An End In Sight....

[Tommie.]

I haven't posted in a very long time and saw with interest some believe maybe there has been a decline in posting.... but I too have had much help from those here and thanks to all whom have helped and listened. 2018 has been extremely difficult for me, because this year, and like most trans, I lost my marriage, my family, my home, half of all I have, my friends, my mother passed, voice surgery failed, FFS did not go well and so on. I was forced into an apartment before the first of this year, which after having a home for 40+ years was a shock.... I called it the 'crying place' because that is what I did there.... by myself, alone and lost.... all the joy of transition eclipsed by sadness, grief, guilt, regret and loss.... I did not handle it well... I had the end well planned.... they took preventive measures.... I'm glad they did.

I have been on HRT almost three years now, had an orkie last year in 2017, tried to turn back three times, purging, recommitting, all to save my marriage but could not do it, each time sliding back into who I really am... you can't put the genie back in the bottle. I begged my wife of 43 years to not divorce me repeatedly but she said she would not be married to a woman or be seen as being married to a woman... but after looking at things we were having trouble for the last 5 years and probably because of my dissatisfaction with whom I was trying to be for the first 60+ years.... I blame only me.... you cannot help how anyone else feels. And yes I have have had years of counseling and friends telling me I have a right to be me, I'm justified, deserving, I did right by all in my family and it was my turn, you have to be yourself.... and I want to believe it... I do... but I regret hurting all whom I love so very deeply.

But slowly, very slowly I have gotten better, and it's not all bad... I've had blessings.... thank you. I had the money to not be homeless. I was able to fully come out and transitioned in a little job at a hotel. A few in my extended family did not turn against me. I moved away from my Texas home of 60+ years, another extreme shock, to find a new home in Florida, where the people here seem much more accepting and open. I was able to join a Church that accepted me and I was able to return to worship. And best of all I met another trans woman who was lonely like myself and we have made a home together, bought a house, and started over.

I love who I am becoming. I can go out now as a woman who I always wanted to be, dreamed of, closeted as..... I go for my final surgeries in Canada in January and I can't believe it's finally happening. I'm in awe of what I have survived. I had no concept of the depth of pain and anguish of those who have gone before have experienced... or the joy, satisfaction and peace that is unfolding before me. The journey is astounding, the emotions undefinable, I'll be glad to leave 2018 behind, and so yes, there is an end in sight.... but then it's really a new beginning.

Thank you for listening or reading I should say. I just wanted to share... to encourage... to give hope... and to say don't give up... follow your heart. I hope each and everyone of you and yours has a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays as you celebrate them, and I wish you the best of things in the New Year.

tommie

[KymberlyOct]

What a coincidence - I was just on my profile a few minutes ago and saw my friends list and wondered how you are doing. I am so sorry to hear things have been so difficult. This journey is often a difficult one - but living a lie can be more difficult in the long run.

I was gone from the site for 5 or 6 months. But I came back to hopefully pay it forward in some small way.

Although I am sad to hear things have been tough I am happy to know they are getting much better and I am glad to see you back.

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Tommie,

I have wondered what became of you.

As you know, your story could be my story with very little editing. The cost of transition is high. Especially when it costs you your family. In church this morning the pastor said that, it is nice when we can have our biological family but when we can’t, we can have our logical family. I thought that was pretty cool. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my loved ones. It has been over a year since I have heard my daughters voice. I deal with inexplicable grief still.

Some people will say that it is selfish to transition, that we are only thinking of ourselves. It is hard for them to understand that for most of our lives we tried to be something we are not, just for them. They can’t understand that when we can no longer do that, we must be ourselves or cease to be.

Have you second guessed yourself? I have. I wonder occasionally if I have made a mistake. How could I give up so much? Hurt so many people. But, trying to imagine myself back in that pretend roll is always impossible. I can’t even consider going back. What people also can’t understand is the inner peace that comes with living authentically. In comparison, material things lose value. And the relational loss? It wasn’t me that did the rejecting.

Transitioning is not fun and games. And, it involves way more than just taking some pills. The myths and misinformation about our condition, it’s treatment and prognosis is why I hang around. It would be much easier to just move on as so many others have. But instead I stand in the shadows of this forum, stepping in to help when I can.

It is important to network. My network includes, maybe 40 transwomen and about a dozen trans men, most of whom never heard of this forum. There is a real world out there beyond the microcosm of this forum. That is where the transsexuals go to when they leave this forum. My primary way of communication has become email and text messages. I have become an activist, of sorts. I have spoken at school board meetings, churches and conferences.

I have been around a long time. I checked in here on a regular basis for years before I finally joined in 2011. I know that the lulls in posting here are cyclical. Transsexuals transition and get on with their lives. Another reason I seldom post here is because this section is open to non members, anyone can read the posts here. I still have hateful people stalking me to use things I say and do against me.

I think you have my email. If you need anything let me know. Pm me if you need my email.

[Lana Mae]

Tommie, thanks so much for sharing this with us! It helps confirm that I am on the right track! I am happy for you that things are starting to work out for the best! Have a merry Christmas and a great rest of your life! Hugs Lana Mae

[KymberlyOct]

It is important to network. My network includes, maybe 40 transwomen and about a dozen trans men, most of whom never heard of this forum. There is a real world out there beyond the microcosm of this forum. That is where the transsexuals go to when they leave this forum.

Jeri Ann Had a lot of great things to say but I wanted to jump on this particular point above. This forum is helpful - it helped me a great deal early on. But it is not everything. I think a therapist is important - I know a few disagree. Also is a network-community-social and support groups. Get involved - meet people.

As Jeri Ann mentioned many transsexuals leave this forum when they move on with their life - post transition. I did for somewhere around 5 or 6 months. Then I started to feel like I didn't do my share. The people that originally helped me here were for the most part post transitioned. Most of them have 'graduated' so to speak. All I did was take. I think along the way I started to add but I got more here than I gave. That's why I came back.

For those of you early in this journey use this forum as a place to learn - ask questions of those who have been down this road but this shouldn't be your only resource. An important one - but not the only one.

[Tommie.]

It is truly great to hear from y'all.... another blessing for me. Yes I have been down but I am growing back. I agree and mirror all y'all's thoughts. I plan to have more visibility in the future. I don't know where the more advanced Trans go off to.... nor am I really interested... I guess they go off to do the life they have always wanted and that is as it should be. I am seriously thinking of becoming more involved with Trans on a local level in an organization here.... I was where I moved from and we did some good as a group with the community. Thank you for the responses. I will end with the aforementioned thought, "Transitioning is not fun and games".... amen