Frustrated

[KymberlyOct]

I am having an argument about being stealth on another website. Stealth IMO means that someone has transitioned and has the ability for most or all people to assume that they are cisgender. Whereas open means that either by choice or by the inability to pass those people living as openly trans are known by most people to be transgender.

These are just my interpretations of these descriptions, anyone of course may agree or not.

My position regarding living as stealth is that it is a disservice to both the person themselves and to our acceptance as a community. I am getting pretty beat up for this opinion. My belief is that everyone is entitled to live as they choose but living as stealth is usually for a reason primarily that someone does not want to be judged and if they are not ashamed of who and what they are then what difference does that judgment make.

Recently I have been contacted by many people and I truly appreciate that. Many of the notes have been thanking me, some have just been friendly correspondence and another got me to thinking. The thought provoking one was from someone that I respect their opinion very much. ( I will not disclose their identity to anyone )

That thought provoking note from that person I respect gave me some advice both for myself but also how I speak to others on this forum. She said that I should be careful not to harm others. Her intentions were good and I understand her motives.

That note and the discussion somewhere else that I referenced above have got me thinking about my input here. My primary reason for being here is to do the same for others that some people did for me. I wonder if I am doing that. I only give my opinion. I don't have all the answers. I do think I am pretty smart but there are people more intelligent than I am. The last thing I want to do is cause harm. I am truly here to help. I wonder if I am actually doing that.

I am not planning on leaving.... I posted some lesser thoughts along those lines a few months ago but I am thinking about dialing back my input. Plus I expect to be busier in my life in the new year. Not sure if I will actually dial it back - I tend to need to speak my piece so this may all be a lot of hot air but I am thinking about it at the moment.

To conclude this ramble I am not asking for people to say - oh please Kim don't go anywhere - some people did that last time - rather I am just posting some thoughts and if anyone would like to weigh in on being stealth or the value of anyone giving advice on this or any other forum I would find it interesting.

It was mentioned in a thread recently about people that are post transition leaving this site eventually and I think that is a shame. Because those are the people with the experience - but I get it - they probably wonder if they are actually accomplishing anything by contributing, and others just feel like they don't need it anymore. I don't want to just come and take and then leave.

[DaisyLawrence]

I'll weigh in on those two if no-one minds Kym.

First up stealth. I understand your point about being true to ones self and not worried about being judged but, and it's a big but, life is complicated enough even for happy cis gender people and I can fully understand why a passable trans person (whether they are TS/TG/CD or something else) would welcome the opportunity to go about their day in their new/chosen gender and be accepted as that without any judgement. For the transexual that is, afterall, being ones self is it not? My TS friends here will have more valuable opinions than mine I'm sure. It will be interesting.

Next up the value of opinion. The one thing I've discovered is there are no right answers in the field of gender identity, only opinions and they change with time. Any advise one gives is based on ones personal experience so it is useful. It is a way for the reader to get some of that experience without having to live it themselves. They can then add it to their own experience pot and it all helps to formulate their opinion. The point is that one can never have too much information when it comes to subjects like this. My approach is to read and absorb everything. Now some of that advise/opinion is then rejected but it did not harm and that is the point. The stuff we say may or may not be useful (and I often think I'm maybe not being useful) but I doubt it is harmful (or at least I hope it isn't).

[pamela7]

Hi Kymberly,

Every input is potentially useful. Sometimes it might be taken the wrong way, but other times a light bulb goes on. We continue for the lightbulbs, right? Because if one life is changed for the better, then we've made a difference, and that's how it is.

Yesterday, my wife and I were helping out at the local community christmas lunch for the lonely and vulnerable, and the event made a difference. One alcoholic said they had never seen anything like it, and they were in tears, and felt it was changing their view of people, of humanity. We do the same here. It may not be acknowledged, but you help people, every little different perspective helps. I know I've had tears from posts here, too. And that's part of the point.

