What does DADT look like?

[DarciInTx]

I'm new to the forum, and I've read a number of thread/posts where the poster refers to their relationship with their SO as "DADT" (Don't Ask, Don't Tell).

While I understand that every relationship is different, I'm wondering,in general, what that looks like? Does that mean she fully knows about the cross-dressing, but just doesn't want to see it? What kind of restrictions does that put on your activity? (I remember one post that said "She doesn't want me to dress while at home, and she doesn't want me dress outside either". That seems rather limiting to me!) If you engage in crossdressing within the limits agreed on, and she accidentally encounters you dressed, what kind of repercussions are there?

Also, how did you come to this DADT relationship? Did you share with her, and that was the limit of what she could accept, or did she "discover" you on here own?

I'm fully closeted right now (several years ago I shared that I liked wearing panties, and my wife made it clear she was not accepting of that, but she has no idea of the extent that my activity has grown to), and I'm looking for ways to move to a more open stance. Hoping to learn from others' experiences.

[Fran-K]

Hi Darci

I’m in a situation similar to you - my wife basically doesn’t know about my dressing (at least as far as I know:-). I started bringing it. Up with her a year or two ago and the discussion rapidly went down hill ... so I backed off, regrouped, and went into hiding, as it were.

I don’t refer it it as DADT because the term does (to me) have the connotation that it’s known but not talked about. Even if this is not a common interpretation, I don’t want any chance of misunderstanding.

Fran

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Darci,

I'm very confused at this point.

You say you're "fully closeted right now." However; your other post has you going to a thrift store (possibly local) wearing a woman's top, bra and breast forms.

Furthermore you're seriously considering going to your next physical fully enfemme including dress, lingerie, hose and heels.

Again, how does that mean fully closeted?

It gives me the impression that your running around town "screaming" that you're a crossdresser. Not the behavior of somebody "fully closeted".

You mentioned that your wife doesn't know. Doing this is one way of her finding out and you're not in control.

[DarciInTx]

Sorry for the confusion, Linda. I meant "fully closeted" with respect to my wife. Everything has been hidden from her.

And, no, I wasn't considering going to my physical "fully dressed" - just "underdressed". Panties, hose, and bra. That's all. No dress or heels.

But you make a good point about her possibly finding out and my not being in control. I will try to factor that into my thinking.

[Taylor186]

My understanding of DADT as it is frequently used around here is that the wife knows of your crossdressing but doesn't want to see it or hear about it or know that it is currently happening in any way. Not military style DADT, though it does have similarities. That said the variations on DADT around here as people talk about their specific case are infinite.

[LeannS]

Oh I am one of those that are in a dadt oh she know that I dress as she has found some of my things a few years ago.
Right now I have moved some of my things into a spare bedroom she knows that they are there and hasn't said anything YET
She doesn't want to see me dressed as she will call on her way home from work or chorus rehearsal.
One thing she asked is that I don't go out dressed as we live in a small town. And she knows a lot of people lol

[Michelle Vinova]

I’m in DADT which for my wife & I means:

She knows about Crossdressing but has zero desire to see me dressed (fully or partially). Talking about it is not off limits though. More about “why” not “I like that dress for you!” ... the biggest benefit is I can tell her I’m having an urge to do it and she’ll make time to give me the house to myself for a few hours.

I asked her recently about hanging a dress in my closet (versus garage storage bin) and she felt that would be too much. I think the biggest thing for her is changing breaking image that she has of me. [Side note: I came out to her after years of marriage. Wish I would’ve been upfront but at the time I thought I would stop.] If you read some girl forums, some women say they can’t get the image out of their head after seeing their husband dressed and that altered their attraction to him.

Do I wish she would be more accepting? Sure! But we’re in a good place in that we have a fun and loving relationship, awesome family, and I do get to CD when the pink fog rolls in!

[Pumped]

Like anything else there are degrees of DADT. Some wives are fully aware, see the clothing, perhaps even do the laundry and wash his/her things, but don't talk about. To some, it exists but don't want to see or hear anything about it.

