Always needing "something"

[Rhonda Jean]

Phili's posts always make me think. MIAD is definitely not my thing, but other things that fall well short of full-on crossdressing are very much my thing. Maybe more that full-on crossdressing (now that I'm older, less passable, and lazier). But, there's this thing that has always been constant at least since I was an early teen or before. I have to always have something that keeps me from being full-on typical male. Sometimes I feel like I need something visible. Sometimes I'm satisfied with just panties and shaved legs that nobody can possibly see. This aspect is a whole lot more nuanced (read: crazy!) that blowing it all out in every aspect to present full-on female.

Often it doesn't even feel important... until I try to do without it. Panties, for instance. I've worn panties since I was in about the 10th grade. Love panties, but never thought much about it. When we had our first child I decided to put some of my feminine things aside and started wearing men's underwear. After months, and personally not even realizing I was "different", my wife told me I needed to just go back to wearing panties. I can't remember exactly what she said was different about me, but it was negative enough that she felt like she needed to say something about it, and she felt like switching from panties was the cause.

For all my life until several years ago, long hair was my constant outward thing. I knew that it was a crutch or a security blanket. It not only visually set me apart, but it was a "thing" for me that I cannot articulate. When I cut my hair it's not like I consciously sought some replacement, but some time later I realized that I had. I was dating a woman who bought me a purse that she fully expected me to carry in male mode. Good timing, I guess, because the purse became that thing that gave me that visual difference and that tactile security blanket type of thing that for a long time had been my hair. Weird, I know. This wasn't something I set out to do. It was only upon reflection that I could see that this is what had taken place.

Sometimes I feel the need or at least the desire to push things further. When I get a mani pedi (about every 6 weeks) I wear nail polish in male mode at least from Friday afternoon until Monday morning, if I can't stretch it out further (away from work). Sometimes it's bigger earrings. It used to be that I wore my nails ridiculously long. Heels in male mode. It could be anything, really. But it ALWAYS has to be SOMETHING!

Some of you are all or nothing. I get that. I also get that for some of you it's got to be a dress. I do my share of full-on crossdressing, but when I can't be fully dressed I have this need to be different, to always have a touch of femininity. A pacifier, I guess. Anybody else?

[Wildaboutheels]

Nobody KNOWS why we do this thing we do and to what extent we do/are we trying to pass or not. That is a common element here.

It's (CDing) like most things. Basic math. Do enough research with an open mind in the right places.. My guess is that most here (with an OPEN MIND) willing to spend at least an hour or 3 WATCHING at least one documentary on the miracle of our UNCONSCIOUS brain, and how IT is in control of so much of what we do and not our conscious mind...would stop fretting and fussing and fuming about the WHY. It's likely some combination of multiple factors. Which is not to say that it could be as simple as just being born in the wrong body for some.

Science has shown beyond any question, our UNconscious is easily able to multitask. Our conscious mind is very poor at it. We are NOT in control of "a lot of stuff" we do. Picking a mate is just one prime example. Many very bright people make bad/wrong choices in mates because we are not in full control of that process. Anyone claiming different is not living in the RW.

Amazon prime has at least a couple of good documentaries on this right now or did a few weeks ago.

No documentary is likely to provide THE answer for anyone but it will illustrate how we MIGHT be powerless to "control" this CDing thing.

Because of the sexual component so common to the vast majority, it does become an ADDICTION for many. One quick look at the views and responses to such threads confirms this. It's easy to notice that for most of the folks, that the sexual component is long gone, are over 50ish. Maybe way over.

[Rhonda Jean]

I don't know that I've ever really worried about why. I do find it fascinating how this thing manifests itself in such a wide variety of ways, even within myself.

Back when I was a little kid with long hair, and I was the only boy with long hair, I thought for a long time that almost all boys wanted long hair but their parents wouldn't let them. I'm still not sure I was all that far off the mark. Same with any cross-gender stuff. I think there a a lot of guys who would love to do what you or I do, but something keeps them from it. I also think that is changing. For the past 25 years I've spent as much time in nail salons as just about any woman. Until the last few years I had only seen one or two men in a nail salon, ever. Time before last that I was having my nails done, there were 4 (Including myself. I was in drab.) I got color on my fingers and toes. One guy across from me (who was with a woman) got color on his toes. Another guy had very long fingernails with color (don't know if they were acrylic or natural) and one guy I never saw well enough to tell if he got color or not. There were probably a dozen people all together getting their nails done, so about 1/3 of them were male. The most I've ever seen at one time by far, but still shows some movement toward acceptance.

[Robertacd]

Well I am always at least wearing woman's underwear. So to answer your question, yes it's always something.

This is not something that "I want to do" or "decided to do", it is who I am.

