A member on a sub-forum asked me recently if I had ever posted my back story. Well I guess I have in bits and pieces but I will do so at length here. Get some caffeine- you might need it.
I joined this site in May 2016 but it was a long journey to get here but arriving here was really the start in many ways.
Back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth when I was 5 yrs old I knew I wanted to be female. I remember doing a pretend sex change operation on my 3 yr old brother while riding in the back of the family car. (I told him in recent years and he said he was glad it was pretend)
Around age 9 or 10 I began trying on my Mom's clothes and makeup when I could sneak it. Soon I was babysitting for the neighbors on our block and I would wear the wife's makeup once the babies were asleep. Almost got caught once.
This continued and never went away.
I was attracted to girls and dated but at the same time I always wanted to be one. This is now the 1970s in the story and I would read everything I could. If I saw any story in any form about a man to woman I devoured it. There was a professional tennis player that was a transsexual named Renee Richards - I couldn't read enough. Then I researched one of the first doctors to work with transsexuals - Dr. Harry Benjamin. I would ride my bike to the library, this is pre-internet of course, but I would ride several miles to read these books.
I knew I wanted to be female.
When I started experimenting with masturbation I would envision myself as female. I would steal little items like my grandmother's fake eyelashes etc. In college I would use my roommate's girlfriend's makeup when they were away. Kind of got caught with that one time too. I stole my Mom's wig and took it to college with me.
After college once I had my own apartment I ordered things through the mail and then progressed to shopping at stores where I lived in Chicago that catered to crossdressers.
I got married and did not tell her of my secret - I never was going to tell anyone EVER. But I had my stash of clothes, heels, breast forms and makeup in a suitcase in the trunk of my car and when I would take business trips by car I would spend as much time as I could at the hotel dressed.
What I am trying to say is I was like many or most of you.
In early 2016 I went to a store in suburban Chicago that caters to crossdressers for many years that day changed my life.
I had been going there since 2005 although I lived in Mpls. I am originally from Chicago and visited family sometimes. I spent that weekend in 2005 for the first time en femme.
So anyway back to 2016 - I visit the store and am driving back to Mpls ( I had been divorced since 2009 for other reasons) and on my way back I stopped several times for gas etc. Each time I stopped the cashier said - 'you are the happiest customer I have seen all day'. Why ?? Because I had finally bought some women's clothing again.
I always knew I was transgender even before that was the word. It was easy to hide. I was attracted to women, had kids, did not act effeminately and was a 6'2" guy that had a good job and knew how to be everybody's buddy. Nobody knew or suspected.
So I am driving back happiest I had been in a long time and finally told myself -this is nuts - why am I not living the life I want to. The next day I contacted a transgender therapist and I began the journey of my life.
It was terrifying. Just going to the clinic at the U of MN in women's clothing scared me. And then venturing out to do errands like shopping. Then going to appointments. Then coming out to friends and family. I cried the first few times. I didn't want to be rejected. Everything was hard. But I found the courage.
I joined this website and made some friends. One of those friends told me the line I repeat over and over - the first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself. I thought that was the most amazing thing I ever heard.
Someone else told me that courage is not the lack of fear. It is being afraid of something but doing it anyway.
In the last 2 years I have done a lot. I had an orchiectomy, electrolysis, went on estrogen grew out my hair and colored it, changed my name legally, my driver's license, my birth certificate and I now live as an openly transgender woman.
I ABSOLUTELY NEVER thought I would do this. I was scared. I didn't want people to think I was a freak. I didn't want to be rejected or laughed at.
You know what none of that happened. I now work in a much different line of work. I was a national account manager for a major corporation. Now I am a professional poker dealer. ( I got downsized - before I came out as trans) I am face to face with over a 100 different people per night - most of them men. Was it tough? Yep. Am I glad I did it? Yep.
This is not a practice life. This is the one shot. I was going to take this secret to my grave but I am glad I didn't. Then I would be dead, my life would be over but I never lived as me. But at least nobody would have learned my secret. What sense does that make?
Use this site to figure things out. Should everyone transition? Absolutely not. But what everyone should do is live as their true self. Figure out who you are and then live it.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself.
Originally Posted by Tina June
Yeah it was pretty cool to learn that. There was Christine Jorgensen but that was before EVEN US.
. Thanks for your story.
Enjoy our new life and seek peace 
