changing people's perseptions

[Courtney_29]

I had a chance to maybe influence a co workers perseption today. somehow it got brought up at a morning meeting that a co workers teenaged nephew was caught crossdressing , and a few workers were condemning it a bit (what is this world coming to etc.) I felt a steering urge to come forth and say something along the lines of , "well you all have been working with and getting along with a cross dresser this whole time do you still want to talk bad about an adolescent that is simply exploring his feminine side, not hurting anybody ) but I choked under the pressure. I wanted to maybe change some people's minds or get them to possibly question (huh? maybe people who do this aren't so strange after all) I know it has risks but I've been working at this warehouse for 4 years now and am respected by many workers. anyone have a situation like this?

[Miss V]

I have a friend who makes fake puking noises whenever he sees a drag queen or crossdresser on TV. It's always irritated me, and I've always wanted to say something, but there is no way of knowing how people will react.

Part of me wonders if he's doing it just to appear macho in front of others, rather than actually being disgusted by it. I usually give him the "What are you doing?" look when he does it. But never have the courage to actually confront him.

I think you could try "What's wrong with that?". But it will probably just be answered with macho crap, so I dunno *Shrug*.

[Sidney]

Courtney, don't feel bad about not blurting out what you were thinking. Some will say you should have said what's on your mind. Some don't care what ANYONE thinks. You have your own job consideration and you probably made the right decision considering what the majority of the people seemed to be saying. Saying what you wanted probably wouldn't have change anyone's mind and could have cost you your job.

I have four grown children in their forties, two boys and two girls. I have told my two daughters and they are cool about it and even supportive of me. My youngest son has also been let in on my "secret", he said cool and we haven't talked about it sense. My other son, oldest of the four is mister macho and very homophobic. Why tell him and maybe destroy our otherwise relationship. I have asked his siblings if I should tell him and ther responses were a big NO. He cannot accept that and would destroy your relationship with him.

Guess what I'm saying is what many say here. Why tell someone who doesn't NEED to be told and run the risk of being outed or ruining an otherwise good relationship . If everything we do were accepted by everyone we wouldn't have to explain anything to anyone. Just as many have said when your going out dressed be careful and safe. Dont put yourself in harms way.

To put things in perspective not everyone needs to know and even if you told everyone, if they think what we do is wrong your not going to change a lot of minds. Everyone needs to make their own decisions and how those decisions will affect their own lives.

Unfortunately this is the reality.

Sidney

[Courtney_29]

yea I understand where you all are coming from for sure. it is a unnecessary risk most of the time. but I just felt bad for the young nephew who was bad mouthed by his own family member at work I just got super irritated.

[sometimes_miss]

Every so often, we get a patient in who's been in some type of accident while wearing some type of girly clothes, and the inevitable discussion among the staff (in private areas so they don't get caught being the rotten bigots that they are) about how silly the guy is for crossdressing. I've often brought up that they (the girls anyway) have worn their husband's shirts and thought nothing of it. When they of course giggle at that and say 'OH, but that's different!' I just say something along the lines of, 'No it's not, YOU'RE a transvestite! Do you like to parade around the house like that like a macho man pretending that you have a penis, too? You people really need to grow up. Get back to work.' Their faces usually drop. And yeah, seniority usually leaves me in charge of the department just about every time I work these days. So finally I CAN make a difference for all of my patients that like to bend the gender lines, without outing myself.

[NancySue]

Recently, a bunch of us..all guys, were talking about football, basketball, etc. One guy does outside activities a lot. He was asked if he ever got cold. He said..nah. What about your legs, one asked. Without hesitation he said no, I wear pantyhose, with his wife’s suggestion. There was a moment of silence. A couple remarks were made about crossdressing, when another guy, ex football player said he wore them too. And said..they should try them. Little did they know I was wearing my panties and thigh highs. I just smiled. I’ll never know if they did..bet they did. I believe many men wear hose, etc. I think it’s us who keep the hose industry going.

[Brocdol]

Ive been in that same position at work and i was going to "come out" in stead , self preservation, my response was to say that i dont have a problem if some dose CD its there life.
Are they hurting you or anybody by CD'ing?

It was then that other people stood up and said yeah i dont see a big problem with it.
And just like that the conversation changed from people noding there heads and agreeing to forming there own opinions.
The person that started the conversation soon became quiet.

