Days I Truly Regret Coming Out

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Ilene, Sorry about the late reply to your thread. It must be really difficult for you both.

Reading about what happened, it seems to me that you have really upped the amount of 'Ilene time' recently. Your wife obviously dislikes it but puts up with it up to a point because she loves you and values your marriage. However, I suspect that for most wives in her situation there's only so much they can take before it all comes to a head. Certainly with my wife, while supportive, this only goes so far and I'm well aware that if I dress very frequently and don't spend enough time with her as the man in her life then this will come to a head too. As such, I manage the amount of girl time to avoid this.

Could you accept that you need to reduce the amount of 'Ilene time'? Maybe discuss this with your wife and acknowledge it's difficult for her and agree that while you need an outlet for your other side, you won't do it more than an amount of time that you agree? I would suggest that 2 or 3 times a week is too much for a wife that struggles with having a cross-dresser as a husband.

Now it may be that you take the view that it's your life and you should live it as per whatever makes your happy. But you're up against years of society's expectations of what is acceptable. It will be hard for her to change her views. A happy marriage is about give and take and you may need to decide how much you are prepared to risk it.

Good luck whatever you do. I'll be routing for you.

Sarah x

[kimdl93]

Just a follow up on Rogina’s observation. We do tend to follow each other here as we become familiar with individual story lines. Like Rogina, I watched quietly as yours unfolded. The things that struck me were the speed of your emergence and the enthusiastic, dare I say euphoric tone. While I was happy and somewhat envious of your confidence, I also felt a familiar sense of foreboding.

its so easy to be caught up in the new experience of freedom after a lifetime of hiding. But this blossoming comes with risks to relationships....something I know all too well. Like anyone, I’m likely to filter the experiences of others through the lens of my own.

My guess is that you embraced this new freedom with such vigor because that is how you have faced all of life’s challenges. A fighter pilot, for gosh sakes. Confidence and determination in the face of risks surely defines you. It’s no surprise, and surely no fault in these traits. But as you surely appreciate more than most of us, there is risk inherent in pushing the envelope.

[alwayshave]

Ilene, I'm very sorry this happened to you. I understand that my dressing may have consequences on relationships. I really have no advice not already mentioned. I hope that all works out for you.

[IleneD]

. The things that struck me were the speed of your emergence and the enthusiastic, dare I say euphoric tone.
its so easy to be caught up in the new experience of freedom after a lifetime of hiding.
...you embraced this new freedom with such vigor

Thanks, and thank you Rogina.
Correct you are that it's easy to get caught up. In the enthusiasm, and with the prospect that SOMEHOW this CD/TG thing might just work out.
I should have, could have, curbed my enthusiasm with a little common sense clarity, and remembered the first words of my therapist. "You need to understand. She is losing her husband._

From the beginning of Summer 2019, I had plenty of room to 'grow' into my budding trans self. I had literally 7 weeks home alone and to myself. I was Ilene nearly 24/7. In that period I started attending a support group and began with a gender therapist. I had great "excuses" to go out a couple times a week dressed. I think eventually that support group and my therapy became great ways to justify a Dress Up.
I also got involved with a non-profit org that is staging a Bridal Fashion Show for TG, [called WhXYte Wedding; look for www.whxytewedding.com ]. At first I was just a volunteer. Then, the Marketing chairperson. This event has grown to proportions I never expected. Brianna Titone, a trans woman recently elected to our state legislature is going to be one of our models, and the Governor will likely attend (from what we hear). This project has provided purpose and a reason to get out and BE transgender. I have been doing public business as Ilene. Yes.... the thrill, excitement and sense of real TG purpose swept me away.

The Original Long Term Plan [towards transition] was for me to go SLOWLY; very slow. I planned on going about as fast as the rate of hair growth. I'm letting my natural white hair grow out. But the floodgates have indeed opened, and I have found myself swept away with the current. My CD life has inadvertently expanded beyond that. I can see it NOW.

You and Rogina are right. The speed of change and increase in my own trans visibility has very likely startled her. I shall need to slow it down, perhaps. Most of all, I need ways and methods to talk and communicate with her about THIS subject without both of us feeling like we're being attacked and on the defensive; to not personalize it so much.

THANKS for the response. Like all of the great advice, I will read it over and over. Digest it. Learn.

