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Thread: Cold Shower

  1. #26
    Junior Member MsMargaret's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Olivia View Post
    Jeri Ann I'm kind of on the same track as you in that now two of my best friends seem to be rejecting me. The first rejection was from one of my best friends who is a psychiatrist. He was someone I confided in before even confiding in my parents and other close family members. I assumed, him being a psychiatrist - if anybody was going to accept me it would be him. How wrong I was. He has not spoken to me since I started living as Sara full time.
    Sara Olivia,

    I feel for ya. I've found that some long term friends you get comfortable with, because they're predictable and reliable. When you break that dynamic, it's really up to the person in question how they will respond. In my old high school group, everyone had their role, the leader, the planner, the aloof guy, the jock, and the weird one, and so on. I, of course, was the weird one, because I've always been more of a scatterbrain than one who organizes their thoughts. It's funny that in my current work environment, I've sort of integrated into the same archetypes, to a degree, but I digress.

    If you have decided you're breaking from your traditional "role", people can either embrace or reject you. If they embrace, that's great, but usually it's the rejection that causes the bigger response - people will often shame you in a weak attempt to force you back into the molded and "acceptable" form you once were, and I think that's what's going on with your close friends. Its terrible, and its really hurtful to you. I think the best approach here is to start distancing yourself from your friend. Let your wife continue her relationship with the spouse, and don't force yourself into the situation. If they truly want you in their lives, they will find a way to overcome this hatred of you becoming you. It'll hopefully start with an invitation and an apology.

    I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I hope it works out in your favor

  2. #27
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Living in the present
    A comment and a question from me.

    C: We all have the freedom to choose.
    Q: Who owns the problem?

    Your friends and fellow guests made choices, each individually, to refer to you as HE rather than SHE. That is their right. You made a choice NOT to correct them at the outset. Perhaps you ought to have. Perhaps you had other choices, which you put aside; for example, to leave the party

    So who now owns the problem? Probably not them. They have probably forgotten all about this matter. So you have to make a choice right now, which will define how you interact with them in the future.

    You could just laugh it off and resolve to react differently next time you are in a similar situation.

    Or you could just laugh it off and resolve not to interact with any of them again.

    Or you could challenge them, either individually or collectively and tell them how their behaviour offended you. This will force them into making choices; whether or not to apologize; whether or not to be more accepting of you in future.

    Or there may be other options for you to consider.

    I can't tell you, or even suggest to you, how to react. The choice is yours. Just remember this; their behaviour at the party is a reflection of them as human beings. They have to live with themselves for the rest of their lives. They have a big problem. That is not your problem.

    Take care!
    Have you ever noticed that all those in favour of abortion have already been born?
    "If we had never sinned, we could not have called Christ, Saviour!"
    There's just enough religion in the world to make men hate one another, but not enough to make them love one another...
    Louis Cyphre, Angel Heart

  3. #28
    Silver Member Stephanie Julianna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Prospect, CT
    I'm sorry to have to say this but your male neighbor/friend is a jerk! AND he is truly not a friend. It's obvious that he is trapped in his small world and you just have to let that relationship go. You have to remember all the wonderful family, friends and co-workers who have given you their love and acceptance. He is part of the growing minority of the future. You are a beautiful person because you have been your honest self for all to see. We all love you as well.

  4. #29
    Member Sara Olivia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Victoria, British Columbia
    I thought I would post an update. So its mid February now and I have yet to hear from my (now former) friends since that evening. I wrote them a fairly lengthy email explaining how the misgendering made me feel. I explained that I was not offended by old friends accidentally misgendering me and that I did not want people feeling like they were walking on egg shells around me. I did, however, draw the line with their neighbor whom I strongly felt was purposely trying to offend me. Six weeks of silence speak louder than words. I am now no longer interested in salvaging this friendship of thirty years. Its sad that in 2019 there is still so much stigma attached to people's gender identity when they fall outside of societal norms.

    Allie, I am so sorry to hear that you find yourself in a similar situation with your daughter. I am happy to read though that she appears to be becoming more accepting of you. I have every confidence that she will come around and one day your relationship with her will be as good or better than it ever was.

    Donnalee, you are right, waiting for an apology has not worked. One has not been forthcoming. That said, my own sense of dignity and pride will not permit me to confront him in order to try and get our friendship back on track. As far as I'm concerned he has lost a good friend.

    Tommie, my wife was not sure how to respond that evening, for that matter neither did I. Neither of us wanted to create a scene or a confrontation. That said, in future we will both be more assertive and take the person aside to make sure that they understand that I'm not ok being referred to with male pronouns or by my old name.

    Margaret - wise words. I've pretty much told my wife that she and my friends spouse should continue their friendship while the friendship between myself and my former friend appears over. The overriding truth is that now that I am living fulltime as Sara I am finding myself developing new friendships with women while my male friendships seem to be withering somewhat. Women at work and women I'm in contact with in my life seem to be accepting me as one of them and are becoming real friends who invite me to join them for coffee and other social events. I think its just a natural shift from when I had predominantly male friends to now where I am starting to develop friendships more with other women.

    GaleWarning I love that avatar name by the way though it foreshadows that your comments might indicate rough seas ahead. You are right, choices were made and I do believe theirs was a reflection of them as human beings. I am reminded of high school where at the time I noticed that the troublemakers in my school were mostly kids who seemed the most insecure in who they were. When a new kid came to school these classmates would be right there picking fights with the new kid. Perhaps similarly the people most threatened by our gender identity are those who are insecure in their own. Just a theory.

    Stephanie, thank you, what a kind and great way to sum it up. Hopefully some day he will come to realize that the world is changing and his views are no longer the norm. And when all is said and done you are right, I am very lucky because even without him I do have a wonderful family, wonderful friends and colleagues who have made very clear their acceptance of the new me. Let me not forget the many great women I've met here on this very site. Women who have supported me over the years with encouraging comments and helpful advice, women who helped me with decisions in my life by being brave enough to put their lives and concerns online for all to see and to learn from. Also, just a week ago, I heard from an old classmate and friend whom I hadn't spoken with in thirty years. She had heard from a mutual friend of my transition and took it upon herself to phone me and had nothing but kind words for me and my decision to transition. So while I am losing some friends I am also gaining new friends and unexpectedly re-connecting with other old friends.

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