Sometimes people are just like sheep, follow the crowd, till some stands up and says something different.

It also helps that i am a of a solid build and 6 foot tall. Noone would pick that i like to CD.

[Courtney_29]

wow you ladies are heroes in my book. anyone who stands up to these SOBs. if It ever gets brought up again in my department I'll try to diffuse the situation, respectfully of course. I just can't sit by with this stuff, it just doesn't feel right. especially when talk about Gender identity/fluidity, cross dressers, LGBTQ topics come up every so often in my department.always negatively though.

[JaclynL61]

A lot of sound advice has been given by all. As Sidney stated there is no need to out yourself, tell people who doesn't need to know or put your position at risk. When those types of comments are made at work, especially concerning co-workers, normally I respond with something like "how does that effect you?" or "how does that effect their ability to do their job?". Not really changing anyone's minds, but I do feel obligated to say something.

[Macey]

Honestly, I doubt I would've outed myself. But I certainly would've said something akin to "So what? Why can't the kid dress however makes him happy? Doesn't hurt anyone!"

[t-girlxsophie]

I always have interesting discussions a with fellow colleague,his views are a little right of centre,leads to some healthy debates between us.One night it turned to LGBT issues specifically Trans,and I found myself mounting a vigorous defence,he couldn't have missed the fact I was so knowlegable about the subject,not outing myself as such but still felt good defending our community

Sophie

[beckypanties]

Perhaps a discreet word with your HR department would be in order? Say that some of the workplace banter is making you feel uncomfortable. No need to be specific, or to point fingers, or to out yourself to anyone. HR can send out a gentle reminder that certain topics are off-limits in the workplace these days (for better or for worse).

[Rebekah_uk]

When the subject swings to LGBT bashing I will always vigorously defend them from the bigotry that is usually leveled at them.

As I also know in some small way that includes myself and could very well include my kids one day.

When my friend and former work colleague whom I admire for her honesty and bravery when she came out as her femme self.

She came out when I was on vacation.
(She doesn’t know about Rebekah, though I have thought about telling her)
When I was told by my then departmental boss

The first word out of my mouth was “and”

Then told him how I admired her for her bravery. Having the guts to say this is me and this is who I am.

[Tracii G]

Back in 2012 one of our whse workers was in the break room and another guy grabbed the guys phone and started going thru his pics.
I said somthinge to the effect hey ahole put his phone down thats not cool. He laughed and kept scrolling and found a pic of the employee dressed as a girl for Halloween.
Well this started an issue and I stepped in and grabbed the phone and gave it back to the owner.
I said here that ass has no business doing that.
Well the laughing continued from that table of guys that saw the pic and I said whats the big deal ?
Its none of your business anyway so stay off his phone.
The poor guy was embarrassed and I said Its OK I get it it was Halloween and your wife thought it would be a cute costume.Nothing wrong with that so screw them.
He said thanks for stepping in and showing those guys what jerks they are. He showed me the pics and I looked and didn't judge at all much to his amazement. The last pic was really good and he looked like it was more a glamor shot and I said I like this one and you look great.
He laughed and said I like that one too.
So he was pretty much out but no one bothered him about it after that.
There were two gay fellows that worked in the whse but they played around too much and got canned eventually because they couldn't keep up the minimum production standards.
I see them at a few of the gay clubs in town but I never talk to them.

[Aunt Kelly]

wow you ladies are heroes in my book. anyone who stands up to these SOBs. if It ever gets brought up again in my department I'll try to diffuse the situation, respectfully of course. I just can't sit by with this stuff, it just doesn't feel right. especially when talk about Gender identity/fluidity, cross dressers, LGBTQ topics come up every so often in my department.always negatively though.

It is a tough call. Advocating for those being denigrated invites questions as to your motivation. One thing might lead to another and suddenly, you're outed. It's a noble cause, but "is it worth it" is a perfectly valid question to ask yourself.

Sometimes, a sad, silent shake of the head sends the message.

[Becky Blue]

I think it depends on the circumstances and the people involved. I will always speak up to defend a Trans/CD person, but not if it would make anyone suspicious of my reasons. I have found that speaking up usually gets support from other people.

[Beverley Sims]

Change peoples views by sounding out in defence, but it is important never to blow your own cover, if you do that others will think you are just grandstanding to make a point for yourself.