[stephNE]

Hi Ilene, I was so sorry to read this. I hope things get better for you. I'm wising you the best. Steph.

[Alice Torn]

The Cd to TG and transition thing is a progression. The pink fog is the force. I know it can take over ones life very quickly. Is there a way to slow it down, or even cut way back? For one's dearest friend and wife? I believe it is possible, though painful. One thing about humans and animals. We are adaptable when push comes to shove. It is up to you . It is surely the hardest thing in your whole life, now, after the many difficult things in the military, and marriage you have been through. I am a vet, too, but did not do 1/100 of what you did for the country. None of us live forever. Life is shorter and shorter. I am a senior, too, have had a lifetime of hell from my family of origin, and if my siblings found out about Alice, they would make my life even more difficult. I can never tell them, but almost did once, to my sister. good thing i did not do it, but my have outed myself once, when my mascara, and lipstick was not washed off well. I hope you and your wife will be able to have deep conversation, love, and compromise. Life is too short. I almost ended my life 14 months ago, but barely pulled back from ending it. Very tough things are coming on our country, and the world. Megachanges, that will shock everyone. I would say, easy does it, back off some, hang in there with your marriage. Life is too short.

[Rogina B]

The primary thing I did was be 6'3"/ 215 lbs.; angry and clenching my fists and smoking mad. I was standing on the other side of the kitchen island counter when it happened. But she stated that she didn't feel safe and was calling the cops. She didn't, and I departed (with my clothes being tossed out behind me).

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An interesting take. I assume you are referring to my entire transition life prior to this explosion, and perhaps you were following it.
I'm interested (and not upset by any means of your interpretation)..... how exactly do you feel I was getting way out front of myself.
Appreciate your reasoned response. I might learn something.

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Macey.
Thanks for the extended response.
Oh you betcha, I totally lost my composure. It was a lot like a drowning experience where I went from "I'm OK. I'm OK".....Holy Shit, I'm dying!" It happens and flashes that quickly. I forgot my own dignity and it really bothers me. In my past and professional life, I've been in some literal Life & Death drag out meetings with Officers or other people, and NEVER lost my cool.
But this.... wow. You know a Loved One can push all the right and wrong


I'm finding that in these days and hours since, and with time to calm down and think, that I am taking a conciliatory approach, calmly talking and seeking a few answers. Not digging deeply. We've talked. I gave her a foot rub. We've eaten a few meals together.

So, I shall try that. We've been together for 41 yrs; best friends, faced (literal) life and death situations with her; our kids. I want to make this work, but I have told her I need to also VALUE myself. (She didn't even know what I meant by that.)


I ended up going to the Family Feast yesterday (at my son's in-laws). Yeh... it was a bit awkward..... but only because my son was pissed that I failed to join him on a perfectly good ski day (the day that followed my fight, I planned to go skiing with Number One Son).

It is partly from what you wrote that I formed my opinion that perhaps what you need is acceptance and in moving forward,creating a life that embraces acceptance of your two selves. I do not see them holding a funeral for Tom in your future so logically seek acceptance of your female self so you can freely move between them. My opinion,anyway.. Like Kim said,some of us follow other's "storylines" often hoping for success in getting going again after the "trainwreck".

[suzanne]

You're in a terrible and very distressing spot. But I really don't understand your wife, first telling you to get out then blocking your path to the door. What's in her head?

It reminds me of the times when my wife, by her own admission, would have preferred to see me dead than in a dress. I felt her hatred, but whenever I would go to the spare room to sleep, she wanted me back in the master bedroom with her. The story has a better ending, because she has learned to accept me somewhat. Hopefully, you situation has a hope of becoming a bit brighter as well.

[IleneD]

Alice,

Thanks for sharing.
Yes..... I read your other post(s) along in this thread. My heart goes out to you too, dear. How crushing to wish to be with the family you created, and have them reject you in any manner. While I love my kids dearly, there's a lot of times I feel they are ungrateful (to me AND my wife).
It was one thing for my wife to be angry based upon her own feelings, but when I learned how The Family (MY KIDS!??) were talking behind my back, and even asking me to not come to some family events..... it hurt deeply. I think that was the thing that threw me over the edge into the pit (despondent, depressed).

So Alice, you are walking in my shoes too. And PLEASE.... no more suicide gestures. Listen.... I believe many of us entertain the notion of "...if only I weren't here suffering". My solution was to just get out of HERE. My therapist said that was a very, very bad tactic and please don't use it. But the other option for getting out is not right either.

