Self Acceptance ... What's your story?

[~Renee~]

Admittedly, accepting what goes on in me has been an interesting journey and I am wondering other people's experiences.

Are you more TG or more CD?

When did you finally give up resisting ?

Have you retreated for extended periods of time? Not purging but mentally

How has the stress of male life impacted you?

What's the biggest benefit you experienced by surrendering?

Me ..................

1. Definitely more TG
2. Late 40s .. I just plain admitted to myself
3. I get natural cycles where the desire is low, but never really ceases
4. Extreme stress diverts my attention and I wonder if I have this beat in those situations. But the inner sense can come roaring back in once the stress abates.
5. Tremendous peace

Thanks
Renee

[Lygophilia]

1. TG.

2. I never did.

3. No

4. It caused depression, partly alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts and actions, partly, growing up.

5. Hormone Reassignment Therapy gave me peace.

[Georgina]

1 CD
2 Never resisted
3 No
4 Male life is brilliant. I don't do stress.
5 N/A

[Michelle Vinova]

1. CD. Growing up, I never felt like a girl trapped in a guy’s body like I’ve read from TG’s, but have always been attracted (and urge) to the clothes and femenity of Crossdressing. I did have a Barbie doll along with my Legos and GI Joe’s though, haha. I feel like I’m more bigender if that’s a thing. I like being both.

2. 30’s. Grew up Catholic and felt it was wrong from conservative values. Had guilt and shame for a long time ... but after acceptance has been a good switch and never looked back.

3. No retreat, but I’m still closeted to friends/family other than SO who is tolerant.

4. No male life stress (out of the ordinary). I don’t have the drive to dress when stressed like many CDs; but I do get a pink fog when the urge comes (or when I know I have a “date to dress” coming up).

5. I feel SO much better about myself since acceptance. The battle to quit was a big stress.
The biggest challenge now though, is that now that I’ve accepted myself I want everyone else to as well...but logically career/spouse/family/friends/etc would be impacted in various degrees by being fully out. USA society is changing faster in acceptance of TGs than CDs, but a long way to go for us both.

[Ronnie38]

I am definatly a crossdresser.

I gave in and accepted fully about two years ago.

The desire never goes away. Every where i go I see cute outfits, pretty dresses, shoes...

I don't think stress triggers my desire to dress but i do stress about my desire sometimes if that makes sense.

What i get out of it is what i believe girls get from it. I get to dress in what makes me feel pretty.

[alwayshave]

1. CD
2. about 12 years ago.
3. Never ceases.
4. Not really
5. Peace

[Alice B]

All CD with a late start in my 60's.
Total acceptance before I actually started
Never have had any male related stress
Have periods where dressening take a back seat, but usualy related to extensive travel out of country
The ability to express myself in non traditional ways and loving the emothional freedom that comes with this

[Teri Ray]

Are you more TG or more CD?...………..CD

When did you finally give up resisting ?>>>>> Not sure of the exact time but it was a good while ago and I am really glad I did.

Have you retreated for extended periods of time? Not purging but mentally ……………...Sure......but my desire always came back

How has the stress of male life impacted you?>>>>>>>>>> I have no stress.....so this does not apply to me. I do not believe anything that happens in my life makes me want to dress. I just always wanted to.

What's the biggest benefit you experienced by surrendering? Whew..... I let the guilt and fear go away forever

[Tina June]

1: TG
2: Early 50's as a CD - progressing to TG by 60
3: Never receding, always moving forward - although not at a constant rate.
4: Life is Living, I am Me. Stress is just to be dealt with as it comes.
5: Deciding not to hide any more gave me a great sense of relief, and freedom.

Tina.

[JulesLynne]

1. I’m a CD and never felt like I had the wrong body. If anything, I’m jealous of women in the sense that they can wear what they want, indulge in feminity, and enjoy being beautiful.

