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Thread: Wasting my time ??

  1. #1
    Member KymberlyOct's Avatar
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    Wasting my time ??

    As some of you may have noticed that are frequent visitors I have become much more active on this site recently. I went through a 6 month or more period of time that I stepped away - for no particular reason other than I didn't feel like I needed the support anymore.

    Well I still need support from friends, family, my therapist and some reading and soul searching. But I don't need the I'm scared / how do I do this - kind of support I needed when I first came here over 2 years ago.

    Recently I was thinking back on those early days of my transition and thinking about the people that really helped me and I met some of them here. Some was just good advice and eye opening opinions online and others I got to know in real life.

    Now that I have become more active again I am wondering to myself when writing these posts or replies.... AM I DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE?

    I really don't have any interest in watching myself type or trying to prove how smart I am. There are others here smarter than I.
    I am just trying to add opinion / food for thought because that is what I got when I came here in 2016.

    In short, am I adding to the conversation or just listening to myself talk?

  2. #2
    Member Paula DAngelo's Avatar
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    I've been asking myself the same thing. I think there is a lot of value that can be added by members that have real life experience and are out in the real world. Unfortunately it seems that there are a lot of times when that experience is at odds with what people want to be told and what they believe. It gets upsetting to see people asking for information/advice and then when they don't get the answer they want they cry about it and others rally around them trying to appease them. At times it seems like it's not worth the time to answer some inquiries because you know that the person posting just wants their views accepted/approved. The only thing that keeps me here is hoping that there are others that are reading and not posting that are being helped.

    I guess what I'm saying is it can be worth it if you believe that you could be helping someone and are willing to put up with the possible negative that you may receive.

    Disclaimer: My comments are just my opinion and are about the whole forum in general and not this one specific section.
    Last edited by Paula DAngelo; 11-01-2018 at 04:10 AM.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Do not feel that you are wasting your time! There are 28000+ members and only 3000+ who are active! I went to Keystone Conference and met a girl who follows me on the forum but never posts! She said she read my posts all the time and found them encouraging! You never know what influence you may have on others, so don't give up! They really are out there and listening even if you don't know it! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  4. #4
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I agree with Lana Mae....we canít know how our conversations here may be affecting others. I hope mainly for the good.
    You're a daisy if you do!

  5. #5
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Probably a bit of both. Thats i think how it is for me.. I type out alot of messages and then dont post because i realize i was just bloviating...

    But i have NO DOUBT that people are reading your posts and getting alot from them. In my opinion its invaluable for confused and distressed people to feel connected and find folks that express thoughts they've had and maybe never shared or couldnt come to terms with...

    We all have our different ways of thinking and expressing those thoughts..

    I do tend to see some over thinking and analysis paralysis.....but that's pretty normal and this is a good place to work through that and move on to more constructive things...
    I am real

  6. #6
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    Not wasting my time! I find myself at a crossroad but stuck. Yours and the experience strength and hope of others who have been through this or that are somewhere I have not been in the overall process are invaluable, so please post away! I promise to take what I need and leave the rest!🙄 Amanda

  7. #7
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    Keep posting.

    For me it was like the hockey stick chart- the learning curve was steep, but tapered after a while.

    When I first came here and started reading I was pretty lost but also grounded. Reading other peopleís stories that seemed sane, reasonable and credible played a part in helping me figure out myself. Iíve posted a couple times about how Kaitlynís story had some big simularites, and when Iíve posted my own thoughts and experiences and had others confirm theirís were the same also helps.

    I think there needs to be a balance. I also started here in 2016 and at that time the TS section was very much ďif youíre not always miserable and willing to destroy your life and claim the ďget past the gatekeepers narrative from the 60ís-90ísĒ, then youíre not TS, you're a CD. Very unwelcoming and cliquy. So Iím glad thatís changed. However, I also donít care for the super hugbox stuff either, where everything is pancakes and rainbows. Also not helpful.

