Dealing With Male Attention...

[Patience]

I guess there comes a time in every type of female's life where she has to come to terms with the fact that, for better or worse, she might be considered attractive by some type of male; and that being attractive can have consequences.

As most of you know, I've only been going out dressed for the past six months. Over that period of time, I am happy to say I've made some good progress (with considerable help from the ladies here, btw). I've had a couple makeovers (third one later this month) and am slowly gaining some confidence in my makeup skills, such as they are. Add that to my expanding wardrobe and other bits and pieces falling into place here and there, I have to accept the fact that I may end up looking somewhat attractive. In fact, I'm getting the occasional ogle and fella hovering about me already.

Let me be clear: I dress to express my femininity. Other men's feelings don't really come into consideration when I dress, but at the same time, as the saying goes, for every action there is a reaction. Thing is, I have no idea where this is going or what to expect, and because I realize others might interpret my dressing quite differently, I'm beginning to feel a bit concerned (dare I say vulnerable?).

So ladies, do you have any insights into dealing with male attention, in general? Any experiences that stand out, good or bad?

Thanks...

[Diane Taylor]

Over the years, I've had many instances when there was male attention directed my way. Some of it was simply a hello or someone holding the door for me. A few times it was the negative or even creepy type. One example of the creepy type was when I had gone clothes shopping and as I was heading toward my car a family of 4 was walking toward the store. I noticed the "male" started to lag behind the others and once he was far enough behind that his wife and kids couldn't see him he leaned over to me just as I was about to pass him and his reaction to me was "OoH ! Baby !!! I really like you ! I just kept walking but was tempted to turn around and let his wife know what her husband just did. On a few occasions when I had gone out dressed to a pub for a drink (not the sleazy kind) I've had men offer to buy me a drink which I always politely refused. No matter what the male responses were I always considered it as "part of the territory" and it didn't bother me.

[Judy-Somthing]

Forty something years ago when I went out with friends it was fun and not a problem.
But when I would venture out late by myself I was harassed on three separate occasions
Twice very persistent men tried talking me into their cars and once I was chased by a group of older teenagers.
My wife won't dress to fem because of some things guy have yelled out to her over the years.

[nikkiwindsor]

As I've previously posted I've only been out a few times to LGBTQ friendly bars during Halloween holidays. Each time I was approached by men and each situation was different from down-right creepy to great dancing to great conversation. I'm not into men but I enjoy people. I would say to be cautious when approached by any strangers. I always felt particularly anxious when walking to/from the clubs from my car. I made sure there was plenty of lighting and other people around. Dressing en femme has given me a true understanding about how my wife feels going out in public at night. You really need to have friends with you, particularly at night, when your presenting your femininity.

[Cheshire girl]

If you look attractive you will get the same sort of attention as any woman. I don't want to attract men but it's nice to be considered attractive when dressed.

[Eemz]

It happened to me tonight. I am literally just home, still dressed (it's midnight here). I decided to break the taboo of going out in my home town with a mini pub-crawl of 6 pubs in the city centre (if alcohol-free beer counts as a pub crawl). I have gotten a lot more confident in my presentation and makeup lately, a bit like Patience, and I'm also very happy and smiley all the time now that I'm "out" to my immediate family and therefore have much less to lose if I'm spotted. Anyway, I'm doing something right because for the second time in two weeks, at the end of the night some guy started hitting on me. It was a noisy pub so I made a strategic exit before he heard too much of my voice. It was nice though. Well this week anyway. Last week's was a bit sleazy.

[Veronica4me]

My advice would be to deal with the attention graciously, smile politely, nod gently, and look away without another glance, whether you are dressed or in drab. Best not to ignore the attention, but to signal clearly that it is misdirected at you. My two cents.

[TheHiddenMe]

If I received male attention on a regular basis, I think I'd be flattered. I am not in those situations very often so I really don't know how I would react.

I know there are admirers out there--likely several or more on this board--but we all have our own unique issues (who am I to criticize an admirer when I go against the grain by wanting to present as a female?).

