Days I Truly Regret Coming Out

[Di]

I am so sorry.
All I can say is I really really really hope she will go to counseling with you.
I think she loves you and wants you to be happy and tried but by your brothers remark and her saying you are not a woman they do not really understand it’s not a choice and the counseling will help you both get on the same page.i am hoping the clearing of the air and her truth came out you both can build from this.

[Tamsin Secret]

Ilene,

I'm sorry to hear of your hurt at this time. I think many of us can relate to the devastating situation your in right now. Your not alone in your struggles.

Problem is it doesn't feel that way does it when your nearest and dearest, for their own reasons, cannot support us in what were living through.

I wish you the best, your post has resonated with me and I share your anguish.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice. I just wanted to say your not alone.

[Rachelish]

Hi Ilene

I've just been catching up on this and I'm not sure I can add anything that hasn't already been said, except to add my best wishes. Whatever our own circumstances we can all relate to the situation you find yourself in. It does sound as if things are improving. I hope that continues and you find a positive way forward for you both.

Rachel

[GretchenM]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I don't know the details and that is where the rubber hits the road in finding a solution. But after 50 years of marriage, less a few months, I can say that my wife and I have always found a way to compromise. Finding that middle ground requires a lot of good, but heart wrenching communication. A moderator in the form of a marriage counselor is a good option. Forget about her getting some advice from a gender specialist because she is not likely to swim in that pond, especially at this point. It really isn't a matter of her understanding your position; it is a matter of understanding each other's position and gender is not an issue there, especially for her. Gender is not the total person; it is only a piece of the whole. Important, but still just a piece.

I certainly would like to do more with my gender, but the love for my wife and the love she has for me far outweighs the importance of the gender issues. I almost always play the middle ground of my gender range and pretty much ignore each end of that range. Is it ideal for me? Not at all. But it is better for the larger world.

That said, we are all different and some of us are so gender reversed that middle ground doesn't really work and creates a lot of dysphoria. The truth is, breakups over this issue are common, but some flexibility on both sides can help. To me it was all a matter of adaptation. Finding a combination that fell far short of what I want but is satisfactory to others was a solution to peace. I have never told many family members that I am trans; I don't need to. They know. But any pressure on them to accept me as a woman is never imposed. Of course, that is me and I am not you. But I believe there is always a middle ground - it is just a question of whether you want to live in Middleville, USA and whether you can be at least partially satisfied with that. I sacrifice a lot of myself for others and for the peace, but they also sacrifice something to accept that I am a bit of a different person.

I never present fully as a woman in front of anyone in my family. They know I do sometimes or at least suspect it. To me, that is crossing the line. So, I make do with a bit of this and a bit of that; enough to let others know that the she in me is alive and well but at the same time I make recognition that when they look at me they see a man. I give them that, but my strong feminine inner identity concentrates on who she is and not how she looks. To her bits and pieces of her expression are fine. In the past they weren't but she has learned that bits and pieces are what are acceptable and she has adapted to that provided there is time to be herself in a more private setting where it is just her and her masculine companion identity who has gone from hating her to appreciating and loving what she brings to the total person. I also try hard to engage in the feminine role but in a masculine way - it is appreciated. In the day to day chores I try hard to be my wife's equal. She appreciates it. But again. That's me and nobody else. The point is I am flexible and adaptive without imposing in an attempt to have my ideal at the expense of others.

Just some thoughts. My heart goes out to you. Open your heart and mind to the wider picture and I am sure you will find a solution, even though that solution may ultimately bring an end to a long and fruitful marriage. I am Gretchen in behavior and not so much in appearance. Took a while to catch on to that. The point is, long lived marriages have an underlying strength and bond that can create understanding through compromise and giving a little on both sides without forcing anybody to do or accept something they really don't want to do or accept.

[Alice Torn]

Gretchen, Thanks for your post. Very well said. Though not in a relationship, I sure can relate with all you said about compromise, and balance.

[Charlotte7]

Ilene, this is so sad. I wish you both and hopefully a together both, all the best in the future.

[Alisonforme]

Hi Ilene
I’m very sorry to hear that things have gotten so volatile in your family life. The reality is that people don’t understand us. We as CD/TG are categorized with pedophiles in the world of psychological pigeon-holing. I too have been away from posting for a very long time because I’m struggling with being lumped in with monsters and expressing my femme side while trying to avoid the personal hardship you and so many others have expressed here. So I’m in the closet with only my wife, oldest daughter, and brother knowing and only my daughter having seen Alison. Even many open-minded people are open-minded in theory...seeing reality is very different. The differences between “talking it” and “walking it” can be stark.