2. I’m still resisting, although I did officially “come out” to my wife as a CD about a year ago. She was initially unsupportive, then supportive, then indifferent, and now seems much more overtly unsupportive... which has resulted in me attempting to “get back in my male shell and stay there.” But at the same time, I don’t want to stay here!

3. Have I retreated? Yup, every summer. It seems easier to shave my legs in the winter and it’s easier to dress around the house when the lil’ ones are in school.

4. Male stress impact? Hard to quantify. On one hand, I’m happy as a guy and like normal guy things. But on the other hand, the more time I spend in guy mode, the more I wish I could be a girl for a day or 2, which adds a lot of stress. The less I dress, the more I think about dressing.

5. Benefit of surrendering? I came clean with myself and did some soul searching. I still don’t fully understand myself, but I also came to realize that I’m surrounded by girls who are going through the same thing.

[Beverley Sims]

1.More TG.

2. When I was twenty.

3. Never let it go at all, some quieter times when other family interests arise.

4. The stress bit has occurred but only fleetingly.

5. Just carried on with being a woman.

[lynnstar]

CD. Been CDing off and on since 9. Quit for a long time but never lost the feeling. Restarted at 50. Dress now more than all previous years. My dressigis not a result of stress but More out of enjoying wearing women's clothing. Wife not tolerant or supportive. So can't dress as often as I like. However. Today I actually went out fully dressed. Went to a Wal-Mart gas station then stopped at a c onvience store. Not a word was Said and no negative remarks made at either place. I felt good about it. The reason I did go out dressed is because I finally after 17 yrs have come to accept that this is a part of me and will never change. I am at peace with it. I have no desire right now to go any farther. I have for many years always loved watching the sun set and sun rise. The colors of the clouds with their silver linings and so on. I have to live watching the sun set over the Pacific Ocean when I lived in California. Having said that, on Sunday, I am planning on going to a place near by, fully/casually dressed and watch the sunset. Been a dream of mine since I started dressing to watcha beautiful sun set while dressed. I can only imagine what it will feel like? But I plan to find out.

[ElianaFrozenflame]

Admittedly, accepting what goes on in me has been an interesting journey and I am wondering other people's experiences.

Are you more TG or more CD?

When did you finally give up resisting ?

Have you retreated for extended periods of time? Not purging but mentally

How has the stress of male life impacted you?

What's the biggest benefit you experienced by surrendering?

1. Definitely CD. I am happy as a man who is sometimes a woman.
2. Late 40s
3. Not since my twenties and early thirties. My wife played a huge role in drawing this side of me out.
4. It makes me a better human
5. Peace but also has encouraged deeper self reflection.

[Gillian Gigs]

1. Are you more TG or more CD?
A CD'er who has a mix of masculine and feminine sides.

2. When did you finally give up resisting ?
About 25 years ago I came to the conclusion that there are some things that I just couldn't change about me. That is when I started down the road to accepting myself for who I am. I came out to my wife who initially had some reservations, but over the years she has come to the point of accepting this side of me totally and helping me with anything.

3. Have you retreated for extended periods of time? Not purging but mentally
Not since I realized that there are things that I couldn't change. I have set my own limits on how far I desire to go with this whole thing.

4. How has the stress of male life impacted you?
I would use dressing as a stress relief. Usually it worked, sometimes it didn't.

5. What's the biggest benefit you experienced by surrendering?
Peace to just be me for who I am.

[GretchenM]

Hi Renee,

As Becky said, a great series of questions.

Are you more TG or more CD? - Definitely more TG with a kind of gender fluid behavior pattern and a much stronger inner sense than an outward sense that demands outward expression. A bit less than a year ago, the dual gender I sensed before vanished as they merged into a single gender identity that has a wide and continuous range going from mild masculine to moderate feminine. I still speak of it as a duality, but internally it is one and only one identity. I use the duality because that is what people understand and if I try to explain the wide continuous identity people don't understand it or even how that is possible. They are locked into the concept of gender and sex reflecting each other. They do to some extent, but the science has found they are fairly independent and generated by very different parts of the brain that are only marginally linked.

