Happy Medium?

[nikki2014]

Happy New Year to all. This year is going to be a very prosperous year for you, me, and all.

I have a question for all and I'm looking for suggestions and ideas. Here's a bit of background. I've been quite absent from the forum as I've been working with a counselor and my wife. Through many sessions and lots of talking my wife finally understands, for the most part, of what I have and am going through. My wife and I have had some really good conversations and we've made huge positive progress. As we all know us crossdressers have a constant internal battle. That battle of dressing, not dressing, the irritability, the struggle, etc. My wife even asked me if I wanted to take hormones. But after having a long conversation about it we both agreed that with all of our 6 kids, ages 9 to 25, and because of our lifestyle with sports, school, work, social life etc. that hormones is not really an option, at least not right now. But she knows and I know that I need to find some happy medium without going to that far of an extreme is something that I'm searching for and need. She has also asked I know you have people you know and talk to, what do they do? How do they cope. My answer was that they dress at home when they can. Some go out in public dressed on shopping trips. Some get together with other and have girl weekends or trips. But she also asked how do they do it when they have to go to work? How do they do it when they are around other people? Well I've told her and we've talked about it that underdressing is an option and so on. She says yes but I know the struggle is always there and how do you cope with that? I said let me ask the counselor and let me reach out to the forum and see what others have done.

So my question is to you all, what have you done or do that helps you out? Are there hormones that help without making a huge noticeable difference? Is a T-blocker enough and an option? Is an orchiectomy an option? Is just getting away for a weekend enough? Dressing at home enough? What are some things that help you through your everyday life? Just some suggestions and idea responses are appreciated.

Thanks, Nikki

[kimdl93]

I would advise not to get to far ahead of yourself. The discussion of hormones and surgical interventions belongs in a later and more definitive stage, if you ever reach it. For now, it seems some outlet may be appropriate to relieve a degree of emotional distress and to test the waters for your own personal comfort level and that of your wife.

[Patience]

Most crossdressers would find an orchiectomy a bit of a drastic move.

Do you identify as transexual? Are you considering transitioning? Knowing your ultimate goal, if you have one, would probably help folks give you better answers.

Glad your wife is amenable to your dressing. Others here are not so lucky.

[Beverley Sims]

I feel that you should keep discussions with your wife on going and go through all the questions carefully.

Hormones and other medications are not really an option unless there is a more serious psychological problem.

In that case, SEE YOUR DOCTOR.

You will be advised as to what options you have and if therapy is another option.

Having a wife you can communicate with is a bonus and do keep this line open.

You do mention a counselor so that is also someone you should talk to.

Even show them your post, that way they can help evaluate any problem.

[Teri Ray]

Hi Nikki,

I agree with others here that medications, and surgery options are likely premature measures for you and your wife to consider. However the fact that you and your wife are talking is very good, and probably the best option for you both to deal with the issue of your desire to dress. I can tell you that for my wife and me open and honest discussion were the best therapy. We cleared up many misconceptions between us about dressing. My wife even began to read threads on this site. I believe her doing so helped her understand that we (my wife and I ) were not the only ones dealing with these issues. There are many different opinions on common crossdressing subjects discussed here and those varying opinions and thoughts helped improve open discussion between my wife and I. Be sure that our discussions were awkward and uncomfortable at times but always beneficial. Actually learning each others feelings and needs helped my wife and I find boundaries that appear to work for us.

My wife has also met and talked to wives of other crossdressers which may also have helped to improve her understanding. Each family has their unique dynamics so there is no blanket answer that fits all, except to keep open and honest conversation going.

Best wishes for you both.

[Nikki A.]

Every one is different and must find their own path to happiness. Personally I would say start slowly, dress at home if and when possible and see how that feels and then progress from there. This is a marathon, not a sprint, take your time and enjoy it and keep the wife on board also.

[Laura912]

Remember that the tortoise won the race.

[Danielle_cder]

Surgery/hormones is a huge step! More than most crossdresser want to take. For me a pair of panties under my male stuff allows me to still feel connected to my other side, along with breastforms to bed. If I can just wear those items it takes the urge/desperate need get fully dressed up off a bit. Even then I still need to get fully dressed about 2x a month to make the urge go away. I don’t know if this really helps or answers your question.

[Joyce Swindell]

Not knowing your current spot in all of this. You've been out? You pass, don't pass?
So .... build some consistency wherever you are in your quest. What maximum time is allowed by your relationship to be dressed? Ask yourself what will satisfy this for you?
As a young adult I long term felt I would transition after my daughter was out on her own. So much life happens, things change and goals change.
I did what I could, when I could. I devorced and remarried.... didn't see that one coming! Finally last year I went to the SCC conference and went full time Joyce. Years of leading up to the event of hopes and dreams finally realized! Afterwards I had had no desire to be anywhere near as female as before. It has taken me months to get a true desire to be out in female. We're going to the local group meeting this weekend...and looking forward to it.

