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Thread: Why the uneasy feeling

  1. #1
    New Member Dontknowy's Avatar
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    Oct 2018

    Why the uneasy feeling

    My wife has been VERY accepting, even encouraging. I'm 43, and just told her in October I wanted to dress, but had never done it. Instantly she started buying me cloths, panties, leggings, skirts, dresses, tops, shoes, makeup, wigs, the works. She told me prior to me even coming out that she wanted me to shave EVERYRHING except my face, and only occasionally my chest. I have an AMAZING wardrobe right now. Here's the problem, she doesnt care if I underdress every day, and doesnt care how much I dress, as long as I dont lose the "male" me she fell in love with. I dont have a desire to dress daily, so that's not a problem. My problem is as much as I LOVE the feeling of dressing, I am riddled with guilt, embarrassment, confusion, and even disgust about why i want to do this. I'm a disabled veteran with mental health issues, so i see a psychologist and she encourages me to dress and embrace it, but no matter how much she and i or the wife and I talk about it, i just cant seem to get over the mental hump of actually let loose. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    Oct 2018
    United States, East Coast
    Easy for me to say this, harder for you to do it … let loose. You're bound up inside, I think. Dressing won't cure it. But anything that helps you reach these things inside is a help. There is a path to understanding mental issues, everyone's is different, I think. Maybe dressing won't help … or maybe it will. Regardless, if the desire is within you, you should try it. Try it safely in the privacy of your own home. If you feel ashamed, ask your very understanding wife to give you the private time to explore it on your terms. Talk to her about it before and after. Talk to your therapist before and after. Talk to us if you like, but keep talking, keep thinking, and most of all allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Jul 2018
    It may be too much all at once. Your mind is overwhelmed with all this stuff that you really don't know anything about.

    Maybe if you go slow and and find a pair of panties that you really like that would help.

    It may also be a control issue. If you are disabled you end up letting others make decisions for you.
    Choosing your clothes can help you gain some of that back.

  4. #4
    Banned Read only
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    Aug 2010
    Virginia Beach, Va.
    Maid second sentence is good advise. Just add one piece of clothing ever so often in front of your wife and it will eventually become comfortable.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    Jan 2012
    East coast
    Trying one thing at a time till you become comfortable with it might allow you to reach a point where you have less guilt. Sort of like learning to swim. We begin in the shallow end to get comfortable in the water, and, once the basic strokes are learned, go swim in the oceans.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    A lot of us have been through that uneasiness. I love the advice that has been posted so far .

    I also can't praise highly enough what your wife has done. Using her knowledge of all these products, she has bought you everything you need, and then she has stepped back to give you space to go at your own comfort.

    Amazing!! :') .

    - Lydianne.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Nov 2011
    Lowestoft UK. Beverley was here.
    It takes time but try to loosen up and go with the advice given.
    I think you would be better for it.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  8. #8
    Member Nyla F's Avatar
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    Apr 2013
    Midwest USA
    I’ve been crossdressing a long time and still have feelings of guilt and shame, and sometimes disgust, although not as bad as it used to be. In the beginning crossdressing was something that I tried to suppress, partly because I knew my wife didn’t approve, and partly because I felt like it made me a pervert. Nowadays there is a little more acceptance in society of the LGBTQ community and forums like this make me feel less alone. This has allowed me to accept who I am. I opened up with my wife about my crossdressing but she still doesn’t like it and prefers not to know about it, so I still feel guilt about the friction this causes between us. You are very fortunate not to have this problem.

    The self acceptance will take time. You have to undo a lifetime of conditioning about what it means to be a man. It also takes time to create a new sense of self, your identity, which embraces this new part of you. You are very fortunate to have both a wife and psychologist to talk to. The turning point for me happened when I had a therapist to talk this through with.

  9. #9
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    We all have portions of that guilt and shame in our history.
    It is natural for you to feel this, especially since this is all so new to you.

    My wife is extremely supportive as well. I have a wardrobe I could only have dreamed of when I was younger. I have the freedom to dress, when, how and where I wish and I love it. Still, there are times when I fear that I'm taking too much for me and giving too little to her. I suppose this will never completely go away, I just hope it will.

    Tell her of your feelings. Communication is the one thing that can help. Don't hide it from her as she is so supportive. Let her in completely and remember the old saying, "A burden shared is half a burden ..."
    Can you see the REAL Me?

