Hi All -
Haven't posted in forever, but I just had to reach out as I haven't been able to attend a support group, get therapy or whatever—life has been incredibly hectic and stressful for reasons other than me.
That said, I recently started growing a beard essentially out of laziness and not wanting to shave. I would characterize myself as pretty follicuarly robust, with lots of body hair and a beard that can grow fast. I feel like Ive been at war with my body for a while and as I get older it gets more and more difficult to process what I see versus what I feel in the mirror.
So now I have a pretty great looking beard for the first time in almost 50 years. Everyone says that it looks distinguished and in my line of work pretty much everyone has a beard, and I can see a bit of a status upgrade as a result. Damn if being more self aware of gender sensitizes you to the privilege that comes with enhanced sex characteristics.
Short story: I hate it. I hate what it represents and I was surprised to feel the way I do looking at it. I think it may have even increased my sense of gender dysphoria.
I know the answer is to shave it off, and I will. But I wanted to ask the community if this has happened to you.
I'm not so gender dysphoric that I can't deal with life, but it is increasingly is more difficult and this damn affirmation of my manhood is really troubling. And to put a finer point on it, whats so troubling is my hatred of what it represents. Its not me—I see a pretty face covered up with what shouldn't be there. I see hours and hours of laser and electrolysis and thousands of dollars that I can't divert from my family. I see a joke played on me that makes me angry and sad. And the more that I feel this way, the scarier the implications become.
Thank you all so much for reading, and potentially replying.
Darla