Edit: on the stealth: it is their choice. in this country one would not be allowed the transition/hormones without being fulltime, though i'm sure some people cheat the system. I can see a point in stealth for some, living in dangerous places, with a plan to move to a new place, fully-transitioned and new id, to begin anew without dealing with the transition effect in the community. Sure, good therapy would mitigate or avoid these needs, but most folks can't face themselves, in reality.

[Dorit]

I am learning to let go of the mind of judgement, first towards myself and then others. Is "going stealth" right, is it "a shame to to leave this site after transition," am I offering anything meaningful? All issues of judging ourselves and others, trying to decide with our heads what should be, what is good or bad, and as Kym mentioned leads to arguments and sometimes way worse. To embrace the beauty of the differences between people, to accept that it can be both and not always either or is also the heart of self acceptance. We of all people need to live this for ourselves and those we have contact with. I believe this is the path to making a difference.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My position regarding living as stealth is that it is a disservice to both the person themselves and to our acceptance as a community. I am getting pretty beat up for this opinion. My belief is that everyone is entitled to live as they choose but living as stealth is usually for a reason primarily that someone does not want to be judged and if they are not ashamed of who and what they are then what difference does that judgment make.


Sorry but I dont find this to be a constructive thought at all... sounds judgmental...and its making a HUGE presumption... how about just leaving it that most people know best what improves their own quality of life, and it has nothing to do with what you think??? and we all have to choice to support different communities in any way we choose??

Stealth?? Don't knock it till you try it. and if you cant do it because of whatever reason, that surely informs how you feel about it..
I live openly stealth...need to know basis...my doctor...my lawyer....old friends..family..,,but nobody else knows and I dont care for them to know..

I go out and give speeches to large groups as well... but there I'm not hanging out with those folks afterwards...

should I put a patch on my forehead?? when im approached for being tall should I tell them im trans?? when a guy at the gym loves talking to me about comics and says its so cool to be talking to a woman about it should I let him know??
when a woman at a social gathering asks about my ex husband, should I go into the whole thing??

Sorry, but the way that sentence reads, its no surprise to me that a number of people reacted negatively...

Every person should just do their best, and hopefully in a way that beats their dysphoria and improves their quality of life and lives by golden rule...... nothing more to it...

[Teresa]

Kymberly,
Maybe stealth is the wrong word , I might be more inclined to say integrate , it suggests they want to hide their identity almost as a closeted CDer may do . To integrate which is the way I'm trying to live my life means people know our circumstances , accept them and allow us to be part of the community . Again I'm going to suggest the actual label isn't important .

Being allowed to comment , is part of our society , how you do it is the important factor . Ask yourself would you be where you are now without others passing comment ? I know I wouldn't be , OK sometimes we do get it wrong but the fact we have made a contribution provokes other people to consider whether our suggestions and comments apply to them or not . To try and please everyone is impossible , to say nothing helps no one ! Human beings need and thrive on interaction with each other , to stop doing it means we retreat back into cave dwelling !

[DaisyLawrence]

To integrate which is the way I'm trying to live my life means people know our circumstances , accept them and allow us to be part of the community .

But I think the point Kaitlyn was trying to make was that people do not need to know ones circumstances. For the trans person that can successfully present in their new/chosen gender surely it can be said that their "back story" is of no more importance than that of any other cisgender individual. We all have our back story afterall. For example, surely a transexual woman is just another woman (regardless of their personal back story) and should be accepted or dismissed by people on that basis just as any other cis gender woman would?

Human beings need and thrive on interaction with each other , to stop doing it means we retreat back into cave dwelling !

That last part is true indeed.

[Amelie]

Good idea, everyone who is Trans should wear a scarlet "T" patch on their clothes. Gays can wear a "G". And for the sub groupings of trans can wear a "T.1" or what ever number on the trans umbrella they live on. That way people won't ask a question that might be offensive, they just look at the letter and ask an appropriate question or none at all.

Being stealth just means people want to live their lives in peace. They don't want to be asked stupid questions where ever they go. There is no need for other people to know who one is. People for the most part want to be left alone and not explain their life to others.

