letting go

[Courtney_29]

seems extra hard for some people including myself to let go and fully embrace femme self. moving to the next level of just dressing at home by myself to going out in public especially with my social anxiety but I want to. not sure if some people had a moment where they were just like "that's it, I'm doing this" and never looked back. just like an emotional barrier I need to break down to just feel free and express the other side fully. I also know not everyone wants to or needs to take it that far but it just seems like a dream. it just feels like it was nothing for some dressers to express themselves in public even from the start.

[Tracii G]

Courtney everybody has anxieties about certain things is just having the fortitude to overcome them.
I'm not special in any way or claim to be an expert but all I did was walk out the front door and live my life on my terms.
If some crossdresser said they weren't apprehensive or scared they aren't being honest.
You just reach that point where you just do it because for some reason you have to.

[AllieSF]

I was one of those who started going out at the very beginning. To do that I knew that I needed to go with someone else who had some experience. So, I watched this site and when someone said that they were coming to town I reached out to them to see if they wanted to let me go out with them for my first time. Luckily, I met two from here and after a few months I went out, and the rest is history.

My recommendation to you is to find someone on this site, or other site. Please communicate a lot with a person from a different site to make sure you will be safe and that your personalities are close enough to ensure that you will have a good time. You can also look for a local or not too far away support/social group. There are a lot out there. Good luck. If you want to make it happen, it will, but you have to work for it and reach out to others as part of that.

[Tracii G]

Like Allie said if you want to go out in public bad enough you will find a way to make it happen.
Nothing in life is easy and you have to work for what you have.
You alone have to put in the effort to reap the benefits of whatever you are striving for.
If you aren't willing to put in the effort don't expect things to change.

[phili]

Courtney,
I did the dark of night thing for a while, but I wanted so badly to be a person with others- showing myself as I felt myself. So that 'aha!' moment was one day when I was dressed up and I looked so good to myself I suddenly felt peace with that truth. I saw myself as a person, happy and at ease, and I knew no one could feel any different about that without being aware they were not dealing with me as a person- but as a symbol of something they feared. And so I went out. And the first person I talked to just answered and life was normal. I couldn't believe it. All those years of fear for nothing.

Actually in my youth it was dangerous and the culture allowed for and approved of violence against TG people, so the some of the years of fear were necessary- but too many years passed after it was no longer necessary.

[docrobbysherry]

There r 1000's of closet dressers here that have no desire to go out in public dressed, Courtney.

I'm one of them! The only reason I went out that very first time 10+ years ago was to meet other dressers. They turned out to be so much fun I go out often to meet them!

But, I only enjoy going to T friendly venues!

[Courtney_29]

I definitely didn't mean to offend anyone or make assumptions. I just meant to talk about the people who do go out all the time or frequently. I understand that for many dressing at home is perfectly enough and amazing, but for me right now I just want more and am struggling with my emotions. I do appreciate the advice from all 😃. makes sense it takes a lot of work and effort to go out especially in the beginning. I wonder how people actually met up from this site. did someone make a thread asking about a certain area of residence? I know this website is used around the world most likely. as had been said before having someone in real life can make a huge difference.

[Stephanie47]

Everyone has their own comfort zone. Some limit their cross dressing to their home. Some seem to go about life totally en femme without a care in the world. What sets us apart? Probably that social anxiety. I would think it is difficult to interact with others who do not appreciate or accept cross dressing. Interacting with a cross dresser is probably social awkward for them too. Duh! What do I say? What do I do?

I go out for drives and strolls when the opportunity arises. It lets me get out and feel the breezes on my legs. I would have liked to expand my horizon when I was your age. My wife encouraged me. However, there was nothing to be found (early 1980's). No Internet. No public resources. I would recommend doing Internet searches in your area. I did a casual search. There seem to be avenues for you to stretch your horizons. One thing I have learned in life is a real friend is a rarity. You do not need a bevy or flock of cross dressers to have meaningful social interaction. Any relationships you have must be multidimensional. Wearing feminine clothes is really an insufficient reason for having a friendship. Check for any casual social outlets.

[Rochal Tukque]

Yes Courtney if you can find a trans support group near you get in touch with them. Most are accommodating to CDs. The group we go to is over 200 miles away. But I can say I would never got courage to go public without them. The girls there have the best. They made my first outing the best time or my life and made my wife feel totally at home. The only regret is I wished I hadn't waited all these years to do it.

