Just say no !!

[Teresa]

I hope I can put the humour of this story across but it's a while since I heard my sister in law giggle like this !

I had no choice in calling her to find out how my family was faring , my wife had made it clear not to make contact and I needed to contact my son . She explained my son was fine and that we needed to ring each other more often .

I felt happier hearing this so we chatted about other things for a while and then she asked if I would be around town to meet up for a coffee tomorrow . I said I would be dressed and if she felt comfortable did she mind meeting me like that again , she replied that she was OK because no one took any notice last time and then she asked in a light hearted tone , " What if I don't approve , what do I say ?" I replied , " That's easy S.... just say NO !" She burst into a fit of giggles , the outcome is we will meet again in the morning , if only it could have been that easy with her sister ( my wife !)

[AllieSF]

That is great and please do enjoy the coffee and conversation. Now, about your son. As I understand he is an adult, and unless he told you directly not to contact him, why do you cede power and control to your wife? That makes no sense to me. Her issue is with you and she can not and should not be interfering with the rest of the family, especially when they are grown adults. Are you doing this to avoid unnecessary divorce troubles and financial negotiations if you ever decide to correct your current marriage situation?

[Teresa]

Allie,
My son and daughter really shouldn't be caught up in all this , I don't interfere with them but my wife despite saying she doesn't can't help herself . She is still trying to be in control and force people into taking sides , of course I'm trying avoid any hassle I'm trying to move on . I'm afraid it has reached the point where I have made appointments to get legal advice , I need her off my back now , otherwise she isn't going to move on and she's trying hard preventing me . The finances are already sorted , we split 50-50 , we have our new homes now.

My wife's excuse is protecting the grandsons from whatever she fears from me , my son has made no comment about his own personal feelings but his wife is very black and white so is in total agreement with my wife , so my son is conveniently dodging the issue , he's firmly trapped on the fence . He won't commit himself as my daughter has done but in doing so she has had some real stack ups with my wife in my defence . I am annoyed by her being put in that situation , the associated Emails from my wife over this situation have left scorch markes in my laptop screen !! The latest battle is over me cooking a Xmas meal for my daughter , granddaughter , son in law and son in law's mother , they are happy for me to do it as Teresa , my wife then invited herself up after she finished her working shift stating that if she did come she wouldn't expect to see me dressed , the fact that I hesitated made her fly into a rage . She is now accusing me of completely taking over her role , I tried to tell her that my TG issues were nothing to do with competeing with her as a female .

The situation changes almost daily depending on her mood the only way out is now legally , I agree she shouldn't be involving the rest of the family she is grasping at anything to get her own way , she knows the clock can't be turned back so now it's a case of how much can she hurt me by any means . At the end of her last Email she declared I am a strong person , I read so much into those few words !

[Stephanie47]

First, do not let your pseudo wife invite herself to your Christmas dinner. She needs to completely break any bond with you. Do not pack Teresa away because she has this open hostility for you. If you're daughter's family is fine with Teresa hosting the dinner, than that is the end of the story. If you pseudo wife wants to make an issue with it and try to divide the family your daughter needs to put her mother in her place.

I hope you're saving all the email exchanges. First for any legal issues. Secondly, I am hoping to see a mini series on BBC America one day on the plight of a transgender woman in Britain.

[Teresa]

Stephanie ,
My daughter has told her it's none of her business how she allows my granddaughter to see me dressed . I have asked her to be totally honest with me over this issue , I've told her my granddaughter is more important than my dressing .

Yes I have retained all the Emails .
Nothing to stop anyone turning all this into a mini series , perhaps I should have taken more care what I have exposed on the forum , that aspect hadn't occured to me . Saying that I'm not sure what safeguards if any we have on the forum in this respect .

On the point of the Xmas meal both my daughter and my mother ( who I explained this sitation to ) couldn't understand what motive my wife had to attend . My sister in law said it was just trying to keep the family unit together , being perfectly honest I didn't want my wife anywhere near on Xmas day even setting aside the dressing issue .

[kimdl93]

I won’t quite play devils advocate....particularly in the context of Christmas... but you might use your wife’s self invitation to advantage. Yes, let her know she is welcome to join the rest of the family, even to help prepare and serve Christmas dinner, but she will be welcome only if she refrains from attempting to dictate or negatively comment upon your mode of dress. Put her on the spot for a change.

My guess is she wants her marriage back, but hasn’t come to terms with a marriage that accommodates your needs as well as hers.

[Bobbi46]

Try and keep the upper hand use your solicitor for protection and life will be better, I speak from personal experience on this, one cannot establish a peaceful seperation and a subsequent divorce in a peaceful way, so many times it gets nasty and a having a solicotor behind you gives you clout to fend off the hostility. All of this happened to me with my first divorce, contact became nasty between my ex and I but once I engaged a solicitor and told her that if she had anything to say she was to go through my solicitor, it worked I was much more calm and controlled with things after that.

