretted any experience I've had once I'd made the decision to just go for it. It takes a lot but it can be done and the world doesn't end.

I'm now in the slightly odd position of having been seen, and largely accepted, by many people, but not seen by my SO. That's quite a big negative but I still consider myself to be in a winning position, though with a lot to lose.

While you may not have been out yet, from what I understand your SO is aware and in an earlier thread you described how you had enlightened a friend about the realities of transgender issues and how that had had a positive effect on his views. If you were denying yourself the freedom to dress in the way you want perhaps you wouldn't have had the confidence to do that?

From this viewpoint I think you are already making a positive difference to yourself and beyond so self-defeating? It's a 'No' from me

Rachel

[Charlotte7]

Thanks for the replies to the questions that I have asked, and the concern shown. However, the thread wasn't really intended to be about me specifically, nor was it supposed to be introspective. I was attempting to ask a much broader question about how can we normalise cross dressing in society as a whole? And, if that could be done, if we could break the two gender model of society which is prevalent in Western culture, would this help those cross dressers who live in DADT or, much worse, in fear of discovery? That was the question I hoped I was asking.

As for me, I'd like to reassure everyone that I'm fine, although I do realise that in not going out, I'm not helping answer my own question.

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
We could be talking a bout two levels of acceptance here , a wife /partner expects different things from us compared with the public . Our roles are different between privat and public , I don't think my wife will ever lose the notion of me as her husband / father/ grandfather . Most of the public only know me as Teresa now , their expectations are based on that presentation , I'm not sue if I can say it's a normalised acceptance but I do know it's working fine .

Living in a DADT situation is fine for some peolple they don't have a problem , I think the problem is trying to shake off those instilled DADT feelings when you do go out in public. The people you meet don't know those circumstances or that you may be living in a two gender role , it's mostly in our heads that these problems reside .

I've been out as usual today and been asked to help out with taking pictures of second hand goods and furniture and also been offered the chance to run my art group in a converted barn , there are very few barriers , you just have to be yourself and show you are interested in other people , they will respond in ther same way .

[Helen_Highwater]

Charlotte,

Would I be correct if I said I read it as; Go out such that you pass the world doesn't know you exist as a crossdresser therefore you don't promote our cause. The world needs to see crossdressers so as to be aware of us and hopefully to begin to regard what we do as just another aspect of a pluralistic society.

Further, it should be a non event for anyone who wish to go out in whatever style of clothing they so choose.

If that's the case then I couldn't agree more. It should be a non issue and for many people it is. That's been achieved by the efforts of a relatively small number of our community who go out and mingle with the muggles presenting a face of normal human beings who just have a different style sense. Coupled to this is the role the media have played in presenting the plight and struggles of many Trans people in a positive and caring way. True the media isn't universally on our side and there are still misinformed and bigoted people out there but it's far from doom and gloom.

The vast majority of us(>95%) don't pass. Many do a good job of blending into the background and so you could argue that doesn't promote the "free to wear whatever" ideal. I'll argue against that. It's the effect those many small interactions that those individuals have were those coming into contact with them don't experience a massive, in your face shock that may come from simply meeting a MAID. It's a more gentle event that acclimatises them to the idea of dressing differently to the accepted norm isn't that earth shattering. In that way boundaries get pushed back.

Each and everyone of us who goes out plays a part in altering societies perceptions. They may be small steps but they move things in the right direction. In going out, not only do you fulfill your own desires of self expression but you add to the enlightenment of society that hopefully one day will result in total freedom to wear what you what, when you want, where you want.

Ever heard someone say. "It's about time somebody did something about this!". I've been known to retort, "Are you a somebody or a nobody". "If you're not a nobody why don't you be that somebody". Our cause needs more somebodies to help bring about change.

[HollyGreene]

From where I am now, I don't see it as self-defeating at all, and I agree with other respondents that it is all down to you own mind. Not how other people see you, but how you think they see you.

I am in a really good place with my CDing. I love being a CDer. I have the confidence to go into shops as a male and buy women's clothes, underwear, cosmetics, etc., knowing that nobody is going to judge me or out me, or cause a scene.
When I go out dressed as a woman, which is not as often as I would like, I spend a lot of time getting my makeup, hair (wig) and clothes just right. I dress like other women - exactly for the occasion - so I don't stick out like a sore thumb, and I pass amongst them largely unnoticed.
I don't have a feminine face, but good makeup fixes that. To be honest, there are a fair number of women in my area who look more masculine than me!
I'm tall, so I wear flat shoes, but then so do a lot of the women around me, so it makes sense in terms of blending in.
I wish I had reached this place when I was much younger, when I had a better figure and a more youthful face that would have been easier to transform with makeup.
But the point is, it hasn't been self-defeating for me. It's been quite the opposite. I have confidence in what I do and no guilt about it. It has made me stronger psychologically, and I am free of the prison that was my own mind.

My only regret is that I am in a DADT relationship, but that's not my problem; it's my wife's problem.

[Nikki A.]

We are who and what we are. You mentioned that if we blend then we are not helping the cause. I don't think I pass or blend well, but I do what I do for me and not for others. However, if I am read, I hope that people see someone who is comfortable in their skin, and that I am not a threat to them or anyone else. If I'm the first CD they've ever noticed (maybe never realized) at least I hope I'm seen in a good light.

[VivienneH]

That was a great reply Holly and is exactly how I see things too. Xx.

From where I am now, I don't see it as self-defeating at all, and I agree with other respondents that it is all down to you own mind. Not how other people see you, but how you think they see you.

I am in a really good place with my CDing. I love being a CDer. I have the confidence to go into shops as a male and buy women's clothes, underwear, cosmetics, etc., knowing that nobody is going to judge me or out me, or cause a scene.
When I go out dressed as a woman, which is not as often as I would like, I spend a lot of time getting my makeup, hair (wig) and clothes just right. I dress like other women - exactly for the occasion - so I don't stick out like a sore thumb, and I pass amongst them largely unnoticed.
I don't have a feminine face, but good makeup fixes that. To be honest, there are a fair number of women in my area who look more masculine than me!
I'm tall, so I wear flat shoes, but then so do a lot of the women around me, so it makes sense in terms of blending in.
I wish I had reached this place when I was much younger, when I had a better figure and a more youthful face that would have been easier to transform with makeup.
But the point is, it hasn't been self-defeating for me. It's been quite the opposite. I have confidence in what I do and no guilt about it. It has made me stronger psychologically, and I am free of the prison that was my own mind.