I try to live stealth. If someone asks a stupid question or one that they don't like the answer then I tell them anything even if it isn't true, just to get them away from me. I am not a representative of any community, I don't speak for the greater good of a cause. I just want to be left alone as much as possible and living stealth is the way to do that.

As far as living in a cave goes, don't knock it till you tried it. I've been living in the woods for the last few years now and I find the quiet and escape from human contact quiet pleasing. Even when living in NYC it was similar to living in a cave. Even though there are many people about, most ignore you and don't know you exist. I just come online from time to time to see how things are in the world. And from the things I read I want to turn off the computer and go back to the trees. Sometimes I can't believe the things I read, everyone wants to tell others how to live, it never ends. Time to feed the squirrels.

[Carolina]

I believe the two topics are important.

Stealth living may be aspirational for many of us who are considering transitioning or already doing it. Being able to live as a woman without any additional prejudices or question marks would be a dream for many of us. However there is also a big thank you to give to those who decide to stay in the trans community and help others along their journeys. I respect both choices as they are personal ones. Based on the experiences of many of you, transitioning is not easy. I understand those who’ve had enough already and want to enjoy their new lives, potentially breaking from the past. But that’s why I also value tremendously those who remain involved to help those of us who may be coming behind.

On the other issue, I really appreciate the sharing of your views and experiences, no matter what those may be. If people share their experiences it can only be positive. If you share your views based on your own experience it is extremely valuable, at least to me. It is up to us to decide what to do with the information we get. The more information, the more different points of view, it is always the better.

As an example, Kym, one of the comments you made, an advice you gave in one of my posts a few weeks ago made me think hard about my own situation. I truly value your views and advice. With your comments I have more information that I can later on process on my own or discuss with my therapist to get somewhere. Without it I would not have been able to realize a few important issues about myself.

So in summary, please share, comment and continue speaking your mind on this site. I, for one, value tremendously any and all comments, particularly those coming out from your own experiences. Without this forum I would be way behind in my understanding of who I am and in my decision to seek professional help. So thank you for being there!

[AllieSF]

I have to agree with Kaitlyn on this one. It is hard enough to get where one is going and wants to be, especially for a transgender individual. Whether they put that "T" on their forehead, or in their introductory conversation is totally up to them. Yes, thank you so much for all those who have gone before us and have shared their experiences and opinions to others who may be on a similar path. Thank you for staying around after too, as that can also be a drag for them, or, as in many instances, a type of ongoing support for them too.

As for opinions, keep them coming. All can be helpful or hurtful depending on when and how made and on who hears them and how they may be at that moment. Your opinions are valuable sinbce you are walking the talk. Your experiences are real, and it is nice, but not mandatory, that you share them.

Kym, the New Year is coming with great things for many of us and some pain for the others. I hope yours are great.

[Jeri Ann]

My position regarding living as stealth is that it is a disservice to both the person themselves and to our acceptance as a community. I am getting pretty beat up for this opinion. My belief is that everyone is entitled to live as they choose but living as stealth is usually for a reason primarily that someone does not want to be judged and if they are not ashamed of who and what they are then what difference does that judgment make.

I do not consider my life as "stealth". I was born female. My earliest recollection is of that. However, I was identified differently the moment I was born. For most of my life I tried to be male, it was what was expected of me. When I could no longer do that I transitioned. I transitioned from life as a male to life as a female, my natural identity. I did not transition to a transgender life with a transgender identity. Transgender is the condition that I have that has been, and continues to be, corrected by medical intervention.

I live very successfully as a woman. How on earth is that a disservice to me or the "community"? There are many people that know that I have transitioned and there are many who do not and assume I am a ciswoman. If someone doesn't know, it is not because I am avoiding their judgement, or I might be. It is my business. Even the people who do know, think of me, treat me, speak of me as a woman. That is all I ever wanted, to live as my authentic self. Who knows what about me is my decision.

How ironic, your opinion is that, if someone is "stealth", they are avoiding judgement yet, they are getting it right here. Is this what you want to pay forward? Let people live their lives.

[Pat]

My position regarding living as stealth is that it is a disservice to both the person themselves and to our acceptance as a community.