[Roxanne Lanyon]

Oh, ditto about the Support Group! They have made me a "proud" woman! Being divorced, ans all by myself, now I need to find an accommodating partner to make it all perfect!
Roxanne Lanyon

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Courtney,
I did the dark of night thing for a while, but I wanted so badly to be a person with others- showing myself as I felt myself. So that 'aha!' moment was one day when I was dressed up and I looked so good to myself I suddenly felt peace with that truth. I saw myself as a person, happy and at ease, and I knew no one could feel any different about that without being aware they were not dealing with me as a person- but as a symbol of something they feared. And so I went out. And the first person I talked to just answered and life was normal. I couldn't believe it. All those years of fear for nothing.

Actually in my youth it was dangerous and the culture allowed for and approved of violence against TG people, so the some of the years of fear were necessary- but too many years passed after it was no longer necessary.

And that is where I am heading right now! As Roxanne

[Helen_Highwater]

Courtney,

There are a few here who've simply hitched up their big girl knickers and walked out the door. Most however have umm'd and arrr'd for years before making even the most tentative steps out.

Posts galore tell of nighttime drives, then shortwalks in quiet places. The intrepidation of the first day time drive, drive through's, things that can span years to achieve.

So what's the trick for taking that real step out and being apart of the daily world? Firstly I would say the desire, which you seem to have. Secondly a degree of confidence in your presentation. If you look in the mirror and what you see is someone attired so that if those clothes were on a GG they won't look out of place in the venue you're headed for, then you're go to go. Thirdly, determination to see it through. Make a plan, know the place you're going to and then execute the plan.

The hardest thing to overcome is the fear of opening the car door. If you can take those first steps out away from the car, scary as it will seem, then what follows will get progressively easier and more enjoyable.

[Charlotte7]

For me, it was all about breaking down the fear that when I stepped outside people would know that I'm a cross dresser. Once that had gone it was easy. I can't say that there was a single moment when it happened for me, it was more a series of (many at the time unplanned) small steps, but steps which when added together form a bigger whole. As I added something each time I went out, it demonstrated who absurd my previous position had been and so I was able to move forward.

For me my path essentially was:

Starting to wear ladies jeans in drab, adding ladies tops, and from this point on it was done dressed, going out for a daytime drive, going out for a daytime walk in a quiet suburban place, going into a small shop, going to an art gallery, walking around a small market town, a slightly larger town, a bigger town, going into a larger shop, going into a supermarket, driving halfway across the country including filling the car with petrol, and now just being out and about.

Basically I am saying that what I did was started small, minimum difference to how I was presenting and slowly building from there. And then, when I made the decision that, yes I would go out dressed, I started small and built up from there. I started in places with few people around and many escape routes and at each stage added both in the number of people I would meet, the number of interactions that I would have and being more committed to the situation.

I didn't go for a big bang approach presenting as the fully glamorous me, and I know that a lot of people would say that they don't want to dress unless they can dress the whole way, but for me, it was a case of putting on an extra layer each time and seeing how it went. Of course the final aim was to be fully dressed and being less than fully dressed was a means to an end and it worked for me.

And as I went out and each time discovered that nothing happened it just became natural to press it that little bit further each time.

I suppose the big thing that you have to get sorted in your mind is how bothered you are that people you come across will know that you're a cross dresser but added on to that realising that most people won't actually see you, most of those who do, won't realise that your're a cross dresses and of those who do, the vast majority simply won't care a jot. Some may even like to see you out and about.

I really hope that you find the strength within you to do what you really want to do, whatever that is. But, don't feel that you have to do anything, and don't do something just because others of us do it without a care in the world. Only you will know what works best for you and what you're happy with.

All the best.

[Jenny22]

Courtney, in response to your previous post you were encouraged to make contact with a support group. Have you? You will find that perhaps the best thing you can do for yourself is to gain support from a sister who is out and about. Being with someone who is experienced will give you a LOT of confidence, as it did me on my first real venture outside (I still thank you, Lauren). You need to watch posts and replies for sisters 'close' to you and PM them. You've shown your location, and sisters may PM you. Good luck!

[Tracii G]

Well said Jenny.

[Debra Russell]

I am one that just decided it was time - went out without reservation; however, there are times for all the well known reasons when it may be uncomfortable / awkward - it all comes with the territory, but wouldn't change it ...………………….Debra

[MonicaPVD]

Deciding to go out in public can be terrifying at first. What helped me was coming to terms that my fear was based on two specific things. First, that I would not pass and people would see me as a man in drag. Second, that I might run into someone I know who would recognize me and "out" me to other acquaintances.

I began and then gradually increased my outings in places that were 15-30 miles from home. This made it highly unlikely that I would randomly run into acquaintances and, in the event that I did, they would not be on the lookout for me as we were so far removed from the environment where we normally interact.

