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Thread: SO is jealous of my fem side because I treat “her” better?

  1. #1
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    SO is jealous of my fem side because I treat “her” better?

    I was having a discussion with my SO about my CDing/TS side last night, and she admitted something to me which I am having a hard time understanding. She says she is jealous of my fem side because I treat her (my fem self), in her words, as my “side-chick”, buying her gifts like clothing and makeup while apparently not showing her (my SO) the same level of attention. It’s like she thinks I have a split personality disorder, where I see my fem self as a completely seperate identity.

    I explained to her that I am not my own “side-chick” and that I’m not buying “gifts” for my fem self and that I AM my fem self and that it is no different than her buying herself some new makeup or clothing. Also, she made it clear that she was not jealous of the simple fact I was buying things (if I bought men’s clothing there would be no issue), but the fact that I am buying things for my “side-chick”. She says she understands, but can’t help the jealousy she sometimes feels.

    Anybody have an experience like this? How do I show my SO that there is nothing to be jealous of and to get this crazy idea out of her head that I am my own girlfriend?

  2. #2
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    SHES TELLING YOU SHES NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF YOUR TIME AND ATTENTION! Take a break from buying clothes and makeup for a bit and use that money to take her out. Going forward, whenever you buy something fem for youself buy something for her too.

    The problem is that she sees your “guy” stuff as a necessity, but your girl stuff as a luxury, so when you spend all this time and money on your “side chick” you are essentially being selfish and not thinking about your wife.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    The problem is that she sees your “guy” stuff as a necessity, but your girl stuff as a luxury, so when you spend all this time and money on your “side chick” you are essentially being selfish and not thinking about your wife.
    That’s a really good point Micki! Looking at it from that perspective, I CAN see the difference between her buying girl things for herself and me buying girls things for myself. Ok, So maybe she isn’t “crazy” and I need to work on some things instead.

  4. #4
    SOMA addict Connie.Marie's Avatar
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    Kas,
    I agree totally with Micki. She wants & needs more of your attention.
    You say it yourself in your post. Reread your second sentence. "She says she is jealous ... because I ... (am) not showing her the same level of attention"
    In your conversation with her, you focused on the "gifts" and missed her underlying need.

    Find out her love language, what it takes for her to feel loved, and cater to it..

    Hope this helps.

    Hugs, Connie
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  5. #5
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    I agree with the posts so far.
    Maybe you are going to far to fast for her to handle it all and its very selfish of you to treat her that way.
    Just because she tolerates your fem side doesn't mean you have a green light to go hog wild.
    Many CDers make this mistake and I have seen it happen all to often.
    Its obvious she sees your fem side as the competition.
    IMO you are being unfair to your SO.

    What if she was the crossdresser and you were the spouse having trouble how would you feel?

  6. #6
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    you better slow down and show that GREAT woman some loving or you are going to have a bad day

  7. #7
    Senior Member April Rose's Avatar
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    I have some experience with this. You are being given good advice here. Take it.

    Women, no matter how open minded and accepting, are human beings, and human beings are subject to insecurity, and doubt. If you want to overcome those doubts, make a very concerted effort to show her that she is your focus.

    If you can't do that, then maybe you need to reexamine where you really are at.
    I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    What if she was the crossdresser and you were the spouse having trouble how would you feel?
    This thought has gone through my mind on several occasions. To be honest, and I know this is hypocritical, but I think I would have an extremely difficult time accepting it. At least once it got past a certain point (facial hair would be tough to get over)...

    Thanks for the advice girls. Maybe I do need to take a step back for a bit...

  9. #9
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    Its not hypocritical at all if you are being honest to yourself.
    People these days have a hard time being honest with themselves.
    They can't seem to understand its quite possible they might be wrong about something.
    People in relationships need to step back and realize its not all about them because it takes two to make a relationship work.
    I have lots of experience with this and I try to warn others of the pitfalls and get them to think twice about what they are doing.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Kas, You already have some very good advice here but let me say that your wife sounds very good so do not screw it up. Make her the #1 in your life as she may not feel that right now. Treat her very special and let her know how much you love her. Your situation could easily go very bad. Be careful! Crissy

  11. #11
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    You are discussing it with her so I think the issue will eventually dissipate.

    Just buy something for her, your wife, now and then.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  12. #12
    mini kilted chick t-girlxsophie's Avatar
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    Maybe just slow down a little consider perhaps buying her something nice or taking her out for a meal to show her your always thinking of her.The good thing is she's articulating her feelings to you shes not,and correct me if I'm wrong,saying it in an angry or confrontational way.Talking things through is the right way to resolve things,sounds like you have a good woman there

    Sophie
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    A woman who loves to wear beautiful clothes is like a flower.
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  13. #13
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    Yes, Tracii's correct here, we need to recognise the traffic signals and be wary of going too far, too fast and spending too much attention on us and our needs, (yes, they are needs). She's quite right when she says that it takes two to make a relationship.

  14. #14
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    Agree with Micki on this one. Spend time with your SO as well. Sounds to me like she is trying to deal with her own feelings how to see you. Show her that she is still very important to you.