I feel for you sister. There are no easy answers and it is unfair of us to expect our SO’s to accept our awakenings. Gender norms are “primal” (to use your word) and although people change and grow over time, this is a curveball for anyone not walking in our heels.

I don’t know if you intend to live as woman, or just want to continue to explore your fabulous self (I love your style BTW...it suits you well!). Hoping the best for you.

[Macey]

Ilene, I’ve been following this thread and trying to find whatever words I can to respond in some sort of meaningful way. In this situation I find myself utterly lacking. Although I am well into my forties and understand marriage, relationships, family, and all of that, it would be reckless for me to think that I could offer anything specific to you, your life experiences, or your situation no matter how much my heart is aching for you right now. But I will do my best to offer something in the hope that my words might mesh with the universal outpouring of sympathy from the wonderful people on this thread and offer an additional layer and dimension of comfort as possible.

My belief is this, and I don’t expect anyone else to agree or hold the same beliefs. I believe each of us, every person, is born with a basic human dignity. It is always with you. It doesn’t matter what clothes you wear, what you do for a living, how you identify yourself to yourself or to the world around you, it is there and no one can ever take it from you, though sometimes people will try.

When we become upset, angry, say or do potentially hurtful things, it is often because we have forgotten the dignity which we possess, but that’s okay! We all get out of balance within ourselves sometimes and forget. But the more we remember that we always possess this dignity, the easier it is to recover it when we forget. What’s more, the more we remember our own dignity, the easier it is to remember the basic human dignity possessed by the people around us, even in moments where they may have forgotten and have said or done things that are hurtful.

This can be a difficult thing to remember when we have forgotten basic human dignity within the long term life relationships of spouses, family, decades-long friendships, etc. After all, these are people that we have long histories with and know all of their demons as well as they know ours. Never the less, the dignity exists there too and can be remembered and recovered with a great deal of patience. The first key, I figure, is to remember your own, then it is easier to remember it in another even when they have yet to recover it.

Beings of light, we are, and the path to these things includes a great deal of love and patience.

My heart continues to ache for you and you are in my thoughts.

[Abbey11]

Hi Ilene, really sorry to hear of your situation, not nice and I had noticed your absence from the forum. I have no words of wisdom to add to what has already been said
Look after yourself, things will calm down and with clearer heads you’ll be able to discuss and resolve things 1 way or another.

Thinking of you

[CarlaWestin]

I reached out to my brother by phone. I came out to him last year and he was quite accepting at that time. His consolation to me was " You and (wife) have always been together. She's your life. Why don't you just go back to being the Man that everyone knew you as?"

There's a lot to this, actually. First of all, it's the advice of someone close who cares about you. I too was intoxicated with disclosure because of the immediate praise and feeling of acceptance.
But, I'm truly aware that Carla would not be beneficial to the family dynamic. Charles is. And I still enjoy both identities without commingling. I wish you well.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I am encouraged that even through everything you were able to navigate some pretty choppy waters. The hardest part for those of us not born in the last 20 years is that most of our lives have been spent in the closet, without the benefit of support family, friends, support groups, forums, therapists or counselors. You are definitely a role model

[Teresa]

Carla,
Referring to that statement all I can say is , " If only it was as simple as that !"

Ilene is in counselling to deal with her GD issues , to some that statment would be like putting them back in a male straight jacket , I personally could never go back , it reaches a point where they either on board or not . They want you to live the life of their choosing not yours , given the chance Teresa could have been just as beneficial as the guy was .

[JenniferR771]

Ilene, i think you need to negotiate and compromise. Let her throw away a few of your clothes. True, this will be difficult for you. Ugh! But it saves face on her part. Then dress--in your best suit and tie. (So you look sexy.) Then take her out to the best restaurant to eat. Maybe a show or movie. Denver has venues and things to do, right? ?

[Rogina B]

I see what took place as a "reality check" for you. I feel that you were getting "ahead of yourself" and deserved the slapdown. How you decide to go on from here is a choice that needs to include the input of your wife..After all,she waited for your safe return home for so many years,she deserves to be able to be heard. You can not expect others to understand..GD is a personal issue. I can tell you and some others here that until your family declares your "male self" DEAD.. they aren't ready to move on to a new life. Perhaps,rather than a funeral for Tom,a celebration party for Ilene would be a realistic goal to try for. Having freedom,with spousal support may keep your "home fires burning".