Once you do that a couple of times you are liberated by the discovery that 99% of the people you interact with could care less if you are a woman, a crossdresser or a space alien. That seems pedestrian but it can be an epiphany.

[Roxanne Lanyon]

First the Support Group, then just going out in public, now, looking for a "Roxanne tolerant" partner?

Oh my. I am venturing out, slowly, but surely. And, I love it so much!
Roxanne Lanyon

[Beverley Sims]

You do need to find some support for going out.

You will find it most gratifying.

[Stacy Darling]

Embracing ones Feminine self is but Embracing ones self!

Letting go may be the time where you sit in a room dressed as you please with scented candles an music in the background? ( Still what I do now)

Stacy!

[Courtney_29]

I did email alpha Zeta tri ess chapter for Phoenix, AZ but no reply yet after a few days. the meetup link on their website doesn't go to anything anymore unfortunately. I may have to try one of the trans meetups but I was a little nervous is all. I just didn't see any other dresser support groups for the Phoenix metropolitan area. thanks for all the input though yea would be amazing to have support sister for sure. I know I'm just starting my dresser career and need to have patience and understanding, most of you ladies seem to have years of experience and been there. I'm just glad I'm exploring my femme self to begin with, a life changing experience

[ToniG]

Courtney---the tri-ess grp that still exists somewhat is in the west valley--and if they are doing any activities they are 50-70 miles away from Mesa. Stepping Out can be scary--but a lot of us started slow. simple short trips--some in the dark. But once you do get your "feet wet"--you will notice that it becomes easier. All of our situations are different. In my case--disabled Senior Gal that no longer drives. My trips are on-foot, or bus. Make occasional trips on foot to the Ettie-em Full-Fem where Im out Dressed for 2 hrs or more. Also make bus trips to the Superstition mall and back. These are "no-contact" or "minimal-contact" excursions where Im not seeking interactions or conversations. Not everyone can do this. Was closeted for decades. Not anymore. Often Dress for runs out to the dumpsters or mailbox. Many in the DADT/Restricted situations don't have freedom--and we feel for them. But if you have the chance--give it a try. Its Not as hard as we "think" it will be. Ppl are not paying attn. Their faces are in their phones. Good luck. Toni G..

[Roxanne Lanyon]

Ettie-em Full-Fem sounds like a place I would melt to go!
Yes, it seems so easier to go out these days, than it used to! Now I simply love to be en femme, when I can! I am just a girl at heart and soul!
Roxanne Lanyon

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I did email alpha Zeta tri ess chapter for Phoenix, AZ but no reply yet after a few days. the meetup link on their website doesn't go to anything anymore unfortunately. I may have to try one of the trans meetups but I was a little nervous is all. I just didn't see any other dresser support groups for the Phoenix metropolitan area. thanks for all the input though yea would be amazing to have support sister for sure. I know I'm just starting my dresser career and need to have patience and understanding, most of you ladies seem to have years of experience and been there. I'm just glad I'm exploring my femme self to begin with, a life changing experience

It is simply a wonderful experience!
Roxanne Lanyon

[Helen_Highwater]

Once you do that a couple of times you are liberated by the discovery that 99% of the people you interact with could care less if you are a woman, a crossdresser or a space alien. That seems pedestrian but it can be an epiphany.

Monica,
That's possibly the best description/rationale I've read on these pages regarding being out and about. Space alien, I love that.

[Sometimes Steffi]

My first time out I went to the Maryland Renaissance Festival. Once I decided to go, I went shopping for makeup, a wig, an authentic looking handback for the period and some other things I wanted to get. I rented a wench costume, and the girls at the costume shop helped me (and everyone) dress by lacing the corset. I had a wonderful time, the best really.

The reason I chose the Renn Fest is that it gave me "plausible deniability." I found out later that a friend of mine regularly west to cosplay conventions with his daughter, often dressed as a girl.

[Alexis00]

seems extra hard for some people including myself to let go and fully embrace femme self. moving to the next level of just dressing at home by myself to going out in public especially with my social anxiety but I want to. not sure if some people had a moment where they were just like "that's it, I'm doing this" and never looked back. just like an emotional barrier I need to break down to just feel free and express the other side fully. I also know not everyone wants to or needs to take it that far but it just seems like a dream. it just feels like it was nothing for some dressers to express themselves in public even from the start.

I would get ready to go out, then become anxious and cancel.

Having a few glasses of wine after I got dressed relieved my inhibitions to the extent that I could venture out. Certainly not the healthiest way to go about it, but it got easier each time I went out and learned being read is not the end of the world.