OK, I'll come out of retirement for this one. I believe you have forged a connection that does not exist. The decision to live "stealth" is unrelated to working for our acceptance as a community. I know a mountain of Cis people who worked incessantly to promote acceptance of trans folks in MA prior to this year's election. In fact, we could never have won if only Trans people voted in favor of trans acceptance. We won with 67.8% of the vote. All people who promote our cause help lift us -- and they can do that while stealth if it suits them. So the only way they can interfere with our acceptance as a community is if they actively choose to -- think of the preachers who preach hate toward the gay community only to be "outed" sometime later. I'm hoping there aren't a lot of trans folks like that.

Why would someone go stealth? Since going quiet on this site I've had the chance to live for long stretches of time where I don't have to think about my gender at all. Honestly, that's pretty relaxing. The other day someone came up and asked me about what it was like when I was "a little girl." I didn't see any reason to correct him, not because I'm being stealthy but because it had no bearing on the answer. If he walked away thinking I was a natal woman, I think it's harmless. I don't hide my Transness (if that's a word) but I don't want it to be the sum total of my life. I want to be remembered for what I have done, not for what I am.

[Aunt Kelly]

My position regarding living as stealth is that it is a disservice to both the person themselves and to our acceptance as a community. I am getting pretty beat up for this opinion. My belief is that everyone is entitled to live as they choose but living as stealth is usually for a reason primarily that someone does not want to be judged and if they are not ashamed of who and what they are then what difference does that judgment make.

Wow... where to start?

What kind of "judgement" is it to suggest that someone, who has successfully transitioned and is living authentically as the person they have always known they were, owes some debt to the community that can only be repaid by hanging a sign around her (or his) neck that says "I'm a trans woman/man". Yes, it is noble to want to give back, and if that's how you choose to do it, bless you, but no one, no one who has been through all it takes to completely transition owes anyone a damned thing. To suggest that they do strikes me as more than a bit insensitive, and to further suggest that those who choose to live "stealth", as you call it, do so because they are ashamed of their status is callous beyond words.

I will close by observing that more than one TS member here has stated clearly that they do not wish to be known as a trans woman. Whatever moniker you and I might choose to describe ourselves, and however activist we choose to be, we absolutely should respect those who choose to do otherwise.

P.S. - Nice to hear from you again, Pat.

[GracieRose]

I'm not qualified to respond here, but I'll put in my 2 cents worth.
Is it really stealth when you don't feel the need to tell everyone everything about your background or personal business? I don't think that any of us owes an explanation to every Tom, Dick and Harry that we run into. I don't see anything wrong with sharing personal details on more of a "need to know" basis.
This made me think of a similar situation that is unrelated to trans issues.
I know someone that had 2 children born within a few months of each other. One was her natural child and one was adopted (due to some complicated circumstances). Early on, when strangers assumed that they were twins, she felt the need to provide full disclosure and tell them the story behind it. After a while, she grew weary of providing an explanation so she just let them assume that they were twins. I don't think that it was because of being ashamed of the situation or feeling a need to be stealthy as much as realizing that it really isn't necessary. (A humorous side note. Once, she nodded agreement to someone that assumed that they were twins, and that person then asked if they were identical twins. They did not look remotely close in appearance to each other. She just shrugged and said no.)

[grace7777]

At times I do live as stealth. Around my apartment complex I have not told people who live around me that I am transsexual. Now some may figure out I am trans, but I do not feel I need to advertise the fact. Now if somebody asks me if I am transgender, then I will tell them that I am. When we transition, we transition to live as women, not trans women. It feels nice when people just view you as a regular women. Having said this, I do not go to great lengths to hide it. For Instance, on my LinkedIn page you will not see anything revealing I am trans when you go to the initial profile page, but if you look at the group's I belong to, you will see I belong to a trans group.