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    The South
    Keep remembering that the feelings of guilt, embarrassment and disgust come from what you perceive society to think about cross dressing. They are externally imposed on you.
    You are a OK. Keep saying that to yourself but most of all talk this over with your psychologist and your wife. Let your feelings come out and don't repress them. Only then can you delve into these issues and finally deal with them.
    Also you are very fortunate in having a supportive spouse and a psychologist who is on your side. Don't overthink things and let your feelings out.
    Have you or your support group thought about joining a cross dressers group. You would have to be careful of which group you choose but being with other cross dressers who are comfortable and happy with their cross dressing may help you in the process of dealing with these thoughts. Perhaps you could discuss this with your psychologist.

  11. #11
    Junior Member vplshowoff's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    I suffer from depression due to chronic pain. My mood is boosted a bit whenever I dress. I'm certain your psychologist tells you that you need to grab every little bit of enjoyment you can. So, take baby steps until you get fully dressed in an outfit and you may find some enjoyment. Take care.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Midlands UK

    You've taken the name of Dontknowy and I'll let you in on a little secret. Nearly everyone here doesn't know why they dress. They know how it makes them feel, they know the enjoyment, liberation even that they feel, but very few truly know why.

    As has already been said, your guilt is a product of how society and especially organisations such as the military, viewed people like us, certainly in the past. Society is changing, acceptance is far wider. That still doesn't dispel those doubts many feel.

    Have you asked your SO how she feels about seeing you fully dressed? She obviously has reservations given the restriction on face shaving but that's not uncommon. I would suggest asking her if deep down she has worries about you ultimately wishing to Trans. You may need to reassure her that you're the same person regardless of what you're wearing.

    As for overcoming these feeling of doubt in yourself. Ultimately it I suppose comes down to courage of conviction and having self belief. You can see from here that you're not alone, not a freak, part of a big community .
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    One thing you may want to try and before I go any further, I don't know how practical this would be.

    Since your wife has bought you lots of things. Why don't you ask her to help you but in a slightly different way.

    You could try getting dressed together on a morning when you have plenty of time. she can help you choose which items to wear as she is choosing her own. It may make you a little more comfortable doing that

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  14. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    Welcome to the forum. I am a disabled combat vet. I think being a vet does not help the situation. For whatever period of time you were in service you were subjected to an all masculine lifestyle. Follow orders! Endure pain! Man up for your buddies! It's hard to through away those feelings. And, then to start going down the road to something totally different than what was ever expected of you is enough to shake any man's foundations. If your wife is aware and participates in your counseling I suspect she is totally on board with your dressing because it may help resolving those issues which brought you to counseling.

    It sounds as if your wife may be feeding you too much 'medicine' thinking more and more feminine clothing will help readjustment issues. Too much, too soon? Perhaps making some association between dressing and pleasure would lessen the conflict you feel. Before my wife and I entered our 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' phase of your long term marriage on those occasions when "I" wanted I slept in sexy nightgowns and hosiery. There was tenderness involved. And, great benefit to both. I did not overwhelm my senses and needs with an accelerated pace. Perhaps a sensuous nightgown is sufficient at this time to fill your needs rather than a full en femme experience. If you look at it from the perspective of one or two articles of clothing enhancing an experience rather than losing your total male identity when looking in a mirror the wall will slowly crumble.

    If you have a rock solid marriage and supportive wife, nobody else needs to know of your and your wife's secret desires.

  15. #15
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Between here and there but mostly here close to the donuts.
    Sounds like you need to just relax and do as much or as little as you feel that day.
    Remember dressing is not illegal,immoral or fattening and if you do it in the confines of your house you are doing nothing wrong.Essentially nothing to be guilty about.
    Your wife understands that and it sounds like a very loving thing she did getting you everything.That was given out of love so remember that.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.
    Expert plumpologist

  16. #16
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    Jun 2008
    Wow lots of great perspective provided here. Welcome to the forum and the excellent people here. I cannot add much more to what has been provided. I agree with the need to keep your communication with your wife open and honest. I especially found Sephanie47's perspective interesting. As for feeling guilt and shame all I can add is it is likely the most common feeling among all of us. Trying to understand why we feel this desire is the holy grail that most of us never find. I believe, with time, we typically come to accept that we are who we are despite not understanding why and make our peace with the feelings.

