Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 66

Thread: Days I Truly Regret Coming Out

  1. #1
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    2,192

    Days I Truly Regret Coming Out

    Sisters,
    I've not been around The Forum for a while. Sorry my reappearance is also a Venting. I have to "talk".
    My TG Life has (had?) been soaring. I've grown so much over the summer and fall. Been in therapy (going good). Been attending support group. Good. I also got involved with a non-profit to support trans rights. I was getting out as Ilene 2 sometimes 3 times a week because of the fund raising I was doing to support our Trans Fashion Show charity event.

    All has crashed. Big crash.
    Had a major fight with the SO a couple nights ago. She began a "discussion" about trans bathrooms. I think something came up on the news that sparked her. Her premise eventually evolved into the traditional position of "boys belong in boys restrooms; girls in girls". Then it went to "You're NOT a woman, TOM!" (emphasis on my guy name).
    She also reminded me, in the heat of the moment, that my kids (adults) couldn't relate to me. I've come out to both of them so it isn't news. The SO told me my daughter can barely stand to talk to me. I had been "dis-invited" from another family event in Sept because some of the family thought I was just too weird [even in guy form], and didn't want to be around me. Told me things that were stated behind my back by other family. In short, she was telling me how much this TG-Thing was alienated everyone.

    Things got heated. I took it as a personal attack on my being. It got ugly to the point where she picked up the phone to call the police. Instead she "kicked me out". Literally threw a handful of my belongings out the door. So I drove off.
    This was also the night of the Trans Day of Remembrance (TDOR), so I drove to a TDOR event to console my spirit and be with some queer people. I needed a place to weep and sulk.
    The whole specter of my marriage breaking up before me snowballed in my mind. Lost. Confused. What had I done? What was going to become of me. Where would I go?

    A couple hours later I returned home. Walked in and packed a suitcase in front of her, and I was going to LEAVE. I still don't know what my intention was; either split for good and start a new life ASAP, or to get attention. The wife physically tried to block me from leaving. (Sure changed her tune of concern quickly.); and I ended up taking a face plant down a flight of stair with my valise. I'm OK.

    It was a non-stop sob-fest for me, nearly 24 hrs. I'm exhausted from it, and don't think I have a tear left in my body.
    We've kind of established a peace, but I'm clearly devastated.

    I reached out to my brother by phone. I came out to him last year and he was quite accepting at that time. His consolation to me was " You and (wife) have always been together. She's your life. Why don't you just go back to being the Man that everyone knew you as?"

    I don't even know where to begin to answer that.
    Sorry to dump on everyone. I know its a day for thanks, and I enjoy that. I will be surrounded by my blessings today. But I needed to "cry out" a bit.
    This sucks. Feels like my life is over. It's just OVER. There's days I wish this cup would pass from my lips; that I'd just kept this all bottled up and hidden; and kept pretending. It seemed so much easier then on everyone but me. But there was peace and no concern of others over My Being. It shouldn't have to be this way for the sake of coming out and being Myself.

    Peace. Love. Hugs.

    Dressed for Gender Therapy-FC.jpg

    Photo of my last visit to the therapist. Hope it's not the last one of me en femme.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  2. #2
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Orange County, Calif.
    Posts
    24,843
    Ilene/Tom, u r not thinking this thru properly. Nor should u try now! On one of the most revered, traditional, family holidays!
    U should call your counselor and leave a message that you're in a new crises and need help! Unfortunately, u will probably have to wait for Monday to receive a reply.
    Until then, I know all sorts of terrible things r running thru your mind. But, u must reject them. Things r NEVER as bad as u first think!
    If u have an opportunity to have a quiet, relaxed, private discussion with your wife, u should. Start by telling her how u miserable and hopeless u feel. Then, just let her talk. I think finding out how she feels and what she wants will make u feel better!

    Your brother doesn't understand nor should he. Somewhere he got the idea being trans is a choice. Since u told him, maybe u can commit to having a question and answer discussion? Where u try to explain how u feel!

    If u have a family gathering today, I hope u pretended to be ill and skip it? Some family members can be difficult even in the best of times!
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 11-22-2018 at 04:33 PM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  3. #3
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Central Coast, CA
    Posts
    1,817
    I truly feel your pain.

    This is something you need to decide. How do wish to live the rest of your life? Take as much time as you need, this is your life, nobody else’s.

    This is not an easy path and I for one would not fault you for turning back.

