I haven't posted in a very long time and saw with interest some believe maybe there has been a decline in posting.... but I too have had much help from those here and thanks to all whom have helped and listened. 2018 has been extremely difficult for me, because this year, and like most trans, I lost my marriage, my family, my home, half of all I have, my friends, my mother passed, voice surgery failed, FFS did not go well and so on. I was forced into an apartment before the first of this year, which after having a home for 40+ years was a shock.... I called it the 'crying place' because that is what I did there.... by myself, alone and lost.... all the joy of transition eclipsed by sadness, grief, guilt, regret and loss.... I did not handle it well... I had the end well planned.... they took preventive measures.... I'm glad they did.
I have been on HRT almost three years now, had an orkie last year in 2017, tried to turn back three times, purging, recommitting, all to save my marriage but could not do it, each time sliding back into who I really am... you can't put the genie back in the bottle. I begged my wife of 43 years to not divorce me repeatedly but she said she would not be married to a woman or be seen as being married to a woman... but after looking at things we were having trouble for the last 5 years and probably because of my dissatisfaction with whom I was trying to be for the first 60+ years.... I blame only me.... you cannot help how anyone else feels. And yes I have have had years of counseling and friends telling me I have a right to be me, I'm justified, deserving, I did right by all in my family and it was my turn, you have to be yourself.... and I want to believe it... I do... but I regret hurting all whom I love so very deeply.
But slowly, very slowly I have gotten better, and it's not all bad... I've had blessings.... thank you. I had the money to not be homeless. I was able to fully come out and transitioned in a little job at a hotel. A few in my extended family did not turn against me. I moved away from my Texas home of 60+ years, another extreme shock, to find a new home in Florida, where the people here seem much more accepting and open. I was able to join a Church that accepted me and I was able to return to worship. And best of all I met another trans woman who was lonely like myself and we have made a home together, bought a house, and started over.
I love who I am becoming. I can go out now as a woman who I always wanted to be, dreamed of, closeted as..... I go for my final surgeries in Canada in January and I can't believe it's finally happening. I'm in awe of what I have survived. I had no concept of the depth of pain and anguish of those who have gone before have experienced... or the joy, satisfaction and peace that is unfolding before me. The journey is astounding, the emotions undefinable, I'll be glad to leave 2018 behind, and so yes, there is an end in sight.... but then it's really a new beginning.
Thank you for listening or reading I should say. I just wanted to share... to encourage... to give hope... and to say don't give up... follow your heart. I hope each and everyone of you and yours has a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays as you celebrate them, and I wish you the best of things in the New Year.
tommie