    It can take people a while to peel back the onion. I had 25 or so years of denial to deal with. Are there people here that are lying to themselves about their GD and need to take HT and or transition further, or transition at all, and are probably just kinky? Yep. Are there some that are Benjamin type 5 where itís transition or die? Yep. And a bunch in between.

    Reading other peopleís true, honest stories helps. Stick around.
    Last edited by Nikki_P; 11-01-2018 at 09:03 AM.

  8. #8
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Yes, keep posting! I believe you are one of the "wiser" girls on the forum these days and I personally appreciate your posts. The forum needs woman with your experience and understanding, otherwise it would be only newbies exchanging info on breast size!

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member LeannS's Avatar
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    Please keep posting

  10. #10
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    as long as when we add a post we feel we are adding in something useful to the OP in particular, then it helps - all of us, we are wiser together than apart.
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  11. #11
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    I've learned so much here. And I seem to learn in two ways, first is by reading others posts and the second is attempting to answer or respond to others posts. Like some have already said, I often write a response and realized I'm just repeating what has already been said, not realizing I've already learned that lesson until I read what I would add. There is nothing here that says everyone HAS to read everything posted, if they aren't getting value from my post, move along. But if something clicks, the world is a better place.
    Sarah
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  12. #12
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nikki_P View Post
    I also started here in 2016 and at that time the TS section was very much “if you’re not always miserable and willing to destroy your life and claim the “get past the gatekeepers narrative from the 60’s-90’s”, then you’re not TS, you're a CD. Very unwelcoming and cliquy.
    Ive posted here along time...and ive seen alot of different posters...

    It is not cliquey...I dont think that's fair and I think it mischaracterizes a whole groups experience...i'm guessing a group that's experience differed from yours...

    not the biggest deal in the world...but "unwelcome and cliquey " is BS....
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 11-01-2018 at 05:25 PM.
    I am real

  13. #13
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    Of course it’s just my impression, but there was a core group of posters that was absolutely that way imho. They even had a nifty little acronym for themselves, and picked the same avatar theme.

    I should not have characterized the entire section that way though.
    Last edited by Nikki_P; 11-01-2018 at 12:46 PM.

  14. #14
    Member jentay1367's Avatar
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    I actually miss people like Zooey (Melissa) and Badtranny (Melissa Cherry). They made me think beyond the unicorn and rainbow's narratives. They warned about pink fog and how it really is a thing and that once you go down the rabbit hole, you might find yourself in dire straits if you're not cautious. So they took the time to speak to me introspectively, and I really appreciated that. They were smart women that took their valuable knowledge and time to educate. The best of forums like these. And this is the Transsexual forum, not a Transgender one. There is a difference and actually that chasm is rather large.
    That's not to say some cheerleading isn't nice sometimes, but a little bit goes a long way. Melissa Cherry was my guru when I was unsure of my motivations and I valued her jaundiced eye and gut checking perspectives more than those that would prod me forward. Now there's the kaitlyn Michele's who are rare indeed and she may be the crown jewel here. But anyone real like Kim is a welcoming voice and this forum would be a shell without those like her.
    Last edited by jentay1367; 11-01-2018 at 05:47 PM.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    One of the presenters at this year's Transgender Unity Banquet spoke at length about that "you're not trans enough" judgement that some level at others who are at different stages of their journey. The message was that it is destructive and needs to stop. We do see it here, but IMO it is rare. On the other hand , there is a fair amount of... let's call it native advice being handed out from time to time. Correcting misinformation, or simply calling BS, is not something I would characterize as judgey in that destructive sense, even though some might insist on taking it that way.
    On the whole, this section has always been a source of valuable insight and information to me, even before I finally realized who I really was.
    And Kim? Keep it coming. Your posts are nothing if not sincere.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member grace7777's Avatar
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    Kim, I like reading your posts on this forum, and hope that you will continue to keep posting.

    I like this forum, because you get a variety of perspectives.

    Grace

  17. #17
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    Ive posted here along time...and ive seen alot of different posters...