    For me turning back is not an option.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    A bit south of the 49th!
    Posts
    23,676
    I’m not the person who should be offering relationship advice.

    that being said,(in other words disregard) a couple of things. 1. If emotions of the moment go out of control...stop, retreat and let the situation calm. 2. Your wife tried to keep you near her...that is a positive. 3. Going back to what you were is not an option. The bell has been rung. 4. Only you and your wife can decide on what works from this day forward
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  5. #5
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    3,630
    I’m so sorry that this happened, but it doesn’t sound like things were healthy in the first place. I know from personal experience that divorces suck and a lot of times it can seem like it’s just easier to suffer in the unhappy marriage but that’s a decision you ultimately will have to make for yourself. You deserve to surround yourself with people who will offer love and support, not judgement. Sometimes the family we’re born with isn’t our REAL family. Wishing you strength and joy going forward.

  6. #6
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Midwest U.S.
    Posts
    7,357
    Ilene, This Thanksgiving has been a living hell for me, too, when i drove 120 miles to be with my sociopathic older brother, and my toxic sister. It was walking on eggshells, and nothing i say is ever respected by my cruel nazi like brother, who was in prison, and whose twin is stil in for 20 more years. i got up in the wee hours, and drove 120 miles back home, and left notes telling i am finished with them, cutting ties yet again. I need to respect my life, and being. i understand the hell you are going through somewhat. I only got two hours sleep, before i got up and escaped. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted, like you, today. i have no other family, but them, too. So, i am alone in the world, with three cats. I cannot do human relationships. Felt like ending my miserable life today, again, too. I know how hard it is to have this strong "lady" side within, and nowhere but this site, to let her out on. i wish i had not been born with this, but i had no choice. i choose to starve myself of Alice often, but the urge never goes away for long, and no one i know would understand and accept this. i live in a small town now. I hope your wife will try to be educated on what we deal with, and at least try to be more tolerant, and educated, and graceful with you. Words really do hurt . Please feel free to PM me.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Micki, So true. Family for me has been a lifetime living hell . friends and pets are far better healthy.

  7. #7
    silicone member Danielle_cder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    874
    Ilene,

    My god.

    I’m so sorry. I’ve followed you for a while and this, is not an easy read for me. I’ve always admired you kinda had a feel as if we are close probably something about both being in Colorado and trans. Again I’m sorry. Gosh it’s ment to be thanks giving. I know typing words into some forum is not really connecting or going to make what happend unhappen.

    I too have so many things that seem unfair, problematic, insurmountable, never going to work like everything is stacked against me.... alas I hear my mother, “hang in there”. I hate those words they always always always seem so flimsy but, they are so powerful.

    I’m still here, the moon is going to rise regardless and set, just like the sun. Another day will pass, take a deep breath YOU will be ok.

    -D
    the only limit that u set, is the one u set yourself.

  8. #8
    New Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Posts
    14
    Dont give up hope. You are who you are and no one can change that. Sometimes family isn’t there for you, and I know mine surely has never been, its okay for a person to part ways with those toxic relationships. I have and am much happier now. My wife does get me but unless you have walked the walk you truly won’t understand. I’m also-in counseling and at this time you need to have that support to help you. Your wife sees what other people see as bad or questionable where as you are being true to yourself. Your brother is wrong in his advice to you however sometimes you need to compromise but that would be a two way street. I feel for you as all of use do. Please continue to use use as a sounding board as we are with you.

  9. #9
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    3,963
    Hi Ilene,
    I’m probably not the best person to comment here but I feel so bad for you. I’m sorry things came to a head near a “family” holiday. The holidays seem to bring out a lot of emotion that is hidden the rest of the year.

    It sounds to me like your SO may have been internalizing a lot of pain related to your dressing. I’m not sure if the pain came out in the course of the blow up or if she shared any of this with you before. What I mean is, when the air has cleared, it may be time to both open up without emotion (if possible). I don’t want to make assumptions but were you going “full steam ahead” with or without her knowledge?

    Without trying to sound too simplistic, my thought would be to try to get your priorities in place and work from there. What is your #1 priority? What is her #1 priority?

    I hope you can work this out to a happy outcome for both of you.
    Last edited by char GG; 11-22-2018 at 09:45 PM.

  10. #10
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    ILene,
    I've PMd you to pass on my sincere wishes , maybe at the moment you do need a little of the old Tom to find his strength , also you need to believe in Ilene , you know she isn't going away despite what is thrown at you verbally or physically . You're not playing some game it's for real you didn't need counselling to really tell you that . Like me counselling was possibly more to do with convincing other people how you truly feel inside .

    We all know that picture of Ilene won't be the last , if Ilene ceases to exist now so does Tom . I had to accept that fact myself .

    Sherry,
    Somehow I feel Ilene has tipped the scales , once a wife/partner starts on this road she won't do a U turn , she wants Tom back now and nothing is going to change her mind , for her the game has gone on long enough she want's Ilene out the door and the old Tom back. She hasn't grasped Tom has changed , Ilene has emerged and she's not going away . It all sounds so familiar she wants the control back just like my wife does.
    Last edited by Teresa; 11-22-2018 at 05:50 PM.