[Tracii G]

Not all have internal struggles I think you have been listening to too many people that generally have other issues with family that they are not revealing.
You are putting the cart before the horse and again your choices you spoke of are the classic insertion that drugs/ hormones are the answer to problems.
Surgery??? at your stage Why? again you are getting too far ahead of yourself.
Just to let you know some that have had both top and bottom surgeries still have issues so even that isn't always the answer.

[Aunt Kelly]

I agree with Kim and the others who have suggested that you set aside plans for HRT and surgery, for now. That kind of intervention is for the treatment of transsexuals. Unless/until you've come to that point, it is unwise to consider dangerous treatments that can have permanent effects on you. Yes, there are those here who pursue HRT for ...other reasons. Don't even consider that unless your aim is transition.

You have reached a point of understanding and accommodation with your spouse. Take time to explore your needs and what it takes to satisfy those needs, within limits you both are comfortable with. If things need to go further, deal with that, but now is the time you should be sorting things out, not running headlong to a destination that may not be right for you.

[Tracii G]

I think in this case the internet has put too many ideas in your head and you are really confused and don't know what you want or what you really need.
Its like you are running 100 miles an hour at night with your headlights turned off.

[Cassandra Lynn]

I think most of the replies have answered your questions, but I must say i am a bit confused...

You say in the earlier part of your post that, " that hormones is not really an option, at least not right now", yet you ask if t-blockers and an orchie are an option.
I'm no expert on all things HRT, but I do believe those are parts of an HRT program.

Allow the continued counseling and working with your wife to be your primary concern for now.
Cass

[Tracii G]

I saw that too Cass and was "where did that though come from" and why would you do that if you aren't transitioning?

OK what gets me thru my everyday life is I just be myself.
You don't have to conform or do things everyone else does just do what works for you.
Use your common sense and you and your wife do what makes you both happy.
Come to a compromise on everything or be on the same page so to speak.
We may have opinions but in the end its not up to us to tell you what to do that up to you.
Life isn't easy and it never has been so you do whats best for you.
One point is don't make your entire relationship about you and your CDing or your trangender ness.
A solid relationship takes two people and lots of give and take.

[sometimes_miss]

I've lived much of my life, looking at male clothes as my 'man uniform' that I have to wear in order to work or do chores (shop, work outside the house, etc., everything that I have to do that I can't do indoors dressed in cute girl clothes).
After all, lots of people need to wear a specific uniform to go to work, and of course, we often need to wear certain things to do work around the house (old clothes to clean, work on the car, warm long pants and coat & Hat to shovel snow, etc.).
So I wear my 'man uniform' whenever I have to, but change back to girl things whenever I can.

[t-girlxsophie]

I get by happilly on the most part with continued support from my Wife and stepsons,and with a wide circle of like minded friends,and others who are cool with my femme side.Theres a major stone in the road sadly but this isn't the time to delve into that.I've no plans to go thru medical treatments or hormones my balance of life is pretty steady and sure

Sophie

[GretchenM]

I agree with others that you are getting way ahead of yourself in thinking about using the more transitional treatments of hormones and surgeries. I wonder how long you have been out to your wife, but if this is a fairly new revelation (less than a year) there is a tendency to dive into the deep end of the pool thinking that is where you are headed anyway. I did that and really got messed up in my thinking until I realized that although that might be the final result it requires a long development process. Six years down the road down I rarely even think about transition and have found a stable trans behavior and expression pattern that is a very mild blend of masculine and feminine. It satisfies me, but for others it would not be nearly enough.

We are all different, as others have said, and the stable point is different for everyone. You need to explore a lot more of the different forms of transgenderism as well as, and perhaps most importantly, the form of transgenderism your brain is configured for. That takes exploration and experimentation and discovery of side canyons that end up being, "well, that was interesting, but it isn't me and it didn't really go anywhere." It is wonderful that you two are seeking help and trying to find a solution, but please don't get caught up in finding quick solutions that can turn out to be a disaster. Continue talking and sharing. You will know when you come across the behavior and expression pattern that is consistent with your wiring. The road suddenly gets pretty smooth and that sense of a "constant internal battle" pretty much goes away. It may come soon or it may take a few years, but it will come. For me I ended up with the initial self-assessment being the correct place, but the only way I could get to that was to explore alternatives to that blend of gender characteristics. I wish you the best of luck and you are very lucky to have a loving and supportive wife. That makes a huge difference. Listen to her perspective carefully. It is not just about you; it is about the two of you.