When did you finally give up resisting ? August 8, 2012 at about 3:30 in the afternoon. I read an article in the New York Times about young boys wanting to wear dresses. It broke open the dam of resistance that had existed for almost 59 years. Never looked back. Freedom at last. I finally understood what had happened although I had no idea what to do with this new realization.

Have you retreated for extended periods of time? Not purging but mentally. Lost count long ago. It was part of the resistance. "Maybe if I ignore her she will go away." Ha!!!!!! Never worked for me.

How has the stress of male life impacted you? Probably since I was about 5, although it may have been younger and I simply don't remember. My relatives have made a few comments about my early days that provide possible hints, but they could just as well indicate something else as well as their interpretation. I feel more content over on the femme side of my range, but now I know how to manage the more aggressive masculine side so it doesn't try to dominate and control but rather be a decent male that doesn't act like a bull headed fool - the Beavis and Butthead in me are now gone.

What's the biggest benefit you experienced by surrendering? I floundered around like a fish on the beach for about 3 years (tough fish). Then it all started to come together and make some sense. Therapy, group therapy, months of research and reading about gender in general, transgender specifically, psychology, biology, medicine, and history, including anthropology. I was finally able to formulate a theory of self that reflected what I felt and had felt. Of course I also had to overcome all of the nasty behavioral consequences of self-denial including deep depression, suicidal thoughts, nasty disposition, and all of that. Six years and three months and two days. Every minute was worth all the pain, bewilderment and suffering. Am I finished? No way. It continues to develop and change.

[Aunt Kelly]

We are all TG. Pardon me for waxing pedantic, especially over the labels we use, but transgender is an umbrella term to cover everyone who does not in all ways conform to their assigned gender.

[sometimes_miss]

1. More CD, but TG feelings will never go away, even though I know that what causes it, isn't actually TG.
2. After my divorce, when I realized that without a mate, I could no longer suppress the desire to crossdress for long lengths of time without adverse mental and physical reactions due to the mental stress of forcing myself to resist it.
3. I've stopped for months, but realized that it was pointless to cause myself stress 'just because'.
4. It's not the stress of male life; I've lived as a male for so long, acting the part is second nature. It's the stress of resisting the desire to feel and behave as if I am female.
5. Sleeping better. I'm more easy going, less high strung, and no longer short tempered.

[Becky Blue]

Great thread Renee! I am going to answer as if She was another person to make my answers clearer...
More TG on the continuum, but i am not at fixed point... I move back and forth

Never resisted, I had what I would call instant late onset one day at age 40, I embraced her immediately

She seems to be in charge of that, I have never knowingly suppressed her or tried to get rid of that side of me, but she left me totally for 3 years, 4 years after arriving.

No stress on my male life at all, she has been a huge factor in making my male life better and less stressed

I did not surrender, I embraced, having this other side to me has helped me in so many ways, I am a better person, a better husband, parent, son, business person etc..

[Patricia_Campi]

1. Are you more TG or more CD?
Definitely a CD. I really like my male side and also like my female side.

2. When did you finally give up resisting ?
Well I still didn´t. Not for me, but because of my wife. I accepted my CDing but could not made a full transformation because my wife don´t accept. It makes me sad.

3. Have you retreated for extended periods of time? Not purging but mentally
Never after I discovered it.

4. How has the stress of male life impacted you?
If I could fully dress, I would use it as stress relief, because dress makes me forget everything. It is like I am living another life for a small amount of time.

5. What's the biggest benefit you experienced by surrendering?
Inner peace. I huge feeling of acceptance.

Kisses

Patricia

[Fran-K]

Hi renee

- I am completely CD. Not interested in altering any factory original equipment, etc. I think of myself as Something like a a very very devoted hobbyist.