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Posts
    820
    Ilene,
    I'm so sorry to read this. I've been following your posts, rooting for you. But you write little about how this is affecting your relationship with your wife. Thinking about my relationship with my wife, I had a nagging feeling that she was not all right with how things were progressing. Unfortunately, I'm not surprised.
    You will get through it. I've concluded that those of us born with this are screwed. Living with ourselves in our binary society required compromise. No matter what path you choose, it will require compromise by both you and your wife. I have no idea what is the best compromise for you two. You and your wife will have to figure that out, together. I believe that you both care about each other, and that makes it all the more difficult. I see many versions of that same story in the posts on this site, and I think often and hard about where my journey is taking me.
    You will get through it.
    It may sound trite, but on Thanksgiving day, please take some time to think about the blessings that you have rather than concentrating on the difficulties. It is a whole lot healthier for you (and we all worry about our sisters on this site). And I suspect that it will better prepare you for working through the difficulties.
    -Peace
    -Gracie

  12. #12
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Location
    Greater Houston
    Posts
    3,041
    Oh, Ilene. I am so sorry to hear of this. Being whipsawed emotionally like that is miserable, but more importantly, it is disorienting. One doesn't know how to feel, much less how to react. That there is at least a temporary ceasefire is certainly not a bad sign, but it is hard to know what will come next, no?
    My guess is that she has not felt safe enough to share her concerns, or just chose not to for reasons of her own. Clearly, positive progress from this point is going to need more communication. Professional help to facilitate that will help. The issues you two are dealing with are not new or unique. The help of someone who knows effective ways of dealing with them can go a long way. No guarantees, of course, but why not tip the odds all you can?

    You will be in my prayers, dear.

    Hugs,

    Kelly

  13. #13
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Midlands UK
    Posts
    7,188
    Ilene,

    In this sort of situation someone needs to hold out an olive branch. The fact that your SO tried to stop you leaving screams that she realises she went too far, things got out of hand.

    Go back, be conciliatory, that doesn't mean you have to rollover but until someone makes the first move to seek a resolution things won't get better.

    Talk, stay calm, and be prepared for a bit of give and take. It may be there are issues that don't have a solution you can both sign up to but until you try you won't know.

  14. #14
    Banned Spammer
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Between here and there but mostly here close to the donuts.
    Posts
    22,257
    It shows proof that coming out to family isn't always the right thing to do.
    They may say they are OK with it to your face but talk bad about you to others in the family.
    Thats why I keep my issues to myself and don't feel I have to come out to them.
    I know many here are on the coming out train and while for them it might work but as you have seen its a crap shoot at best.
    Good luck and I think Helen has some great points.

  15. #15
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Lowestoft UK. Beverley was here.
    Posts
    30,955
    Ilene this ispart of the hard times we all experience sometimes in out lives, I hope the downer does not last.

    I do feel for you.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    697
    Rather than offer any words of advice to you, I am just going to give you a hug and let you know I hear you.

  17. #17
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    2,015
    Life simply gets complicated at times. Sorry to hear that you both are suffering through a tough situation. I am betting that you both will work through this and come through both being better. Best wishes to you both.
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  18. #18
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    San Francisco Peninsula
    Posts
    1,661
    HI Ilene,
    It feels terrible to have your interpersonal rug pulled out from under us like that- after all- FAMILY is where we are supposed to go when there is no other place to go! Alice T had a similar terrible time with family, and it is awful.

    But it [life- YOU-] are not over. You gave your best and ran over a cliff you didn't see. You are in pain and wondering how to find a place to stand and grow. Your life is ongoing and secure because [from your sig block]
    "There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul."

    A lot of us are in the same boat- discovering that once the genie is out of the bottle there is no going back, but a lot of people are doing their best to not accept that. IMHO first aid treatment is to stop needing them to accept it, and to focus instead on finding personal clarity. Basically nonacceptance or threatening is a negotiation stance by others to get us to back down.

    Negotiation only ends when there is agreement or parties give up. So I take some comforting the fact that I am not giving up.
    We are all beautiful...!

  19. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    14,303
    I have to agree with TraciiG (#14) on the issue of revealing oneself to others, especially family, friends and coworkers. I read Ilene's post and some prior postings. I can understand how upset a wife can be when there is a reveal to the world. I've said it many times when the reveal occurs to a wife, it now becomes a shared secret. Maybe, if it just an issue of a cross dresser, a plain vanilla cross dresser, an understanding or compromise or boundaries can be established. If it more than a man's desire to wear women's clothing on occasion, then it really becomes a lot more. In Ilene's situation her wife has had a normalcy of four decades of marriage. I'd say the apple cart has really been upset for both spouses. The question that arises is whether the relationship between husband and wife can be salvaged, and, further should it be. There are no winners in these situations.