    It is not cliquey...I dont think that's fair and I think it mischaracterizes a whole groups experience...im guessing a group that's experience differed from yours...

    not the biggest deal in the world...but "unwelcome and cliquey " is BS....
    Kaitlyn,

    You have me beat on earliest signing up here. But that was only, LOL, by 2 years. Have we been here that long??? Anyway, I have always read the new posts and threads that interested me, from a few of the pantie threads to the heavier TS ones, and then the ones where the hardliners, defined as you like, would tell the "truth" (their truth), and sometimes, but not always get that chummy support from their peers. There was also a lot of disagreement among the TS regulars here that posted, good healthy ones too. And yes, there was a moment when from looking from the outside in, so to speak, that some clearly had the "trannier than thou", "no SRS - no woman", and from the past and just recently "you have to suffer before deciding to transition", exclusive type club (group) sort of attitude described by Nikki. It was real and I understand that being inside a group sometimes makes it hard to experience what those outside of it see and feel.`

    I was friends with some of them individually and met several personally at group or smaller get togethers, including those living here in the Bay area and several who came to the San Francisco Bay area for work and/or to meet up and have fun. I remember reading a lot of your posts years ago, as well as "all" the others. Not all of the past regulars in the TS section, which was the center for a lot of great serious discussion, were part of that group. You are maybe one of the last who has been around here the longest. I always like your posts here because they come from your real experience and are always offered in a balanced and informative way, giving food for thought to those reading your posts. Unfortunately, the activity in the TS section is way down now while the newish Non-Binary section has more activity, with, interestingly enough, many of the contributors, on hormones and well on their way to a binary role. It has become a safe place for them to give and get helpful information.

    I have shared in the past my opinions, similar to what Nikki said, directly with those TS posters, usually with defensive and negative results from some of them, which I understand based on my understanding of their history of struggling to get to where they are now. However, what I and many people felt and many commented on and complained about to them was that strong sense of exclusivity that they emitted in their posts. I believe that was one of the drivers to create the Non-Binary section where those who needed help, not overly tough talk could discuss their issues in a more friendly and accepting atmosphere, and I do not mean the the "yeah, you go girl" one. Just before the Non-Binary section was created, many of the regular and strong contributors in the TS section had already set up an off site communication group, and many of the other TS's moved away from this site as they moved on and hopefully prospered.

    I truly understand that when one is struggling to define and then be themselves when it comes to being TS, there are so many issues to deal with, a lot at the same time, that having a kindred spirit in an on line friend or friends (or maybe better said acquaintances) can be a great help. However, looking and reading from outside that past TS group, you can clearly see what I and Nikki and many others felt and described.

    So, coming to Kymberly's question as to whether her contributions are a waste of time, NO, they are not. Every little bit helps from tough and practical love to calm and detailed discussions that are generally the norm here now. I started from zero at 60 and found this site then. I have read and read and contributed when I think my comments may help, and I have learned so much from all the members here. To all reading this post, stay around and contribute when you think that you can, someone will probably benefit from your words, I know that I have.

  18. #18
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nikki_P View Post
    I also started here in 2016 and at that time the TS section was very much “if you’re not always miserable and willing to destroy your life and claim the “get past the gatekeepers narrative from the 60’s-90’s”, then you’re not TS, you're a CD. Very unwelcoming and cliquy.
    That negative mischaracterisation of what was written here at the time quoted does very many people a grave disservice and is well wide of the truth.

    There have always been members who come to cast stones at people who are genuinely sharing their experience and their concerns or who do not rush to cheer on people who like lemmings are rushing towards destruction. Those same people who cast the stones are usually the ones who propagate the misinformation about what is written here and the attitude of those who hang around to offer their experience.

    I don't post here as often lately as I once did, but it makes my blood boil to read such negativity about people who were offering real support instead of cheerleading people who in some cases looked set to ruin their lives.