[Beverley Sims]

In retrospect...

You never know hat is around the corner.

[DaisyLawrence]

I have asked her to be totally honest with me over this issue , I've told her my granddaughter is more important than my dressing.

And that is why you need to get on with the divorce staright away. With hindsight I think you'll agree that the day you first felt that your granddaughter was more important than your dressing BUT your wife wasn't, was the day your marraige ended. Good luck.

[Jean 103]

This needs to stop. You are Teresa now and that’s it. If anyone doesn’t like it than tough. No ifs, ands or buts, simply this is me take it or leave it.

Don’t let her ruin this for you. Do not let her come over, or stop by for even a second. This is your chance or an additional time that will show the family that you are fine and happy. This will not happen if you are having to deal with you wife.

Stay on the high road and everyone will see at it’s your wife that’s the crazy one. Consider this topic off limits. Stay positive, talk about your new life, what you are doing and your future plans. Keep it light and fun, be yourself, this will show that things will be better now, a new normal.

[Teresa]

Daisy ,
I know I have to be careful with my granddaughter as she is mildly autistic , her speech has come back very well , she may have autism but she is far from stupid, who knows what any six year old come come out with . This is my point about priorities I want to support my daughter with the special needs , my wife has accused me of taking advantage of her for my own selfish needs , my daughter is furious over that comment .

Jean ,
I have tried this , keeping the conversaion light but she leads me into the subject by saying things like I will never get a woman while I'm dressed . In reply I said I had exchanged phone numbers with a lady and she didn't turn me down and as she is a SA who has helped me try things on she is fully in the picture . My wife then turned on me by saying so obviously there is something wrong with me , you've made me feel so good about myself .

There is no going back , nothing is going to put all this right , her loss of control is her main problem now she needs another victim !

You are also right about attempting to show the family I am content and happy that was my main reason why I made the offer to my daughter to cook the Xmas meal , this is possibly why my mother and daughter question her motives to join in .

[Stacy Darling]

I can only offer so much here Teresa!

Retaining your moral stance is imperative!

You obviously are not in a competitive race with her and so that should be clear with all!

Then we come to the ins and outs of how families destroy each other out of want. Your former wife trying to destroy you is so wrong, yet will happen. Being you and sticking to that only may be the way to be seen as the who you are!

Be who you are now, but know that we may lose some family along the way.

Just Keep it in your heart that you have done nothing to harm anyone!
Stacy!

[phili]

My wife has super control issues, which I now regard much more sympathetically after she once recounted the sheer childhood terror of repeatedly being out of control riding in the back seat while her father drove while drunk, and fearing for her life as he weaved down the street.

In that light, perhaps your wife wants love, stability, a framework she can understand, and has limited resources [this is all true of my wife] to deal with upending her gender flexibility.

Here is what I try to do:
Try not to respond to provocations- they are masking her desire to prove everyone wrong but her, and there is no way to resolve that - the arguments are not about whatever she says it is about. And like my wife, she simply cannot see herself as a banshee who is making life impossible for everyone. She is just reaching for the punitive strategies that were employed on her, and unconsciously she is still a neglected/pampered child whose love anchor [you] just left her for a closetfull of dresses. The loving thing she wants is to be included warmly and let to spout off without punishment.

[Carolina]

As you rightly point out I would also be concerned about our written history on this and other forums. Could the posts be taken against you/us in a legal fight with a SO? I’ve wondered about it a few times. It would be a pity since I love saying what I really feel about who I am in the forum. Pls check this with your lawyer to avoid any pitfalls on your side.

In any case, on your issue we are all (well, at least me) behind you. Any decent person would not make such a fuss about how you feel or need to present yourself as. What is the problem you’re causing? Anyone should dress as they please as long as genitals are properly covered. The rest, who really cares? I fail to see the problem we cause. Your wife may have the “right” to be disappointed that the man she married presents now as a woman. But she shouldn’t drag the rest of the family into any sides. And your daughter in law, why does she care? What damage are you causing her? She may think we are freaks or something like that (that could stand in the Middle Ages, not in the XXI century), but there is no law being broken or any damage being caused.

Stay true to yourself with the limits you (not anyone else) decide to impose on yourself (like grandkids being more important). Good luck!

[Rachelakld]

Kids (sons, daughters and grandkids) pick up on the love and respect you give them, and in turn reflect it back.
Your sister in law probably also gets this from you and reflects it back

The ex on the other hand, she won't like that one bit, and will cause "Trouble at Christmas" - great movie title if you let her in the house and record it.
My 16 year old has also divorced her mother last year to live with me, a place of peace, love and respect as opposed to a place of hate and nobody ever being "good enough".