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member RachelPortugal's Avatar
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    Yes, Micki is right.

    I know my wife is happy for me to make occasional CD purchases without mentioning it first, but she can and does say, enough for now, which is the case at present in respect of shoes, although she did choose the last pair we bought with our money (it is all our money). Then yesterday afternoon as we started to select Rachel's wardrobe for our trip to the states, she said my favourite wig looked dated and that I should buy a new one.

    Today we checked out a few shoes shops for her, but nothing caught her eye, but we will have some room in our luggage for when we return from the states.
    Rachel,

    As a crossdresser my personality has several facets. Therefore, I suppose I can be forgiven for being facetious.

  16. #16
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    I know a lot of you mean well when saying just buy her something or take her out for a meal but isn't that how guys deal with their wives when they get caught cheating or messing up really bad? Sounds kind of sexist really.
    Do more than that talk with her explain how important she is to you and how you cherish everything she does for you.
    Most importantly that you love her more than anything.
    She doesn't care how much you buy her or if you take her out to eat its the little everyday things like love and respect and compassion that mean the most. Be the man she fell in love with first and the girl side needs to take a back seat right now before SHTF.

  17. #17
    Happy Member Fran in skirts's Avatar
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    Smile

    Tracii is right on and I agree 100% with her. Don't just buy her love give her love. Talk to her as the man she married and not as the "Side Girl" it seems you present to her. Make her understand that she is the only woman in your life, pay attention to her needs and wants. Then go very slow with the CDing for a while or you will regret not doing so.

    Fran

  18. #18
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    From Tracii G
    Be the man she fell in love with first and the girl side needs to take a back seat right now before SHTF.
    This is excellent advice. Your SO is giving you some very important information. If you plan to continue a relationship with this SO, you would be wise to follow the guidance that was shared on this forum. You don't need to take a back seat to your SO, just exercise some balance in your relationship.

  19. #19
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    I'm a little confused. In your thread "Told SO I want to be a girl" you stated that you are starting hormones and are seemingly on the road to transition. There is lots of advice here to slow down a bit but if you are starting transition it seems a little late to be slowing down a bit, the end result will be the same at any speed.

  20. #20
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Daisy is right! Best wishes for a happy outcome with your SO.

  21. #21
    mini kilted chick t-girlxsophie's Avatar
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    I would like to make it clear I dont buy my wife her love.She is supportive of me and I can assure you I do everything I can Not to go over any line,if I did she would tell me So.I show my love for her in many ways (as she does me)and not always in grand gestures,certainly not through any kind of sexist way

    Sophie
    We look to Scotland,for all our Ideas of Civilisation-Voltaire

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  22. #22
    Stop that, it's silly.... DIANEF's Avatar
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    Having an SO who is onboard with your dressing is a rare and precious thing (I would imagine). I wouldn't do anything to upset that situation.
    Here today, gone tomorrow....

  23. #23
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I'm a GG. I experienced the same feelings as your girlfriend during the first few years I was dating my SO. I never was able to fully explain why I felt that way, other than I was jealous of the light I saw in my SO's eyes when she dressed, that she didn't have for me. This is my second relationship and all my life I had been with a man who bought pretty things because he appreciated seeing them on me! I knew with my ex that I was the woman in a hetero relationship, but I didn't feel this way with my SO. I experienced feelings of loss. It did work itself out eventually but it took years.

    Micki Finn, Tracii G, and others gave wonderful advice. Your girlfriend does need to know that you are into her as the man that she fell in love with.

    Edit -
    I just saw your post about starting HRT. It might be difficult to show your girlfriend that you are into her as the man that she fell in love with, if you are beginning to erase your manhood. Are you also taking testosterone blockers? Does your girlfriend know? Are you both prepared for the eventual loss of male sexual functioning?

    Maybe your girlfriend's emotions have more to do with the fear of losing her male lover than anything else? Does she see herself in a sexual relationship with a woman, or is she solidly hetero? (By hetero, I refer to the sexual relationship ... female and male sexual coupling)
    Last edited by ReineD; 10-29-2018 at 02:45 AM.
    Reine

  24. #24
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    Thanks for the replies girls. I have been trying much harder these last few days to show my SO some extra TLC and it has definitely helped a lot. I havent asked her if she still feels the same, but it certainly seems things are better. Reading some of your comments helped me to see how lucky i am.

    Thank you all for the comments!

  25. #25
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Not going to address the HRT/ Reine made good points

    But addressing your orig post in this thread about wife feeling you treat your girl side better than her ( like a side chick)


    I know for myself I did have little bits of feeling that way off and on when Sherlyn would get that look of light in her eyes/ but then I would see her look st me the same way. Sometimes over just everyday things I’d see that light directed at me and that made the world of difference .
    So take the time to show her and make her feel your love for her.


    Add just saw your newest comment ( we must have been typing at the same time lol) that’s great to hear.
    Last edited by Di; 10-29-2018 at 06:18 AM.
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    Sherlyn,My beautiful sweet girl
    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️


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