But there is another issue, aptly put by Courtney Barnett in her song "Nameless, Faceless".

I wanna walk through the park in the dark
Men are scared that women will laugh at them
I wanna walk through the park in the dark
Women are scared that men will kill them…

If you are out presenting female, you are more likely to get unwanted negative attention from men than if you were presenting male.

So is the attention flattering (and harmless), or potentially harmful?

[Tracii G]

Please don't fall into that victim mentality.
If you feel vulnerable don't show it because guys sense that.
I have had my share or oogles and hey baby lets get to know each other types letting me know what they had in mind.
I don't enjoy it at all but it goes with the territory and you have to deal with it.
Going out with friends is always a safer way to be out. Better yet don't go to areas where you are likely to be subjected to things like that

[ReineD]

If you enjoy the attention, show your appreciation by saying thank you. If you don’t, tell him you’re not interested. Really, it’s no different than a married man dealing with a woman who is flirting with him. He can encourage it or politely let her know that he is not interested.

One thing to keep in mind though. There are guys who are specifically into men who dress like women. My guess is, they perceive that a guy will dress as a woman for sexual reasons and because of this, the guys who dress are more apt to "play" than random women or random guys who don’t dress. The guy Diane Taylor described seems to fall into this category - I don't imagine he behaves like this with every GG he sees, especially with his wife and children nearby. I saw evidence of this when my SO and I used to go to trans/alt clubs. As soon as the "admirers" (the male patrons) figured out I was a GG, they’d make their excuses and walk away. lol

[Patience]

One thing to keep in mind though. There are guys who are specifically into men who dress like women.

Thank you, Reine. I was thinking about them when I started this thread, but didn't want to single them out. I wouldn't mind humoring them (or any other man, for that matter) to a point, as long as boundaries are observed by all parties involved.

I have to admit sometimes I hate being so alluring. It's a curse, It really is.

Thank you all for your replies.

[Micki_Finn]

Unless you’re going to bars or clubs or some other similar “social” venue, you won’t get hit on nearly as much as you think you will. If you really want to deflect male attention just keep a ring on your left ring finger and point to it and tell the gents you’re taken.

[Periwinkle]

The only person who shows me any romantic attention is my boyfriend. Aside from that, I just get complements on my outfits from girls. In fact, the only time men have approached me while dressed, they were Mormon missionaries. They were nice, though!

[Beverley Sims]

When I was young and single I would act friendly and engage in conversation with others in a group.

They rarely knew my true gender.

Mind you neither did I sometimes. :-)

[docrobbysherry]

I DO get hit on! Without a mask on I'm always amazed, because I do nothing for me unmasked!

Last nite a tall brutish looking guy asked me if I was leaving when I walked outside Mary's club to get some air and chat with folks outside so I could hear what whoever was out there said!

I told him, "No, I'll be back." If he had been there when I came back in I would have told him I wasn't interested!

I think what Reine said is quite relevant. If u say anything nice about their attention they will push on. U need to be very clear you're NOT INTERESTED if u want them to leave u alone.
This is VERY IMPORTANT if you're alone and/or in a vulnerable position!

[Jenny22]

Micki Finn is spot on. The few times I've been out, I always wore matched engagement/wedding rings. I did it to try to add some authenticity to my femininity and also I could show them to any man coming on to me.

[DeeDeeB]

In both male and female appearance, I've been hit on by men and women. My attitude remains the same. If I am not interested, I politely say no thank you (but with that caveat, I may accept the drink). Always remember the decision is yours. If you feel threatened, then alert the bartender, 911 or what ever else you would be appropriate for the situation. Do keep in mind that as trans folk we are the #1 target of hate crimes. So always be careful where you go and having a few friends around always helps. But I can say I honestly haven't met someone who didn't take no as an answer.

Be out, but be safe.

DeeDee

[prene]

I love dressing and being feminine. It is nice to be complemented by both males and females.