[Stephanie47]

To my thinking "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is when the wife knows of her husband's desire to wear women's clothing, but, does not want to participate in any capacity. The husband is aware his wife has knowledge of his crossing, but, does not do anything to put it in her face. Some of what you're describing falls under acceptable limits to cross dressing. If a wife does not want him dressing in her presence but does not mind when she is not at home, then that is probably a negotiated limitation.

In my situation my wife wants nothing to do with it. She has not made a terse comment in over three decades. She hasn't said a single word about it in three decades. She does not denigrate cross dressers. To her it is plain and simple. She married a man. If she wanted to be married to a woman, she would have married a woman. I do nothing to feminize myself. I do not shave my body hair, although I am fortunate to never have been hirsute. I have no hair on my legs or underarms. I do not have body piercing. Most of the time I look rather scruffy. I do not hang or want to hang my dresses in the closet or line my shoes at the foot of the bed. She has no knowledge of my wardrobe. She does not want to know, so I do not tell her. I know from reading threads and postings of this site that many men are crawling up the walls because their wives are overbearing and make terrible comments. My wife is not submissive in any way. However, she knows she also has issues. She also knows the scale of marriage tips strongly on the favorable side of me. The cross dressing is a minor issue.

How did we get there? Decades ago my desires surfaced in the bedroom. It was 'kinky' bedroom play;' nylon nightgowns and hosiery. Not all the time. Just on occasion. When my desires grew and went further, we had "The Talk." That's when she said if she wanted to be married to a woman, she would have married a woman. She wanted and still wants her husband to be the man he was as a suitor. The last time I tried to "push" my desires and gain some acceptance, we were in Meryn's department store. We went to buy me something as simple as panties for my birthday. It made her so uncomfortable that I finally realized what I was doing amounted to mental spousal abuse. Maybe, I was trying to gain acceptance of myself by getting her acceptance. From then on I did nothing to push cross dressing on her.

As a sidebar, she does know. Two years ago when she was donating tons of her negligees which no longer fit, she told me to take whatever I wanted, knowing there was one I had bought her which was too big for her then petite size. So, she knows, but, does not want to talk about it or see it. So, when she is out of the house for the day or a week I'm sure she knows Stephanie comes out to play.

[Mary Lawrence]

Stephanie--I'm is a similar position to the extent that my wife became quite upset at the idea that she might have a woman as a husband. She did not bargain for nor did she ever want such a person in her life. In fact, I agree with her point of view. I only told her about my crossdressing after 20-25 yrs of marriage when I figured it out for myself. So, I assured her that I would stop. She had purchased a few books on the subject of crossdressing and preferred my claim that I would stop to the books' conclusion that stopping is very difficult, if not impossible. So, our marriage is as stable as ever and I go on with my somewhat limited wardrobe and accessories hidden. If we talk about my crossdressing at all, it is always mentioned as something in my past. I never did dress when my wife was at home, so waiting until the next opportunity is not intolerable. I would much prefer to not live a lie, but I think that would be inappropriate re our marriage. As you said, openness on my part would be "mental spousal abuse" for her. Too bad for me.

[Asew]

My wife is supportive in many ways. But in some aspects it is a DADT. She doesn't want to talk about it often, she doesn't want to hear about the details of when I dress or what I buy on my own, and certain things like heels she doesn't want to see or tallk about. I am always afraid that her support will dwindle away and the DADT part will get bigger.

[Carolina]

I’m also in a DADT relationship, but one that moves a bit when I push the envelope. As many have said, she hates seeing me dressed and doesn’t want the image of her husband in a dress. She also told me that she married a man, not a woman, questioned whether I was gay, etc, etc, I guess many of the common things for many of us. However she knows of my dressing and my desire to have feminine things. She knows the gifts I like most is women’s clothing and is resigned to buy me some on my bdays and whenever we travel, which is quite often. My clothes are hanging openly in the closet (bursting) next to hers.

She has ups and downs and I have to be careful as to how much I should push my limits. Lately I’ve been dressing more and more at home, and if she sees me she would make it clear that she doesn’t like it at all, but somehow seems to tolerate it more... until I push further with some make up, for instance, and she stops me right there saying that it is disgusting, and I have to retreat.