    I have not read through all of Ilene's threads. If there is no joint marital counseling going on right now, there should be.

  20. #20
    Member Lux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    296
    My heart breaks reading your post. Please remember that this time of year (the holidays) are an extremely stressful time.

    Take a moment and just take a slow deep breath.

    If you have been with your wife a long time, things should get better once you’ve both vented. If they haven’t, as I see it it, you should either 1) get into a couples therapist asap 2) take a small vacation away to clear your mind and let her feel what life is like with you away or 3) maybe make a pact to keep to yourselves and write each other a letter stating how you each feel and how you think the other person feels. It can be very cathartic to pen your thoughts.

    Please hang in there, you are loved

  21. #21
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    2,192
    Steph,
    Thank you. Your reasoned answer nails it.
    One of the first things my gender therapist told me (reminded me), was that my wife was losing her husband. In her mind, he has and is losing her husband. Yes, I'm still right here. Pretty much the same body, same person. But she sees it as a loss of husband rather than understanding we can (still) be partners.
    Then there's also the shock of the entire transformation. You may not be familiar with my own story, but I was a career Naval Officer; fighter pilot. Even my brother thought of me as a "man's man" all the way. The "fall" from macho pilot to wanna-be woman is long and hard. And yes.... I "get" that too.

    When we come out, so often we hope and pray we have receptive and understanding people who love us. The reaction of others to anything queer is almost primal for some. Yet we hope for the best.

    I think this can be salvaged yet. I'm not ready to give up. My wife so far has resisted professional counseling (together) and has refused to meet or speak with my gender therapist. Clearly, as you say, we will need it.
    As for my own transgender realization and plans for transition? Don't know now. How far can I go with this and not horrify my wife? How much "more transition" will I need to be comfortably Me? As many CD/TG have stated, even in the face of devastating personal loss, There's no going back. No putting it back in the closet. No more denial, shame or guilt.

    I own this. I own most of it for certain. My coming out changed everything. As she stated during the first year we both had to live with "it", "This has ruined my life!!!! This changes our relationship forever." To her credit she has "tried" over the last 3 yrs. She' read and studied the subject. (not always friendly literature or articles either). She hadn't kicked my out or thrown out my clothes, etc. Times she even helped me get dressed and prepared for counseling or support group. I thought things were going along well until now.

    Thanks again, Steph. Sound advice.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  22. #22
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Minneapolis
    Posts
    444
    Ilene, It broke my heart reading your post. We don't know each other but I care and so do others. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through. Truly.

    We can all give you advice. That's easy. We are not living your life and dealing with your feelings. You can read our advice and follow it or not. Many times in my life people gave me advice, I did not follow it and ultimately wished that I had, but my emotions got in the way.

    While I deeply acknowledge your emotional turmoil I am going to give you logical advice anyway. It may help sort out your emotions.
    I am sure your wife loves you since you have been together for so many years but when a person truly loves someone they want them to be happy. That is the thing that is the most important to them, for the person they love to be happy.

    However love is a two way street, if we are not shown an unselfish love is it healthy for us to give that love in return? If your wife wants to work through this and accept you for who you are then great. If she truly believes those things she said and it was not just said in anger I don't see a good resolution for you. Sure you can bury your feelings and stay in the relationship the way she wants it but you will be unhappy and will ultimately make her unhappy.

    I am NOT telling you to split up. What I am suggesting is that the two of you need to determine if you can be happy together. Both of you living your truth, without lies, manipulation or hiding. One thing I know, feelings of gender dysphoria can be buried or hidden or denied but they never go away. It's who you are.

    Best wishes for your happiness.

  23. #23
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    2,192
    Helen,
    Spot on and I've swallowed a bit of pride over the last day or so. She got a foot massage in bed last night when we finally were calmed down enough to sleep together again.

    More counseling required, for certain. I hope she will go.
    Thank you so much. This is the reason I love and value this board and my sisters here for this very reason. It's not because I can run to your comforting arms. I enjoy the compassion, I do. It's because I hear voices of reason and love here. I hear voices of desperation and grief. I hear all the shared stories and learn. For you Helen, and all who rode to my rescue this day..... God bless you with all my heart. If you think what you share is but internet pablum, you are wrong. You make a difference.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  24. #24
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,415
    So sad to hear your story Ilene, truly heartbreaking, just know that you are amongst friends here and that we all care about you and hope that things get sorted out in a positive way.. hugs!!
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  25. #25
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Location
    Fantasy Island
    Posts
    1,613
    Hi Ilene.

    Devastating reading your OP.

    I won't give any advise because I'm pretty sure I'm not qualified to do so but this from Helen seems to sum up rational thinking on the subject:

    Talk, stay calm, and be prepared for a bit of give and take. It may be there are issues that don't have a solution you can both sign up to but until you try you won't know.
    Good luck.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State