- I never “resisted”, never said “oh, this is a bad thing and I must not do it”.
For no reason that I recall, I started being interested in female clothing, etc, in my teens. I never felt it was wrong, just some stupid society rule that women wear dresses and men wear pants. Whatever.

- I went through about a 20 year hibernation that ended about two years ago. Don’t really know why.

- “male life”? By this it sounds like you’re asking how my male side and the things that I have to do as a male (most of my daily life) gets in the way or otherwise interacts/interferes/... with my female side? It doesn’t, really. It is true that due to circumstances, I do not dress nearly as often as I’d like, but that’s not really stressful, just annoying since I don’t get to indulge in my hobby as much as I would like!

- “surrendering”? I never didn’t surrender. What I have done is over the last year or so I decided to try to take things to the next level... try for a better presentation when in Fran mode, etc. as I’ve experimented in improving the “quality” of my dressing I’ve noted that my satisfaction level also goes up. As with most of life, if one’s happiness increases because of one specific thing, one is in general happier/less stressed, etc.

[Charlotte7]

1. Definitely more transgender and always has been. I was drawn to wearing girls clothes because I had, and still have, this quite large part of me that feels (knows?) that it is girl and that part of me has to be expressed

2. I never really did give up resisting as it is intrinsic to who I am and has always been, so I didn't resist in the first place. I started dressing at four and by the age of about 8 I was dressing fully in my sister's clothes, they fitted me better, and then, as I grew into them, I shared my mother's clothes too. However, I always dressed in private.

3. No, I have never changed since the first time I was able to wear one of my sister's dresses. I felt that I was being me, that I was meant to be a girl.

4. When I was much younger I had a greater degree of stress than I have now. I think that then I was nearer to being TS than I am now. Actually, if you could put me now, back to me then, and have society as it is now, I would transition. This realisation is only recent, in the last 5 years or so. However, it was a long time ago, times were different. Back then, I didn't see that any other way existed than dressing as the girl I wanted to be, I didn't know that anything else was possible. Being around girls was quite stressful as I so much wanted to be one, no, not wanted to be one, but felt that I was one. I went to a mixed school and on the bus to school we went past a girls' school. The bus was always crammed with people heading off to school and it was great to be crammed in among all the girls. I found it was one way that I could immerse myself in all things feminine. But, as I say, I didn't know what was possible and had no one to talk to about it. I hid this side of me from everyone else but dressed whenever i could. For me I have never dressed to look like a girl, I have never dressed 'as' a girl, I have always dressed because I am a girl, well, part of me is a girl. Over time. this just became the way I lived my life. I accepted that I would live it out as a male, but that I would always have this massive bit of girl inside me. Having this self knowledge, and having a partner who is able to accept me as I am has meant that I can live my life in a stress free way, simply by being me.

It is because of this deep seated reason for my dressing that I don't personally have any need to go the whole way. I don't have to wear makeup as that would add nothing to the situation, it would just be a painted me. When I dress, I dress to be me and so I don't need to do anything else. Likewise, I don't need to go out and about either for the same reasons. Being out in public wouldn't add anything to satisfying my basic need to be the girl inside.

Having, reread this last paragraph as I prepared to press the 'Submit Reply' button, I've hit upon an further thought about this. And it's to do with passing / blending and it, sort of, turns what I've said above on its head. The bit about dressing to be the girl in me is true and remains, but maybe I don't want to wear makeup, maybe I don't want to be out and about because I know that I wouldn't pass or even blend particularly well. Fate has played a cruel trick on me, in that he has made me want to look like my mother and yet has made me look so very much like my father. I have a man's face in a man's body. And yet, inside, I have this self knowledge that I am (in part) a girl. Now, maybe, I know, (as was stated on another recent thread about transformations) that if I were to put full makeup on, if I were to go the whole nine yards, then, when I looked into the mirror I wouldn't see a girl staring back at me, I'd see my father (and I didn't get on well particularly with my father). Also, maybe, if I were to do this, that is present fully, and bearing in mind I am doing this to be me, being me, then if I were to go out and I was not accepted, then, to me it wouldn't just be that I'm being rejected as a dressed person, but that the very core of my being is what is being rejected. Maybe that is what is a stake for me here? I think that would introduce a level of stress that I can choose to live without, simply by choosing to avoid it.

