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Thread: Could it be that my wife is more observant and discerning than I imagined?

  1. #26
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    If she bought you women’s tops, then it is obvious she doesn’t care about your CDing. In my opinion you’ve been given the green light, so GO!!

  2. #27
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Sounds like you’re hoping she’ll “figure it out on her own” so you won’t have to tell her yourself. 100% the wrong approach. Tell her before and things will go smoother.

  3. #28
    Aspiring Member EllieOPKS's Avatar
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    I would suggest you tell her how much you love the clothes she bought you. She will most likely buy you more. I am speaking from experience. In a good relationship you both want to do things that pleases the other. I have for years bought my wife very sexy lingerie because she likes it. I also put on a pair of her panties after a Romantic encounter. I told her how good they felt and in a couple of days I had 3 new pair in my dresser. As far as telling her about the full Ellie, I don't think I personally could feel comfortable sitting across the table from her. But that's me. You have to decide where your own comfort level is at. But trust me if you want more clothes tell her how much you love the stuff she got you. 😉

  4. #29
    Member ambigendrous's Avatar
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    You need to take the quote in your avatar to heart - don't play with her! Be honest: most wives really appreciate honesty in their men...
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  5. #30
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    It is best not to keep secrets. If she finds out on her own she will wonder what else you are hiding. Chances are, any limits she sets won't be any worse that the current situation.

  6. #31
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    Sounds like your wife knows more then you think.




    Pretty in Pink

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maid_Marion View Post
    If she finds out on her own she will wonder what else you are hiding.
    I don’t believe this is true at all. I think the majority of women understand how hard it is/would be, to come out about something like this. I doubt they would automatically assume you are hiding other things as well...
    Last edited by Kas; 11-05-2018 at 09:31 PM.

  8. #33
    Senior Member Glenda58's Avatar
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    Don't read to much into it. My wife were on a trip on the another side of the state shopping. She went into a women's clothing store as I stood outside when it started to rain. I went in the store she was buying a rain coat for herself and told me to get one for me. They only had women things so I got a nice rain coat. I still have it but she doesn't like me wearing it with her. She has done this a few times also.
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  9. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kas View Post
    I don’t believe this is true at all. I think the majority of women understand how hard it is/would be, to come out about something like this. I doubt they would automatically assume you are hiding other things as well...
    Oh gee, you couldn't be more wrong Kas, I am afraid. It's not an automatic assumption, it's the truth. You HAVE been hiding and you COULD be hiding a million things more. I haven't personally regained one gram of trust back for my partner and it's been 6 months now. This hide and seek you are playing up can have disastrous concequences the longer you are playing it. Of course I do understand his struggle now but that doesn't justify the deception. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I knew about the underwear for years. When he told me the extend of it, I was stunned. His excuses of thinking I knew sounded ridiculous. And they still sound ridiculous today. 99% chance your wife has no idea and if you approach this thinking she does, you got a rougher road ahead of you than you can imagine. Clear words explaining what you are, are the only way to ever come out to her. IF this is your intent, of course. If it's not, please do both of you a favour and stop thinking she's got an ulterior motive. Chances are, she doesn't and this is all in your head. I am sorry if I sound harsh but seriously, this has to stop at some point and those who choose to have a partner in their lives must respect their partners enough to give them a choice as well. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

  10. #35
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    Yes, with modern society programmed to apply the rules of the game of "crime and punishment", once proven to have deceived, unfortunately nothing else is assumed true; more deception is assumed. Empathy and putting oneself in others' shoes are in short supply, so while yes some women can and do understand, most will not; not at all.

    However, the OP's later responses show that their wife is at least tacitly acknowledging some level of crossdressing, and might well be "just giving enough rope for the truth to come out". As long as it is CD-only, I can imagine she will be fine with whichever, but if the deeper truth is transition, then all bets are off, imho.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  11. #36
    Silver Member Elizabeth G's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kas View Post
    If she bought you women’s tops, then it is obvious she doesn’t care about your CDing. In my opinion you’ve been given the green light, so GO!!
    I hope this was response wasn't serious.

  12. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elizabeth G View Post
    I hope this was response wasn't serious.
    If your wife buys you a complete women’s outfit, for you to wear, then you would assume she is ok with you wearing women’s clothing (crossdressing), no?
    Last edited by Kas; 11-06-2018 at 05:50 PM.

  13. #38
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    I don't know, I think I might feel like Cathreen on this... it's not even the thing itself at some point (unless it's a crime or something truly awful)... it's... do I really know you at all? How can I trust anything else you've ever told me? You're my partner and you've been keeping this from me for 10 years... how can I believe, well, anything? I could maybe get over it, but it would be a long climb back...