[Kas]

What did you do to her to make her want to call the police? Must have been pretty bad.

[Lana Mae]

OMG, Ilene! I am so sorry this happened! Communication is very important now! Especially how each feels! As others have said, might want a marriage counselor involved! You are both in my thoughts and prayers! Special hugs, Lana Mae

[LeslieSD]

Ilene,

It is sad to have that happen on Thanksgiving. But it is good to have this all came out. You are a "men's men" and courageous. It is very brave of you to come out to all your family and friends. It is also very courageous of your wife to be part of this and accepted it to this day. I am sure she had a lot of uncertainty and was under a lot of pressure. What happened yesterday may be a burst out from that pressure.

Maybe it is a good time to sit down and have a good talk. Maybe assure her that you are still the same person, still care about her the same way as before. Maybe two of you can find a way to deal with the pressure from family members. Maybe she needs to find courage to see a psychiatrist. It may not guarantee to work. But at least you have sincerely tried to make it work. If at the end there is no middle ground that can be found, you knew you have exhausted all the options. I suspect that she has come a long way, and won't just give up either.

Leslie

[Rhonda Jean]

I hate it. You're certainly not alone. However this works out, you'll likely find that you can get along perfectly well without some things that you think you can't. This might be your wife, your friends, or your most beautiful clothes.

[Janine cd]

Ilene,
I'm a 79 year old crossdresser and have similar rejection issues by my family. Please keep up hope. There is more to life and something wonderful may happen to ease your pain.

[Judy-Somthing]

Love the photo, you look great!
I can relate, I've been beaten down pretty good from my SO and today, I felt our relationship is kind of fake built on dissection and lying and also her unaccepting of who I am.
I stopped dressing for about a year and a half But I started dressing again, I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop soon since It's getting so hard to look fem, But I find I'm just putting more effort into the makeup.

Good luck, Miss Judy

[CarlaWestin]

Carla,
Referring to that statement all I can say is , " If only it was as simple as that !"

Yes,I know. I can only reflect the happy medium that I've attained and wish that happiness upon someone in need.

[IleneD]

What did you do to her to make her want to call the police? Must have been pretty bad.

I admit I was thoughtless in the heated moment.
One thing that happened early in the heat was I asked her "What do you want me to do? Punch you in the face?" She was asking what I was going to do about her pinging on me. I have NEVER made a violent gesture towards her. Never once stuck her, raised a hand against her or hurt her physically in any way. I am totally anti-women's violence. There's no excuse for it ever. AND.... she knows this at heart and for real.

The primary thing I did was be 6'3"/ 215 lbs.; angry and clenching my fists and smoking mad. I was standing on the other side of the kitchen island counter when it happened. But she stated that she didn't feel safe and was calling the cops. She didn't, and I departed (with my clothes being tossed out behind me).

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I see what took place as a "reality check" for you. I feel that you were getting "ahead of yourself" and deserved the slapdown.

An interesting take. I assume you are referring to my entire transition life prior to this explosion, and perhaps you were following it.
I'm interested (and not upset by any means of your interpretation)..... how exactly do you feel I was getting way out front of myself.
Appreciate your reasoned response. I might learn something.

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When we become upset, angry, say or do potentially hurtful things, it is often because we have forgotten the dignity which we possess, but that’s okay! We all get out of balance within ourselves sometimes and forget.

Macey.
Thanks for the extended response.
Oh you betcha, I totally lost my composure. It was a lot like a drowning experience where I went from "I'm OK. I'm OK".....Holy Shit, I'm dying!" It happens and flashes that quickly. I forgot my own dignity and it really bothers me. In my past and professional life, I've been in some literal Life & Death drag out meetings with Officers or other people, and NEVER lost my cool.
But this.... wow. You know a Loved One can push all the right and wrong buttons.
And I her's too......

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Open your heart and mind to the wider picture and I am sure you will find a solution, .......

Gretchen,
You are a true friend and one of the first TG's I ever met in person face to face (from this forum). You know I love and respect you.
Thanks for the reminder. I'm finding that in these days and hours since, and with time to calm down and think, that I am taking a conciliatory approach, calmly talking and seeking a few answers. Not digging deeply. We've talked. I gave her a foot rub. We've eaten a few meals together. The peace is holding.
When I read your response and the line about opening up I was reminded of an old story I learned in the time before we were married. It was given to me as advice on how to deal with (future) kids. I think it applies to all. It went like this:

" An old Jew visited his rabbi one day. His heart was heavy. "Rabbi, rabbi.... I am beside myself with frustration and grief. My son.... he goes about all slovenly. His hair is long and his clothes are dirty. He has little respect for his family and traditions. Rabbi... what am I to do? The Rabbi turned to the man and said "Love him more."