Most of us cannot get away with being 100% stealth. After beginning to live full time as a woman, I held a temporary job that required me to undergo a background check, requiring me to reveal my previous name. In my current position, I am working at a company I had worked at in the past before transitioning, so everyone working there knows my story. Also some clients are aware who knew me in the past. As to clients who now meet me, I do not reveal to them that I am trans. Personally, I feel that they do not need to know. Also, the company I work for is a CPA firm.

I think being to open could cause unnecessary problems.

I am not planning to cut all ties with the trans community. I would like to be able to help others out who decide to transition in the future. My plan is to continue to be active in this forum as time allows.

Grace

[Helena]

Kym, although massively under qualified to be here I will offer my simple comments. I can see both sides of your distillation of the stealth debate, recognising that TS have nothing to be ashamed of and should be proud and that in turn helps it to become normal and everyday, but on the flip side they just wish to live without the additional label and surely they should be able to live by their own rules and needs.

It is surely little different to the general population and our differing views on personal privacy. I am very tightly bound cabbage, who apart from the crossdressing didn't have a lot to hide but still doesn't share much. Other people may give you their whole life story in one elevator ride.

The comment about do no harm struck a cord as it reminded me of the central tenet of how First Aid is taught in the UK now. And that works quite well as an analogy. You and most other posts are just trying to help, and that is so valuable. I have been on the general forum for a very long time, posting nothing, but a little nudge from Teresa and desire to help even a little have got me started. Thousands of threads have helped me and now that should be paid forward. I have no intention to denigrate anyone but no doubt will fall in one of the countless heffalump traps.

[Rianna Humble]

I have taken my time before responding to this.

As just about everyone here knows, I could not live stealth no matter how hard I tried (a narrow google search for my name came up with 9650 references in just over half a second). But even if I were able to go stealth, it would not stop me advocating for Trans people's rights any more than not being a Tsunami victim prevented me from advocating for the rights of the victims and survivors of Tsunamis.

I cannot agree with the suggestion that living stealth equates to shame. Everyone who has ever transitioned has earned the right to live their lives as they choose and if that does not include preceding every sentence with "before I transitioned ..." so be it.

I truly appreciate all those members who have transitioned and come back to help and support others. Eventually some will drift away and that is natural since (as someone once said) "life is what happens to you whilst you're busy making other plans". When that happens, the next generation will be there to offer their experience and support.

I don't have to agree with every word written to know that members are offering their best support drawn from their personal experiences and from what they have seen & read.

Once I told someone who was not participating much any longer that I would miss her if she left completely. That was not to lay a burden upon her to stay forever, simply a statement that I appreciated her and that if I lost contact I would miss her. Life still caught up with her and she did eventually drop out of these forums.

In my case, advocating for people is not what I do, it is who I am, but I am not every woman.

[KymberlyOct]

I am posting this reply without reading the majority of the responses here intentionally. The reason is that I don't want to be swayed YET and I also do not want to appear that I am appeasing anyone. I read a few of them last night but ran out of time.

I am confident that I have earned some credibility for honesty so here is what I have been thinking about the last 24 hours or so.

My intention here is and was to do what I felt others had done for me both here and elsewhere. It was very difficult for me to transition- I never thought I would do it. I do not pass and I was afraid of what other people would think and did not want to go through life being thought of as a freak of some sort.

Once I made the decision to transition something that I learned both here from one member in particular and in working with my therapist was that I was the one with the problem. I never thought I felt shame regarding being trans - I was at peace with it - but I feared what others would think. Then I finally realized (with some help) that if I was afraid of what people would think then it was I that thought there was something to be critical of.

I was the one that deep down was a transphobe.

After posting both this thread and others and getting some feedback and PMs ( although I have not read the majority of the replies yet)
I did some soul searching. Do I believe what I said? Yes. HOWEVER - that is just my opinion - what is right for me - how I did this.
Whether someone is living that reality I don't know. I can have my opinions but it really doesn't matter. It's their life - not mine.
And my intention here is only to help.

For me I found that help early on by people asking me tough questions - tough love so to speak - and it really helped me figure things out. It went to the root of my fears and helped me overcome them. But other people may be dealing with different issues - or IMO may not want to deal with them at all - that is their choice. I am not going to cram my thoughts and beliefs down their throats nor should I.