I tell you with all my heart, Alice. This forum and the wise friends I have here are like Living Gold. So precious. The experiences, perspectives and understanding compassion of my Sisters literally rode to my rescue. Don't ever downplay the value to coming to this seemingly "anonymous'' bulletin board. I know we don't "intimately" know each other or share great details of our lives or our time beside one another. But the girls here know and understand The Life. You know you will always have great advice and a digital hand to hold in times of distress.
Hugs. Be well. We are all recovering from something it seems. (PS: Do you live in Kansas City? Something about the Midwest tag made me think about it; being an old KC person myself.)

[Kas]

"What do you want me to do? Punch you in the face?"

LOL yup that’ll do it. Some friendly advise; refrain from asking you SO if she wants to be punched in the face hahaha. I like your style though...

[Teresa]

Ilene,
As you know I chose to separate mostly through these issues .

To me it was a case of weighing up the pros and cons , to stay in a relationship means someone is going to have to suppress and compromise , the question is can you sustain that or is it a temporary fix . Our age is doubled edged , I have been married for 44 years , am I saying I don't cherish those years ? I also admit I have lived with a deep gut feeling almost a pain at times that something wasn't right , should we continue to make a sacrifice and continue to bury that until it's too late or should we be openly honest with ourselves and then with others ? It's hard to say who is fair in this situation , how much does your wife/partner still love you to help you through this , I never stopped loving my wife through all of my trials but she wasn't totally honest with me when it appeared she had stopped loving me well over twenty years ago . Sadly she killed any feelings for her in me , now I don't want any contact with her .

Rogina accuses you of taking off too quickly , I feel it's a harsh comment , the emergence of Ilene opened up a part of you that never existed before , you needed to discover what it was all about , what your needs were and scarily where would it lead you . Maybe in hindsight you should have gone to counselling sooner but we often don't see the harmful side of the issue . To your wife , children and friends you are still the same person they knew but another side is emerging , that really does take some accepting for a man admitting he has a female element . The mistake made is being treated as something totally wrong , you have been in control all your life why can't you control this , it really is a very powerful force we attempt to control and live with .

[IleneD]

Teresa,

You are the best, as usual.
Love the crystal clarity of your advice. I hear everything you are saying.
I am not quick to take your path, but I sure don't wish to spend the last 20 yrs of my life in constant turmoil and conflict.
Working it. I'm working the problem (as we say in dealing with in-flight emergencies).
Thanks.

[Alice Torn]

Ilene, I live in Wisconsin now. I never had a wife of kids. I have had lifelong trouble with my parents first, and also my siblings. I have few friends. My cats a re my closest buddies. I never have come out to my relatives, thankfully. I have felt suicidal at times, as most of us have at times, but always weathered the storms. People on this forum have helped encourage me several times when i was extremely deep in depression and was thinking of it. I have religious issues about my CDing too, and it is a real conflict. One of my vices is fantasizing about being Alice with a gentleman, but i would refrain from penetration sex, due to morals, even though my religion forbids wearing clothing of the opposite sex, too. Life is full of conflicts, and i guess it was meant to be so. But, we must learn to accept it,on its terms.

[Teresa]

Ilene ,
Some may think i get it wrong all I try and see both sides with some logic and reasoning .

I do see your situation as the little Durch boy with his finger stuck in the dyke trying to prevent the flood , I'm afraid I see it so similar to my situation , the dyke is breached and the little boy can't stop the flood !

[Rachael Leigh]

Oh my Ilene where to begin, as you may or may not know I went through a divorce this year and I was married 35 years
my wife was my best friend and like your SO she was really not fully supportive of me. It was a slow move over the years
for me, counseling and all kinds of let’s talk type conversations with the wife. Eventually it got to much for her and we ended our life together. I’ve come out to many as well in the last 18 months and it too has made a mess of my family.
Do I regret it? Yes sometimes I do I really wish I could go back in time and change and find other ways to express who I
am. But life has to go on my journey is ongoing and I’m just going about it one day at a time

My faith too has sustained me and I’m so happy I’ve got that. Feel free to PM me anytime and I will pray for you and
your wife.
Blessings Rachael

[Kitty Sue]

Sad. I hope you and your family are coming to grips with this as best you all can.