    Note to the OP - I'm not saying that's what's happening in your case, just responding to Cathreen's thoughts in general.
    Last edited by Eemz; 11-06-2018 at 07:22 PM.

  14. #39
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    In my case, she started it by suggesting I wear women's tops as boys and men's tops look terrible on my body. She was worried about my work clothes fashion and the difficulty keeping a job through middle age. Then "I just did it." I bought VS PJs online and wore them to bed as soon as they came in the mail. No hiding. Later, as our relationship changed due to her declining health, she was the one who brought up the topic of underdressing. I didn't act on it, but it was now an option for me. It certainly helped that I talked about my interest in transgender issues before we got married. Which is pretty much where the line in the sand was drawn. We need to talk before HRT.
    Last edited by Maid_Marion; 11-06-2018 at 08:19 PM.

  15. #40
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Cathreen has nailed it, IMO. Everyone should read her post and take it to heart.

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    Quote Originally Posted by confused_cathreen View Post
    Oh gee, you couldn't be more wrong Kas, I am afraid. It's not an automatic assumption, it's the truth. You HAVE been hiding and you COULD be hiding a million things more. I haven't personally regained one gram of trust back for my partner and it's been 6 months now. This hide and seek you are playing up can have disastrous concequences the longer you are playing it. Of course I do understand his struggle now but that doesn't justify the deception. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I knew about the underwear for years. When he told me the extend of it, I was stunned. His excuses of thinking I knew sounded ridiculous. And they still sound ridiculous today. 99% chance your wife has no idea and if you approach this thinking she does, you got a rougher road ahead of you than you can imagine. Clear words explaining what you are, are the only way to ever come out to her. IF this is your intent, of course. If it's not, please do both of you a favour and stop thinking she's got an ulterior motive. Chances are, she doesn't and this is all in your head. I am sorry if I sound harsh but seriously, this has to stop at some point and those who choose to have a partner in their lives must respect their partners enough to give them a choice as well. Good luck whatever you choose to do.
    Sorry but I still disagree. Unless you asked your partner if he crossdresses and he said no, when in reality he does, then it is not lying or even hiding it. Maybe it’s just me, but I would like to think that if you are in a loving relationship with your SO, then a simple choice of clothing should not affect how you see them. Obviously, such as your case, you are not open minded about things like this, but many are and I know from experience.

    If you found out your SO liked to eat a food that you were not aware they liked, according to you, they are HIDING that fact and therefore must be hiding a million other things too. Seriously, If you lose THAT much trust in someone you love, JUST because they didn’t disclose voluntarily their like in a certain type of CLOTHING, then that is not their problem. It’s yours.

    Oh and by the way, I am lucky enough to have an open minded partner who accepts and supports me (unlike your partner). You know how she found out? I got caught. And you know what else? She didn’t care because it’s just clothing...
    Last edited by Kas; 11-06-2018 at 10:29 PM.

  17. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kas View Post
    Sorry but I still disagree. Unless you asked your partner if he crossdresses and he said no, when in reality he does, then it is not lying or even hiding it. Maybe it’s just me, but I would like to think that if you are in a loving relationship with your SO, then a simple choice of clothing should not affect how you see them....

    I got caught. And you know what else? She didn’t care because it’s just clothing...
    So in your opinion, every relationship should include a set of interrogation questions, such as "did you cheat on me while you were out with your buddies?" every time one goes out or "did you happen to commit a crime while you popped out to the shops?" since if they are not asked, then no deception has happened? And I see that you failed to take responsibility for your actions since you got caught and not come clean. And still refuse to do so. Additionally, if it's just clothes, the simple choice of what you wear shouldn't affect how you see yourself. Please understand that my beef is not with you Kas, your right to live your life with whatever set of morals or lack of that you want (by the way, whether I am open minded or not was again an assumption on your part since you don't know me). I am trying to stop this perpetuating myth of "hiding is not lying" and "if they love you, clothes shouldn't matter". Any new member who sees this and is in the closet might be looking for any justification of why they should stay in there. And you are providing this justification. From a woman's point of view who never had a relationship with a crossdresser before, if you present as male, we assume that we get involved with a male in appearance and in identity. That's the danger of assumptions. So OP, think of this if you are going to make an assumption about whether your wife knows or not. Because if you get it wrong, the joke will be on both of you, not just on her.
    Last edited by confused_cathreen; 11-07-2018 at 02:23 AM.

  18. #43
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Shawna, There are signs that she knows, you need to talk sooner rather then later. I feel you will be better off for it. Crissy

  19. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by confused_cathreen View Post
    And I see that you failed to take responsibility for your actions since you got caught and not come clean. And still refuse to do so.
    Umm did you even read my last paragraph? Still refuse to do so? What???