So going forward I am going to take my 'advocacy' for lack of a better word coming to mind at the moment - anyway I am going to take it down a notch. If anyone wants to PM me for my unvarnished opinion I will be happy to provide it. I intend to be continue to be thought provoking but I am going to go to great lengths to not say something that someone does not want to hear for two reasons.
1. I truly don't want to hurt anyone.
2. To be honest I don't need the heartache.

OK time to go read everything.

Eh - maybe tomorrow I want to go to bed.

[pamela7]

Once I made the decision to transition something that I learned both here from one member in particular and in working with my therapist was that I was the one with the problem. I never thought I felt shame regarding being trans - I was at peace with it - but I feared what others would think. Then I finally realized (with some help) that if I was afraid of what people would think then it was I that thought there was something to be critical of.

While that is ONE interpretation of the fear, there are more: b) even if there is nothing "to be critical of" any violent person might be looking for a pretext/excuse to cause harm, because that is how psychos operate, so one might well choose to be wary about walking out unaccompanied late at night in a dodgy area, c) being aware of what others think, being concerned to put across good appearances are aspects of employment for example, d) being aware of prejudices is a necessary survival skill for anyone part of a small minority demographic. None of these other options makes one transphobic.

[Laura912]

I have been living in stealth mode for nearly eight years now, both on a daily basis and at more formal occasions. The clothes worn daily do not give any hints not does the vehicle I drive, a 2003 truck. The jeans with knee patches and old sweat shirts hide well the retired doctor.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

So YOU had a problem
That, and how you dealt with it is worth talking about..

But here's what you basically said, and then reiterated in a follow up

"stealth-broadly defined" is bad...
and its bad because its about shame ,
and its bad because its a disservice to the community...

after some pushback
in defense of this you say , well its only my opinion.

but its not based on any real things..it makes a huge incorrect assumption that deserves to be rebuked...

as far as stealth itself...you don't even know what it is...you should learn from others that are actually experiencing it..

you have no idea why people live that way, and you have no idea what the benefits of it are..
you also ignore that dysphoria is personal, and healing from it can by physical, chemical, emotional, relationship oriented or all of them...totally unfair to judge...

you have no experience or qualifications other than mind reading and presumptions....and man it really ticks me off when people talk about other peoples obligation to support the community...making people feel bad for not doing enough and putting any contributions you make ahead of others... frankly i think that kind of attitude does more of a disservice than anything else...(see what i did there???)..it just causes lots of rancor...

[Mirya]

Attempting to shame other people into living their lives in the way in which you want them to live, is rarely an effective motivating tactic.

[Nikki.]

I think the message has been conveyed....

[KymberlyOct]

I am going to post the first part of this prior to reading the rest of the replies and then finish this reply. This will be a long post because I intend it to be the final time I address the issue at length. I may post brief replies if necessary but I don't want to participate in an ongoing debate. The reason is that I have previously and will have at the end of this said most of what there is to say but also I am emotionally spent regarding the issue.

Here is the part I want to say before reading the replies...

It is ironic that I have gotten so many people upset both here and elsewhere considering how I have lived my life. I am the type of person that always wants to get along - to be liked - and I care about other's opinions of me. Far too much to be honest. It is a weakness of mine that I need the acceptance of others. That is why transitioning was so difficult for me.

I realize that all of us have a different journey regarding our gender and lives as a whole. But I do think a common theme is that most of us have had difficulty dealing with being trans in one way or another. Either that we are worried about how others in our lives will deal with it or what it will 'cost' or our own internal embarrassment that others know our secret. That is why most of us participate in forums such as this - we want support for the emotional challenges we are going through.

If we didn't have these feelings / fears or however else you want to describe them we wouldn't be here.

