I have been on E for 4 months. And t blockers for 1. Most days i feel great, but I am starting to feel dysphoric in new ways. I still present as male a lot just bc I have not gotten my own place and I have a few cosmetic goals (hair growth, voice therapy, etc) before making the full time move. I am finding that I don’t enjoy crossdressing much anymore. As In wearing a wig, shape wear and Tons of makeup. It just feels costumey and just as fake as my male persona. I’ve stopped caring about my male persona appearance. I still practice hygiene but i just blindly pull out a T-shirt and jeans and throw them on. I don’t trouble myself to shave much. It feels as though the meds are aligning my true self mentally and emotionally and disconnecting me even more from my body. Up til now I’ve always looked at my body like a truck. A nice enough truck that I drove everyday and even though I want a sports car I took pride in the truck. I was aware that eventually I’d trade the truck in and get a vehicle that suits me better, but the truck was fun In it’s own right. Now I just hate the truck. And I feel loke the sports car is as far away as ever. I don’t get hung up on “passing” or being a beauty queen. I am so impatient with small things tho. Like my hair growth. How long it’s takinf to train my voice. How long my finances are taking to come in to order so I can start making changes. I’m not in danger of any self harm, but life is really the pits right now. I stopped pretending to be this macho guy and I very naturally act pretty gender nuetral with fem tendencies and I can already see in social reactions that I’m less attractive to people. Not just physically. I think my dreariness shows and is a turn off to would be friends. I try to be upbeat but anymore i just can’t stomach pretending to be cheerful anymore than I can pretend to be a man.