    Also, not sure if you’re aware, but many people actually WANT to stay in the closet for various reasons and there is no reason why we should be trying to persuade them to come out. It goes both ways.

    I don’t have an issue with you either. It just bothered me that other members are saying that your opinion is the truth, when I know from first hand experience that it is not. I also do not want new guests or new members to come on here and get the impression that if you get caught dressing, your relationship is instantly ruined or has to change in any way.

  20. #45
    Aspiring Member TiffanyTgirl's Avatar
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    My guess is she suspects something. To me, the ladies tops, one in an obvious ladies color. is the tip off. BUT, suspecting something and total acceptance are quite a distance apart. I hesitate to suggest how to move forward. It sounds like you want her to know, like driving in the rain, proceed with caution

  21. #46
    Junior Member Shawna's Avatar
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    I want to thank everyone for voicing their advice, concerns and opinions to what has become a bit of a divisive thread. I know without a doubt that (if for no other reason than I love my wife) that I'll need to share my whole life with her. How and when is still a bit uncertain, but I believe that (knowing myself) I won't be ever be truly free as long as there is such a huge secret. So thank you again, my sisters... ALL of you, because I truly appreciate everyone's opinions and points of view.
    "Be the kind of woman that makes other women want to be you." -Topaz

  22. #47
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kas View Post
    Sorry but I still disagree. Unless you asked your partner if he crossdresses and he said no, when in reality he does, then it is not lying or even hiding it.
    Oh please... You can't seriously suggest that every crossdresser here, who has taken all the elaborate and deliberate steps which we hear so commonly in this forum, to keep that knowledge from their SO, is not hiding something? That is preposterous on it's face. "OMG! What are you wearing?" is a far cry from, "I didn't know that you liked liver and onions."

    Congratulations on having such wonderfully accepting SO. I have one too, but I would never be so myopic as to assume that a deception such as the one were discussing will always end as it has for you.

  23. #48
    tiptoeing thru the tulips ellbee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kas View Post
    ...JUST because they didn’t disclose voluntarily their like in a certain type of CLOTHING...
    Not to nit-pick, but...


    Many CD'ers here (and elsewhere) apparently love to get *completely* dolled-up. And that includes any or all of the following, in addition to the clothing: Wig, make-up, body-enhancers, jewelry, perfume, painted nails, shaved body, purses, etc.

    Heck, some even "up" their game even more, to include voice, posture, movement, name, social media, whatever.


    IOW, it's more than just the clothing, for those -- it's about taking on the full female presentation (or at least how they view that).

    And at that point, it's more-or-less a new identity, of sorts... At least to an outside observer.


    What you describe, with just a "certain type of clothing," IMO, is more of a MIAD situation -- and *not* your typical femmed-up CD'er.

    So, yeah. There is a wee bit of a difference, there.

    And definitely one that may make a wife/GF a bit "concerned" about the whole she-bang.




    Anyway, to the OP...


    Take your situation for what it's worth. Nothing more, nothing less.

    Sounds like perhaps she just likes your guy-self, but a bit more feminized. With work-out clothing from the GG section, at that. Maybe she likes how it looks on you, how it feels to her touch, how more relaxed it makes you, etc. Hey, as a bit of a women's activewear aficionado, myself, I can't say I necessarily blame her!


    Heck, maybe it's even just a passing phase, for her. That it's a slightly different spin on things that she finds interesting & fun -- at least for the time being.

    Of course, how she feels today about it, is no guarantee that she'll feel the same way in a year, in 3 months, or even next week!


    And, of course, there is a BIG difference between comfortably lounging around in women's activewear (in guy-mode) on a lazy Sunday afternoon at home -- versus getting all dolled-up to the nines on a Saturday night, ya know?

    Might want to keep that in mind.


    Good luck!

  24. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kas View Post
    If your wife buys you a complete women’s outfit, for you to wear, then you would assume she is ok with you wearing women’s clothing (crossdressing), no?
    You definitely can’t assume anything unless you ask, sure that could make the walls come tumbling down but that is just the fact of being a responsible adult. If she buys you things ask her why? It might get the ball rolling.
    And yes, not disclosing large things can be a deal breaker, not just things you like, but just the image you put off, like if you hunt and she is a vegetarian, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.




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  25. #50
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    My ex wife once told me that my skin felt like sandpaper, and handed me a bottle of Vaseline skin lotion. This was not an endorsement of my crossdressing; it was a request to me not to feel like I was scraping her skin off every time I rubbed against her.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

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