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Thread: Coming out to family

  1. #1
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    Coming out to family

    I am a 55 years old. I have been on hormones for 6 months. My mother has not accepted as Diane. I have been living as a woman for 6 years. I had to go in drag every time I was with my mother. This Christmas a I want to be myself at our family Christmas party. My mother knows, but it is like I don't see it it isn't happening. I am thinking talking telling her ahead and le her decide. Give her a opportunity to meet Diane. Does any one have suggestion on how to do this.

  2. #2
    Junior Member Sara Olivia's Avatar
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    Hi Diane, My parents were not at all comfortable with the idea of me dressing and living as a woman. The comment I heard over and over again was that "You've made it this long without transitioning to living as a woman so why can't you stay this way for the rest of your life". I had to tell them, and other family members, that this is who I needed to be and they could either accept me for my real self or risk losing me from their lives. I made it clear that this was no longer a choice for me but something I had to do with them or without them. Fortunately in my case they choose to stay a part of my life.

    So the first time they met Sara was just for a 15 minute cup of coffee that ended up stretching into a two hour visit. Once they saw me they quickly became more comfortable with the new me and everytime I rose to leave they asked me to stay longer. When I finally left that evening I think a huge obstacle was behind all of us. My mom told me that she was going to be ok with me as a woman going forward and my dad joked that I looked better as a woman than I ever had as a man. We've had a great relationship ever since and that was about two years ago.

  3. #3
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Please tread carefully when coming/being seen as you for the first time on important holidays, birthdays, and similar important moments. It is best to do it in a nice one on one familiar place, like someone's house. People are very sensitive when put on the spot out in the general public or when around family and friends. Talk to her, YES, and then you can ask when she can see you as you. Good luck. I have personal negative experience with doing that at Thanksgiving this year. Be careful because it can really backfire.

  4. #4
    Member KymberlyOct's Avatar
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    Diane I agree with Sara and Allie, an event like Christmas is probably not the time to introduce her to Diane. Not because it's Christmas and you are ruining Christmas or any such nonsense. It's because you want a low stress quiet situation that you can take your time discussing things if she presents the opportunity for questions or support or concerns.

    The big drama idea of doing at an occasion is stuff for TV and movies. Real life needs to be handled more delicately. I just instinctually knew how do do it. I told my friend on the phone I needed to talk to him - went to his house - sat down with him and just spilled the beans. I told him from now on he would be seeing me as female. Pretty much how I did it with everyone. Oh yeah and I cried the first few times - what the hell I'm a girl right LOL.

    Skip the drama - get to what is important.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    You are free to ask. She is free to say no. Her house, her rules. Having that right doesn't make her right, if you take my meaning, but you should respect her expressed wishes. Notice that I said "expressed". That implies that there will be a frank conversation about the matter. You have a right to that as well. Is there someone supportive, and close to the both of you, who can mediate?

  6. #6
    Member Anne K's Avatar
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    I suppose there is two ways to come out to friends and family: All-in-all-at-once or ease-into-it. Not sure which is best. I choose the later because it allows me to pick the right time and place. Seems to me the first option opens you up to a lot of drama that will go on a long time. How could you possibly handle all the questions, emotions, and posturing all at once. I think all of us understand the desire to just get it over and move on with life, but that is a lofty goal. I suggest you enjoy the family over Christmas and then come out to selected friends and family. Eventually, the news will travel ahead of you!

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member elizabethamy's Avatar
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    Diane, what about the other family members who will be with you over the holidays? Where are they in terms of being with Diane? Do they know about her?

    I too am coming out over Christmas -- to my own kids, at my wife's house (which I left only a month and a half ago). I've decided not to appear as female to them (they are 18 and 26) for a while, really until they say it's okay, though if they run into me in town that's a different story. There's a part of me that wants to "rip off the bandaid" and just make everyone deal with it all at once, but my thinking is that my kids' feelings come first. So I guess, who do you care about the most, and what you think is right for them, seems the right measure at least at first. Over time, everyone will have to get used to it if they want to be around me (or any of us transitioned women)...but maybe they can be eased into it.

    good luck!

  8. #8
    Member KymberlyOct's Avatar
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    Elizabeth - The way we have 'the talk' is a very personal thing that I don't thing there is a real right or wrong answer to rather it is more of an opinion based on the people and circumstances.

    When I came out to my daughter who was 24 at the time we were driving home and as we passed by a park with some benches I asked her if we could stop and talk for a few minutes. I was fully presenting as a male that day. And I just told her. I eased into it - it was not the first sentence out of my mouth. But it was fine after about 10 minutes. She was surprised but supportive.

    Based on the age of your kids they could probably handle either - but instead of shocking them my advice would be to tell them the first time in 'male' mode. The choice is yours - just my opinion.

  9. #9
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    I'm a bit surprised that many of the previous replies overlooked the fact that you said that you were going to talk to her and let her decide.

    I think you should have the talk in male garb and tell her as dispassionately as possible what brought you to this point then ask for her help.

    After that, you could ask her if she would like to see Diane before Christmas to help her to decide what she thinks would be best for that day.

    You have already stated your aim to leave the decision to her and if you choose wording similar to what I have suggested, you will be underlining to her that you want to respect her decision.
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