I understand some may not have these fears but I think many/most do. So the reason I have shared so many details of my personal experience was to tell others that they are not alone. While sharing those details I had reservations about doing so. I knew I was opening myself up to many negative possibilities. But I thought it was important to do so in order to possibly give some insight to those that are beginning this journey. Do I have some regrets about doing so - yes. My feelings are hurt to be honest. But on the other hand I know based on notes I have received including personal contact off site that some people appreciate it so I guess I did the right thing. Those that feel that way may not want to take the heat and I understand - it kind of sucks.

I never intended to offend or hurt anyone and for those I did I am sorry.

I still believe in my positions though. IMO wanting to stay stealth is a matter of choice but it doesn't not help people deal with their own issues regarding acceptance and also with our acceptance in society.

All societal movements require some people to be out in the world advocating. If you choose to stay in the background that does not make you a bad person.

I would say that most or all of us care about trans rights - bathrooms - birth certificates - healthcare - employment - military service etc. If we stay hidden we are not going to change society.

In the last 100 years there have been movements such as the women's suffragette - I am sure they all wanted to vote - some did something about it. The civil rights movement - some gave their lives. Gay rights and gay marriage - they did not stand in the shadows. If you believe in trans rights IMO you can't complain if you choose to be stealth.

As I have said many times - do I wish I could be stealth - YES. A couple of reasons why 1. The remnants of my own internalized transphobia ( I don't like getting looks in public ) 2. All women want to be prettier /sexier etc. But I am happy in some ways that it turned out the way it did - because I had to do the tough emotional work.

When I thought I was going to FFS surgery shortly after transition my primary reason was to be stealth. I still wanted to hide. And if health and money issues had not prevented that I would have. But I am mostly happy that it turned out this way.

OK I am going to go read the replies - based on some supportive messages I have received I know I am going to get beat up. I will reply to those and after that I am done discussing this and probably being less active and less outspoken.

Addition - I have read the replies and I am not going to address each individually because this would get ridiculously long so I will conclude with a few thoughts.

I do not think we should put a 'T' patch on our heads- I know this was a metaphor - nor do I think we should we should introduce ourselves such as "Hi I am Kim and I am trans". That is ridiculous - but I do think when it comes up naturally we should not run from it.

Everyone has the right to live as they see fit - I have said that numerous times - I am just one person giving my opinion. That is the thing about opinions - if you didn't believe it then you would have a different one.

For those that have found my opinions helpful - I am glad - for those that found them upsetting - I will not be so outspoken going forward - I don't need the emotional turmoil. I have made my points.

I truly wish everyone that agrees - disagrees - or some of both peace and happiness.

[Aunt Kelly]

I never intended to offend or hurt anyone and for those I did I am sorry.

Apology accepted.

I still believe in my positions though. IMO wanting to stay stealth is a matter of choice but it doesn't not help people deal with their own issues regarding acceptance and also with our acceptance in society.

...If you choose to stay in the background that does not make you a bad person.

Now I am confused....
"My position regarding living as stealth is that it is a disservice to both the person themselves and to our acceptance as a community.
...your words. OK, not "bad", just treating themselves and the community poorly. Making that kind of judgement about how others live their lives is, to say the very least, presumptuous. It is also, in my experience, inaccurate.

Most of the trans women I am acquainted with do live their lives as women. That's why they chose transition, and all that implies. Most of them are also active, to one extent or another, in supporting the community in the real world, but that is not their identity. They are women, with careers, families, homes, car payments, hobbies, boyfriends or girlfriends. You know, just like "real" people. But even those who are not, by any stretch, activists, are doing something even more important to our being accepted - they are busy living their normal lives. Every person they encounter, who only later realizes that they've been interacting with a TG person, has learned (whether they admit it or not) that the person in question was just like any other. If they'd led with their TG nature, they'd be defining the very difference that they hope to avoid, and more often than not, provoking the kind of reaction we'd all like to see become a thing of the past. Let that sink in.

Doing the math, there are thousands of TS folk here in the Houston area alone. Only a handful have ever had a presence here. Don't get me wrong. I do not mean to minimize the importance of this forum and the contributions of thoughtful members like yourself, but I do realize that it is the real world where we make the biggest difference. Collectively, we owe much more to those out there who are just doing life, than we do to all the sages on these pages.