So, having said all of that, the stress of the male life did impact when I was younger as I didn't feel that I was (fully) male, but I coped with that by burying it and expressing myself as me. Nowadays I don't have any male stress as I can retreat into my 'Pink Palace' (my girl space) whenever I want.

5. I wouldn't say surrendering, I would say, accepting, but I was never in a position not to accept, as this is all fundamentally about me being me, but the one thing that I have gained, the biggest benefit that I have gained, is that I have been able to live as full a life as me as was possible bearing in mind the time and place of my birth and upbringing.

Renee, thanks for your questions, you have made me think more deeply about this and express thoughts that, maybe, I haven't had in a long time.

[Elizabeth G]

1. I can't answer this in a binary manner. Currently I would say more CD but the are times when I deeply question who I really am.

2. I never really resisted strongly. This side of me would go dormant for long periods throughout my life but when it came roaring back on me about three years ago I essentially embraced it so I guess my answer would be early fifties.

3. I have not intentionally retreated. As I mentioned above, the urge/drive has at times just gone away but it always comes back. This time i think it's back for good and I'm happy about that. I don't want it to go away.

4. I'm under a lot of stress right now. There's just a lot going on both in work and outside of it. I don't get a lot of opportunities to fully dress and that just adds to the stress. It's a vicious cycle that is decidedly unhealthy.

5. I don't resist so the is no need to surrender.

[KymberlyOct]

The TS site has been kind of quiet so this is the second time this week I popped over here. I'm 2 years post transition but I just wanted to chime in with the thought - WHAT A GREAT THREAD !!

I always state gender is a spectrum, and here's the proof.

I love every perspective. Introspection is a beautiful thing.

[Sometimes Steffi]

1. Just a CD. I never felt like I was in the wong body; but I just love everything about dressing up, except the stress of hiding what I'm doing from my wife and daughter. If you want to get technical, I'm probably bigender or gender fluid.

2. I've been crossdressing, at least mentally since I was 5 or 6, I guess. I've been physically crossdressing since I was a pre-teen (thanks mom for giving me time alone in the house), After my wife caught me about 12 years ago, I decided to go to therapy. The best thing about therapy, except for the opportunity to go there dressed when I felt like it, was that therapy helped me understand that being a crossdresser wasn't bad; I wasn't damaged goods.

3. I never stopped or retreated. I've never purged, maybe just a little culling now and then.

4. I don't get too stressed out about my life as a male, but when I do, I can always retire to the closet. Since I've gotten older, I've found that going out is so much fun, and a great stress relief. Since I don't get to go out very much, I use "retail therapy" as my main relief. I've also been going to yoga class in femme leggings and racerback tops for so time now, often with my toenails painted.

5. It turns out that Steffi is an extrovert and always trying to get me in trouble. She has no problem having me get in a conversation with GGs about their jewelry, clothes, hair, makeup, perfume or shoes. But, I guess she knows how to connect with women without getting me in trouble. Also, I found that by looking at a GG in the eyes (and not lower), I almost always get a smile, just like a a girl, even when I'm 100% in boy mode.

[Roxanne Lanyon]

I have remained CD for years, and occasionally felt feminine at occasional, odd times. But, since my last divorce (non-"dressing" related, a couple of years ago, it has been like the opening of a gate! Now I love, I adore dresses, and other feminine things, and thoughts, , and have almost been overwhelmed by them. I love being Roxanne Lanyon! I even feel feminine, and so want to, well, be a gurl, with a loving partner and everything. Will this also pass? Honestly, I do not know, but right now, I would love to be a "wife"!.
Roxanne Lanyon