    To come back to the OP: Kymberly you are always welcome in this section and your personal insights are more valuable than you might believe, please continue to contribute as and when you will.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 11-01-2018 at 05:40 PM.
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  19. #19
    Member Eemz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KymberlyOct View Post
    Now that I have become more active again I am wondering to myself when writing these posts or replies.... AM I DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE?
    ...
    In short, am I adding to the conversation or just listening to myself talk?
    I can only speak for myself, and I've only been here a short time. I really value the contributions on this forum from people like yourselves who have been through the turmoil that a lot of people here are still in, and have come out the other side. I'm TG/non-binary (though I didn't even know those words before I came here) and I know I'm on a journey, but I don't know where it will lead me. A year ago I would have said there was no chance I would ever transition. Now I'm not so sure. So I'm full of questions. You can't Google "if I start hormones does that mean I'll never have sex again" - you just get porn. Or trolls, or opinions from idiots who have no idea what they're talking about. But here I can get personal experiences from genuine people who are genuinely trying to help. And I always appreciate the honest answers - both "you go girl" and "no, hormones will not magically cure your depression".

  20. #20
    Member KymberlyOct's Avatar
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    Thanks to everyone that contributed. I didn't write this thread as a ( tell me how wonderful I am thing ) and it appears nobody perceived it that way thankfully. I was expressing a sincere emotion that I was having while posting a reply.

    I was thinking to myself " does what I am typing here really matter to anyone reading it" what is the purpose? It certainly wasn't to try to impress others with my insight. I am genuinely and altruistically trying to be helpful.

    This journey has been an evolution and I am certain I am not at it's end and probably won't be for however many years I still have whether it be 2 or 20. When I first came to this site I had all kinds of plans for the steps I was going to take, the surgery I was going to have and I thought I had everything all figured out.

    Ummmm. not so much.

    In addition to the interesting and insightful conversations I had here my mind was opened up to so many more perspectives such as previously mentioned Zooey and Bad Tranny (to use their user names) I actually spent some time with them in the Bay Area in addition to others.

    I was a newbie and drank all of Kool Aid as quick as I could. Then over time I began to disagree with some of their opinions and other opinions of their's have become the bedrock for what I now hold as my views on being trans and being OK with myself and living this life.

    By far the one smartest thing anybody ever told me was (Bad Tranny) and I have told her this many times online and in person. She said,
    The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself"

    Holy crap. I have quoted it back to her at least 4 or 5 times but I don't think she fully grasps the impact.

    Everything we fear, how the world looks at us, whether family, friends, co workers will accept us. It all stems IMHO from how we feel about ourselves.

    On the other hand I have rejected some other opinions such as the more trans than thou type of thing and the purely binary viewpoints of some.

    In short I took what I needed and left the rest behind. That's all I want to offer here. Take what I say that is good for you and leave the rest behind. I may occassionally say " I really think you should do blah blah blah" It's just my opinion.

    I plan on staying and wasn't really going anywhere but the thought crossed my mind "am I wasting my time?"

    I guess I'm not.
    Thanks

  21. #21
    Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KymberlyOct View Post
    "am I wasting my time?"

    I guess I'm not.
    Thanks
    No, you're not wasting your time.
    No one posting here is.
    I may not always agree with everything posted.
    But I can, and do, learn from the experiences of everyone here.
    Bless you all.

  22. #22
    Member jentay1367's Avatar
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    Yes, Melissa's observation on transphobes was a true epiphany for me as well. Serious food for thought that knocked down walls I hadn't known I had built. Stuff like that makes this forum valuable in itself. True gems.

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member WandaRae2009's Avatar
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    You are not wasting your time. There are many members here that read what many people contribute. They may not reply but what is said is very helpful. to many. I can say that I have read many helpful and useful posts to help me deal with a number if issues. For that I thank everyone the posts.

  24. #24
    Tis the season to be Mary docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Kym, when u feel you're "wasting your time here", u leave!

    If you'd been here as long as I have u may have lost track of how many girls u met here, as have I! I've met countless and chatted with them here and in person!

    My point being, I believe after you're out for awhile and live as woman long enuff u don't need to chat about it. Because you're too busy living your female life!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

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