There's no "woman living inside me" that I have to let out. I don't have an alternate personality, I don't "become a woman" when I dress, I only look more like one. Truthfully I only go all the way (make up, nails, etc.) if I am going out in public and that is only for social acceptance.

As I always say, DRAG or DRAB I am the same person, with the same thoughts, fears, and desires, only the clothing has changed.

[Tracii G]

I tend not to worry about things like that, just seem counter productive to me and my happiness in who I am.

[Asew]

I am growing my hair out and most of the time my toenails are painted, so I guess those are my "something"s. I underdress maybe once or twice a month. I think it is nice to have pieces of this side of me to be with me at all times.

[sometimes_miss]

Nobody KNOWS why we do this thing we do and to what extent we do/are we trying to pass or not. That is a common element here.

Not true at all. I can tell you exactly why I feel the need to crossdress. Feel free to read my bio, the links are in my sig at the bottom of this post. Yes, it took me many years to figure it all out, but figure it out, I did.
I'm certainly not saying that why I do it, is the very same reason why everyone does it, but the fact that so many don't have any desire to do so for much of their early life, sort of indicates that it's not always something that they're born with.
Our minds are complex, and will even keep memories of traumatic events repressed deep, hidden away from our conscious minds, in order to allow us to function pretty much normally in daily routine activities. But the feelings that they can inspire can sometimes rise up out of what seems to be nowhere, causing aberrant behavior, such as what may feel like a seemingly unrelated desire to behave in a way that is out of what you might consider normal for yourself.
I've had psychiatric patients over the years, who've managed to live for many years pretty much normally, before some triggering event caused them seek treatment when they started doing something that they felt they had no control over. You know, like a newly experienced desire to crossdress that might have been triggered by the sight of a similar piece of clothing that they associated with some event from a much earlier time in their lives which was the real cause.
Narrowing such a triggering event down can often be almost impossible; we simply don't remember everything. But sometimes it can be worth the effort to try.
This is usually not something that someone can do on their own. So if you wish to attempt this, it would be wise to consult a therapist who can help you review and record what you CAN remember as you try to figure it all out. *Keep your own records too. Should your therapist change, die or leave the area, you could lose all those records and have to start all over.
And remember; you won't necessarily have an a-HA moment; but it may all start to fit together. For me, it was worth it because once I knew how and why it affected me, I was better able to control the other urges that I had, such as the forced feminization desires, the bondage fantasies, as well as the other submissive feelings and feelings of shame that I had, which affected my life in the real world. Most of that all went away once I knew why I was feeling them.
One of the big ones, was that I finally understood why I was having the desire for certain homosexual sex acts, even though I had no attraction to men, found those sex acts uncomfortable, had a severe distrust of men, get nauseous at any strong male musky odors (such as found in most men's locker rooms), and got no pleasure from it at all. That was a very confusing situation for a straight boy to try to understand, and made me wonder about being a repressed homosexual or transsexual, when it was in reality just a reaction to what was done to me during all the years of abuse.
Decades, it took me decades to understand it all. Maybe if there had been therapists back then available to me, I could have resolved all of this before it was too late. But the science wasn't available yet, so I struggled along on my own.

[Sami Brown]

When drab I am always wearing panties. I almost always wear women's jeans, shorts, or capris. Most of the time I am wearing women's shoes, which could be flats, sandals, or athletic shoes.

I am always wearing feminine jewelry including rings, bangles, and a necklace. On occasion I will wear a top that is more feminine than not.

I am definitely not MIAD, but I every day have a lot happening that moves me toward that direction. Like others have said, I don't do it because I want to be a girl. I just do it because I like it and have found that the vast majority don't care in the least. It took me a while to figure that out, but I am glad I did!

Sami

[Beverley Sims]

There is no incentive to improve yourself if you stop wanting something else.

Always push the boundaries, however so slight, it will improve you all over.

[RachelPortugal]

It's all or something for me. Whether it is just the underwear, but generally femme jeans or jeggings perhaps with girly coloured converse sneakers or even my ladies' hiking trousers for work with pink trimmed trainers. I have both ears pierced and at the very least have feminine studs, no masculine ear jewellery allowed. I only have a ladies' watch as they fit my slim wrist better than the chunky male ones.

A bit of my femme side is always on show, to a lesser but preferably greater extent.

Going out intentionally MIAD is not my thing, probably because I lack the confidence to carry it off and my wife wouldn't approve.

