Sisters,
I've not been around The Forum for a while. Sorry my reappearance is also a Venting. I have to "talk".
My TG Life has (had?) been soaring. I've grown so much over the summer and fall. Been in therapy (going good). Been attending support group. Good. I also got involved with a non-profit to support trans rights. I was getting out as Ilene 2 sometimes 3 times a week because of the fund raising I was doing to support our Trans Fashion Show charity event.
All has crashed. Big crash.
Had a major fight with the SO a couple nights ago. She began a "discussion" about trans bathrooms. I think something came up on the news that sparked her. Her premise eventually evolved into the traditional position of "boys belong in boys restrooms; girls in girls". Then it went to "You're NOT a woman, TOM!" (emphasis on my guy name).
She also reminded me, in the heat of the moment, that my kids (adults) couldn't relate to me. I've come out to both of them so it isn't news. The SO told me my daughter can barely stand to talk to me. I had been "dis-invited" from another family event in Sept because some of the family thought I was just too weird [even in guy form], and didn't want to be around me. Told me things that were stated behind my back by other family. In short, she was telling me how much this TG-Thing was alienated everyone.
Things got heated. I took it as a personal attack on my being. It got ugly to the point where she picked up the phone to call the police. Instead she "kicked me out". Literally threw a handful of my belongings out the door. So I drove off.
This was also the night of the Trans Day of Remembrance (TDOR), so I drove to a TDOR event to console my spirit and be with some queer people. I needed a place to weep and sulk.
The whole specter of my marriage breaking up before me snowballed in my mind. Lost. Confused. What had I done? What was going to become of me. Where would I go?
A couple hours later I returned home. Walked in and packed a suitcase in front of her, and I was going to LEAVE. I still don't know what my intention was; either split for good and start a new life ASAP, or to get attention. The wife physically tried to block me from leaving. (Sure changed her tune of concern quickly.); and I ended up taking a face plant down a flight of stair with my valise. I'm OK.
It was a non-stop sob-fest for me, nearly 24 hrs. I'm exhausted from it, and don't think I have a tear left in my body.
We've kind of established a peace, but I'm clearly devastated.
I reached out to my brother by phone. I came out to him last year and he was quite accepting at that time. His consolation to me was " You and (wife) have always been together. She's your life. Why don't you just go back to being the Man that everyone knew you as?"
I don't even know where to begin to answer that.
Sorry to dump on everyone. I know its a day for thanks, and I enjoy that. I will be surrounded by my blessings today. But I needed to "cry out" a bit.
This sucks. Feels like my life is over. It's just OVER. There's days I wish this cup would pass from my lips; that I'd just kept this all bottled up and hidden; and kept pretending. It seemed so much easier then on everyone but me. But there was peace and no concern of others over My Being. It shouldn't have to be this way for the sake of coming out and being Myself.
Peace. Love. Hugs.
Dressed for Gender Therapy-FC.jpg
Photo of my last visit to the therapist. Hope it's not the last one of me en femme.