[Brocdol]

Your right Aunt Kelly. No one wants to be outed.
But if we word our response's, dont speek in haste, to these kind of people and prject it in the right way. We might have the chance to make at least 1 person to change there opinion. And that can have a ripple effect to changing other peopls opinions.
Yeah shaking your head can show ur dissaproval. But a response such as " one of my cousin's/best freind is ......." can protect yousself but still get your opinion's heard.

[SaraLin]

I have a friend who makes fake puking noises whenever he sees a drag queen or crossdresser on TV. It's always irritated me, and I've always wanted to say something, but there is no way of knowing how people will react.

I tend to be quiet is group settings (I'm the wallflower type), but if I was with a 'friend' like this, I think I'd have to give a loud sigh and say "Oh, grow up already!" -or something such.


I have found myself saying something like "OK - so what? What harm is it doing us, and why should we care?" but it's rare.

Like I said, I mostly keep quiet.

[andreanna]

."somehow it got brought up at a morning meeting that a co workers teenaged nephew was caught crossdressing" ,,first thing that hit me is, Why is someone else's fami;y being brought up in a morning business meeting? Sort of sounds like a gossipy coffee klatch. If this was something that came up in a meeting that I had been at it would have been shut down immediately, since it surely had nothing to do with the business at hand.

[susan54]

It is not like that everywhere. I work in a very 'right on' environment and there are colleagues who are LBGT. Only one member of staff has ever made derogatory remarks and everyone thought she was horrible (and said so but perhaps not using that word). I feel comfortable defending freedom to dress as you wish without feeling I am effectively coming out. I wear opaque tights outdoors in very cold weather and though I do not tell people would not be alarmed if they were seen. But then I live in Scotland where we seem to have reached a stage of greater tolerance of variation than many other places.

[Krisi]

You are not going to change people's perceptions of crossdressers by outing yourself. It's not worth the risk, especially at work. Your responsibility is to you and your family. If they were beating this crossdresser up, yes, you should step in and defend him. Not because he is a crossdresser but because he is another human being. A conversation? Just stay out of it.

[Courtney_29]

I'm sorry but for me it's worth a little blowback stepping up to people who are being disrespectful. if nobody ever did that nothing would ever even have the chance to change. there is a time and place but for my situation it would've been fine to step in I just let nerves stop me. like some of you said I could interfere with a neutral standpoint.i just feel strongly about this I guess, it ruffled my feathers lol

[rhonda]

I guess the the world is evolving in opinions on a lot of things , if people start talking about crossdressing who knows where it will go

[biancabellelover]

If you’re wanting to challenge conversations like the one described by the OP without outing yourself, you need to plan.

Have you ever wondered why someone like a TV evangelist can answer any question challenging his or her beliefs? And do it instantly and effectively? The answer is years of practice. Belief is not enough. It’s because they’ve had the same questions thrown at them for years, and have various answers ready. The answer comes out so quickly and with a great delivery that the questioner (who is generally less prepared) struggles for a comeback.

In the absence of “years of practice” defending crossdressing to the general public, practice by yourself by being both sides of the conversation. Try coming up with “ignorant” questions and viewpoints and work out your own answers. Practice the answers until you’re happy with them. Work out how you can answer without outing yourself.

I used the above technique successfully in two careers. It doesn’t always work, but drastically reduced the amount of times
my response was “uh, erm...” and then thinking of an eloquent answer 5 minutes later.


For example, in the OP’s scenario you could have waited for a lull in the conversation and ask “Hey, I’m just playing devils advocate here, but what is the problem?” Then you could outline your points of view. You’ve already thought of several answers to potential responses, and (depending on the mood) your reply can include a question at the end to get that person on the defensive.

If asked “How do you know so much about it?”, again the rehearsed response is best. “I have a relative/friend/colleague who went through similar...”, or simply “I read a lot. Apart from reading about CD/trans issues, I’ve studied astronomy, history, economics, politics, to name a few. That mobile phone in your pocket is an encyclopaedia. Try using it as one instead of watching youtube or playing games!”

So you can see where I’m going with this. Rehearse your conversations.

Bear in mind that you’re unlikely to change the mind of your interlocutor, or anyone else present, but you can have your say, eloquently, and without outing yourself. And who knows, some of the others might nod silently with you as opposed to the other person.

Michelle