[Carolina]

Over the past year or so (empty nest) I’ve started to always wear something feminine. Now I always keep my toenails painted, legs shaved and pantyhose at work (very conservative environment). I see myself pushing the limits more and more even at work with longer lightly colored nails, and sometimes a bit of perfume. At home always heels (wedges) with the excuse to protect the achiles heel, and when alone or just with my wife, pushing more and more to present as Carolina, and not MIAD (which is what I have to do sometimes in front of my wife - who doesn’t like to see Carolina)

I really envy those of you who have it crystal clear: Some CDs with no desire whatsoever to go any further or those who are TG. Unfortunately I still don’t know where I lie on the spectrum, but my desire to go further continues to be strong...

[Leslie Mary S]

Well I am always at least wearing woman's underwear. So to answer your question, yes it's always something.

This is not something that "I want to do" or "decided to do", it is who I am.

There's no "woman living inside me" that I have to let out. I don't have an alternate personality, I don't "become a woman" when I dress, I only look more like one. Truthfully I only go all the way (make up, nails, etc.) if I am going out in public and that is only for social acceptance.

As I always say, DRAG or DRAB I am the same person, with the same thoughts, fears, and desires, only the clothing has changed.

I am like you I am me and ALWAYS me.
Here I sit after rooting through my closet to figure out what to wear, I picked out boy-shorts to go under the black felt full skirt with Pink Poodle applique with pink leash with a deep purple velvet top with long sleeve. Can't find my white poodle blouse, one of my black on white saddle oxfords, or white poodle socks. No I am not going out dressed this way.

Yes we each have something we do to link our female side to our drab side even when we MUST be a make.My link is wearing necklaces.

[Fran in skirts]

I am me and only me, but I dress in a skirt daily and every where I go. I always wear panties and hate mens underwear. I do not wear make up nor try to present as a woman, I really don't want to. I do get pedicures and color on my toes and sometimes on my fingers too. I present as a male in a skirt. I have been this way since I had a medical issue that forced me into panties and skirts. I love it!!!! I do not worry about what others think nor do I care what they say about me. My friends and family know so there's no reason to worry.

[DIANEF]

I never underdress but I do have some things that could be visibly noted as female. Both ears are pierced, when in drab a pink diamante stud in one and a gold hoop in the other. I have worn a women's watch for over two years now, my rings are much thinner than the typically clunky male type. I always wear a very fine silver necklace and often a bracelet of some kind. I have seen people looking at them but so far no one has ever made a comment. I wear all these things simply because I like them, not to make any look at me statement.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Rhonda,
I can’t think of a thing. Maybe it is being clean shaved???
Past work experience taught me not to wear jewelry.
So...no rings, watches, bracelets, or necklaces has been a way of life for me.
Long”ish” nails never last, and forget having them painted. I work hand in hand
with someone nearly every day.
Underdressing has never really been my thing either.
Otherwise I guess it’s just the memories, and looking forward to the next time.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[kimdl93]

Thought provoking topic, Rhonda Jean. For most of my adult life, I’ve always made some discrete concession, like underdressing. As I got older and perhaps felt a bit less constrained, a slightly more open self expression crept in... usually in my choice of tops, slacks or jewelry.

instinctively, I’m more of an all or nothing type of girl, but these accommodations helped me get from one moment to another.

[Alexandra Collins]

I am all or nothing, unless I am just trying something out at home. Besides my significant other, therapist, a few local crossdressers, and a few people at stores, no one knows about my other side. So I want to be in full male mode when I'm around my friends, family and co-workers.

[phili]

My theory is that our dressing desire is in exact proportion to our % need to identify as feminine, and wearing any feminine dress/grooming item qualifies as dressing. So if it is 'always something'-it means it is always an issue. We dress or underdress, or pine for dressing, always.

For those who regard it as a hobby and switch to full male, it is not 'always' an issue- it is then an occasional desire, amusement, etc.

[Teresa]

Rhonda,
I've found the subtle difference now I'm full time , I know it's still crossdressing but it doesn't feel like it , it feels normal, to dress in drab is becoming alien , no I don't hate it but it doesn't feel right. I always wear panties in either mode but have stopped underdressing otherwise because I'm dressed most of the time . The other point is I dress appropriately , it's not always practical to wear a dress or skirt , I never thought I would accept women's trousers or jeans but the materials are far more comfortable to wear than male ones besides you can dress them up or down to change the mood depending on where you are going . The same applies to footwear I prefer to wear a heel even if is only a 2" one because I've worn male flats most of my life .

It's really the hurdle of accepting the dressing need and deciding if you want or can do full time , once you've made that decision the to and fro questions tend to stop . I admit sometimes it is hard work on a daily basis but just stepping out the door and meeting people makes it so worth it . Being known only as Teresa in my new home town is something I don't want to lose now , it's what I've struggled to achieve for so long . ( I hate to say this but I'm 7 years older but I don't see it as any barrier .)