If I was dressed very sexy and curvy I did get the nasty/naughty comments from guys. I dress now still feminine but more of a girl next door look and 90% of the bad comments have ended.

It can be confusing.

[elizabethjonescd]

I have had a few experiences being out dressed and having to deal with a guy. I consider myself non passable but look pretty nice all dressed up. I find some guys are very polite but once they realize I’m a CD it seems to change their attitude and some become much more forward and assume that i’m looking for more. On th positive side there have been some very nice guys too that were polite and nice

[Ceera]

When I first started going out, about four and a half years ago, I started with LGBTQ clubs, at night. I figured that at least there, I would not get severe negative reactions from some drunk, straight guy who suddenly realized I was not born female! And I didn’t care if I got some male attention, as long as they accepted that I was just there to dance and have a few drinks.

I got offers for dances and offers to buy me a drink from both men and women. Most of them were respectful and polite. But a few guys did get too ’hands on’, and I simply stepped back and told them, “Sorry, that is going too far. If you want more than a dance partner, look elsewhere.” They usually accepted that. I also made a point of getting to know the bartenders and other staff, so I could request help if I needed it.

I definitely encountered a few guys there who swore they “considered themselves to be straight”, but who also admitted they found a cross-dressed guy attractive. Best advice there is to set clear limits on expectations. If you are not interested at all, say so, decisively. Don’t act like you might be persuaded otherwise. Never act like a fearful potential victim.

Out in the general community, away from the nightclub venues, most of the ‘male attention’ was confined to gazes from a distance. By that point, I could pass pretty well, even through a long conversation. Sometimes a guy will chat me up at a straight bar. I usually keep it polite, but make it clear my attentions are directed elsewhere... perhaps towards a female bartender. If they think I am a lesbian, that doesn’t bother me. In fact, I went out of my way to befriend several lesbian ladies, and found them surprisingly accepting and supportive.

Again, if you can, try to get to know the staff at the places you frequent. They don’t want to see customers harassed, and can be good allies if someone gets too pushy. Same goes for getting to know other regular patrons. You might only see each other at those venues, but a friendly face you can turn to is very good to have.

[t-girlxsophie]

I certainly don't dress to garner male attention,but I would be lying if I said I wasn't flattered when it happens,I've never felt harassed at all and if they expect anything more from me they are politely told not interested.Ive not encountered any trouble

Sophie

Sophir

[MonicaPVD]

This thread is a study in male privilege. Women have been harassed for their looks since the beginning of time. They deal with it. Every. Single. Day. The more physically attractive they are, the worse it is. Good luck to you!

[Rochal Tukque]

You have to stop and think about where going. Then you need to really search your heart why your going. Is there some deep underlying motive your not dealing with. Are the people going where your going shopping for groceries or are they looking for something else and where your going and their going is the place commonly known to find it? Would your mother go there? Not to say it doesn't happen in the day light of doing everyday things but its rare.

[Samantha2015]

In my limited outings (mainly to LGBT bars) I've never really had any bad encounters with men.
Many gay men have complimented me on the dress I was wearing or my shoes and have generally been very nice.
But they are not looking for CD's and I'm not looking for any men so everything has been fine.

During the SCC conference a few of us were at a mainstream bar/restaurant near the hotel. We were at the bar
and I had my barstool turned to my right to face the other gals I was with. This young fellow came up to the bar
on my left and started a conversation with me, he had only seen me from the back (long hair, magenta dress and heels)
I could tell he was a little surprised by my deep voice and our conversation didn't last long, he quickly bailed and joined
some other friends he was with. He was perfectly polite but I had a laugh thinking about it later.

I would say what others have said, go out with a group if possible. Safety in numbers. Going out by myself is not
something I have wanted to try. Much more fun to be out with friends anyway.
Stay safe

[Mickitv]

Being a bisexual I really don't mind the attention I receive from men when I am dressed. When dressed I always feel so much feminine and I just love the feeling.