    Best wishes to you and your wife. Slow, steady and honest is a good path.
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  17. #17
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    Jul 2011
    I can sympathize. I've had similar feelings. It has to do with duty. I'm a veteran myself, and I've always had a strong sense of duty: you have to do what's right, even if it's unpleasant. I find dressing in male mode to be unpleasant, but I do so at times because it's my duty. I find female mode to be infinitely more pleasant, but is it right to feel this good? Am I doing right by others when I wear female clothing? Or am I just being self-indulgent? There's no quick fix for this.

    One way I am able to combat these feelings is to force myself to dress fully en femme every day, even though I don't feel like it. Usually I feel like it, but when I've forced myself, I've never regretted doing so. Quite the contrary, in fact. (For me, fully en femme is dress or skirt, bra, breast forms, wig, female shoes, and lipstick. Usually with stockings or pantyhose.) I also check myself out in a full length mirror, and tell myself, "This is how I'm supposed to look."

    To a degree, it's self-indulgent, but it's much easier to be kind and pleasant to others when you're doing something to make yourself feel good. Your wife supports you. Reward her by being her best girlfriend, and a great husband.

  18. #18
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Aug 2016
    Southern California
    Well, why DO you dress? There are plenty of girls here that dress just for the sexual thrill. Others dress because they feel they need to in order to fully express who they are. One of these is more embarrassing to admit than the other (doesn’t mean it’s “wrong”, just not a topic for polite society.

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Jul 2018
    I find that shopping for women's clothes and wearing them to be a very effective way to help my mental health with very few side effects. Less impact on my wallet than a professional therapist.

  20. #20
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
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    Nov 2012
    Welcome to the Forum! She may have always wanted a smooth man, if she suggested shaving your body in the past. As to being very accepting, she may be the rare woman who does like it. Or, with your mental health issues, she may have seen them go away when you are dressed. Do you think that is possible? You are happier, less depressed, less angry, whatever - than when not dressed. If so, she is doing it to have a better partner and the outer appearance is not important. Your mental hump of letting loose - also know as getting lost in the pink fog - is a common concern. You wonder you will like it too much and become addicted and possibly lose your wife. So, the solution is to let her have her way and let her guide you and let her know you trust her to keep you safe from getting lost. You will only do what she asks. If anything becomes too much for her, then let her back it off. Then both of you win. Love her enough to tell her you trust her, and will do what she wants, including stopping if she needs a break.
    I think that may help you and bind the two of your even closer.
    Hugs, Ellen

  21. #21
    Member Kas's Avatar
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    Oct 2017
    Happened to me too. Keep doing it and you’ll get over that feeling. They’re just clothes.

  22. #22
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Apr 2006
    Midwest U.S.
    I know that i have had great mental conflict over wearing clothes designed for women, because of Bible verses, and society views, and conflict with also wanting to be a better man. WE are all a bit different, and on different wavelengths with different spiritual outlooks. To be alive and human, is to be in conflict, that is for sure.
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 01-06-2019 at 08:29 PM.

  23. #23
    Silver Member
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    Jan 2016
    Orange County, California
    I'm tending to think that your confusion and guilt comes from having suppressed your longing, need and desire to dress for so many years .. not uncommon. I'm guessing that your psychologist is with the VA. Ask her if you could bring your wife on a next visit. In your wife's presence, bring up your concerns with your Doc. Great freedom could result. Good luck.

  24. #24
    Member DeeDeeB's Avatar
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    Apr 2008
    Gunks, NY
    My best advice would to stay in your comfort level. I suspect we all go through periods of confusion and questioning and that's how we work things out. We crossdressers are often a combination of male and female attributes, and sometimes the best we can do is embrace both sides. Neither one is better or worse, just different. For myself, the biggest challenge with my wife was my chest hair. I had already shaved my beard which I had when we met, but she wanted some chest hair left. That lasted about a month and we are still together 20 years later. But that's us. I have made my challenges where they were important to me and survived the consequences. But while I accept and appreciate encouragement which my wife gives freely, I haven't gone past my comfort level. So, what I think I'm trying to say is, give yourself a break. Be yourself and embrace that person. There is no guilt with choosing attire different from what society would say you should wear so if the guy jeans work for today, wear them. If the dress appeals tomorrow, go for it. It sounds like you have a great support network so listen to them, but mostly to yourself.

    DeeDeeB USAF 65-69

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