Lately I’ve been pushing the health/beauty limit and I’m managing many “wins” or “rights” for Carolina. Due to achilles heel issues I need to have a bit of a heel, so I managed to get the “right” to wear wedges around the house. Due to my varicose veins I need support socks/thigh high hose, so I’m wearing women’s compression hosiery. Since they make my legs hot, I managed to also win the right to depilate my legs for the first time in my life nad have hairless and cooler legs (love it!).

A woman in a mall was trying to sell me some facial treatments and my wife told me to do it properly, so I jumped at the opportunity to get a proper facial with her at a salon. That was followed by facial creams, hand and body creams, eye contour gel or lip balm (slightly colored). I also managed to get mani pedis (I still don’t know how I managed to get that major “win”) which she doesn’t like, but tolerates it as long as my nails are not obvious to the outside world. All short of actual make up seems to be fair game now as long as nobody else knows and she doesn’t see her husband looking like a lady (for some unknown reason MIAD seems not to be as “disgusting” lately, although it still is touch and go). However if I push it to lipstick for instance, then I get a major reaction on her side and I have to retreat “to my quarters”...

It is a fine balance and the truth is that I keep pushing more and more, being careful to see where the next hard limit is. The fact that we are empty nesters helps me push limits even further...

[Kelly DeWinter]

My first marriage I was in a DAIPASTYH relationship. I would have preferred a DADT.

DADT
. Spouse knows you dress
. Spouse won't Ask you anything about your dressing
. Spouse doesn't want you to Tell them about your dressing

There can also be included a number of agreed upon conditions such as:
. If you do dress , then only at the house
. You have to keep your clothes in a certain area of the house
. You cannot tell anyone else
. Seek counselling
. Agree to counseling
. If I ever catch you, you better get a lawyer

The conditions are many and varied.

Whatever you do, avoid a DAIPASTYH relationship.


*(Don't Ask I'll Put A Stake Thru Your Heart)

[Beverley Sims]

For what you desire takes time, tolerance becomes better and things you do are acknowledged very slowly.

For now just stay in the closet and when she shows interest you can advance slowly.

[Shayna]

For me, it means my wife doesn't want to talk about it or know about it. Out of sight, out of mind and I think in some way she's denying it even though she knows it's there. I don't really blame her as I did not give her the choice before we got married. At that time I hadn't dressed for a couple of years, and it didn't comeback until years later, but I should have known it was going to come back at some point.

[alwayshave]

My first marriage I was in a DAIPASTYH relationship. I would have preferred a DADT.

*(Don't Ask I'll Put A Stake Thru Your Heart)

Kelly, we have the same ex-wife.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Kelly, we have the same ex-wife.

Well we live close by, There is probably a club where they meet and sharpen oak sticks while drinking red wine.

[DarciInTx]

This is a follow-on question: For those in either a secret or a DADT relationship, what do you do with all your STUFF? Okay, the clothes can go in a closet in a room that's off-limits, either by agreement or by practice, or else in a storage container that's put away out of sight (mine are in a box in the attic). But what about things like wigs and makeup? Where do you keep those, and where do you use them. I don't have a wig yet, but from what I read washing, drying, and styling a wig may take several hours. At least for me, I would very rarely have that much time with my wife out of the house. And where would you spread out all makeup to use?

[lynnstar]

I have mentioned this before in past posts. But here goes one more time. My wife does no approve in anyway, my C rossdressing. Under or otherwise. To her it's 'Disgusting ' her words. She knows I have crossdressd in the past years and may even suspect I still do when she is away. But as long as their is no physical evidence of it, she dosent say anything. By evidence, I also mean make-up as well. She has noticed that at times that her make up has been used and has let me know that she knows. But so far all she has done has been giving me that look of " yea! I know your doing something, still." But hasn't done or said anything vocally. So, aside from underdressing at work sometimes, I don't dress at all when she is around, I have done that in the past, underdress at home, and inevitably she will notice something and start getting suspicious and that's when I get found out. So, no dressing at all while she is around.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Darci;

There are whole threads devoted to that topic.