So, I shall try that. We've been together for 41 yrs; best friends, faced (literal) life and death situations with her; our kids. I want to make this work, but I have told her I need to also VALUE myself. (She didn't even know what I meant by that.)
Thanks Gretchen. I need to meet you for lunch agains soon.

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Ilene/Tom, u r not thinking this thru properly. Nor should u try now!

DOC !!,

God love you, girl. You were the first to write to my rescue.
I can't believe the outpouring of support and advice (sometimes all over the map but WTF). My Sisters have been amazing, as you are. THANK YOU, and thank you personally, Sherrie.
Good words. Loved the appeal to "think this through properly....". Lord knows I needed THAT.

I ended up going to the Family Feast yesterday (at my son's in-laws). Yeh... it was a bit awkward..... but only because my son was pissed that I failed to join him on a perfectly good ski day (the day that followed my fight, I planned to go skiing with Number One Son). He didn't take kindly to the sudden cancelation, and I had some 'splaining' to do.
Of course I was on the verge of breaking down into an all-out bawl at the drop of a turkey leg. I generally kept quiet and to myself as to not stir sad feelings.
THANKS again, Doc. You are one of my forum Heroines (bet I never told you that).

[marshalynn]

IleneD, I will tell you a little about myself, I am 75 years old, I have always wanted to be a girl my hole life. My wife died 32 years ago, had a 8 year old son to raise by my self. For the next 25 years I keep my girl life to myself, so around 10 years ago I started coming out to the world. I live alone, my son and his family live about 1/4 miles away from me, so I see them every day usually. So I started very slow at first, let hair grow long, pierced my ears, shaved all hair, started to wear some neutral female clothes. This took several years to do, about 5 years ago, I came out to hole family one month, every thing went good I thought. Told my mother (89 at the time, will be 94 on Dec. 23) told both my brothers, told my son and all his family. Next thing I know I am the meanest and weirdest person for doing this to my family, my daughter in law had a fit, how could I do this to my grand children. My mother and brothers and every one else thinks I am crazy. So at 70 years of age I can not live the rest of my life the way I want to. I am very hurt and don't know how to handle this, so I pulled back into myself, I did not talk to any one for awhile, I went and vised every one as usual ever day, but stayed to myself. After a few months, I decided this is my life and I want to live it the way I am happy. They would ask me why I was so quite, said didn't have any thing to say, but I think they new why I was sad, over some time thing have worked out. It will take some time for them to under stand the world did not stop because of you. Now, I dress 99.9 % of the time as the woman I want to be. I hope this will give you some thing to think about. We always let them think they are wright and we are wrong. We only have one life, so at some time we need to start living it the way we want to or need to. Marshalynn

[Patience]

A lesson to us all.

Good for you for being honest and brave enough to share your dressing with your family, Ilene. The less my family knows, the better.

I’m sorry you had that litany of problems tossed at you tihat way. Instead of bottling things up, it might have been less destructive If the issues mentioned had been dealt with as they came up.

I hope you and your spouse get the help you need to get through this difficult time.

[Aunt Kelly]

" An old Jew visited his rabbi one day. His heart was heavy. "Rabbi, rabbi.... I am beside myself with frustration and grief. My son.... he goes about all slovenly. His hair is long and his clothes are dirty. He has little respect for his family and traditions. Rabbi... what am I to do? The Rabbi turned to the man and said "Love him more."

So, I shall try that...

If you can do nothing else, do this. Those of us in who find our self changing the nature of our relationship with our SO require one thing in abundance - emotional capital. The changes we want to make require a large draw against that capital. We need to have invested enough, and our partner has to have the capacity to hold (value) that investment. Without those, the relationship is bankrupt, if you will. Progress depends on there being enough in the bank to get your spouse to understand and accept what we already know is true. I'm not saying that there is or is not. No one can, not even your spouse, but if things are to have a chance at working out for the better, loving her more is a requirement. Mind you, I'm not suggesting that you become a door mat. Nor am I suggesting that you smother her with over the top affection. She'd likely, and not incorrectly, see that as self serving and perhaps insincere.
As I've said before, I don't have all the answers. My wife and I take this one day at a time. We know, in broad strokes, where we're headed, but the path is sure to be littered with stumbling blocks . The plan is support each other to get over those, and to inspire confidence that we will be there for each other, no matter what. I live each day with that in mind.